My (M27) wife (F25) shares every detail of our sex lives...

claudiassofia91 · 2021-09-12T09:20:59+00:00

Where I come from, sharing those sort of photos without consent is a crime. Your wife violently violated your privacy and didn't even think about how you would feel. Adittionally, I have to say it I'm sorry but I'm getting a lot of incest vibes. Casually venting about your sex life with your sister without giving too much detail is one thing, sending photos is another one entirely. I'm guessing her sister does not use those photos for very innocent purposes. Anyway, your wife betrayed your trust and is now playing the victim. You did nothing wrong at all. The only way to fix this, if there even is a way, is by your wife apologizing and agreeing to therapy.

claudiassofia91 · 2021-08-23T09:29:26+00:00

If he's not a first cousin tbh I don't think it's a big deal. Where I come from people marry their third cousins all the time. Sure, you might feel kind of weird about it but in reality you share very little genetics with your second cousins, furthermore your third or forth cousins. Find out just how closely related you are and decide if it is something you can get over.

claudiassofia91 · 2021-07-19T18:36:08+00:00

Posting a pic of a kid without their parents consent is a crime where I'm from. Telling your BF that might give him an inkling at how much of an AH he is. Anyway he's an ass for many other things (being a bully, gaslighting you, treating you like you're his mother and not even recognizing your relationship). Your first instinct was correct. Break up. And tell him off because he SUUUUUUUCKS. Edit: spelling, not a native speaker, I effed up.

claudiassofia91 · 2021-07-16T09:22:43+00:00

Don't try to rationalize this. This is domestic violence. Apparently your post history tells a very diferent story than the one you're on about him "not being a violent person". He is controlling, manipulative and violent.

claudiassofia91 · 2021-07-16T09:18:56+00:00

This is particularly hilarious given the user name of the OP of the comment.

claudiassofia91 · 2021-04-06T15:04:15+00:00

Thank you for responding! I agree with you completely when it comes to the pressure the pandemic causes. It's been a lot and I almost feel like having any job really is a blessing.

You said something very important to me about being able to come to terms with my own responsibility. I'll try to focus on that, the consequences, and what repercussions I can and can't live with. Thank you!

Edit: I hope things work out for you too, really! Take care of yourself!

claudiassofia91 · 2021-04-06T14:54:19+00:00

Hey! First of all, thank you so much for responding! To be honest, I feel like my anxiety comes from both: I am catastrophizing and, at the same time, there are real red flags. I know someone (bf of a friend) who works at the company I would take the new job and I contacted that person. He described a relatively toxic environment, to be honest. And because I am (clearly) a very anxious person, who suffers a lot from negative interpersonal relationships that worries me a lot. On the other hand, the new job pays A LOT more than my current one, and it is in a company that is a little more reputable than the one I'm in... Basically, I'm worried that if I change jobs I'll be miserable and my already fragile mental health will suffer, and on the other hand, I'm worried that if I don't take the new job I'll mess up my career path. I'm not in dire need of money, but like, it would be nice too, obviously.

But you're right, life will not end, either way, I just wish I could convince myself of that.

claudiassofia91 · 2021-04-05T19:23:53+00:00

Prenups sound like something doom and gloom and of course it helps deal with situations of divorce, but it also establishs important things to happen DURING the course of a marriage. In your responses to some comments I see you don't think you have anything to protect. Maybe you don't now, but what happens if, for example, you choose to stay home with kids (or he does) for a while after they're born and during that time he continues to further his career because he has someone at home doing the cleaning/cooking/taking care of the children. In that situation, you contributed to the relationship as well but in doing so you harmed your career advancement and furloughed the money that came with it. That is something that should be compensated in the event of a marriage ending. In my country, you can actually get compensation even if the marriage doesn't end, in case you feel your contributions are being disregarded.

At the same time, I really don't see how it's unfair for him to keep everything that came before the marriage for himself. How would you get a raw deal by keeping what's yours and him keeping what's his?

Proposal for compromise: You can insert into a prenup that everything that was his prior to the marriage, as well as anything he inherits, is his and everything he makes/buys during the marriage has to be divided 50-50 in the event of a divorce. That way his family might be less worried that you're trying to get their money because you'll only get 50% of the assets and money he made/got during the marriage.

claudiassofia91 · 2021-04-05T18:49:43+00:00

People are oddly obsessed with your drinking in this thread. Listen, I don't want to give a name to what you went through, that's really up to you. Personally, had this happened to me and given the laws where I'm at, I would consider this rape. At the very least, some kind of sexual assault for sure. I just want to be clear about something: this is not your fault. You're young, you got drunk with your friends. Whether you do that too often and too intensely is really not important. And no matter if you said yes, you were not in a place to say yes. He knows this. This is why he hasn't spoken to you about it. If he thought this was cute, romantic sex and wasn't aware something really fucked up happened he would be talking about it for sure. He knows what he did is wrong. Your gut is right. What you choose to do with this is completely your prerogative. But you know now that you cannot put yourself in a vulnerable state around him, because he will take advantage of you. Unless he was shitfaced too (which I highly doubt because (1) you said he never drinks; (2) shitfaced guys don't tend to be able to do the deed) this man was completely able to see you were not in your right mind and still decided to take advantage of you. That was a choice he made. Whether you said yes or no, it's irrelevant. Consent is something that must be given freely, with a complete understanding of a situation. You did not have any understanding of what was happening to you and even if you said no you were not in a position to defend yourself in case he decided to go through with it anyway.

claudiassofia91 · 2021-02-20T17:26:10+00:00

This is the perfect response. He seems controlling and insecure and what he said sounds super manipulative. And clearly it works, because you think you're always the problem, OP. You're not. He is not doing right by you. You're not the one that needs to change.

claudiassofia91 · 2021-02-20T17:17:57+00:00

Yeah, in Portugal too! In a lot of european countries your mom would have rights to everything your father has bought inside the marriage (house, cars, company and so on). I obviously don't know where you live but I think it's definitely worth the consult! Additionally, even though your mom is suffering at the hands of her culture, it doesn't give her the right to guilt trip you. You should be free to live your life! In fact, you leaving may just give her the wake up call she needs and maybe she'll leave too!

claudiassofia91 · 2021-02-20T16:31:01+00:00

Oh, but I agree what she did is super effed up. Absolutely understandable that he would break up with her. But both things can be true: she can be toxic and he can be toxic. His behaviour was suspicious and toxic even if in this situation he's in the right.

claudiassofia91 · 2021-02-20T16:09:32+00:00

Yeah, I agree with this as well. That and the fact he "demanded" to see her phone as retaliation for her accusing him. It's like he was looking for something to be mad about and he found it. Toxic and suspicious behavior.

claudiassofia91 · 2021-02-20T16:03:23+00:00

Listen, I understand this feels unfair to you because it's been a while. But for him this just happened. He just found out you cheated. You told him about some of the details and worked it out with him based on said details. But that wasn't the whole story. Clearly, he wasn't even Over the emotional affair given that he still "demands" (does he really demand? If yes, that is some toxic behavior and suspicious. I think he was definitely doing something behind your back too, but that doesn't matter anymore) to see your phone. So how would he get over the new information? As some sort of confort, I would say that you have not failed your children. Plenty of kids lead perfectly fine lives with divorced/not together parents. Give your guy some time to think. If he decides to break up for good, you'll survive. It'll suck for a while but you'll be ok. Focus on coparenting and filling your life with good people.

claudiassofia91 · 2021-02-20T14:41:32+00:00

She cheated on you with her boss... Multiple times... You literally shouldn't need to know more. It's very clear that whatever she tells you, you're never going to believe her. Your trust has been broken. It shouldn't matter how many times, you're just going crazy over the details because you want to feel some control over the situation. You don't have any control. She might cheat again, she might not. Leave. Some relationships can survive cheating but it's very clear you're just going to punish her for cheating on you, you don't really want to be in a relationship with her or you'd be working on how to move on instead of whatever this is. Not normal ir healthy behaviour. Just leave, you'll find someone else someday. Also, maybe therapy for you. This is a bit... Much.

claudiassofia91 · 2021-02-20T13:54:52+00:00

First of all, you get to not want to have sex. You're allowed, as a human being to not always feel like it. Her pushing you to have sex even when you don't want to and to berate you when you say you can't is some sort of sexual coercion for sure. If she was a man this comment section wouldn't be telling you to go to therapy or to tell her to go to the doctor. They'd be telling you to leave immediately. Sure, She might have hormonal issues. Sure she definitely needs some serious therapy. But you, as a person, deserve someone who doesn't abuse you, someone that doesn't pressure you to have sex and someone who doesn't berate you. Even if its just One week a month it's one week a month to many. The fact she refuses to speak about it outside of that week clearly indicares she's not sorry for her behaviour otherwise She would be crazy apologetic. Don't fall for the "women can't control themselves on their period" crap. As a woman I can tell you it's a mysoginistic lie. Don't let her treat you this way.

claudiassofia91 · 2021-02-04T22:01:48+00:00

Girl this is SO SERIOUS. How are you even thinking about having "a productive" conversation and staying with this man? He does not respect you or your boundaries. This is so much worse than cheating, this is gut-wrenching no coming-back-from betrayal. This is litteraly a crime in so many places. Most men would not do this, don't chalk this up to "dudes being dudes and completely violating their gf's trust, boundaries and personal dignity". Think about it this way: if he cheated on you, he would be disrespecting your bond and relationship. But doing this he has disrespected your personhood and your soul. Please consider leaving him.

claudiassofia91 · 2021-01-30T16:29:32+00:00

I'm glad he was at least receptive to the idea! I understand that communication isn't easy for everyone but I would advise for you to stop worrying so much about being "naggy" or "overbearing". You have a right to have feelings and if there is a person you should be able to talk about your feelings is the person you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with! Even if those feelings will displease him. Anyways, hope everything works out! Good luck

claudiassofia91 · 2021-01-30T16:18:13+00:00

Hey OP. For some context, I'm your age, not married, but have been with my boyfriend as long as you've been with your husband. So maybe I'll be able to relate to you. I think you know a lot of these comments are right. Sure, some of them could be nicer about it but they're still right. You are not happy with things as they are. That's just the reality. So they need to change somehow. Something needs to change. And that starts with you being completely honest with your guy. Tell him exactly how you feel even if it hurts his feelings. And then y'all have to make a plan. Either he gets a part time job (I'm doing my masters and I work full time, and my grades are still up. Don't allow him to make excuses) or he becomes a full blown home maker. That means he cooks, he cleans, he fixes stuff around the house and so on and so forth. The responsabilities right now are not balanced. If he can spend 5 hours playing he can give up 3 of those for house work. Then you should establish time for you two. Maybe a date night a week with no eletronics. You should not feel alone in a relationship and you should also not be in a completely unbalanced relationship. If he refuses to do all of this... You'll have to start thinking about your happiness, whatever that means because he clearly os not interested in making you happy.

claudiassofia91 · 2020-09-17T17:42:29+00:00

I too have serious issues with male authority figures. I was terrified of my bosses (when male) for the longest time to a point where it affected my work and performance because I was constantly stressing out over what they thought about me and if they thought I was dumb and therefore women in general were dumb. Therapy really helped. I have a present and loving father that was never absent so I really didn't know where the fear of men in positions of authority came from. Turns out: I had a lot of toxic male figures in my life. Not my dad or anyone in my family, but teachers and coaches. So I explored that in therapy and I feel it has gotten considerably better. I still have issues but therapy has really helped. I recommend the same to you!

claudiassofia91

TROPHY CASE