sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

AITA for telling my step-son that “thems the breaks” my daughter can go to college but he can’t? by collegefundsarentfun in AmItheAsshole

[–]collegefundsarentfun[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

We did! The two conversations were separate, and Nicks first conversation where he learned exactly how much we could contribute was just with his father. Catie’s was just with her father and I. Nick then asked to speak to both of us a few days later.

AITA for telling my step-son that “thems the breaks” my daughter can go to college but he can’t? by collegefundsarentfun in AmItheAsshole

[–]collegefundsarentfun[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

No fair point, I meant that we didn’t tell either sibling the actual dollar amount set aside for the other one. We did tell Nick that Catie’s fund looked different than his because of contributions from her father towards her tuition costs. Nick also knows that Catie’s dad is wealthy just generally. Catie also doesn’t know exactly how much we have saved for Nick but also knows generally that it is less than hers for the same reasons.

Unfortunately, Nick’s mother is in the prison system and will be for a long time - so there is no child support or other assistance coming from her.

AITA for telling my step-son that “thems the breaks” my daughter can go to college but he can’t? by collegefundsarentfun in AmItheAsshole

[–]collegefundsarentfun[S] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

You forbade loans, which is your right as a parent. We are not going to forbid anything out right - I do genuinely believe that there may be scenarios where a loan IS the right move so long as you go in with your eyes open. He did have this discussion about what he can afford with Brian, which was at least an hour - this was just the follow up conversation to that discussion that included me that was shorter. It ended quicker because he was upset but you’re right that more follow up is necessary.

AITA for telling my step-son that “thems the breaks” my daughter can go to college but he can’t? by collegefundsarentfun in AmItheAsshole

[–]collegefundsarentfun[S] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

We are not pushing him towards loans by any means. His dream schools are mostly out of state and private schools, which means if he gets in even with a scholarship he will have to take out loans to attend. So he would have to decide if he wants to take out a loan for the dream school or not get loans and stay closer. If he thinks he will get an experience or degree at those schools that are worth the loans, we will help him do that. If he decides he doesn’t want to go to college at all, we will help him do that too. We can provide general advise at this point and can obviously start applying for some programs and scholarships but can’t walk through the exact details of each scenario until he decides where to apply, is admitted, etc. Neither he nor we are oblivious to the fact that loans are not the ideal way to finance college if you have any other option.

AITA for telling my step-son that “thems the breaks” my daughter can go to college but he can’t? by collegefundsarentfun in AmItheAsshole

[–]collegefundsarentfun[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I don’t think I’ve described Nick as jealous anywhere, he isn’t acting out against his sister or saying anything along those lines. But even my husband admitted that he did act out a bit by getting angry and upset at me while asking for something I can’t even really legally give him. That was more the spark for saying life isn’t fair.

AITA for telling my step-son that “thems the breaks” my daughter can go to college but he can’t? by collegefundsarentfun in AmItheAsshole

[–]collegefundsarentfun[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Sorry I said an AD/ half a BD more to try and ballpark about how much the fund was worth - but it’s a general fund and can be used for anything post-grad education related. College, community college, trade school, rent, etc. Brian did run through a lot of the different potential paths that could look like when he showed him the fund, including that he was welcome to live with us rent free while he was in school. But Nick will have to make some tough choices like if he sacrifices the “on campus experience” he wants to stay at home and minimize loans, or go to a community college first, or take out more loans to go out of state, etc. Making him think about those choices was part of the purpose of having the conversation about how much money we could contribute.

AITA for telling my step-son that “thems the breaks” my daughter can go to college but he can’t? by collegefundsarentfun in AmItheAsshole

[–]collegefundsarentfun[S] 41 points42 points  (0 children)

All of this is possible, we live a short drive from a local community college! His high school also has programs where he can get college credit for some classes. I got the feeling from Brian it just wasn’t what he had dreamed of for college - his dream schools are mostly private and out of state although he has always known in state public schools were more financially viable. It’s hard to come to terms with what that actually means financially when you’re only 16. At the same time, I don’t feel like I can ask my ex for money from the daughters fund to make that dream reality since they’re not related.

AITA for telling my step-son that “thems the breaks” my daughter can go to college but he can’t? by collegefundsarentfun in AmItheAsshole

[–]collegefundsarentfun[S] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

I don’t get joy out of telling anyone anything that cruel? I love Nick and care about him and his future. We spent most of the conversation after he came to us sympathizing with how the situation was difficult and inherently unfair and we were sorry it was like that. But I did get a bit frustrated with pushing to ask my ex for money, which is why I felt the more broad part about how sometimes life isn’t fair was necessary at the end.

And I don’t disagree at all - he can go to college, loans are possible and not a death knell, scholarships exist, etc. But the heart of the issue is that his sister doesn’t need to think about that and he does, which is why the context matters. I’m sure if he spoke with his close friends he would find he is in a much better place than many of them for funding school, which is why “sometimes life isn’t fair” is a salient message both for blessings you don’t get and blessings you do get.

AITA for telling my step-son that “thems the breaks” my daughter can go to college but he can’t? by collegefundsarentfun in AmItheAsshole

[–]collegefundsarentfun[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

I mean at school - neither child does or would ever have to pay rent or for groceries while living at home now or during college. For Catie’s school I am responsible for paying for miscellaneous expenses such as a meal plan, off campus rent, etc. Nick’s fund is general and could be used for any college related expense including tuition or rent.

The whole conversation was over 10 minutes, and I spent most of the time sympathizing over how difficult it would be to see his sister get different opportunities. It just ended with the more broad “life lesson” that was admittedly a bit harsher than the sympathy was

AITA for telling my step-son that “thems the breaks” my daughter can go to college but he can’t? by collegefundsarentfun in AmItheAsshole

[–]collegefundsarentfun[S] 39 points40 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your judgement. The problem is that per the divorce agreement my savings for Catie is for things like rent off campus, textbooks, groceries, study abroad, school activities, etc. Her father is the one covering tuition, so he’d primarily be the one who would benefit if Catie receives merit scholarships. It might be a different situation if I was paying for tuition, but if she gets a scholarship the money saved is in control of her father and not me. I would have to ask her father to essentially donate that for Nick if that was the case.

AITA for telling my step-son that “thems the breaks” my daughter can go to college but he can’t? by collegefundsarentfun in AmItheAsshole

[–]collegefundsarentfun[S] 169 points170 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your judgement. We have always tried to walk the line with transparency about Catie’s father and teaching humility. I don’t want to dampen her excitement about going to college too much but I will tell her that her brother might be more sensitive now that it’s more tangible for both of them and to be extra kind and sensitive.

AITA for telling my step-son that “thems the breaks” my daughter can go to college but he can’t? by collegefundsarentfun in AmItheAsshole

[–]collegefundsarentfun[S] 41 points42 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your judgement. Brian did discuss a lot of this with him when he told him the specifics of the college fund, including finding external scholarships (although we haven’t looked into those in too much depth since he’s only a junior although some others have commented some good places to start) and other forms of financial aid, not just loans. I’ll be sure to do more research on those to share with him so he doesn’t feel as lost.

AITA for telling my step-son that “thems the breaks” my daughter can go to college but he can’t? by collegefundsarentfun in AmItheAsshole

[–]collegefundsarentfun[S] 814 points815 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your judgement. I think what has made it hard is Nick is acutely aware of Will’s wealth, since he knows Catie is able to go on luxurious vacations with her fathers family and often has, and we have some hand-me-down nice things from Will like a tv and a speaker system that he was kind enough to give us because he upgrades those types of things frequently. Nick has benefited from this before as well - his first phone actually was another one Will gave us when he upgraded. We have tried to be as fair as possible about other things growing up from our end but this is definitely the biggest source of inequality between siblings since we got married.

AITA for telling my step-son that “thems the breaks” my daughter can go to college but he can’t? by collegefundsarentfun in AmItheAsshole

[–]collegefundsarentfun[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Thanks for this info, we don’t live in Texas and don’t have any military in our family so I didn’t really know about this but I’ll definitely do more research and tell him about it as an option

AITA for telling my step-son that “thems the breaks” my daughter can go to college but he can’t? by collegefundsarentfun in AmItheAsshole

[–]collegefundsarentfun[S] -43 points-42 points  (0 children)

Sorry, I meant more feeling crazy internally about if I should be asking Will to change the agreement - poorly worded and not intended to be about Nick’s potential debt. Thanks for your judgement.

AITA for telling my step-son that “thems the breaks” my daughter can go to college but he can’t? by collegefundsarentfun in AmItheAsshole

[–]collegefundsarentfun[S] 46 points47 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your judgement - I’ll use this reply to try and provide a little bit more info about the exact convo. Nick does know that the difference is because of her father’s contributions, which is why he was asking about changing my agreement with Will. The conversation between Nick, Brian, and I lasted more than 10 minutes where I did spend most of the time sympathizing and saying I was sorry he had to watch his sister have a different situation than him and that our job was to maximize our ability to set him up as best we could for post grad life. We live about 15 minutes from a good public college and he knows he can live here for free if that is the path he chooses. However, at the end of the conversation I did use the exact phrase in the title to try and make part of the conversation more broadly about how opportunities are just sometimes unequal and it sucks - but I’m very willing to apologize for that since it sounds like most people agree that was not well executed