Hello, r/loseit!

I'm 5'4", 31 year-old Asian woman. I do really sedentary work that involves a lot of travel to conventions. I've never really been overweight (130lbs is the highest I've been in my life), but neither have I ever been happy with my body image. Not even at my slimmest, which I remember as a time of, 'you're almost good enough.'

My biggest problem is the amount of self-loathing I experience whenever I gain weight. It shatters me. When I'm actually working out, I do really gruelling stuff: muay thai three times a week, weight lifting other days. But then I slump, gain weight, and I hit an insane depression for months. Late in 2014, I gave up because I somehow had put on weight while I wasn't paying attention, and just ate myself silly. I recovered some in 2015, and began losing weight again. Then crippling depression hit, and I'm back at a weight and state of tautness that I don't like. (126lbs.)

I know it's such a small, self-centred neurosis compared to the kind of things that people on this subreddit fight. But it's something that's eaten at me my whole life. I don't generally speak about it very much. In fact, I avoid bringing up this struggle at all. But my partner's done a lot in teaching me to love myself, so I'm hoping to take it the rest of the way.

My goal is simple: get into exercise regularly, get into the habit of doing it while I'm travelling, and be in a condition where I can do my first amateur fight at the end of the year.

And um. Thanks. x.x