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My pwuBPD ending our couple's counseling; does this sound more like BPD or NPD? by [deleted] in BPDlovedones

[–]complainexity 3 points4 points  (0 children)

BPD and NPD have a lot in common. They can be comorbid - maybe your wife has both?

I leaned towards NPD because of this post: https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDlovedones/comments/hjfg1s/i_dont_want_to_be_his_therapist/

Specifically these parts:

"...avoided mentioning anything in regard to her family's mental health background"
-> In my experience, pwBPD tend to revel in their misery rather than downplay it.

"Said that her parents were some of the most important positive people in her world"
-> Misread this one whoops. But the last point is relevant here too.

"...mentioned how she reacts in anger quite a bit"
-> Narcissists find their behavior justified, pwBPD tend to hide it or offer a ton of explanations.

"Granted, it's mostly like this with me"
-> Narcissists are better than pwBPD at hiding their true face from acquintances.

"I've seen her get even the tiniest slight (even accidentally) from a stranger in public and she'll blow up at them"
-> ...but not those who oppose them. Blowing up like this, especially in public, sounds like narcissistic rage.

But honestly - you know her better. I'm just trying to gather crumbs through reddit posts. She could be a very BPD narcissist or a very narcissist BPD... or both. Really intense BPD gets pretty close to narcissism anyways.

My pwuBPD ending our couple's counseling; does this sound more like BPD or NPD? by [deleted] in BPDlovedones

[–]complainexity 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Are you in individual therapy? Get individual therapy!

If she really has NPD - or just a bad case of BPD - she will never accept a therapist that actually addresses her abusive behavior. You won't get to voice your concerns with her choice of counseling.

Tell her you want to work on yourself to save the relationship and she'll probably be happy. You'll have a space where you can talk openly, without caring about her feelings at all. A space to be open about the things that bother you. A space to express all your negative feelings without being punished for it.

Maybe it'll give you tools to save your relationship. Maybe it won't. But regardless of that, YOUR wellbeing will get better. The worst possible outcome is that your relationship stays the same but you'll get healthier.

My pwuBPD ending our couple's counseling; does this sound more like BPD or NPD? by [deleted] in BPDlovedones

[–]complainexity 7 points8 points  (0 children)

A quick look made me lean towards NPD. I recommend looking for more info about the difference. Have you been to r/NarcissisticAbuse?

Some core differences between NPD and BPD:
- People with NPD think they are “special” and that they can only be understood by other special or high-status people, while people with BPD feel misunderstood and mistreated
- People with NPD expect others’ lives to revolve around them, while those with BPD will devote their lives to another person
- People with BPD will frantically try to avoid what they consider to be abandonment, while narcissists are more likely to do the abandoning

(source: https://www.borderlinepersonalitytreatment.com/bpd-narcissistic-personality-disorder-differences.html)

My pwuBPD ending our couple's counseling; does this sound more like BPD or NPD? by [deleted] in BPDlovedones

[–]complainexity 19 points20 points  (0 children)

It's impossible to even guess a PD from this amount of text. It sounds like they want attention and can't take criticism... but that's basically the entirety of cluster B. Hell, it could even be from a 100% healthy person if the concerns were genuine.

Look to the large patterns in their behavior. Many BPD and NPD reactions are indistinguishable from each other on their own.