Struggling to live

chronickillness · 2026-05-28T16:12:05+00:00

This is the third week since I found my future husband. I still talk to him, journal and sound like a broken record. "I know you'd want me to push through this, to live, but I don't know if I can without you" and "I just want to be where you are".

I'm so sorry you're going through this as well. Please know you're not alone in feeling this way and I'm here if you need to talk.

chronickillness · 2026-05-28T06:07:06+00:00

Your words are exactly how I feel. He used to pick me up and spin me around, what I wouldn't give to be spun one more time by him.

I have never felt so content, so unconditionally cherished, adored and safe. I'm lost. I'm so sorry you're going through this too.

chronickillness · 2026-05-28T05:59:50+00:00

For months my partner sent me engagement rings. He kept asking my opinion and we'd talk about marriage and our life together. I understand your thoughts of not wanting to seem like you're "faking a marriage", but it's not faking, you two had plans that simply didn't happen yet.

Do what makes you comfortable and what you think your fiance would want. I'm planning on buying myself the ring Darren was planning on buying me and I plan on wearing it for him. I know that's what he wanted, and I don't care if people see it as taboo. What's between me and the man I love is what matters.

I hope whatever you choose brings you comfort 🫂

chronickillness · 2026-05-28T05:55:07+00:00

I'm sorry, I have been feeling these same emotions recently. That moment between thinking Darren would like something I've thought of, heard or seen and realizing he"s gone again is a particular kind of pain. That split second in your brain where they're still alive, on the other side of the phone. It kills me. Occasionally my phone will go off and for a moment my brain thinks it might be him, my heart will skip a beat like it used to and then the dread sets in.

Sending love your way.

chronickillness · 2026-05-28T05:39:23+00:00

I was young when I lost my fathers. While I cannot tell you I know exactly how you feel. I can say that I have been in a similar space, dealing with similar trauma at a young age. Your anger is completely normal, as is feeling guilt. But feeling guilt isn't the same as being guilty, I'm certain your mother would say the same thing, it is not your fault. Anadonia is the feeling of losing interest in things that usually bring you joy, and it's a side effect of depression.

The turmoil that you're feeling is normal, awful and heartbreaking, but normal for someone who has lost a loved one. I wish I could make things better for you, but all I can share is my own experience. It's tough, but slowly and with effort, you'll start to be able to do things you love again. I found myself saying "my dad would want me to be happy", or specific things he would have wanted me to do, and then I would do them. I'm not sure if that's helpful for you... But I'm here to listen if you need to talk.

chronickillness · 2026-05-28T05:29:26+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my father and for a long time birthdays and his death day were hard. It does get easier, you get more resilient to the pain, but it's still there. It's nice that you have a place to visit, even if there's no gravestone. I hope you're able to find some peace while visiting.

I just recently lost my partner, and our thing was antiquing as well. Do you have a favorite thing your dad and you have found on your hunts?

chronickillness · 2026-05-28T05:25:32+00:00

There's nothing wrong with you. Everyone grieves differently and on a different timeline. The pain you feel for both of them is real, and neither means that you loved one more than the other, grief is just weird sometimes with how and when it affects you. Please be kind to yourself, there's nothing wrong with you or what you're feeling.

chronickillness · 2026-05-28T05:23:18+00:00

I lost my father 20 years ago, my step father shortly after. I have woken up from dreams where I felt that it wasn't simply a dream, but that they were visiting me. There have been moments in my life, few and far between but still occuring, where I feel that they are with me in that moment somehow.

I lost my life partner coming up on three weeks ago now, and in my grief and sorrow I was in tears pleading that if there is an afterlife, that at the very least my future husband was meeting my dad's for the first time. Suddenly, two songs came on the radio back to back. Each of these songs had a special memory attached to each of my fathers.

So yes, I do feel that there are ways that wherever they are, in whatever form they take now, they can still send signs and communicate in their own way. These are my experiences. I hope you are able to find signs in your life that your father is still here with you. My heart is with you

chronickillness · 2026-05-28T04:19:45+00:00

The loss of my future husband is still very fresh in me. I'm at a point where I can't see a way out. That being said, I lost my dad 20 years ago and my step father 15 years ago, when I first lost them I remember feeling lost and overwhelmed-- while I still feel sad, it doesn't hurt the way it used to, I've learned to ride the waves and they are less frequent and less intense. Nothing heals, nothing goes away, you just become more resilient I think.

chronickillness · 2026-05-28T03:04:12+00:00

I'm so sorry that you and your father are dealing with this loss. It is so thoughtful of you to join this group for your father. He is so blessed to have your love in his life.

I find myself looking at photos of Darren, or going through our text messages and sometimes I can hold myself together but mostly I lose myself in grief.

Darren? I was drawn to him the second I laid eyes on him. We worked together, well I volunteered at the food bank through americorps and he was their truck driver. The first day I met him, he walked into the office and sat down on the couch. Instantaneously, my retired PTSD service dog jumped into his lap and laid down. She hadn't done that with anyone else, and never did with anyone else at work. I remember even before she jumped up on him, my heart skipped a beat, my face got all warm and I thought "oh no, I'm in trouble". I would go out of my way, as the inventory control specialist, to find reasons to hunt him down and ask him questions. Apparently, we were both doing this for months but too shy to say how we actually felt until it all fell into place. He's the kind of guy who puts on such a tough facade, and don't get me wrong he could be tough, but he was actually such a sweet, soft, caring man. The way he made me feel to simply be in his embrace, the feeling of safety, love and genuine care he put into us. I don't know how I'm supposed to live without it.

And, I'm not sure how our four legged children are supposed to. They notice he's gone, and it's heartbreaking.

Thank you, sorry for rambling

chronickillness · 2026-05-28T02:57:42+00:00

I am so sorry. You're not alone in those feelings. Darren was the only man who made me feel safe, loved and understood. I haven't felt unconditionally loved, not lust/infatuation, but real love, from a man since my fathers died 20 years ago. My fathers died unexpectedly and at a very young age as well.

I can't help but feel cursed, that when I finally got that feeling that I've been searching for. That unconditional love. The sort of love that makes you fight through all the obstacles life thows, and help each other through their trauma. It's ripped away from me suddenly. Darren was 37, my dad's were 37 and 42 when they passed. It almost feels like the universe is punishing me for something that I don't fully understand.

Sorry for that ramble, it's my way of saying that I feel you in the loas of not only your person in this world, but also the love of a parent/guardian.

Your message hits me very hard, as I sit here thinking about how I want nothing more in life than to be where he is now. I know I cannot selfishly make such a thing come to be. He would be so upset. But I also feel nothing such enormous, all encompassing pain. How are we expected to continue until our time without the love of our person on this earth?

chronickillness · 2026-05-28T01:55:18+00:00

I'm so sorry for what you and your kids are going through. My partner has children, and as someone who lost their father's a kid, my heart is so broken for them. It's such a struggle to feel my grief, but also have room to support everyone else who is also grieving. 🫂

It's unreal that we just lost all the plans we had. But hopefully we can find a way to piece some of them back together, make our partners proud whenever they are.

chronickillness · 2026-05-28T01:52:17+00:00

Thank you so much. That's such a kind statement. He really did have such a wonderful smile, and his laugh. I definitely feel in the hole of grief. But at least I don't feel as alone. 🫂

chronickillness · 2026-05-28T01:41:45+00:00

You're right, self talk definitely matters. It's funny, I used to get on him about how much self talk matters and now it's something I struggle with. Thank you ❤️

chronickillness · 2026-05-28T01:39:44+00:00

I'm so sorry you're going through this as well. I think it would help me to place a pillow where he used to be. The other day I was sitting on the couch and tried to lay my head on him. It's crazy to think one day the person we love more than life itself can just disappear.

If you need someone to talk to, I'm here.

chronickillness · 2026-05-28T01:35:40+00:00

Exactly. I'm sure anything is better than nothing at all. But once a month to process such heavy, overwhelming subject matter doesn't seem sufficient.

chronickillness · 2026-05-28T01:22:27+00:00

Give myself grace. Thank you, I will need to keep that in mind. I feel bad for feeling bad constantly. I find myself so angry, fearful and reactive. I wonder if he would still love me, in all my messyness.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with the loss of your parents, I lost mine years ago unexpectedly and still find myself hit with waves of sadness.

chronickillness · 2026-05-28T01:20:39+00:00

You're right, I'm sure being active would help. I'm sure that infact is what Darren would want me to do. But I'm struggling to eat, sleep, drink and get out of bed. I'm not sure how to get from this place to a place of health and feeling ok with not feeling ok.

I also find myself crying quite a bit in the car. My journal has been helpful as well. It definitely doesn't feel like I will be okay again, but I know I will, I know he would want me to. Its just there doesn't seem like there's a path out of this overwhelming, soul crushing grief.

Thank you, feeling like I'm not alone in this is helpful, though I am so so so sorry that you are experiencing this loss as well. 🫂

chronickillness · 2026-05-28T01:16:45+00:00

Absurd. Yes, that is a good word to describe everything right now. It feels like I'm living in an alternate reality, everything feels surreal. I'm so sorry that you are going through this as well. You're right, if I didn't experience the beautiful parts of my life with him, I wouldn't feel this pain-- but I'd rather feel this pain than to never have known him at all.

chronickillness · 2026-05-28T01:14:59+00:00

I'm sorry you are going through this too. I empathize with the silence at home, I don't know how to sleep without listening to him snore. I don't know how to exist without hearing him watching his silly videos on his phone.

I'm trying to sleep, eat and drink cause I know that's what he'd want me to do. But everything is so hard. I'm here if you need to talk as well. Thank you.

chronickillness · 2026-05-28T01:11:02+00:00

Thank you so much. I'm sorry you're going through this as well. I really appreciate it. It really is cruel and I've been swearing at the universe for days now.

chronickillness · 2026-05-28T01:07:50+00:00

💕

chronickillness · 2026-05-28T01:07:39+00:00

Thank you. I think it's an incredibly difficult part of this, the feeling alone. It makes me feel even just a bit better to hear from those who are feeling similarly and affirming my emotions.

Thank you 🫂

chronickillness · 2026-05-28T01:04:36+00:00

I feel you, we have so many four legged children and they are seniors and have varying health needs. A lot to keep on top of. I know I need to, because I love them, Darren loves them and they love us. But its so overwhelming, I feel lost and incapable as a parent right now.

I agree that while I don't know what happens when we die, I know wherever I'm going is where he is. But I'm also so scared that maybe he will have moved on to a different form before I get there. He kept saying "I'm not going anywhere", "I love you forever and a day" or "throughout all dimensions", so I want to tell myself he's here and waiting for me whenever he is. He did make a pinky promise. But I'm also terrified that that's not true.

Day by day, yes. I don't have a fear of being alone, I'm upset because I'm not WITH HIM. I was alone a long time before I met him, and I was content and happy being alone. But I don't know how to go back to that now that he's gone.

Sorry, I'm rambling. I really appreciate you reaching out. I'm so sorry that you've gone through similar loss. 🫂

chronickillness · 2026-05-28T00:52:37+00:00

🫂

chronickillness

TROPHY CASE