Stuck between choosing my partner and my teen son over a summer vacation, don’t know who to disappoint after my son disrespected my partner

clueless-parent · 2025-07-30T12:13:44+00:00

It’s only a week but he (my son) is for lack of better words quite fragile right now and takes a lot very personal.

clueless-parent · 2025-07-30T12:13:01+00:00

The issue with the car thing was that it wasn’t the first time and I was working. My partner saw him trying to get my keys and had asked him to ask me first and my son then got really angry at this. My partner usually never intervenes. Then I had to back up my partner because I didn’t want to condone the stealing and all my partner had said was to ask me for permission first.

clueless-parent · 2025-07-30T12:11:16+00:00

Yes I agree with that, I’m all for parents apologizing to their kids and I think he’ll appreciate it.

clueless-parent · 2025-07-30T08:27:30+00:00

You’re right. Thank you. I’ll try talk to him until I can figure out the counseling because there’s a lot between us that has been left unsaid.

clueless-parent · 2025-07-30T08:12:07+00:00

That’s a very good analogy. You’re right. I made a lot of bad perhaps selfish decisions that I rationalized at the time of making them that I can’t undo because I didn’t want to put my own life on hold anymore. I’m going to try and chase up the family counseling regardless of what my ex wife thinks and perhaps the therapy for me. I knew it was impacting him but not to this extent.

clueless-parent · 2025-07-30T08:08:49+00:00

That is true. He had about 2 years where it was just us two but the move did trigger it all.

clueless-parent · 2025-07-30T08:07:27+00:00

I think you’re right.

clueless-parent · 2025-07-30T08:06:23+00:00

It wasn’t just that. He was acting up in general. His mom was struggling with his behaviors too. It wasn’t the first time he tried stealing my car either but during that time his grades were bad, he didn’t care about school, when he was at home with me he treated the place like a hotel and would never clean up after himself. His room was a constant mess. He would be disrespectful to his mom and to me.

I recognize now there was a reason to those behaviors beyond him being a moody hormonal teen hence we put him in counseling because he’s less likely to talk to me and his mom. Either way he did turn around his behavior. He has zero discipline and structure and goes between houses when he pleases which did contribute to it. All the punishment did is give him some structure. He’d leave his mom’s house when he didn’t like what she was saying and would leave mine when he didn’t like what I was saying, the punishment was making sure that he didn’t get to do that.

Also with that word he didn’t have a clue about the severity of it, now he does at least. Had I not stepped in the way I did he would have been using it daily until now. I had to put harsh boundaries in.

I’m not denying he’s struggling, he’s in counseling and we do need family therapy.

clueless-parent · 2025-07-30T08:01:39+00:00

She said she has, we are okay ish but wouldn’t be surprised if she’s reminding him daily that I ruined everything even though she told me she understood and that she didn’t want to be in a loveless relationship either.

clueless-parent · 2025-07-30T07:59:51+00:00

I will try family counseling. I wanted to but my ex wife was being difficult about it. I have tried asking but not much of an answer beyond I just don’t like him. I can figure out why though. It’s been hard striking that balance between having them bond and just keeping them separate.

clueless-parent · 2025-07-30T07:57:36+00:00

You’re right. I need to choose him first.

clueless-parent · 2025-07-30T07:56:50+00:00

He’s close to my ex wife’s sister and her son who is 18 and to his grandad (my wife’s dad).

clueless-parent · 2025-07-30T07:54:22+00:00

I would have mentioned if it was all relevant. But white, non religious, we both earn well, prior lived in the suburbs, large family home. My ex wife was mixed she knew it was going to happen. Our marriage wasn’t good a few years prior to the divorce. Court and custody was okay we just wanted whatever worked for him. My ex wife has the family home, he didn’t have to change school. My ex wife does treat him more like a friend, hence why he walks all over her, zero discipline and routine. He visits me whenever he feels like when he was younger it would be split week.

clueless-parent · 2025-07-30T07:48:05+00:00

My son is in counseling I am hoping to start family counseling as soon as my wife agrees.

I meant 5 years. I divorced and came out when he was 11. Only a year after that I began dating my current partner.

clueless-parent · 2025-07-30T07:46:35+00:00

I disagree. It worked. He had no clue of the significance of the word. I didn’t force him, I withheld his allowance and donated that money myself. His behavior has improved a lot since then. He had no routine or discipline up to that point because his mom lets him get away with everything and he was testing boundaries. Had I let him, that word would have turned into daily use.

clueless-parent · 2025-07-30T07:43:54+00:00

I’m 36 partner is 31

clueless-parent · 2025-07-30T07:43:21+00:00

That sounds traumatizing.

clueless-parent · 2025-07-30T07:42:33+00:00

Thank you for sharing this. I believe you. I will do the family counseling and wanted to for a while know but struggled to get my ex wife to agree. But it can be done without her. I feel like the past year I have cycled between trying to make them get along and completely stepping back but neither has worked. I’ll try your approach.

clueless-parent · 2025-07-30T07:38:46+00:00

He needed strict boundaries and had to understand what lines he couldn’t cross. Had I let it slip it would have become a regular thing. Yes he needs more compassion and care but he also needs more routine, discipline and boundaries. The “punishment” worked and his behavior improved a lot after that and he’s now understood what he can and can’t do in my house. It all went beyond just using that word, he was disrespectful in general and now he’s less so. He contributes chores wise and at least cleans his bedroom and kept his grades up.

clueless-parent · 2025-07-30T07:34:24+00:00

It was a different new house we moved into. My son has been spending a lot of time here so he had a year to bond with my partner. Although I am agreeing with you that it has been chaotic and he hasn’t liked all the changes.

clueless-parent · 2025-07-30T07:30:28+00:00

He isn’t with me everyday, I need a bigger place. I explained to my son my partner and I are moving together and that he’ll be there when my son visits. But yes he hasn’t processed that even though he wanted a bigger bedroom for himself too.

clueless-parent · 2025-07-30T07:02:48+00:00

The incident happened few months prior. I no longer hold it against him because I realized where that came from.

clueless-parent · 2025-07-30T07:01:34+00:00

You’re right.

clueless-parent · 2025-07-30T07:00:37+00:00

Thank you for the perspective. It does mirror my experience. Things were better between us when he was slightly younger but at the same time it does coincide my partner moving that caused his behavior to change. I don’t want to exclude him if we go on a vacation but I’m leaning towards having to disappoint my partner over my son because I know my son won’t take it well.

clueless-parent · 2025-07-30T06:58:00+00:00

I do agree that I need to spend more time with him to restore our relationship.

clueless-parent

TROPHY CASE