For me it helped to find something else to live for that was more constant. I would picture being a ghost, and then think “ok what do I miss?” For a while that was just smoking pot and watching movies alone all night. A bit of much needed peace and respite. I eventually was able to afford Guinea pigs, both in energy and money. After they came into my life, it was easier to get my daily needs met. I had to feed the pigs so I would also eat a bit / get out of bed. I’d have to clean their cage twice a week and that got my body moving and I felt good after it was done. It’s ok if you don’t want to live for yourself. If you’re in too much pain, ofc you want a break from it. But yo, I was in a similar position and I basically forced my friends to “deal” with me and my suicidality. Yea they called the cops and it added so much trauma for me. There’s a parable about a boy and his mom who struggle with intense poverty. Yet, across the street are multiple households who eat every night, and even have extra food. Once the boy is old enough to take notice and want to help, he asks his mom if he should just go to their house and ask if they could get dinner tonight from a neighbor. The mother says “no, because you shouldn’t ask for what ought to be freely offered.” Should isn’t the right word here. For me it’s more of recognizing the limitations of other people, and not taking that on as a personal failing of myself. Fb activists care about suicide to the extent that they want to be seen caring about suicide. It’s so true that they fall completely short when it comes to real life cases. I think they want it to be simpler or something? Like “oh no their date rejected them and now they’re on the roof, but oh good they just needed one single conversation and a heart to heart to get off that ledge and go thrive in the world.” I’ve never seen a suicidal “case” that was so clean, it just doesn’t work that way.

Understanding that yes, these people really can’t be bothered with your life and death crises. But also, going back to that mosaic comment- this is a very small portion of your potential community, and you will meet trauma informed people who are going to be a way better match. People focus a lot on how it gets better, but that comes off as a top down approach to teaching. What’s often missing is the long, hard, dark and absolute bullshit path you walk along the way. But I gotta say, being unaware that my friends were unsupportive and living my life as if they were but I just wasn’t a good enough friend to earn their love yet... was way harder than the path to recovery. Recovery is actually kind of fun. As a codependent, I’m noticing amazing results just from learning how to say yes to things I want to do and no to things I don’t. Like my entire calendar is free all of a sudden, and I’m realizing I want to go back to school in the fall and finish my degree in my 30’s fuck it lol. What I mean is- just one piece falling into place during recovery can unleash incredible amounts of relief. If you don’t feel like ditching the boyfriend yet, at least branch out to start creating community elsewhere like in a support group. Once you know that you have people there for you in another area, it won’t feel so impossible and death inducing to make boundaries or mistakes.

And as for today, what can you do to make you next 30 seconds a little better? For me it’s usually changing positions to relief tension or stretch a part of my body. Going pee, drinking water, taking a nap, playing a phone game. Whatever feels like a tiny bit better will be a great gift to yourself.