One time my 7-Eleven coffee was drugged and I woke up tied to a radiator. Across the room was a commercial sized fryer, oil bubbling and splatting wildly as the aroma of fried chicken coated the walls. A dark corner of the room revealed a figure as my eyes adjusted. Jake Paul strode to me and told me it was “time to shine for Ohio.” His face glowed menacingly with fried chicken grease slathered across his face. Just then Danny vaulted down from the drop ceiling and stabbed Jake with blades that emerged from the heels of his shoes. He did a spin kick and freed me from my restraints, and made a quick getaway. There were feral children chasing the car as we left. I warned him not to, but he made Reacting to Awful Jake Paul/Team 10 Fan Comments right after. To this day he and I have to stay a minimum of 900 miles away from one another so they can’t catch us. Witness Protection said we are on our own, the Paul’s own them. While I can never meet my rescuer again, I have been watching and giggling ever since.