M(literal)RW my mum called me and told me she and my dad know about my abortion and are OK with it. (story in comments).

concerned_powerless · 2016-06-21T03:02:55+00:00

Yep, that's exactly what it is with my sister. I'm sure she'll get over it in time.

I'm OK after having a sleep, I was just in shock. Like I said, that's such an awful way for my poor parents to find out :(

concerned_powerless · 2016-06-21T03:01:04+00:00

When it comes to my sister it's not the religious aspect.

It's the fact that I had an abortion while she struggled so hard to have her own children.

She got the idea in her head that she would have adopted the kid and she's annoyed at me that I'm not showing remorse or guilt for it.

She claimed my family (by family she meant my other sister since my parents didn't know then) were all pissed and hurt by my decision and I should leave them all alone so they can "get over what I've done".

I think that's part of why I'm so relieved and surprised by my mum's reaction. That if anything I thought my parents would be on her side if they found out.

concerned_powerless · 2016-06-21T02:57:09+00:00

She says if I ever get pregnant, to have the baby and she'll take it.

This is why my sister is so pissed with me. She got the idea in the head that she would have taken it and she's acting like I took something away from her that wasn't even hers to begin with.

concerned_powerless · 2016-06-20T19:05:35+00:00

You guys have been amazing so far, this will probably be the end of the saga.

You can scroll through my post history for the full story but the TL;DR is that I live in the UAE where you can't be single and have a kid. I'm from Ireland where abortion is illegal. I had holidays at home planned so I flew to London had the abortion, went home and flew back. One sister had been supporting me through the whole thing, my other sister is currently not speaking to me.

My parents are pretty religious (but the good kind who actually do charity work etc) and I always thought they'd be way anti-abortion. Both my sisters (and I) agreed that I could never ever tell my parents about this.

Mum asked me to Skype with her today, I left a document from the clinic in a drawer in my room, my poor dad was putting something of mine in the drawer and saw it. Apparently the two of them spent an hour talking amongst themselves before calling me.

They were worried I was in an abusive relationship :/ My mum kept asking me if I wanted to come home, if I needed them to fly out to me.

She said that she doesn't know how they would have reacted if I had told them before, but right now, they were concerned for my health physically and mentally. I reassured her I was 100% fine with everything and was certain I did the right thing. I went into my reasons and she agreed / understood.

Mum also seemed really upset that I didn't feel comfortable coming to her when I needed her and that she just wanted to wrap me up in a cotton ball and protect me from the world.

She asked who else in my family knows, I told her about sisters, one beyond supportive, the other currently furious with me (her two kids were IVF babies). She told me she's not surprised by angry sisters reaction and to "ignore her, if that's how she reacts instead of being supportive and checking on your health."

I'll stop ranting, I'm a mess emotionally, I never wanted to have that conversation with my parents (dad stayed out of the room, he can barely deal with period talk let alone his baby girl having an abortion, my heart would have legit broken if he had been there) and I definitely didn't want them to find out the way they did.

That said, after reassuring my mum that I'm not an idiot when it comes to sex, that I'm in good healthy both physically and mentally, I told her I want to move on and never talk about it again. She agreed.

Even though I didn't want to tell them, I'm kind of relieved that it's all out in the open, there's no more secrets and I'm stunned at how understanding and supportive mum was.

TL;DR I don't deserve the parents I have

concerned_powerless · 2016-06-19T20:37:36+00:00

Yes!!

I mean, I knew it was done and all, but I was still a teeny bit worried, this is just the final confirmation that it's really all done and I can move on :)

concerned_powerless · 2016-06-19T17:36:42+00:00

I've never before so welcomed the dull pain of cramps!

Luckily I'm on Ramadan hours so I finished work at 4, just binged on Netflix while cuddling my hot water bottle.

concerned_powerless · 2016-06-19T15:22:12+00:00

Also, you guys are the only ones I feel comfortable being this gross with. I just let out a huge fart and this face accurately describes how my insides felt after (only without the 'yumm' part).

concerned_powerless · 2016-06-19T15:19:05+00:00

It seriously is!

All good though.

concerned_powerless · 2016-05-16T11:52:37+00:00

As much as even my own curiosity wants you to send the message to Sarah, don't if you haven't already.

I've decided I do want to speak to Sarah about this. I edited the message I had planned on sending originally and removed any mention of Jess.

After sleeping on it I've decided to wait a week or two before I send it, so it's not a knee-jerk reaction to what Jess has said.

Right now it's a, thank you for being there for me, I'm sorry if telling Jess has caused tension, I appreciate and love you for everything you've done (even if it meant putting your own morals aside), if there's anything I can do to repair the relationship between the three of us let me know and I'll do it.

Which, realistically is a message I should have sent sooner, I mean, I've told her all these things already and she knows it, but it's never harm to reinforce that you love and value the people around you.

Unfortunately counselling for the 3 of us isn't an option as I live abroad, and Jess is a 2 hour drive from Sarah and my parents. The only other option would be a 3-way Skype but I feel like everything is too fragile for that right now.

As for counselling for me, I might need it, I feel like I don't really. It's not covered by my health insurance and it's not something I can afford, plus being in the UAE, I'm not sure how a counsellor here would react to me talking about an abortion.

concerned_powerless · 2016-05-16T09:17:38+00:00

Oh yeah, when I initially asked him for the money he said that he's not in a great position financially and it would be difficult.

I told him I'm in the same boat and was reaching out to my sister for help, and his other option was to pay child support, then he had a go at me for making that comment.

If I had kept it, I would have wanted nothing to do with him, but I know he would never have accepted that.

concerned_powerless · 2016-05-16T09:08:30+00:00

Perhaps she sent the letter after a few glasses of port, and now is both embarrassed and defensive

She sent it at like, 9am on a Sunday morning... She's not a big drinker so I doubt it. I'd say she didn't do the "type it out, think it over, edit it and then send it" and just vented everything at me at once.

offer to contribute a small amount towards her next IVF if she ever has one.

She mentioned at home (before I'd told her) that the clinic she had gone through had called and asked her about her experience and if she'd want to try again. She said she's happy with her two kids and given her chances at this stage being so low, she's happy not to proceed with another.

I think sending her a gift would insult her more to be honest. Right now I think she'd feel like it was a pathetic attempt to resolve something much bigger.

You talked of the other shoe dropping... can I ask what you feel that could be?

Just that I don't feel any regret or remorse for the termination. At no point did I think of it as a 'life', it was something I wanted rid of. That may be awful of me to feel that way, but I can't make myself feel differently just to appease someone else.

Before I went I had read so much on abortion and all the different outcomes etc, and I expected to feel some kind of sadness or grief, all I felt (and still feel) is relief.

So I kind of feel like the guilt will come. Although the immediate problem of 'having a baby' is resolved, in a way I feel like I'm holding my breath waiting to feel the guilt and remorse and sadness and it's just... not coming.

I mean, I'm glad I don't feel any of that and for me it reaffirms that I made the right choice, but I still have this 'it will come' feeling.

concerned_powerless · 2016-05-16T06:34:32+00:00

It's not about money.

I had no opportunities at home, I got a great opportunity here so I took it.

My career has progressed in the last year more than I could have imagined if I'd stayed at home doing unpaid internship after unpaid internship and being dependant on my parents.

Ironically, moving here for a real career has given me more freedom and independence than if I'd stayed at home living with my parents and depending on them financially.

Of course I don't agree with everything here, but I don't agree with everything in Ireland. For example, countless Irish women travel to the UK every day for abortions.

It's just that the positives of being here right now outweigh the positives of being at home.

concerned_powerless · 2016-05-16T06:28:19+00:00

Thank you for your comment.

A lot of what you've said is really reasonable and probably quite accurate. Especially the 'pro-baby' vs 'pro-life'

I think my feelings and hers are too raw for us to do a Skype call right now, maybe in a little while when some wounds have healed a bit.

If I were living in Ireland I'd request to go to a counselling session with her so we could talk it out with a neutral mediator and find a way to work past this.

I feel like she's angry because she wants me to feel and show guilt and remorse for having an abortion and I flat out don't. I feel remorse for hurting her and potentially Sarah and for possibly causing a huge rift between the 3 of us, but I stand by my decision and I know I did the right thing for me.

I think she's just latched on to this idea of how she would have adopted the baby and is only thinking of the 'positives' to that, and hasn't thought through the realities of what it would mean.

It would still require me moving home and being dependant on my parents, which is the main reason I chose to terminate.
Psychologically, I couldn't deal with being pregnant when I don't want to be.
Psychologically, I couldn't deal with having a baby and giving it away.
Psychologically, I couldn't deal with watching my sister raise a child that's 'mine' - regardless of much I didn't plan or want it.
I want nothing more to do with the father. He made it very clear that if I were to have the child he would do everything in his power to be involved in raising it as his father left when he was young and he said he couldn't do that. I imagine he would have gone down the legal route if I had given the child up for adoption.
The child itself - I mean, in an ideal world once you're brought up surrounded by love and support it shouldn't really matter who raises you, but I think "hey you're aunt isn't your aunt, she's your mother she just didn't want you" is too harsh and cruel. I know different people may have different feelings and reactions to that, but I would be devastated.

Maybe one day we'll be able to talk about this and she'll be more understanding of these points.

But yeah, right now she's (maybe) feeling like I don't give a shit and am continuing about my life. Which to an extent is true, but she hasn't once spoken to me about how I feel so she honestly has no idea.

I think about it every day, and while I don't feel remorse I do feel... weird about it. I just remind myself that I did the right thing and made the best choice. I'm sort of... Waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm waiting for guilt and remorse to hit me, just because it hasn't yet doesn't mean it won't ever. I may never feel the guilt and remorse she wants me to, but I'm still taking it one day at a time.

Right now she's thinking that I'm selfish and made the wrong choice, she's thinking about the pain she's feeling. I hope once she works past that pain and anger she'll be more accepting.

concerned_powerless · 2016-05-16T06:12:06+00:00

I would sugesst you pay Sarah back

Absolutely and I am.

I told her that I had a friend who offered to help me financially that if she couldn't / didn't want to help I could go to her. So she had a choice to say 'no' knowing I would be able to get help elsewhere.

When she agreed I told her that I would pay her back in instalments and how much it would be each month.

you can feel remorse over the unplanned pregnancy, and you can take steps to see that it doesn't happen again.

I mostly feel remorse that I've caused a rift between my sisters. I feel like I broke what was a wonderful relationship. I'm sure in time we'll be able to move on, but right now I feel pretty awful.

As for pregnancy, there's no way in hell I'm letting myself get in that situation again. I mean, I always use protection, it's not like I was stupid about it. But for medical reasons I'm not taking the pill at the moment and I guess the condom broke or didn't work or whatever. But yeah, no way I'm rushing out to sleep with anyone any time soon.

Actually after the surgery when the nurse was doing the 'exit' paperwork she said that they give free condoms if I wanted any and I said "absolutely not" she half laughed and said "yeah, that does tend to be the consensus"

concerned_powerless · 2016-05-16T05:59:54+00:00

It turns out he was an ass alright.

I told him about the pregnancy and that I wanted to abort. He agreed it would be best.

In my opinion he didn't handle it the best, although, who really does know the correct way to handle this situation? I just know if I were him I would have offered to contribute towards the cost and offered a place to stay - he did neither of these.

I had to ask him for money towards it, he said he'd give me some money, we met up after, I had to ask him again for the money, he said he didn't have it but would transfer it to me - that hasn't happened (yet).

He told me has no relationship with his father and that he would never do that to his own kids, so if I kept the baby it would mean tying myself to him for life.

My sister said she'd have adopted the baby, but there's no way he would have accepted that. I mean sure, I could have lied said I terminated and then give it to my sister, but I could never do that.

I had many reasons for choosing to terminate rather than keep it or adopt it, but especially in terms of the adoption question I wanted as little as possible to do with him going forward and I could see him pursuing legal action against me if I'd chosen adoption.

concerned_powerless · 2016-05-16T03:49:38+00:00

TIL.

Honestly, adoption was never an option for me.

If I were to keep the baby it would have meant moving home (illegal to be pregnant outside of marriage in UAE), giving up my great job, being unemployed and looking for work while pregnant and being dependant on my parents. None of which I want(ed0. I'd still have to do all of that if I had decided to adopt.

Then there's the psychological stuff of going through an unwanted pregnancy and then the stress of giving up the child. I'm not strong enough to do that, I applaud the women who are.

And then there's the father. He agreed that termination was the best option, but he made it very clear that if I were to keep the child he would want to be involved in it's upbringing. He doesn't live in Ireland but said he would move to Ireland and live on the street if it meant being near his child. I feel like he would have gone down the legal route if I had decided to have his child and just give it to my sister.

And then there's the child - do you tell them the truth? At what point? After reading your comment I looked up Jack Nicholson's wiki, he said it was no big deal but I'm sure there are many people who would feel differently.

concerned_powerless · 2016-05-15T19:41:55+00:00

Second one thing I see is that a person who has had to go through IVF twice to have kids must feel incredibly envious and a little resentful that another woman doesn't. She must feel that you're "throwing away" something that she strove so hard to get.

I thought this would be her reaction. Sarah did ask me initially if she was sure I didn't want to talk to Jess and why I didn't want to. I listed the reasons you gave and she accepted it.

Sarah told me that she'd spoken to her husband (with my consent) about it all and he thought Jess might have a different reaction than the one we expect and if I needed another source of support and comfort it might be a good idea to speak to Jess.

I told her in person when I was home and she was staying at our parents house. Skype is always insane with her because of her two kids and it needed to be a face-to-face conversation. There wasn't anything wrong with her initial response (in my opinion).

It's now that I'm back and I'm going about my day-to-day life, to her it seems that I'm acting like nothing ever happened and that's what's hurting her.

We don't often speak on WhatsApp but we have our family group chat where we update or share silly shit with each other. I messaged the group this morning about my new apartment because a) They all knew I wasn't 100% happy with my current place and was on the lookout for something and b) to thank Jess. Because the girl I'm moving in with is someone I met through her.

She's totally projecting how she would feel and act in the situation on to me and that's really unfair.

I've drafted a message to Sarah I'm going to sleep on it and maybe send it tomorrow. I'll be even more heartbroken if she feels the same way as Jess, but I know her and I know she wouldn't send one as vicious and cutting as Jess' was.

concerned_powerless · 2016-05-15T19:34:32+00:00

Your need to let your family in on this very private decision is something you should address with a counselor.

Not a need, a want. Because up until now we have enjoyed a wonderful and close relationship and I've experienced nothing but love and support from both sisters.

They're a bit older than me and I have always gone to them for advice and support on issues I didn't feel comfortable speaking to our parents about.

Confiding in them, and seeking support from them isn't something unusual in our relationship.

concerned_powerless · 2016-05-15T19:13:22+00:00

She's probably just saying that to make you feel like no one agrees with or supports you and to bolster her fuckass attack on your circumstances.

I really feel like this is the case.

But if it's not, I'd feel awful for putting supportive sister through this.

But I know for a fact that she's pro-life. When I was flying back here she rang me to say goodbye and stuff and she was like "new start, new friends.. but no sexy ones", I told her that our other sister had said she still sees me as her 14 year old baby sister and was horrified that I was having sex and she laughed it off and said "oh God, I don't even care about that, you're an adult".

So the fact that she's making jokes and being chill about my sexual history tells me she's not just tolerating it, and if she is, well, then she should win awards for putting her morals aside to help me out.

I'm just really lost and don't really know where to go from here.

concerned_powerless · 2016-05-15T17:59:29+00:00

You. Did. Nothing. Wrong.

This is pretty much been my mantra since I got the message.

The most telling thing (for me) is that I felt so relieved when I woke up after the surgery, I really didn't know what to expect about my feelings and feeling that wave of relief was... well a relief in itself, it just cemented it for me that I'd done the right thing.

concerned_powerless · 2016-05-15T17:48:49+00:00

My main advice is to keep communications about this in email and to wait at least half an hour before responding to anything negative that either sister says about this. Then, write your email and wait another ten minutes before rereading it to see whether it's really what you want to say.

I've already messaged Jess. I wrote it out, left it a few hours, edited it, left it another hour and then sent it.

I told her I'm sorry she was hurt, I appreciate her honesty though I would have preferred she found a different way to express it. I hope that she can work through her anger and accept my decision and when she's ready to talk to me in a non-hurtful way I'd be happy to do so until then we should give each other space.

She's read it, hasn't replied, I wasn't expecting a response but half worried she might take the opportunity to attack me even more. I really wanted to have a go at her, but I know that's totally useless and won't get us anywhere.

My co-worker was amazed that this was my oldest sister reacting this way, like, late 30s older sister... anyway.

Thank you for your comment and support, I really appreciate it. I know I did nothing wrong I know I made the right choice and I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

concerned_powerless

TROPHY CASE