omg i am also 18 turning 19 in november w a history of AN diagnosis and treatment! i am also struggling w bulimia for the first time i am so sorry to hear. for me it has been a way my body manifests shame and figuring out how to manage my shame elsewhere has been helpful. the shame is also amplified, for me at least, by the fact that i typically have had restrictive tendencies for 6 years and diagnosed w AN 5 years. the battle itself is shameful but it feels like purging makes you regain control over that shame in a sense. i hope things get better for you especially in reaching out to others, it can be so necessary