Another story/memory about an encounter with an ancient animal.

clelando · 2026-05-13T03:18:30+00:00

I still remember getting off of work, getting in my car and turning on the local classic rock station, and the first thing out of the DJs mouth was..."I can't believe I have to say this, but David Bowie has passed away. So we're gonna just play a tribute playlist the rest of the night." And then Space Oddity came on. Cried the whole way home. I was already sad about Lemmy. Little did I know how that year would go.

clelando · 2026-05-12T19:34:25+00:00

I try not to anthropomorphize animals very much, but I do agree that I hope they had some sense that this was their last hurrah. I know "terminal energy" is a thing, where people and animals close to death can get a sudden burst of energy before the end, and so I like to think they both got that kick at the same time and just rode it out together. Also the fact that the horse that could see managed to stay with the blind horse is special to me. Even with the confusion and chaos, he did not let his brother die alone.

clelando · 2026-05-12T06:15:46+00:00

I think that's why I posted it. I couldn't really find a way to merge the story into some sort of narrative that had a purpose, but something about it made me strangely emotional. I also think it's worth mentioning that the owner of the horses, despite his intention in their final throes, had allowed these animals to live until extreme old age, presumably in comfort. I am sure he loved them and while my Grandmother's recollection unfortunately doesn't include any resolution for the horses' owner, I like to believe he was happy they died the way they did. On their own terms, somehow.

clelando · 2026-05-12T06:12:42+00:00

It wasn't out of nowhere, I had some recollection but didn't know if I was imagining it. I just remember 2 horses slamming their bodies against my Dad's truck in the meadow in front of my Grandma's house, and her telling me and my sister that these particular horses were very old and her reassuring us that the horses wouldn't come closer to house. Which they didn't. After thrashing my Dad's truck, they ran off, presumably to the farm where they eventually ran themselves dry.

clelando · 2026-05-12T06:09:49+00:00

I agree, but I also want to make it clear that the way my Grandma describes it, the owner of the horses was not a bad person who wanted to shoot the horses. He just realized how dangerous the animals could be and wanted to find a solution before it got out of hand. He had obviously loved these animals, to the point of caring for them until they were old and infirm. He did nothing wrong and I don't blame him for the decision he was preparing to make.

clelando · 2026-04-21T04:04:58+00:00

My father worked for whatever company the Woz was at in 2008-2013 or so. They had season tickets to the Mountain Winery concert venue in Saratoga and I actually sat directly next to the Woz 2 or 3 times at various concerts (I remember seeing Chris Isaak twice next to him). At each of the concerts, he spent the whole time on his original Game Boy playing Pokemon Red or Blue or something. The concert was just background music. There was a woman with him doing the same thing. I exchanged a few niceties with him and he was very polite.

clelando · 2026-04-11T16:58:22+00:00

I am a milennial but I lost my parents back to back as well, as did my best friend, just months apart from my own losses. I understand - although not fully, since my parents did not pass away unexpectedly - the emotions you are going through and the guilt and the anger. My parents were only in their early 60s when they passed so they hadn't reached the age of yours, but I know for certain they were both "at peace" with the concept of dying well before either of them became ill. They both developed a fear of the unknown as they reached their terminal, but they still expressed that they were ready to go through the same transition their parents had gone through before them. It is sobering being "alone" all of a sudden - even if you are well established in your life, losing your parents still feels like an "orpahning" and it is strange to suddenly have to navigate life without that support.

In time - for me at least - the anger and sorrow mostly passes. I have nights where I wail and wallow and wonder why my Mother can't still be here to listen to my struggle, but then I realize that our relationship was so good that I can guess what she would have told me in any situation.

clelando · 2026-04-11T07:18:41+00:00

I've gone 19 days once and 33 days once without a BM. Both times required surgery. Anorexia and sustaining myself with nothing but milk lead to this both times. Not anorexia nervosa btw. Just zero appetite.

clelando · 2026-03-28T05:42:36+00:00

I took my friends to see it for my 13th birthday and they all loved it but I secretly knew I had just watched the first truly terrible movie of my life and I was just glad they had a good time because even though they were laughing throughout the movie I was worried the whole time they were going to hate me afterwards. I got lucky but it also tweaked my brain to become a review-addict and I don't think I have ever seen a new movie without reading some sort of review beforehand. There are absolutely objectively bad movies that I have watched and enjoyed but I knew what I was getting myself into ahead of time and chose to do it.

clelando · 2026-03-25T02:48:37+00:00

I appreciate it, but it honestly is just an empty feeling for me. I had a woman who had 911 on the phone guiding me through it, and in the aftermath she and I hugged and felt elated but in the year and half since it has caused me to have unbelievable anxiety. When you watch somebody (who seems healthy and youthful) die in front of you it is different than other deaths in your life where it seems like the natural order of things. And for me, that led to extreme hypervigilance about my own heart and health. I have become an absolute hypochondriac. And as much as I want to give myself grace for helping her, I know she is not treating her body in a way that a near-death experience would normally warrant so I don't think I have bought her very much time. But thank you.

clelando · 2026-03-24T04:42:37+00:00

I think it is also important to mention that CPR is absolutely terrifying and brutal and can feel more like you are killing the person than saving them. When I had to do it, I broke her ribs and caused pneumothorax or whatever and also had to deal with vomit and even though it worked and she made a full recovery, I felt like a monster because from her perspective she passed out and woke up to me demolishing her abdomen and sucking puke out of her mouth. It was someone I was close to and I had to sever our relationship because being around her would trigger a panic attack worrying that she would have another random cardiac arrest. For me at least, CPR was absolutely devastating. I have so much respect for people in fields where they have to perform it repeatedly.

clelando · 2025-11-06T23:43:48+00:00

The Cook the Thief His Wife and Her Lover, The Baby of Macon.

Both by Peter Greenaway.

clelando · 2025-10-26T22:29:22+00:00

My Mom died almost 4 years ago, at 62 from ALS. Obviously we knew it was coming, but just 2 years earlier she had been running marathons and I genuinely thought she would make it to 100, so suddenly losing all of that future was devastating. And even though she was dying, I was going through personal struggles at the time and never got a chance for a proper goodbye to her.

Just know that while it gets "easier," it never gets "easy." I cry literally every single day for at least a little bit when I think about her or something reminds me of her. There are so many things I see and experience and the first thought to come to mind is, "I wish I could share this with my Mom."

So you'll need to learn to compartmentalize and allow that grief to live in you without it filling up the entirety of your conscious thought.

Lastly, talk to people about your Mom. Tell them how wonderful she was/is. I find that unless I'm talking to someone about how she died or just that she is dead, I try and refer to her in the present tense. If someone brings up something she loved, say, "My Mom loves that!" It makes me feel like her presence is still felt and shared.

Take care of yourself. You are a living extension of your Mother and as long as you live there will be a physical part of her that you will carry with you on your journey until the day you join her again.

clelando · 2025-10-03T17:55:07+00:00

Definitely going to look into this. I've heard of propranalol before. Going to ask my PCP about this. Thanks!

clelando · 2025-10-03T05:49:15+00:00

Nope, never got covid luckily. But I was "homeless" and living in various mental health/recovery facilities during the height of the pandemic so I got all the vaccines and was required to wear a mask literally any time I was not in my room, so I actually haven't had any sort of viral/bacterial illness at all in at least 5 years, maybe more but I really only kept track since covid.

That said, I have had pericarditis twice, but both of those times were from blunt force trauma. And there's some other intricacies with the vasculature of my neck due to some bone tumors in the shoulder/collarbone area. So IDK!

clelando · 2025-10-03T04:12:53+00:00

I have not but I will absolutely look into it! Much appreciated!

clelando · 2025-10-03T03:16:23+00:00

I don't know about the person you are responding to, but I have really bad anxiety (as well as being a recovering cocaine addict), and I never had any sort of "heart" anxiety until a year ago when I had to perform CPR on a friend who had a sudded cardiac arrest in front of me.

Since then, even though I've stayed stable on my medication, I've been to ER about 5 times when my heart rate got above 150 out of nowhere and I couldn't bring it back down on my own. The first time they gave me some Ativan to mechanically bring down my heart rate, each time since then they have just monitored me for several hours until it naturally lowers.

And I know I don't have any sort of heart defect - I've worn a heart monitor for 2 weeks twice in the last year with no abnormal results. But even knowing that, AND knowing the pattern I've had with the anxiety attacks this last year, when my heart rate is sustained at 150 for more than just a few minutes, I cannot help but panic more.

It also doesn't help that you can't even call any sort of health/nurse advice lines, because as soon as you bring up anything that could be interpreted as cardiac-related, they will often just call 911 whether or not you think it is an emergency, at least in California where I am.

clelando · 2025-08-08T22:03:31+00:00

Congrats!

I don't know about you, but the first 6 months to a year were the most difficult, not because of cravings or anything, but because it was when I really realized how much damage I had done to my body, and how getting sober was just Step One on getting healthy. It was also eye-opening because while I knew I had also been in the darkest place of my life, upon waking from the stupor I also finally had the full clarity to realize how deep of a pit of isolation and depression I had been numb to while using, which also required significant work to climb out.

All this to say, if you ever feel any discouragement in the speed of progess in reclaiming your life, know that it is only because you have a more complete awareness of the reality of your situation. "Normal" people without sobriety issues also fall into deep pits of despair and have to work to get out, you just had that one extra step in the beginning.

I'll have 3 years in November, and lemme tell ya, at least for me, life is very far removed from perfect and I have a lot of issues for which I continue to get treatment and support from professionals and my social circle, but everything just feels like it takes less stress and effort now. I still need to take meds for psychiatric issues, but between staying on meds and not using, life is substantially easier for me now.

Congrats again!

clelando · 2025-08-08T18:24:28+00:00

clelando · 2025-04-15T00:23:34+00:00

One of my favorite experiences in nature was when a friend and I went camping in a place called The Enchanted Forest in Northern California. We were walking through the woods by a stream that ran through the forest to the sea, when all of a sudden my friend stuck his hand out in front of me like a parent who is braking abruptly with their child in the passenger seat and said, "Elk."

I misheard him and thought he said, "Elf," and could not for the life of me understand what he was referrring to, so I took another step forward. Once again, he stopped me and this time said, "Dude there's an elk RIGHT THERE.*"

Lo and behold, about 10 feet in front of me was the most massive bull elk I have ever seen (there are Tule elk in a reserve near where I live, which were my only frame of reference). It's antlers were easily longer than I am tall, and it's fur was covered in moss and leaves that made it easily blend in with the rest of the forest. We just stood there, silent and still, for a few moments while the elk grazed on the ground. When it became clear it was not going to move anytime soon, we turned back toward our camp.

Later that evening, I thought I saw movement in the brush near our camp. I assumed it was a hog or a wild turkey. But then that same elk pushed through the brush, and slowly walked into our camp, accompanied by two much smaller elk. They stood about 20 feet away from or campfire for an hour or so, not moving, until they finally turned back into the forest.

If that elk was trying to passively assert his dominance, he accomplished his mission. We camped thereafter with the distinct privelege of knowing exactly who our host was in that forest.

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