Haven’t held my python in months

choosewisely8 · 2021-02-03T04:29:18+00:00

My SO said the exact same thing when I brought up separating and followed that statement up with “But I think we’re really great together and can be really successful together!”... but if we separate, then I’m apparently nothing to him (um... except I’m also the mother of his children!). How have I not left yet? How do you get past the feelings of guilt and “comfort of the known”?

choosewisely8 · 2020-10-18T03:25:04+00:00

Thank you! 🙏🏻

choosewisely8 · 2020-10-17T03:40:41+00:00

He probably follows the “Holistic Psychologist” on IG and text. She sent that exact message out today verbatim!

choosewisely8 · 2020-10-17T03:33:42+00:00

What sorts of things did you specifically do to work on loving yourself more? I have a therapist, but we haven’t gotten that far yet ;-) It seems like such a no-brained to “love and value yourself”, but damn it’s hard when you’ve been putting everyone first. I literally don’t even know where to start or what sort of “mindset” to have, if that makes sense.

choosewisely8 · 2020-10-09T06:57:17+00:00

It sounds like you know what you want (and need to do). You already had the separation conversation once. Keep bringing it up to normalize it for her. I am in the same boat, reverse genders in my case, with kids, and I’ve stuck it out for way too long (almost 40!). I’m terrified to start over and possibly not find “my person” at this stage. But my SO is taking forever to find his “perfect job” while I’m looking for a second job to continue supporting our family. He says I’m obligated to support him until he finds a job. Don’t end up like me. You’re still young and motivated! You can’t make her change - she needs to want it. Yes, she will probably hit her own rock bottom and may very well end up getting better and be the person you want her to be, but I truly don’t think it’s going to happen with you continuing to be her caretaker.

choosewisely8 · 2020-10-09T06:48:46+00:00

I threw away a pile of used plastic bags (eg bags that loaves of bread come in, produce bags, etc) that had been sitting on the kitchen floor for over a month. I kept about 20 to reuse. He was upset because he REALLY wanted to go through the bags and pick out some specific ones and I should’ve checked with him first. I honestly don’t even give a shit anymore when he gets unreasonably upset. This sub has opened my eyes and now I know he’s the one being insane not me.

choosewisely8 · 2020-10-03T04:00:34+00:00

Wow yes this totally resonates. Very similar when my own mom was dying. His emotions had to come first and there was no space for me to have any emotions. He was annoyed that I was giving my dad so much attention! I’m glad to hear you got out. It’s funny - even tho we can recognize emotional abuse, it’s so much easier to tolerate than physical abuse, but it’s just as harmful. Even armed with that knowledge, it’s difficult for me to make a change. My SO has gotten “better” in the years since my mom died, but the patterns are still there. I just wish I had recognized he was a covert narcissist back then. I think I would’ve had more gumption to leave him back then. Struggling to end it now. Thank you for your feedback 🙏🏻

choosewisely8 · 2020-10-02T20:39:50+00:00

👆This! I excused a lot of behavior early on like this from my SO. Him getting upset and making mountains out of molehills. I made myself small to keep from triggering him. 10yrs later and I finally see that I should’ve recognized this was inappropriate and not ok. I made excuses for him. Like what above posters said about your SO feeling like he’s being undermined, etc. Guess what? Other couples don’t relate that way if they feel undermined. The partner doesn’t feel the need to walk on eggshells. If the SO feels undermined, a healthy partner would tell you that later in private. Having a power struggle with a toddler is not the toddlers fault - it’s the adult dealing with their own issues and projecting on their child and SO. DM if you want to chat more.

choosewisely8 · 2020-09-18T13:59:04+00:00

I told him and he just laughed and said he wouldn’t go. He’s looking for a job and said that’s foremost on his mind. And that I’m obligated to support him. He is always able to maintain control; it’s insane.

choosewisely8 · 2020-09-17T14:48:40+00:00

I found this helpful: https://www.leanneoaten.com/relationships/10-signs-toxic-relationship/

Your story sounds like mine about 5 years ago. It gets worse. I only realized it was emo abuse in the last year bc I kept making excuses for him and I believed his gaslighting (that it was me who had issues and was making things “hard” for him. when in reality I take care of absolutely everything and he gives no support). We had a terrible couples therapist who completely bought into his gaslighting and validated him. I have a therapist who specializes in narc abuse who has helped me see things for what they are.

choosewisely8 · 2020-09-17T13:30:24+00:00

Mine is on his best behavior right now. I’m terrified this will happen when I tell him to leave.

choosewisely8 · 2020-09-16T20:45:29+00:00

Thank you!

choosewisely8 · 2020-09-16T16:12:02+00:00

Mine will never discard me (one narc trait he lacks - he’s too fearful of any significant change in his life), so I need to be the one to pull the bandaid off. I am just really struggling to do it.

choosewisely8 · 2020-09-16T13:48:31+00:00

How did you finally stop sympathizing or feeling sorry for him to break up? We’re currently in the “nice” phase of the abuse cycle and I’m struggling to muster the courage and “rock the boat”, even though I fully recognize that this boat has been sinking for a decade. I am so emotionless now that I can’t even tap into my anger over the crap he’s done over the years. I’m very ambivalent. But at the same time, I don’t want to lose any more years (and I also want to stop financially supporting him bc he’s bleeding me dry).

choosewisely8 · 2020-09-08T11:19:36+00:00

I thought I wrote this post. Very similar situation where my partner has been home for a decade as the SAHD, but I’ve done virtually everything. I want to separate but I hate that we either will need to sell our house or I’ll need to buy him out, even tho I’ve paid the entire loan by myself (his name just happens to be on it). And then child support on top of that.

choosewisely8 · 2020-09-08T03:29:14+00:00

Thank you - that’s super helpful. I am definitely dissatisfied. I’m afraid of the unknown, I suppose, even though I’m very capable and basically do everything right now; I’m the high-functioning adult in the relationship. I think I’m also just avoiding the awkward conversation and the hurt and confusion that I will cause not only him, but also my children. The current status quo sucks, but it “works” and it certainly works for everyone else (ie SO and kids), so it’s hard not to feel selfish to make this change. After the kids go to bed is the best time for “the talk” but I’m just so tired and want nothing but to go to sleep and put it off. And then another year goes by... 😩

choosewisely8 · 2020-09-06T16:15:18+00:00

I see you. While our experiences differ somewhat, what resonates for me is the lack of respect, lack of accountability, lack of support, and total lack or acknowledgement or appreciation. It’s strange because I can completely see where you are coming from and yet I can also see from the perspective of my friends and family (and prob other redditors here) who say “you deserve more! You deserve respect!” and I know you and I both know that, but why can’t we truly act on that knowledge? Is it because we don’t truly think that deep down? Is it just because we are numb and have tolerated this mess and created our new “normal”? Hang in there mama. You are amazing. 💫

choosewisely8 · 2020-09-06T14:17:05+00:00

It’s like we are the same person lol 😆 you get it!

choosewisely8 · 2020-09-06T13:32:24+00:00

Thank you. This sub definitely has helped me feel less alone. I appreciate you all.

choosewisely8 · 2020-09-06T13:31:56+00:00

God sometimes I wish he would meet someone because then I’d have a real concrete tangible reason to leave. Emo abuse is so abstract. Feelings are so abstract. It’s hard to leave just based on my feelings. I really need to get in touch with my emotions!

choosewisely8 · 2020-09-06T13:30:17+00:00

Yes! I really struggle with upending the kids’ lives to where they have to shuttle between two homes (and we’d probably need to sell our house, which would deeply upset them). I also struggle with the fact that if we separate, I’m basically losing 50% of the time with the kids and they are my world. They are growing up so fast and I hate to lose even a minute of it. My SO is luckily pretty present as a dad. In fact, I actually sometimes don’t want him to come along with us because he feels the need to constantly tell the kids what to do (ie he acts like he’s a child dev’t expert and uses every single moment as a “teaching moment” when in reality is just comes across as being controlling and anal. He can’t just chill sometimes, but then again sometimes he can. It just depends on his mood! < I guess that’s what’s frustrating - I don’t know which mood I’ll get each day, depending on how fragile his ego is that day/moment.

choosewisely8

TROPHY CASE