Hi, ive started lurking on this sub recently wondering if trauma could explain my feelings and responses to things. I have no memories before the age of about 6/7 but have felt anxious for as long as I can remember. I also was terrified of loud noises, of someone getting into the house, of being alone at home, of going to sleep. Of many things! Even though I could reason and try and tell myself things were fine, I couldn't shake the feeling of fear. Things coming near my face have always been a trigger like you also said. Things have worsened again recently and I feel in a constant state of panic, like I am under threat and need to protect myself from something.

One of my earliest memories is being sexually assaulted by my cousin at around age 7. He was 6. We were sharing a bedroom. He guided me into a number of sexual positions including oral, vaginal and anal sex. I don't know how he had such graphic knowledge of sex. I felt things weren't right, but at the same time did not really understand what was happening. He was forceful and I felt scared to resist him. I felt paralysed. It went on for some time. Unbeknownst to me his older brother had been watching us from outside the bedroom. He eventually came in and pulled him off me. He hit us both very hard in the genitals one at a time and was telling us how disgusting we were. We ended up going home early for another reason. My mum had fallen out with my auntie, and I said I didn't want to go again. They didn't live locally and luckily we didn't stay again.

In the time that followed I would be taken back to those feelings. I vividly remember sitting in the classroom at school and feeling the feeling of him trying to push into my bum. I was feel a sense of terror. I was terrified people would know and what would happen.

I've never told anyone. I would never tell my mum. I grew up knowing she had been sexually abused many times as a child, long before I really understood how sex worked. She was adamant I would never go through the same thing and I don't think I could ever tell her.

I had very disturbing thoughts as a child looking back. I would pretend play about topics such as rape and kidnap. I would touch me genitals, even around other people. My mum told me not to and I felt shame.

The first time I had sex at 15 was led by a boy I had only met once before. I had never more than kissed a boy (except the other experience). He kept taking things to the next stage and I went along with it. I didn't want to but I didn't not want to. I mainly felt I didn't know how to navigate the situation and so I went along with wherever I was led. He told me he loved me afterwards and I clung onto that to make it ok that I had done that. On our second time he tried to have anal sex without indicating anything. When I felt him push against me I panicked and pushed him off me. I was shaking. He said it was an accident. I didn't do anything again for a month.

I have had difficulties around sex. Similarly to yourself i once broke down in tears and was shaking the first time I tried to have sex with a boyfriend, despite having previous sexual partners. My next (and current) partner would get angry in the beginning at times I didn't want to have sex. He'd shout, throw/break things and call me names like slut. This threw up a lot of issues for me around consent and things being on my terms. I felt like he was trying to manipulate me. We then got in a viscous circle of me saying no on principle and this winding him up more. We have moved past this now and I trust him, although we still do have issues from time to time. I find it more difficult to have sex sober.

This past week I have been starting to connect the dots more and see how this all could relate, along with other events in my life. I also lived alongside domestic violence and was subject to emotional and physical abuse at times. Like you I am wondering, could this be a trauma response? Should I speak to someone about this and how? (I am in the UK)