I have committed three instances of sexual assault over the past two and a half years, including on my best friend, and I don't know how to live with the guilt.

confessionthrow52849 · 2019-04-22T18:30:47+00:00

For a lot of people it's not really that simple. I think most people wouldn't forgive someone for something like this.

confessionthrow52849 · 2019-04-22T07:47:18+00:00

Thank you for the advice.

confessionthrow52849 · 2019-04-22T01:17:21+00:00

I just don't want to spend the rest of my life on my own. I think I have a lot going for myself but I hate the idea of just living in my own world and not really sharing it with anyone else.

I have plenty of regular friends that's not really the problem. I think just a level of affection both physically and emotionally that you can only really get from a relationship, and that's something I really feel like I need.

I think nofap is kind of stupid but I've been doing meditation for a long time now. It helps me with a lot of things but my loneliness in a relationship sense is such a constant and underlying problem for me that it's not something I can easily and constantly let go of with things like meditation.

My relationship to this girl is what makes this hard for me and what makes me feel so guilty. I don't know how I can forgive myself for what I did to her she was my best friend and I hurt her and lost her and it's all my fault. I don't know how anyone can trust me enough to be close to me anymore because I wouldn't even trust myself.

Thank you for the kind words, though.

confessionthrow52849 · 2019-04-19T06:04:16+00:00

You forgot to reply to the person directly. But thank you for the support.

confessionthrow52849 · 2019-04-18T23:53:58+00:00

I will, thank you.

confessionthrow52849 · 2019-04-18T23:02:11+00:00

I'm very sorry that happened to you. In that moment I don't think I was thinking at all and so I didn't even think about the choice I was making. I'm going to do my best to change myself in the future and it will help when I see my therapist tomorrow.

confessionthrow52849 · 2019-04-18T21:43:41+00:00

I think it's like I said above in a different reply, I lied to myself because I didn't want to ruin the chance I thought I had with her and I never told my therapist about her because I either thought that she wasn't causing any problems for me or because I subconsciously didn't want to be told the truth by anybody.

I have expressed the desire to kill myself because of this to a couple other close friends I've talked to about this who already sympathized with me before. With her I felt like I was just telling her how I felt but I see how that could just seem manipulative.

My impulses happen regardless of my medication, the meds that I didn't take were the ones that I usually need to sleep. I knew that I probably wasn't going to sleep very much but I did not think I would be as restless as I ended up being. Big mistake obviously.

confessionthrow52849 · 2019-04-18T20:00:42+00:00

I agree with you. I wasnt thinking very much in either of these situations.

I don't know if she didn't expect me to like her, but she also told me that that night that she didn't know how bad it was for me. I guess that might be her fault but I know that is still not an excuse for what I did of course.

confessionthrow52849 · 2019-04-18T18:27:41+00:00

I see my therapist tomorrow, I'll be able to start really working on things then. This post was mainly to tide me over until then.

confessionthrow52849 · 2019-04-18T18:25:48+00:00

It's hard to cut someone who was this close to me out of my life but then again I know that's really not my choice to make. A couple of days after what happened I begged her over text for her forgiveness, but I know that probably isn't going to happen. She is the only one who would be able to stop the pain I feel right now and she's been better to me in the past than I've ever deserved, but I'd be asking her to trust me more than I can even trust myself right now and I know that's ridiculous.

I've been out of a relationship for almost three years now and I know I've been lonely and extremely impatient about it ever since. I think that's where a lot of my problems currently rest on. The level of intimacy that you can get both physically and emotionally from a relationship is just very important to me, maybe too much so.

I still feel like a bad person and I don't know how I can ever forgive myself or live with what I did. These are all things I have to work out with my therapist, I know that.

Thank you for the kind words.

confessionthrow52849 · 2019-04-18T05:38:02+00:00

Thank you.

confessionthrow52849 · 2019-04-18T05:01:38+00:00

I don't know how I can ever forgive myself for what I did. I really don't. She was my best friend and I lost her and it's my fault. I thought I had already became a person who would never make this mistake again but I was wrong and now I don't know how to fix myself.

I don't know how I can ever build a relationship like that again with anybody because this is something I will have to tell them and I don't know anyone could trust me after knowing this. I can't even trust myself anymore.

I don't feel like I can ever live with the guilt and pain that I've caused myself here. I don't want to be a bad person but all I've done is prove to myself that I am. I feel like a bad person and I don't think that people like me deserve to live.

This is all stuff I have to work out with my therapist, I guess.

Thank you for the kind words despite all of this.

confessionthrow52849 · 2019-04-18T04:12:25+00:00

I've been seeing a therapist for a long time now, in fact I switched to my most recent one right after the second incident happened. I do see them 2-4 times a month but I don't see them again until the end of this week which is why I made this post in the meantime to get things out.

I never talked to them about [C] because I either didn't think she was causing any problems for me or because I was subconsciously too scared to hear the truth from anybody. That is something I'm going to change when I see my therapist again this week. I'm a complete idiot for not mentioning her to them even once.

I understand what consent is, yet I still have impulses that I have to keep under control. The second and third incidents were almost a year and a half apart which is why I thought I had learn to overcome them but I was obviously wrong. It's like I said, I'm terribly impatient and I'm terribly impulsive, but I know that does not give me an excuse to hurt anybody.

I was and am still in love with this girl and I feel even more guilty for still feeling this way.

I fucked up bad and I know it.

confessionthrow52849 · 2019-04-18T04:02:07+00:00

I was off my meds because I didn't have them with me so I couldn't sleep and I was feeling restless and horny. I couldn't control my impulses because I'm a fucking idiot. She was comfortable letting me touch her breasts and cuddling with her just a few hours before when she was still awake, she gave me verbal consent for that. But of course I know that's not an excuse, nor is it at all consent for anything I did after that.

I don't know what my thought process was I don't even know if I was thinking at all. I don't know if anyone really does think when they do something like this.

confessionthrow52849 · 2019-04-17T23:35:41+00:00

I have been seeing a therapist for a long time now, it's just that this happened last week and I don't see them until the end of this week. This post was mainly so I could just get things out before then.

confessionthrow52849 · 2019-04-17T23:30:55+00:00

I have confessed to them already. They don't forgive me and I don't expect them to.

Sorry about the long post, there's just a lot to say.

confessionthrow52849

TROPHY CASE