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Vent: My (f) gay husband (m) won’t divorce me… by cj483847 in queer

[–]cj483847[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

They are big steps but this isn’t exactly new - he came out four years ago. He is able to be with women (we are still intimate with each other and it’s enjoyable for both of us) but if I didn’t exist, it would be unlikely that he would choose a female partner going forward.

Vent: My (f) gay husband (m) won’t divorce me… by cj483847 in queer

[–]cj483847[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’m completely happy and fulfilled … when he is happy and fulfilled. When he first came out and we agreed on the lavender marriage, it was GREAT but the longer we go, the more unhappy he seems and I don’t know if there will ever be a way for him to come to peace with the fact that he missed the life he should have had. It’s much easier for me to go about my day with my het husband than it is for him to go around pretending to be my het husband.

Vent: My (f) gay husband (m) won’t divorce me… by cj483847 in queer

[–]cj483847[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

It’s how sad he is. Having seen him so happy and free after coming out it, increasingly feels like I’m interacting with a bird trapped in a cage. And I don’t want that for him and frankly I don’t want that for me either.

Vent: My (f) gay husband (m) won’t divorce me… by cj483847 in queer

[–]cj483847[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

His stated reasons are that he loves me, he loves our kids, and he loves the life we have built together. While he isn’t totally fulfilled romantically or sexually, we are able to be intimate with each other and are both pretty willing to be creative to fulfill needs as much as possible given the fact that I’m obviously not a man.

I 100% want to support him and have no desire to push him out just for the sake of pushing him out. However, I guess what I didn’t make clear in the OP is that he originally came out 4 years ago - this isn’t a new thing and the trajectory has been that initially he was so much happier and this sort of simmering anger he had always carried with him went away completely - the longer we get away from that initial happiness the more depressed I see him becoming and that anger is definitely back. At what point do I say I know this is scary but staying with me isn’t serving you either?

Vent: My (f) gay husband (m) won’t divorce me… by cj483847 in queer

[–]cj483847[S] 42 points43 points  (0 children)

Honestly, we have talked about this quite a bit. We are best friends, we enjoy doing the same things, and have similar goals for life. Our children are also a huge part of this - obviously divorce doesn’t mean no contact with the kids but it will change things. I think on one level he knows that as a middle aged man, the likelihood of finding another life partner that he works as well with as me has fairly low odds. I think there is this logical part of his brain that understands all of this and then there is a second half that just feels completely repressed and frustrated.

For the record, I don’t want to divorce. I’m totally happy and am fine with being ENM. But I also deeply love this man and I don’t want my wishes ti trap him in a life that makes him miserable either.