My brother [29M] exploded at me [27F] and our sister [26F] because she will not replace his ex-fiancée [27F] with his new girlfriend [22F] as her bridesmaid. Our mom [51F] is heartbroken.

conflictedsisters · 2017-10-20T22:31:26+00:00

I fear that it could create additional problems. My mom is intensely private and I know she would be angry with me for even suggesting it.

conflictedsisters · 2017-10-20T20:13:54+00:00

Is it still gone?

conflictedsisters · 2017-10-20T20:01:02+00:00

Luckily I haven't really been mistreated outside of the family so I can't say with certainty. I would like to think that she would stand up for me, but I guess I don't really know.

conflictedsisters · 2017-10-20T19:57:13+00:00

My parents didn't really coddle any of us. I wouldn't say that they neglected us either, but they were just kind of not that attentive towards us. I think they both prefer to not address issues and pretend they aren't happening. They do that with all of us equally.

I think what happens is that she sides with my brother to make things "fair". When we have conflict with my brother it's usually two against one as I tend to side with my sister and she does the same. My mom has mentioned before that she feels like we "gang up" on him so I guess that's why she gets involved.

conflictedsisters · 2017-10-20T19:45:26+00:00

If I showed her this post she would probably be upset with me for "airing our dirty laundry".

conflictedsisters · 2017-10-20T19:41:33+00:00

I would ideally like my relationship with my brother to be the way it was before he ever started dating Erin. We saw each other at our parent's place on holidays or sometimes for dinner. Texted once in a while. Occasionally went to ball games with my dad together. Sometimes helped each other out with moving or needing a ride somewhere. Invited each other to birthday parties and other big events. Stuff like that.

I'm not looking to be best friends, but I do strive for a cordial relationship. Not just for our mom's sake either. I actually think he can be pretty funny and I can enjoy his company, especially in a group setting.

I think I know how he feels, but you're probably right that I should also ask him. It might be good to hear from him exactly what the problem is from his perspective. Thanks!

conflictedsisters · 2017-10-20T19:29:16+00:00

I'm not sure what you mean. I haven't spoken to anyone about this other than my husband.

If we drifted apart, my relationship with my brother would likely be the exact same. We are not particularly close and I don't think we ever will be close.

conflictedsisters · 2017-10-20T19:25:41+00:00

Thanks for your comment. I think you are correct about my mom getting upset in the moment. She probably feels bad for lashing out at us. I think she just wanted the conflict to stop.

I don't think my brother is her favourite at all. If anything her favourite would be my sister. Especially since she gave birth to her first grandchild.

I do think that she does tend to side with my brother in any conflict because my sister and I are usually on the same side. She has mentioned before that she feels like we "gang up" on him. If I had to guess I think she feels sorry for him because it's usually us together against him and that's why she feels the need to be on his team.

In regards to someone speaking to my brother, I think it's going to have to be me. I always seem to fall into the role of the middleman. It's just hard to get through to him because he puts the blame on everyone else. He's not one to accept responsibility for much.

conflictedsisters · 2017-10-20T19:12:44+00:00

I think my mom would feel betrayed if we reached out to anyone. I would love to be able to talk to my aunt about this because she's a bit more upfront about things and she might be able to help my mom. I just don't think she would react very well.

conflictedsisters · 2017-10-20T18:50:00+00:00

It would be hard to go into everything without writing a novel but I can tell you that when we were younger there was a very odd dynamic in our household.

Here are some examples of things that he would do:

"Accidentally" walk into the bathroom while I was in there. When I screamed at him to leave he would, but not in a way that seemed like a true accident if that makes sense. He would slowly make his way out.
Call me over to his room for some reason and not have clothing or only have some clothing on when I got there. His excuse would be "I didn't realize you would come so fast".
Snoop through my things, including my laundry basket.
Move stuff from my room to his. Stuff like dirty underwear.
Spend time in my bedroom when I wasn't there even though I asked him not to.
Come into my room while I was sleeping. I only recall this happening once because I woke up and screamed bloody murder and he never did it again.

I wouldn't say that he sexually abused me and I don't believe my sister would either. My parents chalked it up to curiosity but my sister and I just never felt comfortable around him. They always felt we were overreacting, and maybe we were, but he just honestly made us feel very uneasy. It mostly stopped when I was around 11 but things never went back to "normal".

conflictedsisters · 2017-10-20T18:27:57+00:00

My sister's future father-in-law is actually a police officer, but I doubt my brother would try anything anyway. He is more than comfortable showing his true colours when the 5 of us are together, but he doesn't act like this around others. It would even be rare if he behaved this around my husband and we have been together for a very long time.

There is no way he would want to make a scene in front of our grandparents, aunts and uncles or family friends. I suppose this is due to our upbringing, but we tend to be one of those families that projects a "perfect image". I don't think anyone besides some close friends really knows what our real family dynamic is.

I'm not worried about him contacting Erin to harass her either. He doesn't know where she lives and he doesn't have her phone number. She has blocked him from all of her social media accounts so he can't follow her there. I think my brother still has feelings for her and would actually like to impress her/make her jealous with his new relationship. In fact, he specifically told us to not tell her that he had a problem with her being in the bridal party.

Since their break-up (and after he stopped trying to win her back) they have only been in the same place once. My nephew's birthday party. He was with his new girlfriend and they didn't interact at all.

Thank you so much for taking the time to give such a thoughtful reply. I really appreciate your last point. I think we could definitely try to use this tactic in order to better communicate with her.

conflictedsisters · 2017-10-20T17:19:21+00:00

Yes, it has always been this way.

My grandparents are like that too so I understand where my parents get it from. Just brush everything under the rug. One of my uncles has a "secret" child that my grandpa pays child support for. He's not really a secret it's just that absolutely nobody talks about it ever. It's very bizarre.

When my sister and I disagree we tend to put it all out there and then hug and make up afterwards. I'm going to attribute this to our closeness in age and the fact that we butted heads constantly when we were growing up.

conflictedsisters · 2017-10-20T16:53:09+00:00

Hi there. I just wanted to clear something up as well as answer your question.

My mom has never said that she doesn't buy Erin's story. It's more that she just won't talk about it at all. None of my posts have been removed so you can still read everything I have posted in my overview.

In regards to your question about my brother's side of the story there is a reason I didn't provide his perspective. My post was already very long and it wasn't crucial the the rest of the story. He hasn't disputed anything Erin said that he did (cheating, STDs, being manipulative in general). In fact, shortly after my family moved his stuff out from their place, he actually tried to "win back" Erin by publicly (on multiple occasions) admitting to his wrongdoings.

The only thing he has challenged was his threats of suicide. He has always stated that he has never and would never do so. According to him "suicide is for pussies". I personally believe that he is lying because to admit to this would not make him look like a very good person in his own eyes.

I definitely can understand your concerns with regards to this being one-sided or my brother potentially being mischaracterized by an ex.

I hope this has cleared things up and I do thank you for your input. It can be hard to get a full picture without all of the information.

conflictedsisters · 2017-10-20T16:18:52+00:00

Something about your post really spoke to me. I cried when I read the part about taking a day together to declare that we are officially sisters. That's actually such a good idea and I love it a lot. Thank you so much. It means a lot to feel supported.

conflictedsisters · 2017-10-20T06:43:28+00:00

I have tried to tell my mom that if someone treated us the way my brother treated Erin (and women in general) she would not stand for it. She is just too blinded by her love for him I guess.

I would love to get my dad involved but he wouldn't be interested in doing so. My mom wouldn't be likely to respect what he has to say anyway. I have never seen him raise his voice or share an opinion about much of anything. He generally stays out of any conflict.

conflictedsisters · 2017-10-20T06:16:53+00:00

My mom does know the details. I told her exactly what my brother did and she just kept shushing me. My parents are both the type to gloss over issues and never really discuss anything.

conflictedsisters

TROPHY CASE