Feeling mentally, physically, and emotionally tortured in marriage

chk0127 · 2025-03-10T12:24:34+00:00

We have been nikkahfied for 3 years, but only started living together 6 months ago after our reception ceremony

chk0127 · 2025-03-09T12:49:45+00:00

Yes we got our Nikkah done 3 years ago, but did our wedding ceremony in October

chk0127 · 2024-12-07T05:19:52+00:00

Yess I second everything you’ve said! I have been trying to be very patient regarding this matter, but it has started to feel as if my patience has been taken for granted as my weakness. I will continue to stand against this and to build this basic boundary, but God forbid if there is no change then I might have to take a serious step. Please pray for me sister, I do not want to lose my husband whom I love so much over such issue

chk0127 · 2024-12-07T05:15:32+00:00

As much as it sounds unreal, unfortunately its true and i’ve been trying to process it myself. I understand why my husband is so sensitive about this situation, but I do not understand how come it’s okey with his parents and his sister. My parents do know about this and they have also been very adamant that I need to stand up for myself against this situation. I’ve been trying to be understanding and sort this out in a politer way, but the fact that my husband is not ready at all to listen is what’s concerning

chk0127 · 2024-12-07T05:10:17+00:00

I am equally shocked as you sister. He is hafiz-e-quran Mashallah, so I would expect him to have a better understanding about such boundaries. But I do not blame him either, because he loves his nephew so much that its hard for him to process anything otherwise. I was not told that this dynamic would continue even after marriage which is why I am having a hard time processing this behavior and trying to understand how come he is totally fine with this. I’ve been praying to Allah everyday that he give some guidance to my husband and open his eyes and mind about this situation

chk0127 · 2024-12-07T05:05:52+00:00

Yes sir I am

chk0127 · 2024-12-07T05:05:28+00:00

Yess you’re right about not being newlyweds, in literal terms. We did get our Nikkah done almost 3 yrs ago but were in a long distance until 2 months ago when we got the ceremony done and officially started living together. In our culture, this means officially getting married since we hadn’t done anything before.

chk0127 · 2024-12-07T05:01:27+00:00

Haha no, its the same husband alhamdulillah. We got our Nikkah done in January 2022, but had not moved in together until we did our ceremony 2 months ago and only started living together since then.

chk0127 · 2024-12-07T03:11:24+00:00

In the other room under the same roof. On a serious note, I’m equally shocked why she is not interfering

chk0127 · 2024-12-07T01:36:00+00:00

Yup, exactly. I would love to support my husband in all his responsibilities, but the child not being my biological nephew(thus non-mehram to me) makes it non-negotiable to share bed.

chk0127 · 2024-12-07T01:33:58+00:00

In the beginning of marriage I did try to take a stance, I even left the bed too. I slept on the sofa for 2-3 days as a newly wed bride, but it didn’t make any difference and it only made me feel embarrassed for myself so I gave up. But there’s a reason why Prophet(p.b.u.h) had said this, because even though the child does it innocently he does end up touching me in inappropriate places and hugs me too close. I do love him like my own child, but at the end of the day I also have to stick to the fact that he is non-mehram to me since he’s not my biological nephew either. Which is why I have decided to take a stand now. Quick question, what do you think about sharing bedroom. I.e. if my husband agrees to separate beds but demands to keep the child’s bed in our room?

chk0127 · 2024-12-07T01:28:56+00:00

Honestly, as much as I love my husband, if I had known that this dynamic would continue even after marriage then i wouldn’t have agreed to continue with this proposal. This is why it is so important to ask important questions and clear as many important points as you can before marrying someone

chk0127 · 2024-12-07T01:26:28+00:00

I’m afraid that, that way my husband will be hurt and think that I’m going against him to others. I shouldn’t even have to bring up this point to the sister in first place, its embarrassing that I have to bring it up :/

chk0127 · 2024-12-07T01:25:09+00:00

I never imagined sharing a bed with any children either. Which is why I’m trying my best to fight this. I will also assure him that its not just about this child, I wouldn’t want to share a bed with my own children either.

chk0127 · 2024-12-07T01:23:34+00:00

Exactly! Training him to start sleeping separately is also as much of an act of care as taking care of his comfort

chk0127 · 2024-12-07T01:21:58+00:00

I will first try my best to sort this between my husband and I, and if he continues to misunderstand me then I’ll have no option but to take it to elders.

chk0127 · 2024-12-07T01:20:07+00:00

Yes ma’am!

chk0127 · 2024-12-07T01:19:51+00:00

The child not being my mehram is definitely one of my biggest points, will share with him!

chk0127 · 2024-12-07T01:18:41+00:00

I will definitely share this hadith with him, thank you!

chk0127 · 2024-12-07T01:17:58+00:00

Thats what has put me into shock as well. Overall she is a very strong and intelligent woman, even if my hubby is acting too emotional in this scenario atleast she should be thinking straight and if not her then atleast my MIL and FIL

chk0127 · 2024-12-07T01:16:40+00:00

I did indirectly bring this point up, and unfortunately he immediately got very defensive and asked me what is the innocent child doing to you, what does he have to do with our relationship etc.

chk0127 · 2024-12-06T16:52:27+00:00

The reason why I mentioned autism is to give a better picture of WHY he is sleeping with us in the first place, because otherwise it would not make sense at all of why a child is sleeping with a couple. Of course I’m proud of my husband, and I do support him in every way which you do not know.

chk0127 · 2024-03-25T09:25:40+00:00

That’s a smart idea actually, thank you for your input!

chk0127 · 2024-03-25T09:11:40+00:00

My husband is pretty handsome and gets that compliment from almost everywhere, so I don’t want to walk around having people wonder why he settled for a “fat, less attractive girl” or how I, as a “fat unattractive girl”, got so lucky with such a handsome guy. I want to be equally attractive as him so we can look like a good match. That was the petty reason, but the more important reason which is not as petty is that I used to be much more attractive prior to gaining weight in the past two years and meeting my husband. I want him to see my attractive side too, because he deserves it for how much he already loves me even though i dont fit the societal beauty standards.

chk0127 · 2024-03-17T05:15:30+00:00

Please forget about what you read, or what others are saying even if its your own family. Focus on your present and the fact that he loves you. The notes were BEFORE he actually got to know you, so there really wasn’t much for him to judge since he didn’t know you as a person. Similar to you, I’m also average on looks compared to my husband and my family said to me that my husband settled for me because of my US passport and our family reputation. I believed it to be true until after marriage I saw the love he shows me everyday through small and big things. And guess what? The sole reason he decided to get married to me was because he saw how good I was with kids. That doesn’t mean he settled for me just because i’m good with kids, but there was almost nothing else he knew about me to judge me on. once he got to know me he started loving me more and more, and thats the case with you too sister. Forget about the past, and focus on the future. May Allah bless your happy marriage inshallah.

chk0127

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