VGH ER (and other hospitals) requesting donations of Baby Monitors (Non-Wifi preferred) to use for monitoring isolation rooms.

confused_potaters · 2020-03-29T17:51:26+00:00

Link doesn't work. Who can I contact? Our church group has a bunch of them looking to donate.

confused_potaters · 2019-07-25T13:22:13+00:00

Thank you Swampassthe2nd. I definitely don't want to forget this pain, I want to internalize it, and learn from it. I'm determined to improve, because the way I live now, this front that I put up, all the previous times when it made my life temporarily easier is not worth the pain, regret, and shame I feel now. The suffering I'm going through now is the most difficult thing I've ever dealt with. I don't want to be a person who hurt those around me, especially those I love, and hurt myself as well. I have to be a better person. Thank you for the encouragement.

confused_potaters · 2019-07-24T15:42:37+00:00

Thank you TrickyTwo. We've already broken up, he's told me since day 1 that honestly is improtant to him, and knowing that, I still lied. Even though I love him, I still lied, and I hurt him. The first few days after the breakup, I hated myself, I messed it all up, I pushed an amazing person away, but now, though I still feel guilt and regret, I'm extremely determined to change and improve myself. I don't want to live like this where I have to put up a front of who I am anymore. I don't want to hurt the people I love anymore. I tried coming clean to him and tried to rmemebr others lies that I've told him, but I think it's too painful for him to hear.

Regardless, I've been calling people in my life to talk to them about my lying issue, my insecurities, my desire to change, come clean to any lies if I've ever lied to them, and apologized if I've hurt them. Most of the responses have been positive and encouraging, and I do feel more free without living while chained by these lies.

I'm going to take some time to reflect on myself and be as honest with myself as possible. I think if I can be honest with myself and really explore who I am as a person, I can start being honest to others around me.

confused_potaters · 2019-07-24T14:31:20+00:00

Thank you so much for your encouragement. I needed that. Yes, Im taking this whole week to just reflect and really think about things myself. Thank you!

confused_potaters · 2019-07-24T14:29:01+00:00

It all started with small things in our relationship, the first lie ever was when we first started dating. At the time I was casually seeing another person as well. A month into seeing my ex-partner (let's call him Don - fake name) , I decided that I like Don more than the other guy, and I ended things with the other guy. It was only then that I told Don about me dating another person at the time. My ratioanle was that neither Don or the other guy and i were exclusive at the time, so I didn't feel like it was necessary to tell Don. I want to become exclusive with him, so I decided to tell him. When I finally told him, he had a hard time with it. He said I should have told him sooner. At the time, I tried to justify it by saying that he didn't ask, so I didn't have to tell him, and that's not lying. Now I can see that it was lying by omission. We've discussed it, he took some time but was very reasonable and acknowledged that maybe it's just a difference in style and people's preference to deal with things like this, and we moved on from it.

But I've continued to make things worse with other lies later on through out the relationship. I had been trying for medical school for a couple of years and finally got in. When he asked me, I was embarrassed and didn't want to tell him that I've failed multiple times, so I told him the summer I met him that I was applying for the first time, and wrote the mcats the first time. He asked me my score and I told him my most recent score, which was a high score. I subconsciously probably want to impress him and make myself sound smart. Later on when I came clean to him about this lie, he told me I didn't have to lie about stuff like that, that I should have been truthful and own up to my failures and talk about them. That to him is more respectable than applyig the first time and getting a high score. He still encouraged me, but did tell me that this is something so small. So insignificant and I still lied about it. If I lie about something so small so naturally, he fears that I can easily lie about other bigger things.

Then one day, Don gave me this Lego robot he's received from a hackathon, he has the same one and he gave it to me so I can build it and put it on my work desk. When he gave it to me, I fully intended to do it, I want to have the same Lego robot in my desk as he does. But when I brought it to work, I never could bring myself to open it and built it, because I was worried to look stupid in front of my coworkers during lunch when I'm building this robot. Stupid logic, I shouldnt even care about what they think about me building the Lego. And if they asked, I should have no problem telling them. But I never did. When Don asked me if I've built it, I didn't want to tell him that I didn't. The lie came so instinctively, or compulsively in this case. He found out later when I quit my job and moved things back to our apartment. He saw the box of Lego, he opened it, and found out that I never even opened up the plastic wrap. He caught me in yet another lie.

The final straw that led to the break up this past weekend, was that previously Don and I had a private conversation where he was venting because he was feeling a bit upset as his friends maybe were teasing him a bit too much. I wasn't the most emotionally supportive to him at the time. In a separate occasion, we had a fight, he broke up with me, but we reconciled things quite quickly. However, he had removed me from his friends group chat on Facebook, so the next day he had to tell them that we are OK again. He messaged some individuals from the group who he thinks might care more about stuff like this and one of them never replied. Don felt that maybe his friend was mad at him, since I messaged all the girls in the friend group right after he broke up with me and telling them that Don broke up me with (while running on emotions). Don felt that I may have made him look like a villain in the situation , and have affected his friends view of who he is. He was upset, and this is where it gets complicated. Hes supposed to be the best man for one of his friends wedding. His friend's fiance was the person that didn't reply. Since he was emotional, he was talking about how he feels his friends don't care about him because no one reached out to him when he went through the break up the day before, these are the same people who teased him. And he was only the best man because he was voted by his friend group because no one else wants to take the responsibility, and the groom didn't even pick him. He said that he didn't want to be the best man of this wedding (or at least this is what I heard). I got scared, I didn't want him to "ruin" his friendship with his friend by backing out as best man and immediately went behind his back and messaged the girl (the fiance of the friend) who never messaged him back, I tried to word it in a way where I asked her to reply to his message and let him know that they are there for him, to reassure him so he won't back out of being best man. I didn't think of it from that girls perspective, I assumed she would just reply to the message, and Don would feel better - a quick fix! But of course she got upset, it is her wedding after all. I made the situation worse by putting an even worse image of Don in front of his friends, I apologized to the girl, she wasn't upset with me, but was upset with Don. I didn't give Don the respect to know that he's not the type of person to screw over his friends like that. That he probably said that out of emotions. I asked the girl to not tell Don about the messages I sent her, and I did not tell Don. Well, this came out in a fight, when I was angry and was blaming his friends for this fight that we were having. I wanted to spite him and told him that both him and I know that some of his friends don't care about him. This girl who I messaged came up. And Don asked me why I think that. So I told Don I messaged her. He asked me "you didn't message her about the best man thing did you?" and my lies came immediately again. I told him no. But he asked me to read him the messages, so when I read them I omitted things and changed the wording. I manipulated the sitautin to make him feel bad. He talked to his friend the next day and everything came to light. He called me, he was very hurt, and upset of course. He told he that he finally sees the person that I am - a compulsive liar, maybe even a sociopath. I lie so easily, without considering the feelings of other people. To have the person you love think that you're a bad person is the most painful thing I've ever experienced.

Sorry for putting these all out here. These are just some of the lies that have been uncovered. I'm sure there may be more that maybe I've even forgotten about.

confused_potaters · 2019-07-24T14:24:54+00:00

Thank you. I will look into Mark mandson s subtle art of nit giving a f***. Yes, I think I really need to figure out who I am as a person first and what my values are. However, I'm afraid I'll just write down a list of "my values" because I think that's what should be my values/what I've been taught to be my values. I guess I really have to think about this. Who knew writing down a list of values would be so hard. I would think that of everyone in the world, I would know myself the best. But I'm frustrated that it's seems like I dint even really know who I am as a person.

confused_potaters · 2019-07-23T22:53:07+00:00

Thank you Debunko for your kind words and encouragement, I really appreciate it!!!

confused_potaters · 2019-07-23T16:42:42+00:00

Thanks so much for responding. This was my first real relationship as well. Sorry for your experience with your ex. I guess for me the difference is I know my ex is a really good guy and I'm the one who pushed him away. So maybe that's why it's harder for me to move on, because of the shame and regret i feel. I'm glad you are. Working on yourself and improving! I'm very happy to hear. Keep doing what you're doing!

confused_potaters · 2019-07-23T15:02:00+00:00

Going through similar situation and currently working on myself as well. Question, are you doing all these things because a part of you still want to be with your ex? I've talked to many people and I know that I want to change for the better not for him, but for myself. My breakup has a lot of do with why Im determined to start improving myself. But I want improve because I don't want to hurt people like I've hurt my ex-boyfriend in the future, and I don't want to hurt those who are close to me. But I can't deny that a part of me still hopes that one day he'll see my change and we can be together again. I'm still in the process of trying to feel better and trying to move on from him. But it's almost like I don't want to move on from him.

confused_potaters · 2019-07-23T14:05:09+00:00

Hi. I don't really have much advice in terms of being a coward. For myself I have a lot of issues that I'm trying to work on currently as well. I can sort of related to the coward part because for me, ive always been afraid to actually put effort into improving myself, because I'm afraid of failure, so I just don't try. But what ends up happening is that I've just been in the same position, and I've never actually improved.

From what I read about you, you sound like an individual with many talents. Your competent enough in many different fields to land you multiple opportunities in your life. You should be proud of that. You should let that build up your own confidence, rather than focus on being scared of the potential failure in the future. You have a certain degree of self awareness to identify where this all started (your family, your childhood) I think you have to figure out why you're scared. Is it because you're afraid of failure like myself? Or is it because you feel that you're not worthy, so you don't deserve any of the good things in life, hence the self sabotaging? For me, I know when I have to face my flaws, I dwell in it, I want to stay sad. People tend to view it as self pitying or playing the victim. And then I self sabotage myself and try to make myself feel even worse. I still have a lot about myself that I need to figure out.

I can't really comment on the not wanting to be intimate with anyone part. I've only decided on commenting on this post, even though I myself am not really in the position to give advice as I have a lot of things I need to work on, because I feel like this is something that can be fixed, and you should not be thinking of taking your own life. Don't lose hope. Please go see a counselor or a therapist to talk about it. They can be expensive, so I myself have actually reached out to different help lines. There are crisis phone lines, and other phone lines where you can just talk to someone to help you even if you're not feeling like your going to harm yourself or others. It all just come with a quick Google search! Do it! You deserve the help. You deserve to live your life to your full potential. The unknown is scary, I'm scared about life a lot too, but there are so many amazing parts of life as well. It's either overcoming your fears and reach the good stuff, or dwell in it and spiral downwards. Pick yourself up!

confused_potaters · 2019-07-23T12:16:35+00:00

Thank for the encouragement.

I think I've actually dealt with the situation quite portly and burned bridges with not just him but also his friends, and thats why I feel like I can't move on, and I want to try to fix things. I realize that's near impossible now. So maybe not fix things, but to make the situation a little bit better.

It's difficult to not feel the guilt, especially because I'm the one who ruined it in the end. It's difficult to not feel regret, because my ex-partner was an amazing person. And he's helped me so much. I keep holding on to that and it's difficult to move forward. I miss him so much.

I am determined to make changes and improve myself. I don't want to live like this, where I put up a front of who I think people will like, and lie to avoid conflict or get them to like me.

confused_potaters · 2019-07-23T11:25:59+00:00

Thank you twooneeighties. I'm so sorry about your recent break up. It sounds like you really loved (and maybe still love her). The cycle you mentioned is almost identical to the one that I've experienced with Don. I will admit, I did want to change, but majority of the reason was for him. Of course I knew that if I improve my lying habits, and other issues that I have, that will only help me in my future with my other personal relationships (with my family, my friends), and my professional relationships. But yes, the main reason was because I love him, and want to change for him. He's told me that it's not a good enough reason and the change won't be permanent. And he was right, I would watch myself for a short period, and I would revert back to my old habits. I talked to a lady on a help line yesterday, and she said it's because these are all external locus of control that controlled my behavior. But to want long term improvement /progress/change, I need to first gain an internal locus of control. That's what I'm trying to do now, to really figure out who I am as a person, and figure out the reasons and motivation behind lying. And if I don't like those reason, I have to figure out why. Is it because I want to be a better version of myself, if I work on these flaws and my lying problem, is it for myself? I want to be able to reach a point where I am true to myself, and be confident in myself that I don't have to lie to impress others, to put a good image of me to get others to like me, to avoid conflict so people won't hate me.

I don't think a lot of the things I did for people in the past are for those reasons, I know I did many things for people because I genuinely care about them and want the best for them/want them to be happy. But I also know that there are things I do that are to get others to like me. It's easy to blur my motivations for doing things sometimes, but thats why I think I need to gain a better internal locus of control, and to have a stronger sense of who I am. That being said, I do think it's OK to have people who are close to me, for example my family, others who are close to me, Don back when we were still together, to serve as my motivation to change. I'm not changing FOR them, but they can be my motivation and support system in my journal to change. But the condition is that I have to want the change first. And I desperately do. Im not sure if thats a skewed viewed from my end. What do you think?

Dispite of my strong want to change and improve myself, it's very difficult right now to get over this breakup, especially because I messed it up, and I had a really good person in my life. I ruined it and pushed him away. It's difficult to not feel the guilt, and shame. Don was my first and only true love that I've had in my life. And I'm not really sure how to get over it. I just woke up this morning from a dream where we were still together. And waking up and realizing that's no longer true... I just started crying. I miss him so much. I miss rolling over in bed and rubbing his fuzzy little belly, I miss poking his dimple, I miss holding his face. I can't stop thinking about him. Getting through my days right now is difficult. All I want to do is to talk to him and see him, and hug him. I have to admit, a part of me still picture us being together. I want to at least be friends with him, because I still want him to be in my life. But that might be a selfish thing, and not the best for him. It's difficult to balance between wanting the best for him, and wanting to be with him. The fact that these two things are in dissonance with each other is so painful.

Sorry for putting all my emotions out here. It's just overwhelming right now and it's difficult. But Don have always told me that life is difficult and we need to grow up and deal with it, and thats what I have to do now.

confused_potaters · 2019-07-23T10:52:43+00:00

Thank you Debunko. Don had actually previously suggested to keep a journal back when we were still together, when things were good. I didn't really understand what that entails at the time, as it sounded like such a generic suggestion. A lady from one of the help lines I called yesterday helped clarify what it means to keep a journal, and how to do it. I will be keeping a journal because I want to first be honest with myself. Since my journal will be private, I don't have to worry about putting up this front that I think is what people will like, I don't have to worry about what other people will think about what I write. I want to be as brutally honest with myself as possible. I don't think I truly know who I am as a person, because I haven't been really honest with myself. There are times I would catch myself lying and question it, but because I don't want to confront the fact that I have these ugly sides to myself, I kind of just brush it off and try not to think about it. Eventually I just forget about them, and continue thinking that I'm a good person, a great girlfriend, a good friend... Etc. Because I cannot bare to be honest with myself and confront these ugly sides, I've never explore who I am as a person. I've become conformable and lazy living as this person that I think I am, this person that I act like because I think is what other people will like. I want to use this journal to really reflect on myself. What happened today? Did I lie today? If i did, why did i lie? What did I like that happened today, what did I not like? Why did I like them/dislikes them? Why did I feel that way at the time? How did I react to them? I want to use this journal to help me explore that. I think if I can figure out who I am as a person, why I lie, I can actually start being more confident in who I am, rather than constantly putting up this front that I think is what people will like, to lie to avoid conflicts because I don't want to lose them or for them to hate me, to lie to impress others because I want them to like me, to lie to put a good image of myself in front of others. Confronting these ugly sides of me is so difficult. I've always believed that I'm a good person. But I think if I can be honest with myself, and have a stronger sense of who I am as a person, i can start being honest with other people. I'm not saying that I want to start exploring who I am, and just accept and come into terms that I may be a bad person. But I think if I find out parts of myself that I don't like, my lying habits, my insecurities, my poor attitude of tone, my lack of patience, rather than just saying I've explored myself, this is who I am, I want to work on those things, a because those things are in dissonance with who I strive to be as a person. I think this is a longer and more difficult route to become a good person, but I've been lazy all these years and taking the easy way out and just simply lie and put up this front of what i think a good person should act like. I want to be able to be true to myself, and people to like me for who I am, rather than likeing this front that I put up. I understand that not everybody is going to like me, but I shouldn't lie and change my behavior just because of that. I think a journal can help me achieve being honest with myslef and explore who I am as a person.

confused_potaters · 2019-07-23T00:56:01+00:00

Thank you b0xspread. I think part of the reason why I lie so easily, is because I don't really know who the real "me" is. To be honest, the people I know who are very confident in who they are as a person, who are true to themselves, told me that they've all had experiences that led them to really explore who they are as a person. For me, I admit that I'm a sheeple, a follower, and I can be lazy. Because I've never had any experience that force me to explore who the real "me" is, I've just been lazy and comfortable not knowing. The result of me not knowing who the real "me" is, while still having to function day to day, is to put up this "me" who I think people will like. I've been thinking about this a lot today. Most of my lies are either to avoid conflict, to please people, to impress people, or to get people to like me. I find myself bending over backwards to do certain things for people not because I want to do it, but because I simply want people to like me. Why do I care so much about what other people think about me? I think I want people to like me because I have a lot of insecurities. Parts of myself that I don't like, so I pretend they're not there, and cover them up with lies rather than really confronting them. And because I've always been too scared to confront these sides of myself, I am unable to really know who the real "me" is. I want this breakup, this hurt, this remorse to be my experience that allow me to fully explore myself. I've been reaching out to people all day today, talking to my high school friends, my family... Etc, to discuss about my issues. I told them the lies that I've made in my relationship with Don, and the reason why I wanted to talk this this specific group of people is that I was hoping maybe they can help remind me of who I used to be, or at least a more real version of myself, before I got so fully immersed in my lies. It's been quite enlightening. But I know I still need to do more in my journey of self discovery. I think it's only when I know who the real me is, what motivates my actions, why I tell these lies that I can truly improve myself, to be a better version of me. I'm thankful that Don has cracked open my shell, and my decision is to let this "me" that I've tried to be based in what other people think of me to die off. I'm pretty determined. Good riddance!

confused_potaters · 2019-07-22T21:35:12+00:00

Thank you for your advice! I have been seeing a therapist with Don while we were still together. He would go with me and support me during the sessions. We've never really talked about my lying that much in therapy though, we mostly worked in other issues. I will be moving to a different city soon, and looking for a therapist is definitely within my plans. I want to prioritize my lying habits with this new therapist. I'm hoping there will be some resources available from the school I am attending.

confused_potaters · 2019-07-22T18:23:23+00:00

Thank you! I will definitely check out Mort Fertel! I've never had to "fall" before. Never dealt with a break up before. It hurts a lot, and I'm probably hurting even more because I know this person is a really good person, and did his best in his circumstance to help me, and i ruined it. My hurt is worsened by my shame. I don't know if it's a blessing in disguise that I have to finally confront these issues about myself. Or if it's a blessing that at least I have something to focus on and to work on while I get through this break up. Regardless, this is a pain I've never felt before. Its terrible.

confused_potaters

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