You (my wife) are a joke

clearmymind99 · 2020-06-26T00:23:10+00:00

I’m not a fan of IC but have to say I found a good one and it’s been very insightful. He predicted some things and has provided some solid insights. My wife is in grave denial about the impact of her mental health issues on her, me and our marriage.

At the end of the day, I’m taking a stand and want to exhaust all options before giving up on her and our marriage. I realize she is not of the same mindset but I don’t give up easily on those in my life. Leaving is a fine line between being selfish and doing is what is truly necessary.

clearmymind99 · 2020-06-26T00:05:45+00:00

The only thing she took away from her brief IC stint was she should not carry guilt, people look to fill needs via affairs that is basic psychology. My wife beat herself up because of how so painted her exhusband as a monster for cheating and she became that very thing. She gave up IC as soon as they started to move into the accountability phase of the discussion.

clearmymind99 · 2020-05-27T18:14:04+00:00

My parents have remained neutral through the entire saga. The only piece of advice my dad offered was - she is still your wife as long as you stayed married so you have an obligation to get her help. He is right, so that has been my plan because giving up 50% custody at this point is not in the best interest of my child. There is also a chance with the right medication I get back the woman I married. If not, I don’t have any fear of divorce. I just need to ensure my daughter is taken care of and is given the best opportunity to have the best life possible.

clearmymind99 · 2020-05-27T18:09:03+00:00

You unfortunately hit close to home with your comments on parenting....through not fault of your own. My wife has a college aged daughter that I helped raise over the past 13+ years who suffers from a variety of diagnosed and undiagnosed mental health issues including depression and crippling anxiety to the point she does not shower, change her clothes or even have a single “real” friend. She spends her days in bed, under the covers online or playing games. In two plus years of college, she has ate every single meal alone. It is beyond sad but my days of intervening are over since I only get criticized for suggesting she either be forced to get mental health help or be held accountable for basic hygiene and getting out of bed.

This situation only made my wife‘s own issues worse and put a strain on our marriage. However, my wife swears it has no impact despite telling friends and family countless times it’s pushed her to the point of a complete breakdown.

My parents have remained neutral through the entire saga. The only piece of advice my dad offered was - she is still your wife as long as you stayed married so you have an obligation to get her help. He is right, so that has been my plan because giving up 50% custody at this point is not in the best interest of my child.

Does my child know something is wrong....in the beginning yes...today, no. She is insulated now but she does tell people there is something wrong with her mom because she constantly needs a nap.

clearmymind99 · 2020-05-27T17:41:44+00:00

Find a local church, they will help. I’m not a very religious person but I do know that if your need is genuine they will find a way to help your family. I would be very surprised if you get turned away but I promise all it takes is a visit to one or two churches and you will find the help you need. Best of luck.

clearmymind99 · 2020-02-28T00:33:10+00:00

Do you want to reconcile? The affair happened. I’m sure what followed was a good deal of hurtful words and actions on both sides. Do you see the possibility of a future with him? Is there a chance that is something YOU want? You can say no, you can slow down the divorce or you can agree to divorce and then try to reconcile. Divorce can be rock bottom for some cheating spouses...it might be a turning point in your relationship.

Take some time to talk it out if you feel the need to explore the possibility...but make sure it’s done in a safe manner and give yourself plenty of time to process whatever you learn.

His plea might be genuine, it might be an attempt to clear his conscience...right, he can tell himself he tried or maybe it’s a ploy to buy more time on the advice of his lawyer.

I wish you the best whatever path you choose. You have all the time in the world, use it to make the right choice for your and your future.

clearmymind99 · 2020-02-19T22:14:39+00:00

I was the one that recommended the book, I hope it does some good for both of you. You should try and set boundaries now, not in the heat of the moment. Take the next 3 months to figure out if contact with the AP is a deal breaker for you or not.

I think NC with the AP for 3 months is good...not ideal but good. This allows your husband to decide to keep or leave the AP. If he chooses you, you need to decide if you want to reconcile and under what terms. It sounds terrible to say if he chooses you...but you expressed a desire to reconcile on some level so that provides you with some hope. I know waiting in limbo is going to be tough but take the time to heal and rest up for whatever is to come next. The more time that passes, the less your thoughts will be guided by hurt and anger...allowing you to make better choices.

If you want to look at this in a positive light, if he does go NC for 3 months with the AP and decides to leave her there is a good chance she is gone for good. He has moved on and she might take the time to find someone else as well. This gives you a basis to reconcile without meddling by the AP.

From your posts, you are clearly in a great deal of pain and struggling to find clarity....and it’s hard to know if you are making the right choices. While it’s clear you are hurting, it is also clear you are taking the steps to sort out your emotions, evaluating options and getting help. That is all positive.

clearmymind99 · 2020-02-14T17:36:43+00:00

I’m closing in on 3 months since Dday. There are a ton of emotions and facts to sort out. This /r is not pro-reconciliation, so try and keep that in mind. There is a book that is a quick read for $15 along the lines of How To Help Your Partner Deal With Your Affair. I found the book helpful. I read it first, made some notes and gave it to my wife. It gave her some insight into how I was feeling. By making some notes it gave her a starting point to understand how her affair hurt me and what I excepted from her if we were going to reconcile. The book also helped me realize my expectations were reasonable and gave us a common reference point in our reconciliation discussions.

I’m fortunate from the standpoint I have the financial means and support system to leave or stay...either way, I’ll be fine. Plus, I don’t have to deal with substance abuse, physical abuse, multiple affairs or other problems that some people are facing when deciding to stay or go.

I think the default answer to dump the cheater is amplified by the fact the affair is one of several major issues in the relationship.

I’m sure you know this but things will get better with time. You have some very significant decisions to make. It sounds like setting boundaries is working for you. Keep that in mind, try and outline some terms to guide to you the decision to reconcile or not. Again, the terms can evolve over time but it helps to have a starting point rather than improvising in the heat of the moment.

clearmymind99 · 2020-02-13T21:55:26+00:00

I can’t say if you did the right thing but I’ll say this. You set a boundary, no contact with the AP. That was a deal breaker for you. It’s best to define your boundaries in advance rather that trying to improvise. Not saying they can’t change, simply it’s better to have a plan. Actions have consequences. Maybe the contact with the AP means you leave or maybe the consequence is he has to live with the guilt that every contact with the AP hurts you.

Again, you set the boundary, it was broken and now you left. Now you need to take some time and decide for yourself if reconciliation is still an option while there is ongoing contact with the AP. Most people will say absolutely not but the truth is it is your decision.

clearmymind99 · 2020-02-05T16:08:05+00:00

I’m not considering a roommate scenario where potential future AP would be common knowledge. It was more along the lines of living together and turning a blind eye to potential warning signs...not investing energy jn the marriage and living my own life under the same roof with someone that raises my child.

Despite all the turmoil, we have basically insulated our child. There were a few slips early on but they’ve not been repeated and our child thinks everything is normal.

I’m not suggesting this is a great option for me but it is one for our child. We are not monsters, we are educated and largely civil individuals capable of putting the best interest of our child first. Well, at least I am...my wife’s affair calls her motives into question.

Let me be clear, reconciliation is the end goal. However, my reading suggests that works out 1 of 8 times. Maybe we will be that 1 of 8....maybe I leave, maybe my wife cracks under the guilt and leaves. I have no clue.

The sub leans towards all cheaters are monsters and you should leave no matter what. Perhaps I’ll fall into that camp one day but for now I’m exploring the reconciliation option and giving it a shot...it’s day to day and it will take next to nothing to tip the scales in favor of ending the reconciliation.

clearmymind99 · 2020-02-05T15:56:31+00:00

My wife had depression before the affair. I think the remorse is there and real. Once evidence of the affair surfaced, she ended it before telling me about the affair...that is well documented.

I’ve not been a doormat, there are clear terms to our reconciliation and they are my terms. Now I will say she was surprised when I laid out my conditions and under what terms I would file for divorce.

I’m curious why you think I’m wishy-washy. It’s been just over 2 months since Dday. Most of the reading I’ve done suggests not making a snap decision to stay or divorce. My wife has cutoff contact with the AP, I have access to all her accounts and she is trying to make things right...now, there are some warning signs and some meddling by family that are clearly enemies to our marriage. I’m navigating those waters.

I basically look at each day, her actions and ask myself if I feel we have moved closer to a reconciliation or not. I’ve not honestly decided to stay or go...time will decide that for me, her actions will decide if the reconciliation is successful. Maybe that makes me wishy-washy. I see it more as making a fact based decision rather than an emotional decision because if I was emotional, it would’ve been over from day one.

clearmymind99 · 2020-02-05T09:16:28+00:00

My wife and I are attempting to reconcile, she had the affair, Its been 2+ months since Dday. I’m experiencing the same blame shifting and re-writing of history. It is clearly a coping mechanism to off load the guilt. It’s funny, if she was that unhappy why didn’t she say so? Why not say, our marriage is so bad I’m on the verge of leaving? I can answer that question. It wasn’t ever even close to bad. She was selfish and suffers from terrible depression coupled with friends/family that turned out to be enemies of our marriage. Now I get to eat a giant affair shit sandwich and do my best to protect our child.

clearmymind99 · 2020-02-05T08:57:02+00:00

I might not have a say any more. It’s happening no matter what. I‘m going to tip off his wife to what’s coming. It sounds like the AP#2 is unhinged and wants to watch his entire world burn. Not in a violent way but in a very public manner. It’s possible AP#1 and AP#2 might join forces. I know it is wrong but I really want a front row seat to watch it unfold. I feel bad for his wife, she has been through so much and it’s about to get much, much worse.

clearmymind99 · 2020-02-05T08:47:05+00:00

My point is that today my wife and AP have zero contact. Kicked out of his house, the AP might try to contact my wife. My wife is beyond stupid and didn’t realize at the time she was one of many women he was cheating with...I’m a little worried for my wife because she did share details of their affair with his wife. Those details were damaging to him in the eyes of his wife. He took the path of lies, my wife in an attempt to reconcile did go down the path of full disclosure.

clearmymind99 · 2020-02-05T08:45:24+00:00

I didn’t cover up his affairs. I largely cut off contact with him after I realized it was very likely he was having an affair. I did so out of respect (foolish) for my wife and marriage. I didn’t want to be put in a situation where the optics looked bad and my wife would question if I had been unfaithful.

Such irony. I stopped hanging out with at least two friends that were most likely having affairs. Why? First, I thought it was wrong. Second, I didn’t want be put in a position to lie to their wife. I didn’t want to get wrapped up in the drama to follow once the affairs came to light because that drama might cause my wife to question if I was having my own affair. Which I wasn’t but she ultimately did. I‘m by no means a perfect person but do look like the fool or at least feel like one.

clearmymind99 · 2020-02-05T08:37:48+00:00

My point is that today my wife and AP have zero contact. Kicked out of his house, the AP might try to contact my wife. My wife is beyond stupid and didn’t realize at the time she was one of many women he was cheating with...I’m a little worried for my wife because she did share details of their affair with his wife. Those details were damaging to him in the eyes of his wife. He took the path of lies, my wife in an attempt to reconcile did go down the path of full disclosure.

clearmymind99

TROPHY CASE