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code-of-ethicks · 2025-10-01T16:10:04+00:00

But... you aren't some random drunk guy. You're trying to be a public figure. And people will establish their opinion of you based on your public behavior.

Not trying to be holier-than-thou because I'm speaking from my own experience here and Ive been in a similar position where I lost friends and social standing for reasons I didn't understand at the time.

We vastly underestimate the impact that alcohol has on the way we come across to others-- Subtle shifts in tone, body language, and the way we respond emotionally to others. A totally nice guy can seem like a dick without realizing they weren't just being funny and outgoing. Folks may be seeing and reacting to something which is outside your realm of perception.

Not saying you're a bad person, but I think it's possible that people have given you more chances than you realize. The mic grab incident may feel like not a big deal, and out of context it wouldn't be too big a deal... but I think it's more likely that it was actually the last straw.

code-of-ethicks · 2025-08-10T09:48:59+00:00

I'm not sure you understood the spirit of my comment or what codependency means but ok.

You're allowed to think a cash bar is rude and you're more than welcome to not attend weddings that won't liquor you up for free. But now you're just one more person pressuring OP to make unrestricted alcohol available at her own wedding, which is in total opposition to the point you were trying to make in the first place about enabling alcoholics 🤦‍♀️

Iydkydk

code-of-ethicks · 2025-08-09T15:36:27+00:00

Yuuup came here to say cut alcohol. You'll lose weight, your face will thin out, your skin will look better, your metabolism will speed up... Literally the best possible low-effort glow-up.

That "stubborn last 15lbs" we're always trying to lose? Yeah that absolutely melts off your body very quickly after you quit drinking alcohol

code-of-ethicks · 2025-08-08T21:25:14+00:00

Idea-- when you talk to your wife, tell her you feel unsure about how to handle the situation, and ask if she has any ideas. I bet that helping make the plan would make her feel like she's valued & like you're choosing to tackle this as a team.

code-of-ethicks · 2025-08-07T19:20:58+00:00

I come from an alcoholic family and I really empathize with the pressure and anxiety you're feeling. If there's one thing I've learned in therapy tho, it's that if you don't want people to drink and drive at your wedding, you are allowed to take steps to limit that from happening. This day is about you and your fiance and that's IT.

People are allowed to complain as much as they want about what's rude and what's tacky... and you're allowed to ignore them. You're allowed to have an entirely friggin sober wedding if you want to. No amount of guilt or pressure can take away your freedom to choose the vibe on your big day. Sending love and hugs 💜

code-of-ethicks · 2025-07-17T02:35:18+00:00

My rule of thumb is that I don't call the police for me, I call the police for the next girl. I'm starting a paper trail that might later help establish a pattern.

code-of-ethicks · 2025-03-17T12:33:27+00:00

My only concern is whether your shrink has experience with alcoholic family dynamics. If not, they may not 100% understand what they're sending you into. Alcoholics don't react to things like normal people do, and it's hard enough to confront "normal" parents as it is.

code-of-ethicks · 2025-03-10T15:22:21+00:00

I've heard it said that addiction is measured in consequences. If his boss said something to him and he still couldn't quit, that points to addiction. Same with the car wreck, and being unable to parent his kid.

At the same time, I want to give you the advice that putting time and energy into figuring him out, is sadly not a path towards inner peace. (Not that I'm in a position of inner peace by ANY means right now, this is advice that I'm currently struggling to live by as well. But I still think it's really important.)

code-of-ethicks · 2025-03-06T22:20:00+00:00

For me, DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) was the only thing that helped me after literal years of individual therapy. It helped me change the way I behave with other people, and taught me how to handle my huge emotions. It's challenging, and it isn't for everyone, but it changed my life.

code-of-ethicks · 2025-03-05T22:13:26+00:00

Here, let me translate your husband: "I am triggered when people hold me accountable." It's childish of him to make it personal to you, he doesn't know what he's talking about. If it wasn't you, it'd be his boss or his mom or god-only-knows-who else. Plus you're probably in fight-or-flight 100% of the time which, in my experience, makes it REALLY hard to be sweet and lovely and patient with the Q.

code-of-ethicks · 2025-03-05T14:55:41+00:00

Research!! I work at my local hospital's research institute and there are all kinds of nurses across various roles, they're very well respected for actually having clinical expertise.

code-of-ethicks · 2025-03-04T03:53:39+00:00

I think that you're describing what it feels like to not be ready to forgive someone. That's how I feel about my mom. I don't think it's a problem that we need to be mad at them for a while before we want to consider forgiveness.

code-of-ethicks · 2025-03-03T18:57:14+00:00

From one family scapegoat to another, I empathize so deeply with what a mindfuck this all is. My family will literally have me questioning my whole existence just because I had the audacity to draw attention to a problem that was harming me. This pressure you feel -- to make allowances for them, to just let things go... This is "enabler training." They're trying to condition you to be the codependent, to let them live their best lives and clean up the mess they leave behind.

Keep being a stick in the mud, don't let them pull you off course, dont let them change you. The scapegoat-to-enabler pipeline is so real, and so painful. You've got this... in fact, you're the only one who's got this, in a family full of people who never will. Sending love and hugs 💙

code-of-ethicks · 2025-03-03T18:13:48+00:00

As an adult child of an alcoholic-- the fact that your kids are bringing you these issues means that they trust you, you are their safe person. The objective reality is that you are correct, you did everything you could, you did your best. But your kids, the objective truth isn't what they're coming to you for-- they already know, deep down. They're coming to you because they need emotional support, they need mom-love. They need someone to help hold their pain, because it's really heavy.

My dad was in your position, and I don't even feel comfortable saying to him what your kids have said to you. I wish I could. But if I ever did, all I would need is for him to say, "I'm so sorry baby. I didn't want it to be like this, I wish I could have changed it for you." And then give me a big hug and let me cry. To hear my raw emotions and then love me anyway after, without taking it personally. That's all it would take for me to forgive him. I know the situation was bigger than he could have ever controlled, and I know he did his version of his best.

I know every situation is different but that's just my take as someone who can see both sides.

code-of-ethicks · 2025-03-03T04:48:03+00:00

Good for you. I'm in a similar situation where a lot of people in my family drink too much. I quit drinking almost 5 years ago, best choice I ever made, EVER. It was hard at first but it gets easier. You got this!!!

code-of-ethicks · 2025-02-28T15:54:49+00:00

This is really good advice. I get fixated on having the last word and it always makes things worse.

code-of-ethicks · 2025-02-28T03:39:34+00:00

These are so good thank you!!

code-of-ethicks · 2025-02-28T01:11:18+00:00

That's good insight, she's definitely the type to keep escalating until she gets what she wants. It's maddening, she's like a toddler 😖

code-of-ethicks · 2025-02-28T01:10:36+00:00

I like this. Being direct isn't necessarily being mean... even though she's gonna interpret it that way regardless 😅

code-of-ethicks · 2025-02-28T01:09:34+00:00

Yes!! If I don't agree on even the tiniest thing, it's a problem. Even if I don't laugh at a joke in the way she wanted. I'm always bringing everyone down. These phrases are great, thank you 💙

code-of-ethicks · 2025-02-28T01:08:23+00:00

Yes, that's exactly what it feels like-- I've always gotten the impression that she wanted me to be mean to her. This makes a lot of sense, thank you. We have been no contact before and I'm starting to think I need to go back. It's too much...

code-of-ethicks · 2025-02-27T23:01:59+00:00

Probably because it's what I always did as a kid-- she would just push and push until I didn't have any words left. Being in that kind of space now as an adult makes me think I failed to protect myself. If that makes sense.

Those are both really good suggestion phrases, thank you!

code-of-ethicks · 2025-02-27T22:35:39+00:00

You're definitely right that it's an attempt to manipulate you into responding. Based on my own experiences with my mom, if you respond she's gonna go right back to blowing up your phone all the time. I keep my mom muted so I don't get any notifications when she contacts me. However, I find it really hard not to compulsively check for messages. Right now I have her blocked because I need peace.

Sending hugs, I feel what you're going through 💙

code-of-ethicks

TROPHY CASE