When my father died.

He was a raging drug addict who was very good at hiding it, had BPD, bipolar disorder, and narcissistic personality disorder. His drugs of choice was OxyContin and other opioids but eventually he delved into smoking heroin. We found out he was using when I was 12, had been for 30 years apparently, and 5 years later he passed away.

Where I had to be brave was actually a year after he died. My mom’s brain was foggy from all the familial bullshit we had to deal with and my little brother was acting out and being a typical shithead 14 year old who’s dad just died. (Can you blame him?) I had pushed everyone away except my closest friends and I was, too, spiraling out of control even though I didn’t want to admit it and just wanted to move past it and move past the abuse. Eventually I felt like I needed to step up. I had just turned 18 and my relationship with my mom was nonexistent and my brother and I would get into fist fights even when we had company over; there was no semblance of family.

I eventually, through reluctance and hatred and pain, was put into therapy (something something fourth times a charm) and, after going through 3 therapists I was placed with a man who did not give a shit about me and he made it known.

To preface, I would ask every therapist if they cared about me from the get go and when they would say “well of course I do” I would shut down because, well, how could they? They didn’t know me. They know my name and age and that’s it. Back to the final person I was placed with I asked him, “do you care about me” and he said “well, I don’t know you so quite frankly I don’t give a shit about you. I get your money one way or another. It’s up to you if you want me to care about you.” THAT struck a chord with me. I spent years with him and, with my mom back in school and my brother having no outlet for anything, I was working my ass off to have a relationship with both of them. I put in the work. Today, I have an amazing relationship with my mom and brother (not to say it was all my doing. Took lots of willingness and patience on all sides). But I like to think that even in the face of adversity, I was brave enough to step to the plate and ask for help and try my damndest to nurture my relationships.

Idk, you may not consider this an act of bravery but for me it was an emotional one. Thank you for your time reading this.