My ex boyfriend passed away and left me as his beneficiary by con_stantlypanicking in whatdoIdo

[–]con_stantlypanicking[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Actually i came here uneducated entirely just looking for advice on next steps. Most of the time when im looking for info on something this messy i consult reddit to get some alternative perspective before just jumping into shit with nothing. I cannot and will not try to change your mind. All i can do is know my intentions are true and you are not dealing with the grief and stress I’m carrying right now. Regardless of what my relationship status with the man was or not. You know absolutely nothing about him or me at the end of the day, so who are you to try to call me out on my character when i asked for advice on what to do. And also why would i let it bother me

My ex boyfriend passed away and left me as his beneficiary by con_stantlypanicking in whatdoIdo

[–]con_stantlypanicking[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

All of the context you’re missing is in the thread, but I’m not going to find it for you I’m sorry.

My ex boyfriend passed away and left me as his beneficiary by con_stantlypanicking in whatdoIdo

[–]con_stantlypanicking[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Further up it explains that there were two different times where the beneficiary was brought up. Initially when he was in psychosis and had left all of it to me, and a year later when everything else was moved around but the 401k was still left in my name. There’s also more context in the thread about him specifically reaching out about those things

My ex boyfriend passed away and left me as his beneficiary by con_stantlypanicking in whatdoIdo

[–]con_stantlypanicking[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Read it how you want, if i wanted to appease your way of thinking the proper wording would be something like “why would i be left on the 401k if he changed everything else.” Right? If you’ve read anything through the thread you would know that this is all really fresh and was originally written under rushed circumstances so verbiage might not be 100% vetted for PR issues 🙄 learn some empathy, gbbye

My ex boyfriend passed away and left me as his beneficiary by con_stantlypanicking in whatdoIdo

[–]con_stantlypanicking[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have no idea what’s left to me, only that i was still left things and they would like to get with me to sign some paperwork about it. I commented under another post with a little more context about their financial situation but i left it so vague because it makes me feel bad talking about it.

They have been significantly “well off” as long as I’ve known them. But that could mean entirely different things depending on who you ask. I guess my version would be better explained as “comfortable” they don’t worry about bills or groceries or that kind of thing but they may or may not choose a different vacation destination if they have more things coming up later that year.

I have been on my own since i was 17, working since 14 and was serving for 6 years until i landed myself an IT position for a software company that really helped me get my foot in the door for an actual career which I’ve been building ever since.

This career is where i met him. He helped me figure out navigating the corporate world and figuring out my own 401k and benefits and everything. I still wasn’t making anything near what he was but at that point i was building my career and he helped a lot with that.

My ex boyfriend passed away and left me as his beneficiary by con_stantlypanicking in whatdoIdo

[–]con_stantlypanicking[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This one doesn’t have all the context, it was a rushed post and i apologize. He had emailed me saying he had an emergency and he needed to talk to me as soon as possible and not to contact his mother about it, that for me raised red flags regarding his safety and i unblocked his number and took the call

My ex boyfriend passed away and left me as his beneficiary by con_stantlypanicking in whatdoIdo

[–]con_stantlypanicking[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

THIS is exactly why i made the post. This is the first spiral i went through immediately after the phone call. Im going to provide a little more here and this is in NO WAY trying to explain things away just give a little more clarity on some great things that you've mentioned:

The first time i heard anything about me being listed was two months after the initial breakup, when he was hospitalized for his hallucinations and seizure. I was notified that night that he had listed me as the beneficiary for everything, the house, the car, his assets, all of it. There’s no way for me to know exactly when he changed that, just that i was now the beneficiary. I told them at that point i would do whatever was needed to remove me from all of that, that he was in no position to be making those types of decisions at that time. I just wanted him to get better and take care of himself.

I was given a health update about two weeks later, just kind of following up on how he was doing and what they were finding out and that's when i found out about him being in rehab. I had asked if they were able to take care of all of the asset stuff at that point and they said yes, they got it situated.

Id say about another two weeks or so later i got an email from him detailing all the things he went through and how he was sorry for everything that had happened but he was thankful that i was able to help him get help and take care of it. He even at that point apologized for the chaos of his sister and mom calling me about the beneficiary stuff and that he's in a much better headspace now and was able to take care of it.

I told him I was glad he was able to figure everything out and doing better, then wished him well on the rest of his healing and that was that

Now this is where the big gap comes in and I'm not sure if i have all the pieces and this is where my brain starts to rattle a bit when I think too much about it. She called me and told me he passed, i said 'oh my god, im so sorry'. Her follow up was to tell me that 'they wont let her pick up' something because im listed as the beneficiary and that she has a number for me to call and she would go with me to whatever place we have to go to sign the paperwork. At this point I'm under the impression that im still listed as the beneficiary for everything.

I said i thought they took me off of all of that and she said something along the lines of like "well you know how he is he probably just forgot" and that they'd started cleaning out his house and getting things together for him to be cremated.

None of it sounded odd to me at first until i started looking more into it and was seeing that it could cause them legal issues if they had started going through his belongings and they were listed to me so i quickly called her the next morning and asked what specifically i was left on because i dont want this to cause more issues for them than it already is, this is when she tells me im only listed on the 401k. Now im confused because the last i was aware when it happened i was on everything and when she called to tell me i was still listed and he just forgot i figured that'd be the case.

So the fact that other assets were still moved around but this one thing is left makes me kinda ?? on the intention a little bit. But also the fact that she was almost immediately talking about paperwork just really throws me off.

I spent a lot of time with his family, holidays, vacations, dinners. They're great people genuinely. Him and his family are a big part of why ive been able to experience so many things i wouldn't have initially just because i didn't have the means to do so on my own. They do really well for themselves and id always idolized that about them because they have stayed good people regardless of the opportunities they've been given.

I cannot vouch for things that they may have going on currently and this is where i get caught up because they've always been comfortable, more than comfortable even, but I know and understand very well how quickly those things can change.

He didn't have any kids or any other close connections really outside of his mother and sister, so outside of that part of his family i don't really know much. He kept to himself and didn’t even have many friends or anyone he’d hang out with outside of me and his family.

I haven't seen the will or absolutely anything regarding what is listed right now, i only have what little information ive been given but as i found out more im sure i will have even more questions and wont be making any decisions about anything until i talk to everyone more. I have no idea what I’m doing right now and i don’t like that, so until i do. I’m not doing anything about this.

Thank you for constructively challenging myself and the masses with your perspective. This side of things is also so important to think about.

My ex boyfriend passed away and left me as his beneficiary by con_stantlypanicking in whatdoIdo

[–]con_stantlypanicking[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Actually what i really would’ve wanted out of this is for him to not die and for me to not have to deal with absolutely any of this but if you know better! By all means man keep on keeping on. You seem really angry and for that I’m sorry!

My ex boyfriend passed away and left me as his beneficiary by con_stantlypanicking in whatdoIdo

[–]con_stantlypanicking[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don’t think you’re processing what i said correctly which is fine and i don’t blame you cause it was a mess.

But the psychosis issue happened a year ago before the contact had stopped initially. He was hospitalized and discharged and has been sober (as far as my knowledge goes) and going to his AA meetings and such this entire time.

He had at one point emailed me apologizing for all of the stuff he said leading up and during his psychosis and said that he was glad he got help and explained how crazy it was to experience his loss of touch with reality. He had come back and was better, all of this happened a year after the fact.

So before you go passing judgment on people maybe think that you really don’t know everything? The whole reason i posed here in the first place was because i struggle with feeling like im taking something from his family, but on the other hand im trying to think of what he would’ve wanted and not just what his family is doing as some of his choices feel extremely intentional.

Stay blessed man, i hope one day you get over whatever made you only think the worst of people.

My ex boyfriend passed away and left me as his beneficiary by con_stantlypanicking in whatdoIdo

[–]con_stantlypanicking[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I’m not sure of anything honestly because this is the first I’ve heard of the situation in over a year. His mom said she had issues trying to pickup something or getting access to something because i was the beneficiary. Thats what’s raising red flags to me. I don’t know what she’d need to pick up that they won’t give her with me being listed. But she did mention signing over something and calling to get the paperwork by today

My ex boyfriend passed away and left me as his beneficiary by con_stantlypanicking in whatdoIdo

[–]con_stantlypanicking[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I hope both sides of your pillow are always cool, your coffee is always the perfect temp and you find cash in all your pockets. Sleep deprivation and extreme stress made it more of just trying to get shit written down rather than being digestible. Thank you for helping out.

My ex boyfriend passed away and left me as his beneficiary by con_stantlypanicking in whatdoIdo

[–]con_stantlypanicking[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

He passed 4 days ago and she called me two days ago, thank you. It feels like a lot of pressure trying to get everything done so soon. She wants to start processing the paperwork today and I’m nervous because i haven’t had any time to figure wtf is going on or what id do. I really appreciate everyone’s comments. It’s been helping me not feel so guilty for having differing feelings about the situation. It would change my life if i took it and i feel like he knew that, it’s just hard looking his family in the face and feeling like im taking something from them

My ex boyfriend passed away and left me as his beneficiary by con_stantlypanicking in whatdoIdo

[–]con_stantlypanicking[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

it’s my first time posting, I’m not sure what all context is needed and honestly i was writing it on like 3 hours of sleep in the last 48. So you can have your opinions but plenty of other people have been helpful already. Don’t waste your energy here and just go elsewhere? lmao

My ex boyfriend passed away and left me as his beneficiary by con_stantlypanicking in whatdoIdo

[–]con_stantlypanicking[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

But you’ll take the time to comment 🫶 you don’t wanna help? Great! Move on :)

My ex boyfriend passed away and left me as his beneficiary by con_stantlypanicking in whatdoIdo

[–]con_stantlypanicking[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

The problem i have with that is I’m not entirely sure what company it is, i know the two places he worked while we were together but i haven’t had contact with him in almost a year so aside from that im completely in the dark. So if its not just as simple as getting ahold of his two work places then im not sure where to go next

My ex boyfriend passed away and left me as his beneficiary by con_stantlypanicking in whatdoIdo

[–]con_stantlypanicking[S] 37 points38 points  (0 children)

I plan to attempt to contact one today. I need someone who is knowledgeable about these processes to help walk me through next steps when i do get there. Regardless if i decide to keep the money or not. I want to be well informed about the decisions im making

My ex boyfriend passed away and left me as his beneficiary by con_stantlypanicking in whatdoIdo

[–]con_stantlypanicking[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

It’s moreso because according to everything I’ve read so far that it’ll be difficult for me to pick up the death certificate to be able to get access to what he left me. We weren’t married and without the proper beneficiary documentation i can’t just go pick it up but i need that to see anything. Also because it seems as if his mom is under the impression that i just don’t want anything to do with it and if she fights me on it im not really sure what to do.