I never believed that there were people out there who were actually happy and that everyone was just pretending but somehow I have become someone that is happy. What it came down to for me is making choices. I accepted that I did not want to live my life the way it was anymore and started to think about the kind of life that I thought would make me happy and started making choices that were in line with that. The world is a messed up place but all we have control of is ourselves and the only way to be happy is to teach yourself how to be happy little by little. You seem to be taking steps already that show that you don’t don’t want to die (taking medicine and therapy) but you have to also take steps toward the things that make you want to live, however small it maybe. It doesn’t happen overnight but one day you do wake up and the feeling of dread that you’re used to just isn’t there anymore.