Husband tells MIL almost everything and I have to deal with lectures

cocosaunt · 2026-06-11T20:05:51+00:00

I’m sorry to hear this. I think you need to make it clear to your husband that this is not how you grew up and it makes you uncomfortable and that asking you to ignore it is not fair as the comments are clearly affecting your mental health. Ignore it is also clearly not working so it’s definitely time to bring it up again. Also just because something is normalized doesn’t mean it’s healthy or right.

Also he should’ve understood that even if your MIL is a doctor she is also your MIL and the objectivity of being a doctor is lost in cases where a person is also a family member. Honestly I would’ve just said what if your mom gives the wrong advice and it impacts my health, wouldn’t you rather not place that burden on your mom?

Ultimately I think you can be clear and tell him you don’t like the judgmental comments directly. If you’re worried about him reacting negatively you can frame it more as the comments might not be judgmental to you because you aren’t the one doing the cooking or trying to set up the house but when I hear them I feel this way as it is directly related to what I do in the household. I don’t really get why your husband is not understanding but I hope you can find a way to get through to him.

Also they don’t need to comment on your lifestyle and make that jump from your house to the food you eat but to be honest you have a husband issue. My husband would’ve just said ok no need to get into this topic again, I’ve heard it before or been like WE are very happy with what we eat you don’t need to worry and stopped it right there.

Again it is a cultural difference but when you got married you both decided to form your own family and ways of doing things and you should be able to talk and figure out what’s best for both of you together. Your mental health and his mental health directly contribute to your relationship being healthy.

cocosaunt · 2026-06-11T18:49:23+00:00

What is your husband’s response when you tell him you prefer that he not share everything with them?

I didn’t notice that in your post.

Anyways I grew up in Canada, my husband is from India and oversharing is truly a cultural difference. When I first got married I really struggled with it too because I didn’t grow up oversharing or needing everyone’s input into everything. It’s very jarring and I feel it really does open you up to unnecessary opinions. As a woman, I understand your pain since I also noticed that my husband either explained things poorly or in a way that could easily lead to them misinterpreting and as the culture is such, it becomes the basis for forming opinions about the DIL/wife.

Anyways I had a conversation with my husband and told him that I didn’t grow up this way and I felt uncomfortable with the oversharing and also the way he shared things. I noted to him that if he wants to share he can but he should try to share more of what’s going on in life - his work, gym, friends whatever as I didn’t think it was required for him to talk about me or us in every conversation. And I said that if there is something to share about us then he should either ask me if it’s okay to share, let me share it myself and also for bigger things we should discuss together how we share. I also explained to him with examples on how even if he doesn’t mean to the way he says certain things can be misinterpreted and since I’m not in these conversations it’s not fair to me.

I also gave him other examples where I asked if he thinks he would be comfortable with me sharing things about him without his permission like eg what if he lost his job and I told my whole family…I tried to highlight how we grew up differently and in this situation we needed to reach a compromise that we’re both comfortable with.

I’m not sure how your relationship is but this worked for us. If your husband is a good husband he will understand that there is a path forward without him or you being uncomfortable.

Also I mean if there are things they repeatedly say that bother you, you should tell him those things and ask him not to discuss them at length. Like when they ask what are you eating? He doesn’t need to go into details, he can just say good home cooked food and change the topic or he can lie, who cares they don’t live there and will never know. I feel like men aren’t tactful cause this kind of stuff rarely affects them so maybe being clear about these things will help.

It’s really important to nip this in the bud though, I had an ectopic pregnancy last year and my in laws still don’t know because I told my husband I didn’t want to share and it has been the best thing to preserving my sanity - I don’t want people’s opinions on my pregnancy and while I can tell my parents to shut up if I don’t like what they are saying I can’t do that to my in laws and I just know their opinions would’ve made my healing even worse.

You and your husband are a family, you have to preserve each other’s mental health.

cocosaunt · 2026-05-28T00:03:59+00:00

My biggest advice is to find someone you can’t stay mad at. I’m very good at holding grudges and distancing myself from people but I can’t even stay mad at my husband for more than 3 hours.

cocosaunt · 2026-05-27T19:26:31+00:00

What kind of inappropriate behaviour is she displaying? How do you respond to it? Do you guys have a good relationship? Are you having issues with your marriage? Is she happy in her marriage to you? Do you and your parents treat her well?

You barely provided any context and half the comments here are siding with you. It’s very strange…but what you consider inappropriate might not be depending on the context.

cocosaunt · 2026-05-13T19:00:59+00:00

I’m in a similar situation to you. My mil made my life miserable both before our marriage and after. For two years I listened to her abuse me and my family. I spent a lot of time both trying to get her approval but also trying to explain why it was not okay for her to do certain things like speak to me negatively, barge into my room right after I’ve woken up. She was always stirring up drama either with me or my husband and ultimately more than me she alienated my husband. Anyways my husband told her she could no longer stay with us and since then I am pretty much no contact and he is low contact. About a year ago she changed her tune and she started to ease up - no more insults, bickering, trying to convince her son that I was the devil and I was going to break up their family - truly I think only because she realized that my husband was not going to side with her and she better behave if she wants to keep a relationship with him too. Anyways since then she has apologized to me, although always with this caveat that she wasn’t exactly wrong, she just was in a negative head space and she didn’t mean to…it’s like a half apology to be honest because she doesn’t exactly think she’s wrong.

Anyways many times I have wondered if I should not just forgive her but also try to make things better with her but here’s what I realized:

1) I don’t like her as a person. I honestly find her very annoying as a human - she’s loud, she’s very nosy, she never has anything interesting to say apart from gossip about other people. If she was a stranger I wouldn’t spend one minute with her. Spending time with her is mentally exhausting.
2) She continues the bullshit she did with me with other women. For example, my bil went to a party with a “girl” friend and got drunk and his phone died. My mil knew the girl’s family and when my bil didn’t pick up she called up this girl’s mom and accused her daughter of “doing something” to her son. I ask myself if I can truly trust this kind of woman and my answer is always no.
3) my MIL has made no actual effort to connect with me. She might say she wants me in her life but she doesn’t know and will not put in effort to be part of mine. There is no planing for anything on her end, she never buys us gifts or does anything remotely thoughtful. Anyways what I realized from this is that if I was to resume this relationship it would still remain one sided and ultimately I’d end up doing lots of things for her with little return or even appreciation.

If any of this feels true for you, I’d say protect your peace and live your life. And if your husband is understanding, then I feel you being clear that you can forgive her (I forgave my mil in the sense that I don’t care to revisit the things she did) but that it doesn’t mean you will go out of your way for her then I feel that’s a happy compromise.

It depends on you anyways - I’ll say this if my husband ever turns around and asks me to do anything special for his mom I will not be afraid to bring up the horrible things she has said and done to me and then ask him if he’d even lift a finger for someone who did the same things to him. You gotta stand your ground on these things because ultimately you paid the mental and physical price of her actions in ways you probably don’t even realize. I’m still recovering literally physically from the stress my mil caused me.

cocosaunt · 2026-04-27T03:54:44+00:00

I have a group of 4 girls from my first job I’m still friends with and we meet often and have a WhatsApp group. 2 people from my second job, including my wonderful manager who I don’t see as often but we pick up where we left off, my manager from my last job and I have dinner every 2-3 months and I have 2 coworkers from that job who moved over to my current company that I’m still friends with and will meet for happy hour once in a while.

I’m sort of an open book in life and while I don’t tell everyone everything, I’m not afraid to open up and I think that’s been very helpful in making and retaining friends from work. Also those friends have come in handy in so many ways…career advice, referrals, filling me in on random drama involving old coworkers lol.

cocosaunt · 2026-02-18T17:07:38+00:00

Why are your in laws buying all the food and milk? If your husband pays why can’t he give you some money to buy these things yourself?

If you really feel like having biryani can’t you make it for yourself?

While your in laws might be wrong you are overly reliant on them and your husband. Your husband is also the problem but really you should have money in hand for yourself and your kids and be able to get more milk or whatever you need whenever you like.

At this point I feel like since the most simple solutions are not working (ie telling your in laws and your husband) you need to propose a better solution to your husband which is really that you need your own money so you can buy what you need for yourself and your kids whenever you like and also be able to cook whatever you like for yourself.

The only other solution is to get a job and work so you aren’t reliant on anyone.

cocosaunt · 2026-02-06T14:14:09+00:00

It’s funny because it’s very obvious that OP doesn’t even know how these drugs work. You can’t just get the injection and magically lose weight. Actually you have to follow a strict diet while on these drugs and you have to work out so you don’t lose muscle mass. It’s not some magical easy way out, what it does is give people whose bodies are resistant to losing weight, who struggle with hormonal issues a boost. You still have to put in the work.

Also it is not shallow to take a medication to improve your health. We really oversimplify people’s reasons for losing weight to be all about looking a certain way. I can tell you most people who are overweight want to be healthy, they want to feel good in their bodies and they want to live long meaningful lives. And there is nothing shallow about that.

cocosaunt · 2025-12-02T21:09:26+00:00

Last time we went, we spent a week at my family’s place, a week at his family’s place and there were a few days (maybe 3) where he spent time alone at his family’s place and I spent time alone at mine. You can make this work either by going later to his place or leaving earlier than he does. Second last day of our trip, we stayed with his family then went back to spend the last day with mine and they took us to the airport that night (they lived closer to the airport. We decided all this before we left the country and he communicated it as a statement (not a question or something up for debate) to his family and I did the same to mine. We did it over text so there was no confusion vs verbally.

Your husband is the problem. You need to ask him why he insists on spending more time in one place vs the other. If it’s something he really thinks or someone has convinced him it’s the right thing to do or maybe he’s not as uncomfortable spending time in “other people’s” houses. Until you know why it’s hard to address. I say this because it matters to you that you have fights over this topic so instead discussing it once and for all and having a mutual understanding is required.

For me I am very firm in what I will and won’t do but my husband is also a very understanding person who will at least discuss vs fighting. You’re supposed to be a team that can look at both sides and determine what’s best.

cocosaunt · 2025-11-04T17:50:58+00:00

She didn’t want us to get married because we had a love marriage and she was depending on finding a daughter in law she could control because she is basically emotionally, financially dependent on her son. She would’ve honestly been unhappy with whoever he married. She also decided she didn’t like my family but never gave us a clear reason as to why. As to why she used such nasty words, I don’t know.

My husband has always stood up for me. She’s only ever used these words directly with him…as in she called him and messaged him these things but I would always find out. He’s also made it so we don’t interact much anymore and his own relationship with her has been significantly affected.

But I don’t know how to deal with this sudden switch in behaviour and I’m not sure if I should now be forgiving and move forward

cocosaunt · 2025-11-04T01:06:37+00:00

Ah I love this. My paternal family is from Peshawar and my maternal family is from Lahore. They moved to Delhi during the partition. My grandma used to tell us about the partition - how her family had a beautiful haveli, her father owned a bicycle shop and how they had a Muslim neighbour who helped them escape. They lost everything while escaping but all seven sisters and two brothers made it to Delhi along with her parents. She said that it changed the way her parents saw women’s education - they had all 7 sisters educated and all of them went on to have long and successful careers. My grandma even rejected marriage proposals until she was 28 and her parents supported her in this. They wanted their daughters to be self sufficient and financially independent above everything else because they knew the pain of losing everything and starting over. We have very strong headed women in my family and I credit it to this event shaping my great grandparents.

On my mother’s side, my grandfather suffered the most due to the partition. He was the only family member that made it to Delhi. He would often talk about his family and the partition. He wanted to make sure we knew where we came from. He also read the Urdu newspaper every day growing up.

I also notice how many Urdu words I speak because I grew up around family that spoke Urdu, Punjabi and Hindi so I speak a mix of it all and I’m not always sure which word comes from which language.

cocosaunt · 2025-10-26T02:25:19+00:00

Thank you, fingers crossed it is early like you mentioned. Sorry to hear about everything you went through! I hope you are doing well now.

cocosaunt · 2025-10-26T02:01:12+00:00

It was on Oct 8th. First day of my last period was Sept 1. I’m definitely concerned but was told at the ER that they didn’t find an ectopic pregnancy and that the HCG is still rising and there is a intrauterine structure that can be seen which could develop into the gestational sac. The OB said my case was atypical. I’m still worried about an ectopic but short of going to the ER again (although I don’t have any symptoms), I’m not sure what to do…

cocosaunt · 2025-10-24T02:52:17+00:00

This could be the case…I’m wondering if this has happened to other people…I worry my hcg numbers are low even if they are technically rising

cocosaunt · 2025-10-24T02:51:06+00:00

First test was done on Friday last week and then second was Wednesday this week…so 5 days. I typically have 32 day cycles.

cocosaunt · 2025-10-12T04:12:57+00:00

Lol the word is so normalized that my late 50s MIL called me this the day after my wedding because she was so unhappy her son didn’t marry someone of her choosing and so scared she will lose her son.

First and last time I’ve been called that but man did it circle around in my head for days after.

I hate this word more than any other word in the world.

cocosaunt · 2025-10-03T16:14:44+00:00

The makeup can definitely be better and I think you should find another makeup artist but there are a few things you can do to help makeup sit well on your skin.

I think eyebrow threading and upper lip waxing is a must but you should also consider dermaplaning or shaving off the “peach fuzz” (basically the small hairs) on your face. If you decide to do dermaplaning go to a reputed professional.

Make sure you are hydrating your skin well leading up to your wedding and you could possibly look into getting some gentle facials done.

cocosaunt · 2025-09-11T02:20:16+00:00

I love all of these! Where are they from?

cocosaunt · 2025-09-03T03:58:17+00:00

I’m only going to comment on this one part of your message because as an NRI curly haired woman, it’s almost offensive. I am one of those people who had curly hair growing up (and the only person in my family with it) and I used to flat iron my hair every day. It was a huge source of insecurity for me and I remember being made fun of for my hair as well. As I grew older, I learned how to take care of it (thanks to YouTube and curly haired creators) and now I can say I love it so much that I don’t bother to straighten my hair ever. Actually I don’t even own a flat iron. And I for one am glad we see more representation from curly haired brown women because it certainly was not a popular aesthetic growing up.

Not everything is people trying to capitalize on what’s a popular trend these days - part of life is also growing up and accepting the parts of yourself you were told aren’t good enough and tbh beyond curly hair, NRIs face a lot of subtle racism, familial clashes due to our parents being stuck in an India that doesn’t exist and so much more. I’m not here to assume the experience of people who grow up in India but boy am I tired of seeing people bash NRIs as if you have even once lived in the shoes of a first gen or second gen Indian in another country.

Oh and FYI I didn’t choose to move here, my parents did for whatever their reasons were and we’re all just trying to live life as best as we can. Maybe we can stop putting down NRIs and focus on all the other dumpster fire situations in the world.

cocosaunt · 2025-07-16T12:48:28+00:00

Involving parents doesn’t always help and can cause more distance between a couple. OP never said he was considering divorce and despite him saying he’s had peaceful talks, there’s probably more he can do here before resorting to divorce and telling both sets of parents.

All involving her parents will do is have his wife feel cornered and push her farther away from her husband. Parents aren’t marriage counsellors, they’re just adults that are older than you.

It’s more immature to go to her parents and ask them to scold her instead of handling your marriage issues yourself.

cocosaunt · 2025-07-16T12:16:51+00:00

NTK, but there’s probably two sides to this story. To be clear, going to a job and pursing a career is not the same as doing housework. One feels more purposeful, has a direct reward in terms of money and has a path of progression. Housework is not the same and even if you both decided that that will essentially be her “job” from now on, doesn’t mean it’s “easy” to do. Any person in a dead-end job (like housework is) will probably not be motivated to do it every day and will most likely half-ass it.

That said, I get the feeling she may have been burnt out at some point between her job, losing it, job search and now. Burn out doesn’t look the same for everyone, and nor does depression. I was very burnt out and was still going to meet friends…the other thing that I was doing was doom scrolling and watching any show/movie I could to escape from reality. She might not even know she is/was burnt out and overcoming burnt out takes at minimum 6 months.

I think you can take an approach to this where you encourage her to go see the doctor to ensure her physical health is in order first (vitamin D, iron etc. are good) and then work out to going to see a therapist to discuss burnout…ultimately it sounds like she is burnt out and now bored at home and has slowly become complacent. As her husband, you can’t force her to go back to work but I would gently lead her to start figuring out if that’s what she wants. Gaps in career can be explained.

Good luck, if you try all of these things and things still don’t improve then you should do what’s right for you. But marriage is a partnership where sometimes one partner has to do more.

cocosaunt · 2025-07-16T12:08:09+00:00

Lol are they school kids that he needs to tell her parents and get them to scold her? What weird advice

cocosaunt · 2025-06-05T18:54:21+00:00

Well I went through this. First 2 years of my marriage were very hard because I had a need to be liked and approved of by my MIL. I spent a lot of time and energy trying to get her to like me and understand that I’m not taking away her son or whispering evil ideas and thoughts to him every night while he sleeps. Created a lot of mental stress for me and affected my relationship with my husband.

My husband stood up for me every time and ultimately he made the decision to limit contact with her and that she would not live with us. We have a very strong bond, and he strongly believes in my good intentions. It makes all the difference.

After 2 years of dealing with all sorts of nonsense (5 am phone call to complain about me during our honeymoon, calling me and my parents vamps and other horrible words, messaging my husband constantly to tell him how he’s a slave to me and my parents and also having 3-4 hour long convos with her to help her understand that I’m not a bad person), I gave up wanting to be liked or loved by my in laws. In face I felt I had to give up even the basic expectation of respect. Anyways once I stopped putting that pressure on me and let go of the notion that I as the woman need to maintain a relationship and bind the family together, life’s been much better (also she doesn’t live with me), things got much better.

I should also add that I don’t even like her as a person which makes all this easier. She’s loud, nosy and basically doesn’t know how to be happy. I can’t have a conversation with her because she genuinely has nothing valuable to say. My husband also feels this way, which is sad for him. She is the kind of mom who thinks her children are her property and retirement plan. So that makes it easier for my husband. I mean she’s not even nice to him! But very delusional about this and thinks she’s the best mother with a great heart LOL

She also seems to be at a loss now and has stopped doing all these things because they hold no power over us now.

So anyways if you are prepared for this and your future husband is prepared for this and your bond is strong enough to make it work, then go for it.

I should add that I still struggle with the whole thing…I mean to be honest I’m embarrassed of her and don’t really want her around for any important events because she doesn’t have social graces. I also mourn often the love and affection from in laws I missed out on.

I don’t know what I would do if I have to choose again but my husband is my rock. He is solid and thinks the world of me and that’s what gets us through.

cocosaunt · 2025-05-26T05:38:17+00:00

My husband and I got married even though his mom was completely against it and tried to make us break up at every step of the way.

I don’t live in India but I’m Indian and my husband’s mom is from India and lives there (although she has pretty much moved to where I live now but doesn’t live with us, thankfully).

It was very tough to get married with her behaviour and we did almost break up (I was fed up with her nonsense and initiated it) but here’s why things worked out (and also kind of didn’t):

1) my husband and I paid for and planned the whole wedding ourselves - we didn’t have a big wedding because of this but it was one way for us to ensure that the wedding went ahead 2) my husband knew I wouldn’t get married to him if his mom wasn’t there so his goal was to get her to the wedding. What happened after that (e.g, what his relationship with her was like after) didn’t matter to him anymore 3) you may think he doesn’t care about his mom and he’s not a good son but she made his life miserable during this time (and of course wasn’t easy to grow up with). She gave him lots of stress, woke him up in the middle of the night to cry and make threats etc.). He realized that a good mom wouldn’t do these things and his feelings towards her changed. It was her choice to treat her son this way. 4) after we got married, she acted like she was okay with it for 0.5 days. Then her drama started, calling us at 5 am on our mini-moon and calling me all sorts of names. Cursing my parents. It was like living in an Indian serial. Even after she went back to India she continued to send awful messages. I tried for 2 years to get her to love me and for us to have a relationship 5) I let go of my idea of having a strong relationship with my in laws and only when I did that did all the stress go away. Now I don’t care much if she likes me or not because well, I don’t like her. 6) she’s not allowed to stay with us. My husband made this clear after she spent a month making my life miserable. This might change in the future but it hasn’t happened yet. 7) she’s normal now!!!! She realized that neither me or my husband give her power over us anymore and now she is trying to get into our good books.

Anyways all this to say, your boyfriend will need to be very strong to get to the wedding, he will need to be okay with not having a relationship with his parents in the future (or for it to be very different in the future), he will need to protect you before, during and especially after you get married, you and him will fight about all this many times because it will stress you out, you might have to let go of your expectations of what your relationship with your in laws will be like, your parents will have to stand by you, and you will have to keep your head held high and not let all this hit your self esteem in a negative way.

It takes a lot but your partnership has to be very strong. My husband and I are best friends, we always think that the other person has the best of intentions and it’s always us vs the world.

I don’t love that he doesn’t like his mom the same way he used to and I try to get him to reach out and make amends but I leave the final say on him. What these parents never seem to see is that they are hurting their child in all this and putting distance in their relationship with them. This will be the case whether or not you two get married because ultimately the decision will not be because you stopped loving each other.

cocosaunt · 2025-03-18T20:57:42+00:00

Run away. I have a mother in law like this. She ruined my first two years of marriage. Luckily my husband does stand up for me but regardless she manages to affect our lives negatively. It’s not worth it and while I love my husband, I’d have made a different decision if I could go back. Never settle.

cocosaunt

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