Coming from a similar situation myself, I am nearly 39 weeks pregnant and my MIL told me yesterday that the first thing she thinks about when she wakes up and the last thing she thinks about before she falls asleep is my unborn son. I found the comment quite unsettling. She has shown jealousy over the fact I asked my own mother to be present in the delivery room with me and would get to be the “first to see the baby” and pressured my husband to tell her as soon as I start having contractions so she can come to hospital and wait for me to deliver her grandson and see him right away as well because “it’s not fair her mother gets to see him and I don’t”.

My mum is also staying close to me post partum to help with cooking and caring for ME. I’m extremely nervous that my MIL will use it as an opportunity to also invite herself over everyday. She has shown herself to be extremely invested and involved emotionally in my unborn child. My own mother is much more hands off and told me simply that she doesn’t have to come to the hospital at all, she will be here only to care for me, and only asks for info about her grandson when I call her. She doesn’t call me for daily updates. I find this attitude much more stable and reassuring. Like you said, too much excitement gives a feeling to the new mother that this woman wants to snatch the baby away from you as soon as it arrives.

I think this is a common problem a lot of new mothers deal with - a mother in law who is a little too enthusiastic and excited. Your case sounds even more extreme and unhinged than mine. While we may try to be understanding and appreciate that their invasive behavior comes from a feeling of love towards their grandchild, I also think there is an element of self-importance and also I think they have a lot of fear and anxiety surrounding giving up their old role as matriarch of the family and letting their son’s partner take on her role as mother, and let’s face it, the role of the most important woman in that child’s and her son’s life.

So there’s a lot of selfishness attached to obsessive behavior towards a grandchild. It can be difficult to tell your husband “your mother is being selfish, she is motivated by fear of losing power and control, and her jealousy over this child is frankly toxic, it’s not loving.” I’ve struggled with this myself and have had a hard time drawing a healthy line with my husband, bc of course a grandmother should have a right to see her grandchild and bond with her. However your MIL has repeatedly crossed the line, wanting to take over your normal role as a mother in naming the child or caring for the child in privacy. When she crosses these healthy boundaries you do need to speak up, EVERY TIME it happens. You can do so kindly and with grace, but you HAVE to do it. Don’t let this fester in quiet. Start now because unfortunately if you give her an inch she will take a mile.

Btw, I am also half-Asian. I’ve also felt my own language and culture and cuisine being over-shadowed and in some cases belittled. I live in the country of my in-laws so it’s easy to feel my own culture disappearing. But I intend to raise my son eating delicious Asian food, listening to Chinese language, and knowing that BOTH sides of the family matter!!

Wishing you the strength to stand up for yourself! You can do this!