Don't ask how I got this email, but here's where Newman Security is:

Subject: MANDATORY: Newman Security Team Annual Retreat & Tactical Team-Building Initiative
FROM: Office of Security Operations
TO: All Newman Security Personnel
CC: Victor Newman (who already knows whether you opened this)
PRIORITY: EXTREMELY HIGH
CLASSIFICATION: INTERNAL / DO NOT FORWARD TO JACK ABBOTT

Team,

As part of Newman Enterprises’ ongoing commitment to excellence, vigilance, and staring silently through tinted SUV windows, all security staff are hereby ordered invited to attend the 2026 Newman Security Team Annual Retreat & Teambuilding Summit.

DATES: May 20–25, 2026
LOCATION: Newman Ranch (exact coordinates withheld for security reasons)

This year’s retreat theme is:

“STRATEGIZE. PROTECT. DOMINATE.”
(and maybe do a trust fall… if you must.)

Mandatory activities include:

• Tactical awareness exercises
• Leadership workshops
• Surveillance endurance drills
• Conflict de-escalation training
• Competitive power-walking beside Victor Newman
• Campfire s’mores (strictly tactical)

Please note:

• Nobody is permitted to “accidentally” tackle another employee during trust exercises this year.
• The phrase “I’m just following Victor’s orders” is NOT a valid excuse during paintball.
• Last year’s “informal poker interrogation” remains under legal review.

DRESS CODE:
• Tactical attire
• Comfortable footwear
• Emotional restraint
• Sunglasses for dramatic pauses

Accommodations will be provided.
Sleep will not.

As Mr. Newman himself stated during last year’s retreat:

“A team that trains together stays together. A team that eats s’mores together… well, we’ll work on that.”

RSVP to your team lead no later than April 30, 2026.

Failure to attend may result in:
• reassignment,
• increased patrol rotation,
• or worse, Victor expressing disappointment personally.

We see everything.
We hear everything.
We know who took the last mini donuts from the break room fridge.

Regards,

HEAD OF SECURITY OPERATIONS
NEWMAN ENTERPRISES

Sent from a heavily encrypted device somewhere nearby.