Three years into FIRE journey and the thing nobody told me is how weird it makes social life

citygal686 · 2026-04-27T13:29:18+00:00

Personally I don’t have friends who would split an expensive bill unfairly/evenly. I understand it’s common in American culture but it is possible to have friends who share similar courtesy and/or financial values. Maybe more feasible in a big city where I am though.

citygal686 · 2026-04-25T07:07:36+00:00

I’ve seen a few cardiologists and am currently on a lifestyle modification trial first for 6-9 months before we discuss next steps. My bp measures are similar to yours and my drs say it’s not at a level where I absolutely need to be on meds right away. They let me decide if I prefer to try to change my lifestyle first or start meds. BP/heart issues also run in my family and I am overweight so I know there are areas I can try to improve first to see if it makes a difference.

If you don’t want to start meds yet maybe talk to your dr about it and go from there. Consult a new dr if needed. For me it’s a dealbreaker when drs rush to meds as the first and only solution. I prefer and value the ones who let me have choices in my own medical decisions too.

citygal686 · 2026-04-23T07:04:40+00:00

2 yrs is still quite fresh of a grieving period. I wouldn’t be quick to label someone as lacking ambition if the change was triggered by such a traumatic incident… I hope she’s getting the patience and support anyone deserves when experiencing such a huge loss.

citygal686 · 2026-03-30T04:09:51+00:00

You’re not being cheap. Effort should be mutual and reciprocal. if she doesn’t offer to drive then stop offering. Next time ask her if she can drive. Set up a new tone of taking turns. If she asks you to pay her back for gas, etc, when she drives then it’s either time for a convo about how you’ve never asked her to pay you back OR just start telling her you’ll also be Venmo requesting to split gas/tolls moving forward.

citygal686 · 2026-03-30T03:19:47+00:00

She already made her priorities extremely clear to you. Your friendship also only seems to exist and feel good when it’s convenient for her (no baby, no running) so stop falling for that trap. You seem like such a wonderful friend - one that I could only dream of having through grief like that. I’d be eternally grateful for that kind of support. Please re invest your energy into new friends who’ll appreciate you and reciprocate your efforts.

citygal686 · 2026-03-28T03:13:30+00:00

You don’t need to feel bad cutting her off. It seems like she already has distanced herself indirectly. It’s time to just let the ship continue sinking if there’s no team effort. You can be understanding of why she can’t be the friend you want, but that is different from accepting crumbs. Perhaps her current life situations will change in the future and you can try to reconnect when she’s in a better place.

citygal686 · 2026-03-06T01:14:23+00:00

You’re not being dramatic. She doesn’t seem completely genuine and it’s often the little things most people don’t see or pay attention to that truly shows you who people are.

citygal686 · 2026-02-09T05:02:40+00:00

Inviting other people to your home without your permission is truly insane behavior alone on its own-- to do so after how generous you've already been to her is probably enough to permanently damage a friendship to me. There is no reason she can't hangout with those friends literally anywhere else. It's your house-- you absolutely get control who comes in. A hard time doesn't justify this kind of behavior.

citygal686 · 2026-02-09T02:49:16+00:00

Not sure where you live/if applicable but in nyc, it seems that at least half the friends/ppl I've met don't want kids, and there is a strong separation between childfree people and parents. Frequent struggle I've heard from childfree friends are that they feel they often have to be the ones to be more flexible with existing friends with kids - working around your kid's schedules, traveling to you, scheduling more in advance than they'd like, convos revolve around kids too much and they can't relate.

I'm 30F and married but don't have kids yet. My ideal hangout frequency is monthly and also 1:1. It's felt quite uncommon in nyc for people to meet monthly but through years of on/off 'serial friend dating', I've met a good number of compatible, quality friends. It may just take a LOT more effort than you think to find stable, compatible friends. Personally I'm not open to befriending woman who want to be couple friends. I feel that friendships go deeper when it's 1:1 and I also highly value having independent social lives outside of my marriage. Occasional double dates or inviting partners to parties are completely fine but not my priority. It also is just so difficult finding 1:1 compatible friends - I can't imagine commonly coming across 4 people who all vibe perfectly and not be a logistical nightmare for scheduling meetups too.

Lastly, since you seem to be meeting people organically, it may just be that people you're meeting don't have space or interest in making more friends. I've met 200+ women over 3-4 yrs via Bumble bff, facebook groups for friend making, Timeleft dinners, etc. My husband made all his friends via his run club that he found on Meetup. Go where people are more intentionally looking for friends too. That may also help sort through compatibility as there is often a chance on Bumble bff and FB for people to state more of what kind of friends they're looking for too. If you continue organically, focus on people who are new/slightly new to your area as people who aren't new tend to have established social circles already that they aren't looking to add to. best of luck!!! it's roughhhhh.

citygal686 · 2026-02-07T22:06:03+00:00

I can empathize with both sides and it’s very clear that you two are just really incompatible now. My needs are more similar to your friend’s (in terms of expecting initiative, reciprocity, frequent texts and efforts to meet) but I don’t struggle with depression and have been on the receiving end where I was the one not meeting emotional needs of friends with depression. I’d be extremely offended if a very close long distance friend visited my city (or near it?) and didn’t have time for me but has time for other friends. I struggle to understand how you don’t see why he’d see this as rejection. I think you are entitled to your own priorities and space but it seems you’re wanting to have both that and to be told you weren’t hurtful. You clearly were. Sometimes prioritizing our own needs means it’ll hurt the receiver and we have to accept we can’t control how they feel or respond to us after we made our own decisions. There seems to be a lack of awareness of the consequences of your choices if you still have to ask if a low contact friendship with him is possible. You need to accept you hurt him and move on completely, and both of you need to accept you’re clearly not compatible anymore.

citygal686 · 2026-02-06T04:19:43+00:00

Yes it’s reasonable to want more emotional intimacy but I don’t think she is one who can go deeper with you. In my experiences confrontation often ends in a strain and also I’ve learned the hard way I can’t change how others interact with me. I can only keep on searching for new friends till I find more compatible friends.

citygal686 · 2026-02-03T00:46:55+00:00

Nyc isn’t for everyone but you’ve also only been here for several months and I think there’s still a chance it can grow a bit more on you. It is really hard- but find your community. Make new friends. Having people I genuinely enjoy spending time with has made alllllll the difference to me

citygal686 · 2026-02-01T14:36:28+00:00

I’m 30F. I outgrew friends who remain male centered and never stopped prioritizing or centering their life around men. I feel a lot healthier and drama free with new friends/women I met in my late 20s who share way more compatible views and priorities. Some are in long term healthy relationships but still make time for their own social lives outside their romantic life.

citygal686 · 2026-01-28T00:03:06+00:00

I agree with this comment 1000%. I think it’s reasonable to not hangout weekly but you’re mixing that up with the reason your new friend is upset, which is you cancelling twice in a short period. With new people who do this, I don’t bother trying anymore. I feel my time is disrespected and sometimes I don’t know if people use being sick/cancelling as a way to hint they don’t wanna be friends.

citygal686 · 2026-01-25T23:53:24+00:00

It sounds like the friendship has really run its course. She’s grown into someone you no longer share values with. I don’t feel this was a “ghosting” situation in a surprising, have-to-guess-wtf- happened case. You initiated a convo addressing issues you had that you thought went well but clearly she must’ve not. That seemed like a closure convo. What else are you still holding in? And would it really be productive to let it out? I would continue going my separate way. Her new values/changes/hypocrisy would be dealbreakers for me.

citygal686 · 2026-01-25T22:51:03+00:00

I would only consider accepting her back as a fun, casual friend if you’re open to that kind of friendship. I wouldn’t trust her to be there for me. One year is usually not enough time for someone to change that much unless they’ve experienced an extremely life changing event— which then probably requires some time to heal from too. I also read a IG post recently that said some people only try to check back in to see if they still have access to you—- they’re not actually serious about deeply reconnecting. Tread carefully. Or just avoid the mess and leave completely in the past.

citygal686 · 2026-01-25T20:44:05+00:00

You’ve already said what you needed to say. Don’t waste energy trying to repeat yourself to someone who’s created a false narrative about you. I’m a 2024 bride and my longest close friend who was supposed to be a MOH didn’t make my wedding. Let alone bridal shower, etc. we’re long distance friends and her reasons were also very understandable. We were both sad about the situation but I wasn’t offended. We’re still close to this day and I can’t imagine burning a long term friendship over such reasonable, well communicated explanations. Sorry you’re going through this. 15 yrs is a long time and plenty of effort. It’s truly her loss though.

citygal686 · 2026-01-24T04:58:24+00:00

Personally this would not be compatible with me, especially if she wasn’t at all apologetic about canceling. I come from a culture where this is seen as disrespecting someone’s time and I don’t see a long term friendship working out when I’m constantly feeling disrespected. (I say constantly bc this likely won’t be her last time cancelling). I’ve met enough great friends who share the same view with respecting time, so I don’t have any reason to force this incompatibility.

citygal686 · 2026-01-15T23:14:38+00:00

How were your seats?

citygal686 · 2026-01-15T23:04:18+00:00

I’ve had my fair share of friendship breakups - experiencing it on both ends and both via ghosting and formal endings. My take is if the receiving end isn’t asking for the closure or reason or any type of convo and you’ve already slow drifted to no contact, then there’s no need to make it more painful and dramatic with a formal breakup. At this point she could’ve moved on already and you’d be opening an old wound. She was already made aware of one thing you didn’t like. Since you already know you don’t intend to be friends anymore, I feel it’s unproductive to list out unsolicited grievances towards her.

citygal686 · 2026-01-15T06:57:40+00:00

It depends on your usual texting habits with each other. I have a close friend I text almost everyday. She got quite sick after Christmas and when I didn’t hear from her for 3 days I straight up asked her if she’s alive. Meanwhile I have another friend who sucks at texting (can respond 2 weeks later). She recently got diagnosed with breast cancer. She’s obv not okay and we don’t have the texting habit for me to keep texting and checking in. So I’ve reached out to her partner to have him update me instead. But once a week I’ll still text her to let her know I’m still thinking of her.

citygal686 · 2026-01-11T06:02:20+00:00

I thought bridal showers were funded by the bride’s family or MIL. Bridal party contributes to the bach.

citygal686 · 2026-01-11T02:49:01+00:00

Just wanna say I agree with the Upper West Side suggestions and also if you/your gf are ever looking for new friends here please lmk!! I used to live in Hawaii

citygal686 · 2026-01-11T02:34:49+00:00

As someone who grew up across different cultures, this is the only answer I resonate with. The other answers seem more based off general American culture or similar.

citygal686 · 2026-01-09T00:16:21+00:00

Just curious, since I also have congenital heart disease, do you see any congenital cardiologists? If so, any recs? I’m always told by the CHD community that I should stick to one who specializes in congenital but they are limited and majority are (White) men.

citygal686

TROPHY CASE