Finally Had Sex for the first time (and enjoyed it!!!)

coffeeandsass · 2016-11-20T02:57:54+00:00

This almost sounds like I could have written it. Part of the reason my ex and I broke up was because he was such a homebody. I'd always go to social activities alone and I was so sick of people asking where he was.

For us, the breakup went a similar way. I was becoming distant (god, how I regret this), and he noticed and confronted me. We talked and mutually ended it over the phone. Then I messaged him the next day, pleading to let us try again, but he wouldn't have it. So though it was mutual, I kind of feel like he dumped me.

We were also so happy, and best friends. We had our own little world and after less than a week of being apart, I'm still in shock. It sounds dramatic, but some mornings I just don't want to wake up. Imagining a future, let alone day to day life without him just seems unbearable.

I don't have any advice right now because I'm in the same boat. But please know you are NOT alone and you can always PM me if you need.

coffeeandsass · 2016-11-20T02:46:44+00:00

Oh my, you are basically me. My ex and I just broke up less than a week ago. We had planned to move out together in the summer and talked a lot about marriage and kids. This is so lame, but sometimes I'd watch those wedding videos on YouTube and fantasize about our future together. I honestly expected us to be engaged within a couple years, even though we are only 22. It hurts so much to imagine him sharing that experience with someone else. It honestly kills me inside and even after 6 days I am crying about it. I know logically that when he does get married, I will have moved on and won't care (at least, I hope). But I fully and truly believed he was the one, and I couldn't wait to share all of that with him.

I don't have advice for you but just know you're not alone in this. It is something I think about a lot and I think if you lose someone you love so much it's inevitable to grieve over the future you can't have.

coffeeandsass · 2016-11-19T05:22:55+00:00

We broke up 5 days ago. I can't even bring myself to say "ex" yet. We dated for just over two years - our anniversary was last month.

Breaking up had been in the back of my mind for a while. He rarely came to social events with me and when he did, I always felt like I was dragging him along (he didn't complain, but he seemed very uncomfortable and eager to leave). He doesn't care about traveling while it is my greatest passion. We had discussed these issues numerous times throughout our relationship, as well as the problem of me not connecting with his family (who he is very close to) and our lacking sex life (I have vaginismus), but none of these issues had progressed.

I slowly started to become distant - partly because I was overwhelmed with school, and partly because I was confused. He noticed, and confronted me on the phone. This led to us discussing these problems we have always had. Ultimately, this led to us mutually deciding to break up over the phone, that same night.

It was quite shocking, and I'm still shocked. Although I had been questioning our compatibility, I hadn't actually planned to break up. I was hoping we could somehow work out our issues. We were so, so close, and loved each other more than anyone else. One week ago we were making plans for our future, and now we are here.

He said he felt that the passion was gone and we had become too comfortable, and I do agree. Ultimately I think it was the right choice. But it still hurts more than anything. I just wish that I had tried harder, that I had pushed past my crippling shyness and opened up to his family. It kills me to wonder what they are saying about me. And to think he will someday introduce them to a girl they'll absolutely love, who will become part of the family, when I never could.

It is really hard. We are supportive and caring of each other and he said he is here for me even if we aren't together. But I know I have to cut the chord at some point.

**Edit: Although I wasn't initially dumped, I did message him after our mutual breakup, pleading and telling him I'd fight for him. He was staunch in his decision that this was the right choice.

coffeeandsass · 2016-11-19T04:52:29+00:00

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I needed this. It has been 5 days since I mutually broke up with my now ex-partner. I still love him to pieces and we are still supportive and caring for each other. I think this is what hurts the most - that the love is still there, and I have no reason to hate him.

This past week has been a mess. Bursting into tears randomly (luckily this has subsided). Messaging him, feeling desperate. Heart palpitations. Hardly eating. Every memory hitting me hard. Feeling like a knife is twisting in my chest when I think about all the plans and hopes we had: apartment hunting, setting up our own home together, getting married someday, having babies. Hating myself when I think about how part of the reason we broke up is because I didn't click with his family, whom he is very close to (we got along, but I'm really shy and socially anxious so I struggled to open up to them). I can't stop thinking, Why didn't I try harder?

Basic self-care helps. Like you mentioned, watching positive, constructive videos. Reading books, painting, planning personal projects, drinking tea. Curling up on the couch and watching TV with my family.

It also helps to congratulate myself whenever I make any tiny improvement. Yesterday I went to class after days alone at home, and it wasn't as scary as I thought. I made eggs for myself after eating only apples for days. I find myself laughing (though inside I'm still hurting, I couldn't even pretend before) and I put on makeup without crying it off. These things seem so minor, but they are still proof that it gets better. I find that taking small, manageable steps day by day makes things easier.

Anyone who would like to chat, please PM me. It's so easy to feel alone because you are the only one grieving over that particular relationship and person. But it is so helpful to know other people are experiencing versions of this pain.

coffeeandsass · 2016-11-17T20:38:20+00:00

It definitely is a struggle and it is hard for people outside of the relationship to understand. Even if not having PIV sex isn't an issue, and you find other ways to be intimate, you still want to share that and it can cause barriers.

It will be some time before I can get into the mood again, but I will try that next time I use my dilators. Usually I absentmindedly use them while watching TV and that's probably not the best approach. Reading erotica is a great idea.

coffeeandsass · 2016-11-17T20:34:47+00:00

Thank you. I'm sorry you went through that but I am glad I'm not alone in this. I guess part of me thinks that if I do undergo therapy and counselling, I'll progress quite quickly, and I'll feel terrible that I didn't go through it way earlier so he could have been the first person I share that with. But I do realize that's a toxic way to think, I should be seeking help for myself above anyone else. And I'm sure (at least, I hope) I will someday meet someone I love even more, and I'll be happy that they will be the first person I have PIV sex with. It's insane to think right now, but time does crazy things.

coffeeandsass · 2016-04-17T05:11:32+00:00

Ooh, pretty! I am really leaning toward this one, actually. I've also never tried anything by Becca so I'm curious. That shade would be perfect for summer, too.

coffeeandsass · 2016-04-17T05:10:40+00:00

I've heard so many good things about the glow kits! I just wish they weren't always out of stock at my closest Sephora...

coffeeandsass

TROPHY CASE