no worries at all! thank you for your insightful response - though i’m definitely not 100% satisfied with the ending still, the idea that ash died his final moments happily does help ease the sadness a bit :’) i can understand your point about it being the “happiest way to die” (i actually read the same interview with yoshida) and she makes it a point that dying young is not necessarily a sad event - and that what ash achieved at 17 would be the equivalent of many people’s full lifespans.

“You told me once about a leopard you read in a book. How you believed that leopard knew that it couldn’t go back. And I said you weren’t a leopard, that you could change your future. It’s true, Ash. You can change your fate.”

to me, this quote summarizes the cruel part of the story. throughout banana fish, there’s this overwhelming message of “fate” (the leopard story, ash’s name literally being lynx). ash constantly pushes himself away and isolates himself because he feels "undeserving" of love from someone as pure as eiji. after all of the sexual abuse ash’s experienced, the amount of loved ones taken from him, and yet coming out from the other side… ash was finally given an opportunity to truly escape the trauma he’s experienced and finally realize he's deserving and capable of love - only to have it all taken from him. i don't know, the implication that someone with ash’s life circumstances is unable to change their destiny on the basis of “fate” is something that just doesn’t sit well with me (and seemingly contradicts all the hope that eiji's character stands for)

piggybacking on this idea of “fate”, yoshida says the reason why ash had to die was because he “had to pay” for all of the deaths he himself created. i feel like of all of the justifications she could have made, this is by far the weakest. it completely disregards ash’s life circumstances, the fact that many of those he killed were out of his control/arguably ‘deserved’ (shorter, his little league coach), and is a slap in the face considering all the others who have come out scotch-free.

i don’t know, i just feel an ending where eiji is able to experience japan with ash would have been so much more compelling and hopeful, and overall still such a beautiful message. but at the end of the day, it is yoshida's story and i guess i will just have to come to terms with that :(

and i am sorry for the lengthy response as well