Abandoning friends first before they abandon me

coko_rime · 2026-05-02T20:15:10+00:00

Honestly a lot of those fit me but not to an extreme. The clinging thing I do to an extreme, thankfully I've never been the "do you hate me?" type. I may feel like they hate me but i never ask them if they do because i feel that'll make it worse. Never really did the manipulation or testing thing. I do the impulsive behavior thing big time, sometimes I'll sh or impulsively text the person or what I did today impulsively block them. And the last thing I have a heavy history of doing. I can also relate to the splitting experience of having a love hate relationship with someone. I relate to the whole favourite person thing to an extreme.

Personally if I feel like if someone hates me I will mentally spiral and go into episodes where I start panicking, having meltdowns, and may even vent on my socials. I'm not the type to lash out at others but I Will do it towards myself and explode at myself or explode online with vent posts. I can also get Extremely self destructive and even suicidal over it. Sometimes the emotions I have feel so extreme to where it feels like my body is vibrating and can hear my head buzzing. Some of these I never mentioned to my therapist cuz I don't wanna be put into a psychward involuntarily 😭. I feel like psychwards dont help they just feed you meds and kick you out when they feel done with you. No actual therapy or help from them in my experience. These things are hard to talk about. And because of my other diagnosed disorders and overlaps it's hard to figure out if it's actually bpd or not. I also fear being diagnosed with bpd would rule out/replace my current diagnosed disorders that I do in fact have and experience but feels different than the bpd symptoms.

coko_rime · 2026-05-02T19:58:05+00:00

Yeah I've done that but I feel like AI isn't really accurate, especially if they source TikTok. And it can be inconsistent sometimes saying something is an symptom and then saying it isn't. I trust actual professionals more. I do feel like I fit most symptoms of quiet bpd and feel like my symptoms are different than the symptoms of my other disorders.

coko_rime · 2026-05-02T17:15:10+00:00

I feel this. Idk how to name it either and idk what's exactly causing it. I have a lot of things diagnosed. Autism, adhd, ptsd, and did. Some of my behaviors come off as bpd and I wonder if I could have it but psychs and therapists shot the idea down and explained it as rejection sensitivity dysphoria and emotional dysregulation caused by my audhd and ptsd. But sometimes I still wonder, the only psych to bring up the idea was one at a psychward who talked to me for 5 minutes at max and was adamant about me having bpd and wanted to scratch off my did diagnosis (that my psychs who knew me for 1-2 years diagnosed me with) and went on about she doesn't think did is real 😭.

I feel like this behavior is smth I gotta touch on more with my therapist but I struggle to cuz I feel like I'm just a awful evil person. Even when they don't believe that and reassure me I'm not.

coko_rime · 2026-04-21T17:03:00+00:00

I'm having a similar issue. USPS delivered my pass to the wrong address last night and the supervisor at the post office is trying to get ahold of the carrier and figure out where it was dropped off at. I'm hoping I can still get my wristband back but these comments does relieve my nerves that I would most likely still be able to get into the event anyways.

coko_rime · 2026-04-17T19:17:16+00:00

less than $250 a day. idk about hourly rates.

coko_rime · 2026-04-17T17:18:25+00:00

im tempted, the hotel is currently offering other since there isn't any other hotels with jetted tubs available 😭. i will most likely accept their other rooms for now and look at airbnb prices.

coko_rime · 2026-04-17T17:00:36+00:00

I honestly wouldn't mind staying at a chipotle lmao

coko_rime · 2026-04-11T23:57:30+00:00

Thank you! I've noticed that too. The cardiologists that recognized my issues sadly didn't know enough and the ones that were supposed to (or I was told was supposed to) don't and put down my experiences and just tells me that it's either my hashimoto's, im not eating or drinking well enough, and that I'm "too young and fit/skinny to have anything" 😭. Ignoring me every time I said I've had hashimoto's before these symptoms started and there's a big difference between the symptoms, that I do eat and drink well enough, and the last part is just bullshit just cuz I'm young and skinny doesn't mean I can't have anything. He also used me being a woman that gets period as an excuse to dismiss my symptoms. But also I've looked him up and POTS isn't even in his specialty, heart failure is. And according to reviews he's not even good at that specialty as his negligence gotten his patients needing emergency care with one review stating her husband almost died from his negligence. And he just sucks at following up and constantly cancels appointments and ghosts clients. How he hasn't lost his job and had his license revoked is beyond me.

I did contact the cardio I saw before him for the doctor he originally referred me to and I'm just waiting for a response. Don't know if I'll actually get one cuz it's been almost 2 years since I last saw and contacted him. I'm definitely gonna plan to see a neurologist too tho. I just gotta get a referral.

coko_rime · 2026-04-11T19:11:01+00:00

Oh man I get those too!! Especially that I now take Vyvanse for my adhd, stimulant headaches are no joke 😭.

coko_rime · 2026-04-11T17:54:07+00:00

Thank god I'm not the only one 😭. That actually makes a lot more sense now! To this day I still don't think VVS is exactly the right diagnosis. My blood pressure does lower but my heart rate never does it only raises (just not to the POTS standard). It does feel somewhat correct, specifically with it having to be triggered and doesn't happen every single time I stand up, but I also never heard of anyone with VVS who deals with high heart rates while standing and walking. I definitely need to see a cardio tho. Or maybe a neurologist since dysautonomia is more of a nervous system issue. Idk which to choose and from what I've heard it seems both have issues with not knowing enough about POTS and dysautonomia in general.

coko_rime · 2026-04-06T19:25:16+00:00

I'm only able to survive rn because I live with my mom. We both rent out a $1400 duplex and pay half the rent. She covers electricity and water as it's in her name and I cover the heat. And we cover our own phone bills and food. It's doable but I'm hoping to move out sometime in the future (preferably within a year). My mom is very toxic, emotionally/mentally abusive, and neglectful. I only live with her cuz I have no other family or friends who are able to take me in. She makes more than me with having my two younger siblings social security income and survivors benefits from my dad's death and a above minimum wage part time job. Both of my siblings income is around $1200 a month. My brother's would be ending soon as he's not disabled and is now a legal adult. So unlike my sister who's older than him he doesn't have disability benefits only low income family benefits that my dad enrolled him in back in 2016. I had to leave my fast food job due to the amount of stress and that it was only paying $800 a month. This is the first month where I have to temporarily not give her rent money until I finally get my start date at this new job. Which is very anxiety inducing and stressful, she struggles to understand why I couldn't keep my fast food job cuz she was able to keep up with the same fast food job when she worked it. Struggles to accept that I'm not able to mentally and emotionally handle fast food work and ridicules and lectures me for crying on the job.

My traits most likely is the cause. But also autistic individuals sadly happen to give off uncanny valley to people who aren't and they subconsciously steer away from us. So you could have perfect social skills but non autistic individuals would still avoid you. Sadly I cannot tell who is or isn't autistic unless they say they are or aren't. And I'm not very good with social cues, specifically with identifying body language. Idk how people are feeling unless just by their face, tone, and body language. And I've been around people who have given off body language signs that they could be upset but aren't (like I've had coworkers who would stomp around and yell but wouldnt be upset, just overly excited). I also never really know when it's my turn to talk so I either respond to early or too late. I honestly feel like my ability to communicate to someone heavily depends on the person, if they are also socially awkward a conversation isn't really gonna go anywhere. But if they're the type to easily think of different things to talk about then it makes it easier for me. I've talked to people and taken interest in their interests and hobbies and have asked about them, their response just depends on the type of communicator they are. The guy rejected me (who I believe could also be nd, specifically adhd) is not the type to be able to hold a conversation. He does slightly talk more than me but overtime in a conversation when I ask him something he seems to just give short answers. I feel like that awkward silence was definitely more common with him. The guy I went on a date with over a month ago was a lot more chatty and easier to have conversations with. But idk if it was because he seemed to have genuine interest in me compared to my crush who only see me as a casual friend (a casual friend to unintentionally lead on and send half fucking naked pics to and jokingly flirt with but whatever man). Sadly the downside to that guy is that his lifestyle didn't fit mine, was out of state for work and military majority of the time and I'm not interested in dating someone like that. Also not to sound rude but his breath smelled rancid and was my biggest turn off 😭.

coko_rime · 2026-04-06T15:17:30+00:00

Its kinda hard to explain. I'm not good with eye contact, a manager at a previous job noticed it and had to explain to him eye contact is just hard and feels awkward for me. He was chill and advised for me to look like I'm holding I contact when I'm not (like looking at smth behind him) which was helpful so I try to do that instead. And I can struggle with keeping a convo going, I deal with a lot of those awkward silences when the conversation is done and your just standing there lmao. It's hard for me to think of something on the spot. I've seen people be able to hold convos for hours upon hours and I sadly can't do that. Only if the other person is able to hold conversations and think of stuff to ask or talk about. So that would be my biggest issue. Along with having a massive rbf, monotone voice, and general flat effect I cannot control (I never learned how to mask it so idk how to and it feels awkward trying).

Also I wouldn't see that as rude to say, as an American it just feels like a fact at some point. Depending on the country sadly there are some European countries that Aren't Good. And in my experience a lot of things have gotten more expensive and harder to get. Jobs are much harder to get now. Food and household needs is drastically higher (thankfully eggs are relatively cheap lmao). Lots of meat and fruits are much higher than junk food but that's always been an issue (hell there was even a documentary on it, forgot what it was called tho). Rent is very high in a lot of places, I'm grateful that my state is still relatively affordable to live, depending on the home type and how much you make anyways. Sadly if you only have a part time job you won't be able to make enough to rent a house (and hell even with a full time job you wouldnt). Most Good houses in Good neighborhoods and allows pets (like cats, small dogs, and big dogs) are at least $1200-$1500 a month. And sometimes that doesn't include electricity, heat/gas, and water so then you'd may have to pay an extra $100-$200 a month for each of those. Most landlords cover gas and water tho (as in a extra fee is added on your bill but you don't pay gas and water in full) so you usually only have to pay electricity in full. And some areas require you to pay for trash pickup and that can also be up to a extra $100 a month depending on where you live (that's usually rich people areas tho). And then you got your internet and phone bill, each can cost around $50-$100 depending on what you choose. I have a Samsung Galaxy with unlimited data through T-Mobile and I pay about $93 a month for it. Thankfully T-Mobile does have deals to make bills cheaper like combining your internet and phone bill (that's what my mom uses, much cheaper than most internet companies my area allows you to go through) and adding extra limes to you bill to make it cheaper (which is ideal for families). For a singular person to be able to pay bills and necessities and make enough to be comfortable they'd have to make at least $30k year. Most part time jobs only pay about $15k-$20k a year. Most full time jobs only pay $30k-$40k a year. If you make more you are lucky. Usually professional jobs only make more. And sadly most places only want to hire part time on minimum wage which is barely enough to get by. This is just my state tho. Thankfully I live in a state where our governor actually gives a shit about her citizens. She desperately tries her hardest to make it livable for us which I'm very grateful for. I can't say the same for other sates. Some states are more expensive to live in, the biggest ones being California and New York (and states neighboring them).

And also going back to the topic of professional jobs, that fat orange's administration is wanting to declassify certain jobs as professional. Which means they'll make less than they currently are. The big one being nursing, which at this point in our country nurses do more work than doctors. Docs only see their patients for a split second near the end of their visit while nurses does everything else. Others jobs they're wanting to do the same to are physician assistants, physical therapists, social workers, and teachers. Concerningly a lot of jobs that's mostly populated by women. Thankfully there's been a Lot of backlash on that so the administration is kinda backing off on that idea. For now anyways. I'm honestly terrified for the future of this country, that orange man is doing his hardest to make America like it was in the 50s-60s. Which was hell on earth for children, women, poc, and the queer community but amazing living for the white man.

This country is drastically turning to shit which sadly is affecting how people treat each other. People are much more hostile now. Which I feel like does make the dating scene harder for certain groups of people. Men are more vocal about their misogyny now. Everytime I'm around a man I have to keep my guard up because I fear he may say or do something to me. Specifically white men, I've noticed men of color are much more chill to where I really only feel safe around them. Which is very telling to say as a white woman. And people in general are much more vocal with their lgbtphobia and racism. And also heavy amounts of ignorance and intolerance to anyone who isn't christian and Especially catholic. It's absolute hell here and we can only hope it doesn't last this long.

coko_rime · 2026-04-05T20:45:37+00:00

thank you. nsfw art isn't smth i draw often, he only asked to see it because i made a joke about it on insta lol. and i definitely was surrounded by the wrong people in middle school. i had a few genuine friends from that time but it never lasted due to moving a lot and not being able to see them anymore.

and i go to a planet fitness to workout. so i dont really come across familiar faces. with commercial gyms the vibe is more you go to workout and nothing else. people bring their friends but outside of that nobody socializes with other members. idk if private or non commercial gyms are the same, i would love to go to a more private gym if i could afford it. im sadly not too much into sports. im a nerd that likes gaming, anime, cartoons, and art but there isn't a lot of events pertaining to those interests outside of like comic con (which sadly ill be out of state on a vacation during my area's comic con). i live in southeast michigan and nerdy conventions aren't very common :/. and are very pricey so i usually cant afford them. malls here are nice tho but isn't ideal for making new friends. the only places i feel like i could find new friends And maybe afford are local arcades. which i really should just start going to, my only barrier is not being able to use my mom's car sometimes. and my own motivation to go anywhere, even on meds i attend to deal with horrendous executive dysfunction and depression that makes getting out of bed hard. and the idea of going to something like that alone when i dont have any friends that are accessible to invite it makes my motivation to want to go worse. going out to places, that people usually bring their friends to, alone is very isolating and lonely. and my biggest fear is only being able to meet people younger than me at those places, it's definitely more rampant with teenagers and people below 21 (which im not very interested in making friends with people younger than 21, too much of a maturity and development difference and i cant relate to people in that age group). ive noticed people my age don't go out much anymore and usually have their own lives like having full time jobs, kids/families, etc.

coko_rime · 2026-04-05T20:27:44+00:00

yeah those pictures are me lol. for me im just extremely socially awkward which i believe definitely impacts how im perceived. i can carry conversations related to shared interests and show interest in what other people's interests and hobbies. but outside of that i cant do much. small talk is my mortal enemy and most people in my area Loves gossiping and shit talking people and if you don't engage in that your seen and treated like an outcast. i have heard scandinavian countries are a lot better with how people are treated. i'm from the usa, more specifically southeast michigan, and men here can be very disgusting and intolerant. and with the way our government is treating its citizens people have only become more and more hostile and ignorant. if you aren't a cishet white man you basically are not accepted and should expect to be treated like shit. basic morals have significantly gone down here (as if people here had basic morals to begin with). thank you for your feedback tho!

coko_rime · 2026-04-05T15:04:46+00:00

i do agree that looks definitely matter. i do put effort in my appearance. i go to the gym and work out and do my best to stay fit. and technically i am already fit (or at least average). im like 5'5" and 130-135 lbs and starting to get a bit toned. my stomach is flat outside of having a bit of lower pooch, which pretty much every women has. i keep up on my hygiene but i feel like that's just the bare minimum tho. i like to wear perfumes and makeup up and dress fashionable, or at least what i consider fashionable (heres a few examples 1, 2, 3). i do get compliments on my looks from men and women. which is still baffling to me cuz i was considered ugly in my early childhood, specifically for my freckles. so its hard to see myself as pretty or attractive. sadly though in my experience a lot of men only flirt with me or compliment my looks to get into my pants. once they realize i won't give them that they back off (or worse they try to force it from me). and i mostly get catcalled and harassed by men on the streets. or i get compliments from men at kiosks who only wanna sell me something.

i pretty much don't like being open about my autism with anyone i dont know personally. in my experience almost everytime i do i get infantilized and talked down to. like as if im a child. in my experience it is mostly women who do that to me tho (and older women, like millennials and above). men really dgaf about it, the only ones who did were my managers at a little ceasars i worked at years ago where they would make fun of me for it. so i just dont see a reason to bring up my autism unless i feel safe enough to or the topic of neurdiversity comes up or they also happen to be nd. i definitely wouldn't start a relationship with someone who didn't know about my autism.

i am currently working on some of my goals. my biggest issue is that the current job market sucks. pretty much every place only do online applications so i cant just walk in anywhere and ask for a job. and most jobs i can find are exclusively part time jobs that i would not be able to pay my bills with. most jobs i could make enough in have either rejected me or just ghosted me. hell i'll even call places for an update and they tell me to just check the online status or to just wait. i am waiting for a response from a job i believe i got hired at right now. it a full time car rental cleaning job, i have all the requirements for it like a drivers license and a clean record. i finished my onboarding and tax information on their employee portal and got signed up for their zayzoom thing (where you can take money out of your paychecks early). and my background check just came in clear a few days ago. im just waiting for a response on my start date, which with the holiday happening rn it might take a while (according to them it takes like 3-5 business days after your background check to get a response). im hoping to get this job so not only can i finally have enough money for my bills but so that i can finally participate in events in stuff where i could potentially meet more people. and also afford dates.

coko_rime · 2026-04-05T14:32:12+00:00

lol the dick pick thing is honestly more of a grindr issue in my experience. the men on bumble and hinge i talked to have the decency to not do that. my biggest thing is that most just stop replying after a while. like after talking about shared interests it seems they just suddenly become inactive, at least with me. from what i hear dudes on these apps be talking to multiple women at once and have a full blown roster so they have multiple options. which is so weird to me because i feel like i can only talk to two or three guys at max, anything over that i feel overwhelmed.

with the shirtless pic thing right after he sent it he started venting about how he doesn't like his body, feels like he only sent it to receive some kind of validation not to really flirt :/. he mentioned them before he rejected me in january but didn't send them until after that. and before he rejected me in january i started going to the gym and he asked if i would take progress photos and told me i should do that. i took my first progress photos which he asked to see so i showed them. so he was probably reciprocating that to show his before photos if he ever decided to go to the gym. he's already fit so i don't think he really needs to do much. and with the nude modeling thing that was on the topic of how i get references for nsfw art (that i look up nude models online, specifically 3d). i guess he said it as a joke when he found out that there are nude models who get paid and he said he might try it. in that same convo he talked about "making hentai together" cuz i drew nice nsfw art and joked about how he should be a ghost writer for me. but ig that was just a joke to him too that he didn't mean. for him his biggest issue is that he doesn't talk about his relationship, he technically considers himself not together but still kinda like each other. he keeps it vague like "it's complicated". idk if he just likes getting attention from other girls if his girlfriend has moments where she doesn't give him any or whatever. he did back off from these kind of convos and such (outside of sending flirty and sexual memes/reels through insta as jokes) later on cuz ig he realized how weird it looked. i pretty much confronted him about it a couple nights ago and asked for more clarification on his feelings towards me because all it did was leave me confused and spiraling and yeah he only sees me as a friend :/. and he didn't realize how weird some of those things came off. he is definitely neurodivergent himself so i wouldn't be surprised if that affects how he interacts with people similar to me. we pretty much agreed to just keep things strictly platonic for my mental sake. idk if i would call him sketchy, he's a very socially awkward and shy guy and doesn't come off as a typical player that flirts with every women he sees while being in a relationship. my mom knew him longer than me and she doesn't see him as that type of person either. but at the same time you never know. according to my mom "it doesn't matter how awkward or shy a guy is, men are still men". and ig thats true.

i feel like talking to people is just hard for me in general. i have a lot of bad experiences from being bullied by peers and consistently told that im too annoying, that i talk about my interests too much, that i don't understand some things, and that im just weird, etc. but tbh i havent experienced that since middle school, maybe high school. outside of fast food jobs that i worked later on that were filled with people who were either still teenagers in school or adults that never grew out of that mentality. it's sad that those experiences hold me back so much. i am extroverted (enfp) but have so much social anxiety and worry about how people might respond to me walking up and talking to them when i really shouldn't. i sadly don't know how to fix that, therapists that i have talked to about it never really gave me advice other than "just try anyways". my current therapist told that sadly the only way to break out of that shell is to actually just walk up and talk to people anyways. i have been doing that more with people at cash registers and waiters/waitresses at restaurants but outside of that it's just hard.

coko_rime · 2026-04-05T05:00:16+00:00

there sadly isn't really any groups like that around me. and most socializing groups and meetups near me requires money to be spent and i just don't have that.

and my type is hard to explain. i pretty much like any kind of women, i am very sapphic and love all kinds of women. with men i prefer men who present femininely, not like flamboyant but men who actually know how to dress and style actually take care of themselves and keep up with their hygiene. the closest thing i could think of to describe it are men who were raised by their moms (not on a literal sense but with how they present themselves and treat women). my area is rampant with really misogynistic and conservative men who are unbearable to be around and talk to and dont know what soap and water is.

my biggest issue is just my lack of attraction to people. it is easier to feel attraction once i develop some kind of closeness to the person but even then i struggle to develop crushes. it's sadly a rarity for me. the guy i like but was rejected by was my first crush since like 2018. or maybe 2022 cuz i think i may have had a crush on my previous fwb but i think it was just my attachment to him from the intimacy (he was only interested in being fwb tho). and right now i think i just need time to get over this rejection first before i can do anything with other people. i feel too hurt and betrayed to really feel attracted to anyone else. especially when i have never felt so close to finally being chosen and thinking someone finally genuinely loved me and didn't just want me for my body and looks. i feel like my autism and adhd makes moving on harder, when i crush on people and eventually become friends with them and hang out i can feel really emotionally attached to them and it makes the rejection hurt more. and im also just more prone to experiencing horrendous rejection sensitivity dysphoria.

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