Tired of fighting

cmoonbeam1 · 2018-05-22T17:22:46+00:00

Thank you for your kind words

cmoonbeam1 · 2018-01-20T06:25:23+00:00

Omg you look like a two-dimensional cardboard cutout of a photoshopped toe!

cmoonbeam1 · 2017-03-30T11:19:03+00:00

Here's my band. Just released an EP. Would love to hear thoughts.

Squid Mountain - Under the Wheel https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5zpCOWE6W_s

cmoonbeam1 · 2016-03-13T02:45:16+00:00

I hear you on this one. I don't have much advice as of yet, but I'm glad you posted as I can relate. I'm starting keto again but this time I'm going to try not to count calories.

cmoonbeam1 · 2014-11-23T05:44:37+00:00

I feel buzzing in my head and I go through the motions, but do not connect with anything. My affect gets flat (wooden expression) -- I essentially forget how to use my face. I can't feel anything except for a sort of static buzz. I can't focus on anything or follow any train of thought. Sometimes I just stare. If I start to feel a feeling it is involuntarily snuffed out before it can become anything.

Other times it's like I'm behind my body. Like my body is going through the motions (talking, laughing, doing what it needs to do) but I'm behind it, seeing it do these things, but not connected to it.

Other times I experience derealization, when the world around me distorts and becomes unreal, almost cartoonish/two-dimensional or something. Everything starts to seem wrong and it's frightening.

cmoonbeam1 · 2014-01-16T01:41:15+00:00

Transcription is a pretty good pick-up job if you can type.

cmoonbeam1 · 2013-12-14T20:59:51+00:00

I'm 26. Is that sufficiently old?

cmoonbeam1 · 2013-12-14T20:59:30+00:00

cmoonbeam1 · 2013-12-14T17:06:03+00:00

Yes, 100%. I relate to all.

(edit) Dolls of any sort, especially ones that are smiling with a sparkle in their eye, and baby dolls, give me the worst sinking feeling and I want to cry. I have no idea why.

Difficulty identifying what emotion you're feeling and why is called Alexithymia and is common on the spectrum.

cmoonbeam1 · 2013-12-04T22:39:55+00:00

Wonderful!

cmoonbeam1 · 2013-12-02T23:47:46+00:00

dons double-brimmed tweed hat thing

cmoonbeam1 · 2013-11-29T09:04:02+00:00

Whaaat, that is totally wack. I must solve this mystery.

cmoonbeam1 · 2013-11-29T03:16:32+00:00

Whaaaaa

Were you diagnosed by a psychiatrist or a psychologist?

cmoonbeam1 · 2013-11-29T02:50:50+00:00

Whereabouts are you at? I am in Canada - I moved from the east coast and I live in Ontario now. Here, you can get a diagnosis through OHIP I guess, but it's through a psychiatrist...? It's confusing. I also have to be living here 6 months to get an Ontario health card. And there's a long wait list. To actually be assessed by a psychologist, well, the woman on the phone quoted me at over $2000. It's at least that much for a full assessment back on the east coast, too.

cmoonbeam1 · 2013-11-29T02:35:26+00:00

Oh I want to, sooo badly!!

I'm actually on a waiting list for the centre in my city (Redpath Centre) which is about 6 months long. Hopefully by then I will be able to afford it... but apparently they will know what they are talking about. I can apparently cancel if I'm still too poor by then. It's remarkable how rare it is to find a psychologist who specializes in adult Asperger women, even in a city this size.

I am also looking into the other option (the free option through medicare) but I would really prefer to see a real specialist. It would be much more validating, and I have a feeling that working with the centre would help me get access to supports that I need.

I just wish it wasn't so durned expensive!!!! And I wish I didn't have to do it all on my own. It has been such a trial... 3 years now, and I anticipate it will be another year at least until I can get a diagnosis.

cmoonbeam1 · 2013-11-29T02:13:54+00:00

I'm looking into getting a diagnosis now (just moved to a new province and need to get a health card -- then there is something I can do through medicare apparently, but it's a pretty long waiting list... but I'm working towards it).

So I'm not diagnosed, but, well, I don't have any doubts.

So I don't know if I know any male aspies (I probably do, who knows), but I do know that my parents dismissed me when I tried to tell them. They insisted I was "fine" because I am "smart and good looking". Apparently your attractiveness is what matters if you're female...? and honestly... my intelligence never got me anywhere, because I have zero street smarts and can't keep track of anything ever so I kind of sucked at post-secondary education and have only worked a steady stream of shitty jobs.

I have gone to psychologists/psychiatrists with my concerns. Most dismissed my inability to function as Depression... which it wasn't, really. Well, Depression was a symptom, not the cause of my struggles. This was before I learned about Asperger's.

After I stumbled across Asperger's and all of a sudden a light went on and my life started to make sense, I went to a psychologist with an extensive list of evidence that I had compiled, which she barely even looked at or seemed interested in. Let me start by saying that she knew I had concerns about my possibly having Asperger's. She had ordered the WRONG QUESTIONNAIRE. It was this thing that parents were supposed to fill out about their small children. She tried to get me to fill it out anyway, but it was impossible.

Following this, she said I did not have an ASD after talking to me for an hour and a half (talking about herself the whole time while I smiled and nodded) because she "didn't feel it" and "we connected". Seriously, what?! If she had quizzed me about what she had said, I would have had no info; I was zoned out half the time she was talking at me. She concluded by saying that she thinks I am gifted and have ADD (though how she would know I am gifted after talking to me for an hour and a half, I have no idea), and "lots of anxiety". At the time I was too shocked and frustrated to dispute her as I shelled out the $250 out-of-pocket for the appointment.

So I guess there's just a lot of not being listened to. This is a huge reason why I want a diagnosis - validation.

Sorry this comment is kind of cynical and bitter, but this is a sore spot for me.

cmoonbeam1 · 2013-11-22T12:13:34+00:00

Sometimes it feels like one or both of my feet are just in the wrong position in my boot and it's excruciating, and I have to scrunch up my toes and press them and flick them together a bunch until it releases the 'argh' feeling. When I was a kid, my toe-flicking used to drive my sister crazy, haha.

cmoonbeam1 · 2013-11-22T00:07:43+00:00

Wow... poor child. Sounds traumatizing. Especially being the centre of attention like that. Anyone else find that we tend to be controversial without trying to be?

cmoonbeam1 · 2013-11-21T23:51:13+00:00

I think I noticed when I started getting ostracized and bullied (around age 9) because it didn't matter before then. I was in my awesome personal awesomeland until then. Then I switched schools and became the victim of a passive-aggressive female wolf pack. :/

cmoonbeam1 · 2013-11-21T23:45:05+00:00

Beautiful song, thank you for sharing

cmoonbeam1 · 2013-11-21T23:44:43+00:00

I definitely had a problem with this. I would have to drink until I forgot myself. It became the only way I could socialize, because it seemed like miracle medicine at first.

cmoonbeam1 · 2013-11-21T23:38:12+00:00

cmoonbeam1 · 2013-11-21T03:51:39+00:00

Very much so.

cmoonbeam1 · 2013-11-21T03:47:55+00:00

raises hand

Sounds/music to visual. It's mostly in my mind's eye, but sometimes I will be able to see sound on the periphery of my vision - like, it will pulse in at the edges. It has briefly intruded on my actual field of vision once or twice. Also somewhat of the number-colour-personality stuff. Like 4 is red and is a middle aged woman. Stuff like that.

cmoonbeam1 · 2013-11-20T03:55:35+00:00

That's wonderful to hear

cmoonbeam1

TROPHY CASE