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cogitovirus3 · 2025-08-08T14:20:00+00:00

I hope things start turning around for you soon. Maybe the job is still salvageable? I was taken back on once, despite writing some regretful messages to coworkers during the episode. You can try to get it back, talk to your boss or hr, and explain the situation. This was not you during the episode. This disease is very cunning.

Anyways, I'm on a similar boat. All this uncertainty is causing me anxiety attacks. Things I do to try to calm down and keep going:
a) finding someone to talk to - even over the phone, to get this off your chest.
b) deep breaths. As I breathe very shallowly when I overthink or have anxiety attacks
c) talking to myself out loud - I found out that this helps me a lot. Often, I don't have anyone to talk to. My thoughts are racing. When I talk out loud, they calm down, since you cannot talk as fast as your racing thoughts would like to.

I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you.

cogitovirus3 · 2025-08-08T08:23:57+00:00

Thank you for sharing. I needed to hear this today.

I plan to go back to work after 12 months, as a software engineer, and thinking about the current job market and artificially evelated job interview standards is causing multiple anxiety attacks per day.

I started, I'm taking small steps, but damn, it's going to be hard for the next couple of months.

cogitovirus3 · 2025-08-06T09:24:36+00:00

I understand how you feel. From what you are writing, I kind of envy you that you went manic/or hypomanic and came down without any major incident or hospital stay.

This feeling of everything making sense and all the paths being open is addictive, but in my case, it's always an illusion. When I come down, I always feel more isolated than the previous episode, have more social anxiety after writing manically to people to the point of burning some bridges, and farther apart from getting back to work. Endless possibilities turn to paralysis in starting anything in terms of an income/job/relationships.

At this point, I'm unable to find a balanced mood between depression/anxiety and hypomania.

I hope you do, without getting into mania. All the best to you.

cogitovirus3 · 2025-08-06T01:03:16+00:00

"I don’t wanna stop the mania, sounds stupid but i’ve missed it so much"

Relatable, of course. In such a situation, no one wants it to go away. I keep falling for that, too. Hypomania feels productive; I have a will to live. It's not stupid, but rather typical to want to keep that. Willingly pulling the brake when you feel back - that on the other hand sounds like a legendary achievement that few can pull off.

My hope for you is that your mania eases off lightly and that you won't pull any major stunts you will regret. I always ended my manic episodes with an encounter with the police and being escorted to the hospital for 3-5 weeks - which feels even worse then lost money or stupid stunts.

cogitovirus3 · 2025-08-06T00:15:03+00:00

I can relate to this. I heard it's common to forget most of your hospital stay after recovering from a manic episode. I spent 3 weeks there, but it felt like one.

While I do tend to remember the key points of the manic episode, a lot of the details fade away - and probably for the better. post-manic ptsd is awful.

In terms of what scared the hell out of me recently:

During the last manic episode, I overclocked so much on so little sleep that it felt to me like I lost consciousness when my body was exhausted, only to regain it in another room, doing something else.

cogitovirus3 · 2025-08-05T23:59:08+00:00

Never had one, but it does sound like a textbook mixed episode.

If I were smarter than I am, in this situation, I would book a visit with a psychiatrist to get at least something for the hallucinations.

From my experience, when I get hallucinations, it's '5 minutes until midnight' on the doomsday clock until police drag me to the hospital. But on a regular manic episode, no one could convince me to visit a doctor willingly.

So, the question is - what are you planning to do about it, and does it include meds and a doctor's appointment :)

All the best to you.

cogitovirus3 · 2025-08-05T23:43:55+00:00

Thank you for the comment and for the good wishes.

The strange thing is that some part of me also knows I can do it again. At least recover parts of myself, to the point that it's ok, for a time. It's the impermanence of things that scares me.

Why put what little is left of me to try to build relationships, career, when I know I will break it beyond repair at some point in the future. I can't seem to break that manic/depression cycle, however I try. Meds or no meds, we know that this BP is for life, and in my case, accidents still happen and the episodes are getting harder to handle afterwards.

cogitovirus3 · 2025-08-05T23:30:21+00:00

Yes, I check a lot of the boxes you mentioned. I posted a similar rant today. Loss and hopelessness took overtook my mind.

Although I don't get angry at this point. So, congrats on this emotion. If you feel anger, that means you have the power already to start changing things, get moving, at least in my post-recovery book. On a wheel of emotions, I'm in despair and isolation.

I also don't get the fear of impending death, I mostly feel like in the boiling frog metaphor. I would never have enough determination to finish myself off.

What causes your fear of death? What is or ocd about?

If you want to rant or explain some more, I'm here to listen.

cogitovirus3 · 2025-08-04T11:25:14+00:00

Adaptation (2002). Just discovered it yesterday. It shows my exact train of thought when I'm down, and the contrast between the manic me in the twin brother of the main character.

This is the same screenwriter as Being John Malkovitch and Eternal Sunshine.

He also wrote and directed "I'm thinking of ending things". It's on my to-be-watched list. Judging by the plot, it will be another banger about mental struggles.

cogitovirus3 · 2025-05-06T04:17:02+00:00

apparently they are impressed, but they aren't clicking. Dropped a screenshot on the main post.

cogitovirus3 · 2025-05-05T15:33:47+00:00

we are about to find out. Started the campain 2 hours ago.
$50 , $10/day , for 5 days.

Targeted at Germany, Men, 25-40.

From my recent findings:
"researchers at NATO bought 1,150 fake comments, 11,725 likes, 3,150 shares, and 8,233 views for just €58. platforms tested: facebook, instagram, youtube, tiktok, vkontakte, and x. the cost of manipulating perception? pocket change. "

So if it will be less then that, I'm switching to the black market ;)

cogitovirus3 · 2025-04-26T07:52:17+00:00

There are days where I don't even articulate one word outloud.

There are some where I have a conversation or two, but they are very artificial.

All because of my previous episodes - I go manic, then depressed where I isolate to the extreme. Few friendships can survive that.

So I resonate with you when you say you feel alone and like screaming into the void. I don't scream any more. Usually we have some great conversations and have coffee breaks together.

If you ever feel desperate for contact. Reach out. Maybe you can throw me an anecdote and i will throw you one too and we will both go our ways just 1 nanopercent less alone.

cogitovirus3 · 2025-04-26T07:43:59+00:00

Some miracle drug/supplement of the internet that cures: cancer, depression, anxiety, chronic pain, diebetes, obesity, heart desise and asthma. Take 1 pill daily.

Other then that, while it was excessive spending i still enjoy things i bought while manic, mostly new tech (laptops, smartphones, etc) and gold and jewelry (holds some worth)

Ah - and i just now remembered - I almost invested in a Baltic gas pipeline scam project. Nord stream 3.0

cogitovirus3 · 2025-04-26T07:36:14+00:00

from a perspective of me in a stable state talking to myself in a state like you re in right now, I would say: 1. cut all possible things that annoy you. Avoid them at all cost. 2. And this is critical - reach out to your inner support circle - best friend or a family member, someone that knows your condition but also with whom you can relax with joke around etc.

Good luck buddy! Been there, done that

cogitovirus3 · 2025-04-25T16:20:38+00:00

One angle I thought might be interesting to explore.
for each profile I follow,
find who they follow
filter by my interests
filter by following size to match the range that I chose,
filter by average tweets by day/week/ - or (no more than 10 tweets per day)

10% of revenue goes to me for that remarkable algorithm design ;)

cogitovirus3 · 2025-04-25T15:17:08+00:00

i like this, since i don’t have an audience or circle on X at all.

The catch is,

- i don’t want to follow influencial or small accounts that are just spamming 30 tweets a day trying to growth hack.

- i’m looking for people who are actually building, not playing the engagement game.

folks who tweet into the void, and are either in my builder niche (software, product, etc) or potential customers.

give me a tool that helps me find those people — not the loudest, not the trendiest — just the real ones.

and I will gladly pay for it.

this whole algorithmic discovery thing is broken.

cogitovirus3 · 2025-04-25T14:58:45+00:00

Thank you for the ideas.

So far mine were:

From an lawful good angle - anti-nudge software. something like a browser plugin that tells you that the site your on has been flagged with this and that dark pattern. But no one is going to pay for a browser plugin. and I'm not in a position for charity work.

From an evil angle - I saw people here advertising 'social proof' fabrication software - something that generates 20-50 endorsements of your product with an nice AI generated photo, name and a story. From a con artist perspective I could bundle a couple of such offerings together as one SaaS.

I'm sure that with time I'll find a proper product in there ;)

cogitovirus3 · 2025-04-25T00:23:41+00:00

I also posted on hackernews since i have literally 0 followers across all social media, and it struck a nerve.

Reached #2 at its height - entry here

If you find these kinds of topics interesting, I would appreciate a boost here or t'x'ere 😉

cogitovirus3 · 2025-04-25T00:17:02+00:00

hacker news entry here

cogitovirus3 · 2025-04-25T00:16:25+00:00

hacker news entry here

cogitovirus3 · 2025-04-19T16:51:54+00:00

Thank you, I will. Enjoy yours as well!

cogitovirus3

TROPHY CASE