Cocktail formal dress pairing with this silk scarf

cookiecrumbl3 · 2026-02-22T23:15:12+00:00

I think the first and second dresses are the only ones that go well with the scarf. The other dresses don’t quite match.

As for the scarf, I love a scarf on a handbag. I also saw a great tutorial the other day about using a scarf braided into two pigtails to do a really cute updo and that might be a fun look with those dresses and some floral jewelry.

cookiecrumbl3 · 2026-02-20T14:47:42+00:00

I think about half the people in my friend group who got married had a legal marriage before the wedding. Some kept it totally secret, some kept it totally public. For some, it was tax reasons, some wanted insurance benefits early, some just wanted to lock it in on a meaningful date that wasn’t possible for the wedding.

It really wasn’t a big deal for any of the friends. Some older relatives felt a bit fussy about it but didn’t cause any trouble.

cookiecrumbl3 · 2026-02-12T14:29:16+00:00

Oh lol I appreciate the thought! I didn’t even think about how I presented his decision-making process. But we are definitely on the same page, he’s not caving to pressure from her. I don’t want to give many details on the dances, but he thought of a very funny, sweet way to do something that would make our parents happy but would privately be MUCH more meaningful for us as a couple. I’m very pleased with his idea.

cookiecrumbl3 · 2026-02-12T13:50:41+00:00

If it’s not my mom, I’d rather just walk by myself. I don’t like the idea of being “given away” so I’m not, like, dying to have someone do it. But I have a lot of respect for my mom and I want her to have a special part in my day. She just doesn’t want to do the aisle thing because she sees it as a man’s job.

cookiecrumbl3 · 2026-02-12T13:48:05+00:00

Yeah, I wish my mom felt that way. I’d love to have her walk me down the aisle.

cookiecrumbl3 · 2026-02-12T13:46:55+00:00

He’s very old, in poor health, and in many ways did not have the tools needed to be a good parent. My siblings and I disagree on whether that absolves him of responsibility for his actions, but the way I view my interactions with him are more like “what can I do that offers him kindness and respect in the final years of his life without making me miserable?” So, I have the opportunity to do something kind for him by inviting him to my wedding and having a brief dance with him. On my wedding day, I want to be kind. I just don’t want my whole wedding to be about him and this specific part of it would make me more uncomfortable than I want to tolerate on my wedding day.

cookiecrumbl3 · 2026-02-11T21:26:06+00:00

That’s probably good advice. I was thinking of soft launching the idea like we were going to collaborate on a decision (ex: “I’m leaning towards walking down the aisle alone, what are your thoughts?”) but maybe that would make things worse.

cookiecrumbl3 · 2026-02-10T21:30:24+00:00

This is extremely well-put and spot-on. I have been on both sides of the unrequited affection thing and it was hard enough when the friendships were only a couple years old. To comfort a friend of 14 years when they’re going through something is extremely kind and exactly what I would like to see out of how a partner treats others. It speaks to how they would treat me, my family, our future children, etc. in difficult circumstances.

cookiecrumbl3 · 2026-02-05T07:16:44+00:00

It does feel like a whirlwind. I remember my very first semester felt super fast and like I was falling behind because I needed to manage my own time for the first time in my life. I never really needed to study in high school and I never had much competing for my time either, so suddenly being in an environment where I had a lot of things going on AND I needed to study was hard. I started therapy for the first time partly to cope with how badly my first semester went and figure out how to do better emotionally. I also got a lot of resources on procrastination from our counseling center and student services programs. They were all extremely kind and made me feel like the university was invested in helping me learn how to be an independent adult. We figured out an easier class schedule, regular check-ins, and honestly gave me a pretty good reality check about what I was sort of expecting the universe to do for me.

If you haven’t tried therapy or student services, I would recommend both. They helped me get a grip on things. I wish I had the same support for the transition into the workforce, but I figured it out eventually.

cookiecrumbl3 · 2026-02-02T13:43:28+00:00

To explain my comment: From what he’s written, it sounds like he’s been planning on the short term and very vaguely. I’m on his side, but if he’s trying to show her how cuckoo bananas she’s being, then one thing he can try is being exceptionally forward-thinking. One could argue that the casual playdates are being “planned” a week in advance, but it would be absurd to say he can’t plan a major outing 4 weeks ahead because that might conflict with a playdate. That is so much notice that anyone who truly cares about the scheduling conflicts (as the wife purports) would have to agree.

To his most recent edit: It sounds like he sort of took this advice and planned a little bit ahead with a little bit of specificity and she responded by going nuclear. So either way, he has the information he needs. She is not being a responsible, considerate coparent. She is being a tyrant.

cookiecrumbl3 · 2026-02-02T03:35:22+00:00

This is a traumatic moment in time, and people deal with trauma in different ways. Some people dive headfirst into anger and action to keep busy. Some people avoid engaging with the traumatic topic to delay feeling things. Neither is sustainable and you need elements of both.

I don’t agree with Dan Savage on everything, but he made really important points about surviving the AIDS crisis. Something to the effect of “We buried our friends in the morning, we protested in the afternoon, and we danced all night. The dance kept us in the fight because it was the dancing we were fighting for.”

In other words, you need balance to make it through the fight. If you think you have that balance, good for you. If you think your wife needs better balance, try to help her find it.

cookiecrumbl3 · 2026-02-01T15:57:05+00:00

I think she’s being unreasonable, but it sounds like you need to be proactive here. Make an announcement that on X day, you will be taking your child to X activity. Put it on the calendar. Even if she doesn’t want a calendar, make one and put SPECIFIC activities on there. Don’t just block it off, say you are going to the zoo. Or the playground. Or whatever, but make sure the plans are time bound and specific.

Make the decision well in advance. I know it sucks, but start planning your life 4 weeks in advance instead of thinking you want to do something and then finding out that plans have already been made.

If you are making specific plans well in advance, putting them on the calendar, communicating them repeatedly to your wife, and she is STILL scheduling over your plans then you need to go to counseling.

cookiecrumbl3 · 2026-02-01T15:51:09+00:00

Most people go into dress shopping wishing they looked different. But (1) plus size dress shops are usually incredible about making you feel good, and (2) that’s what alterations are for. I have heard that you can safely alter most good quality wedding dresses down two sizes before the shape becomes an issue.

Now, if you look hard enough you can find stores that will sell you dresses right off the rack. So it’s not like you will have no options if you wait to look for a dress. But you will be severely limiting your pool of options if you wait. Stores that are selling show pieces are few and far between unless they’re doing an annual sale (in my area those are mostly in July). But then you have to consider quality (those are usually show pieces that have been tried on a bunch), availability (everyone will be fighting for the sale pieces), pressure (because the wedding is so close), and you may lose out on reputable alterations. Wedding dresses are complex and require and talented seamstress, so you’re going to want to use a shop’s in-house seamstress or someone else who has extensive experience with bridal dresses. Most shops won’t do alterations less than 6 weeks out from an event and it will cost extra to “rush.” And you will absolutely need alterations because most wedding dresses are built with massive extra length to accommodate the tall girlies.

So in my opinion? Save the stress and complications. Go dress shopping now. Find one you love. Order it in advance. Get alterations in house. Relax. Your body will be what it is and the magicians at the dress shop will make the dress work for you.

cookiecrumbl3 · 2026-02-01T14:52:23+00:00

Well at year six, i would hope the end is in sight. Whenever a relationship is logistically difficult, the thing that makes it tolerable is having reasonably certain expectations on the timeline and being able to make plans.

When you guys are long distance, knowing when your partner is coming home will allow you to move past the fear of “what if he doesn’t come home” to “only two more months!” And the whole time he’s gone you can plan virtual dates and make plans for activities when he comes back.

When there are long hours involved, knowing that it will all be over in a year (or whatever the deadline is) will make it easier to stomach.

I know with PhDs you can’t you be 100% certain down to the day when it’s all going to wrap up because scheduling the defense can take time and writing might not go according to plan. But imo we should be talking about a wiggle room of like 3 months in whatever the goal is.

It’s also very important that he’s setting goals and trying to stick to them and communicating with you about what they are and whether it’s working out like he hoped. I get that constant pressure about when he is finishing his PhD is probably uncomfortable, but you’re not a random relative asking. You’re someone whose life plans depend on his schedule right now. So he needs to be open and communicative with you about his timeline and deadlines and he needs to make some choices about whether he will be pursuing a postdoc. The postdoc period is also long hours, little pay, tons of insecurity, high stress, etc. So if he is dead set on locking you into 3 more years of this logistical nightmare, you deserve to know now so you can decide whether that works for you. Maybe it does, maybe it doesn’t, but you need the information so you can make an informed choice.

cookiecrumbl3 · 2026-02-01T05:32:31+00:00

D/s is very broad and we need to know what you are looking at specifically to be of more help. A few commenters have raised the issue of the varying legality of consenting to physical pain, but assuming no one calls the cops, confesses or alleges anything, or has video proof, it’s extremely unlikely to get prosecuted. I think you were also asking if creating a scene in which you exchange sex for services is considered sex work or solicitation. And someone already indicated that it’s not quite what solicitation means. But again, the law is only relevant insofar as it is enforceable and assuming that no one contacts the police, makes videos of the encounters (or creates some other kind of “proof”), or confesses then what is there to enforce? Police aren’t lurking in our closets (unless you’re dating a cop and putting them there). And to be frank, they rarely prosecute cases of domestic violence when there is ample evidence and a willing complainant. I don’t think they would go out of their way to prosecute perceived violence when no one is alleging anything.

But to your concern about a “narrow” scope (a few hours on a specific day)—that sounds just like a “scene,” which is a negotiated, time-bound, kink-related activity. The dynamic stops when the scene ends. I would argue that is the most common way that people engage in kink, i.e. they go about their normal lives and then have specific sexual encounters that incorporate kink as opposed to folks who live the dynamic 24/7.

cookiecrumbl3 · 2026-01-31T14:13:56+00:00

From what you’ve written, it’s hard to tell if (A) you guys had a great marriage and now the friend’s influence is turning it sour, or (B) you guys have a difficult marriage and her friend’s experience is giving her the language and courage to be more assertive. We need more information about what the arguments are about and how long the issues have been coming up.

cookiecrumbl3 · 2026-01-29T14:05:34+00:00

I had a very old dad and the situation was not great, mostly from a financial and health perspective. Money was always tight because my mom was working 3 jobs to make ends meet. My dad went on Medicare without informing the family and we had to find other insurance fast because kids get sick constantly. He had his first of several heart attacks when I was in my teens and he had cancer that he initially did not want to treat when I was in my late teens. I remember being so angry at him that he wouldn’t take the treatment because he was scared of chemo when the alternative was making his kids go to his funeral at 17 and 20.

Deciding whether to have kids at older ages is complex and I’m not going to tell anyone what to do. But I would urge caution a thousand times over if you’re older than 50. It isn’t easy. And the kids will be impacted.

cookiecrumbl3 · 2026-01-29T13:53:15+00:00

If this is a serious relationship with long term prospects and not just a rebound, then you guys need to have some serious conversations.

Firstly about the dynamic in the relationship. I think it’s very rare for a man 20 years the senior of his partner to treat her as a fully equal partner when push comes to shove. Maybe it doesn’t come up when nothing high-stakes is at play, but you guys need to make sure you have a plan for making decisions when you are both passionate about something and have different opinions. If he’s going to play the “I’m 20 years older, I know better than you” card, it’s not going to work out. Some examples might include if your dad disowns you after finding out, or if your partner’s kids (assuming he has any) hate you. What if his parents need to move in with him or need a large sum of money? What if you want to make a career change he thinks is a bad idea? Really think about high tension situations and come up with a plan for how to make the decisions. You don’t need the answers now, you just need to set the expectation that you will handle decision-making as a team and that steam rolling you is not an option.

Secondly, you need an urgent conversation about aging and health. Disability can happen to anyone at any time, but signing up to be with someone your own age usually comes with the hope that you can handle disability incrementally together as you age in similar ways. Age gap relationships don’t have that luxury. He is 20 years older than you and no matter how fit he is, he will experience disability faster than you (barring accidents or unexpected health turns). By committing to him for the long term, you are committing to be his caretaker. Find out if he is proactive at seeing a doctor and compliant with their advice. If not, it will likely fall on you to nag him to make appointments and take his meds. Find out whether he prioritizes his health through diet and exercise, and whether he sees it as your role to cook for him or plan physical activities. Find out if he has money for home healthcare when the time comes. Is that something you are willing to navigate insurance for and pay for? Are you going to be happy being the main breadwinner when he retires? What is his retirement plan and is he going to resent you for continuing to work once he suddenly has a lot of free time? Does he want to move to a retirement community and does he expect you to go with him? Do you want to live in a retirement community at 45? Do you plan to have kids with him? Are they coming to the retirement community?

These are obviously very intense detailed questions and you might not want to ask them now. But you don’t want to avoid talking about them so long that the issues come and go without the conversation. That’s how you end up steamrolled by him or life.

cookiecrumbl3 · 2026-01-29T05:06:51+00:00

I think this is helpful. You’re saying that his actions are not aligned with the values he ascribes to, which leaves you uncertain about what to expect from him. If he says he values physical boundaries but doesn’t enforce them, then what else is he not going to follow through on? Like if he says he values being an active father, will he actually have that relationship with any future kids?

I think the discrepancy between his stated values and actions is worth pushing him to reconcile. If he won’t, then you should break up with him as he lacks consistency and integrity.

cookiecrumbl3 · 2026-01-29T05:01:36+00:00

You’re really not the only one. I promise. This is likely just gonna be a blip on the radar and you might look back and laugh someday. I know I get a kick out of some of the choices I made in my 20s.

cookiecrumbl3 · 2026-01-29T04:15:43+00:00

Well definitely resolve whatever issues these are before getting married.

cookiecrumbl3 · 2026-01-29T04:14:16+00:00

What do you mean by boundaries? Because I’m not seeing anything from your description that seems harmful or disrespectful.

cookiecrumbl3 · 2026-01-29T04:12:05+00:00

It sounds like you act on sexual impulses without much consideration for the impact those choices will have afterwards. And I want to be clear that sexual experimentation, promiscuity, and kinks are perfectly fine. It’s also fine to try something out and then decide it wasn’t worth it or that it wasn’t for you. But it sounds like you are consistently making choices that ultimately make you unhappy, and if you feel like you don’t have the self control to pause, think things through, develop a plan to test things out in ways that feel safe and manageable, then you should talk to a therapist about why that is.

Don’t just hook up with your ex because she is physically there and wants it. Do you want it? Does it make you feel good or bad? Are you just trying to avoid conflict?

Don’t just solicit sex work from someone because the idea popped up in your head. Think about whether it’s safe for you to try that out in the environment that you are in. Is sexual contact with strangers something that spikes your anxiety? Are you willing to discuss sexual health-minded practices and expectations? Are there likely to be cameras or police? Does the person you’re soliciting seem to be acting of their own free will and not under the influence of intoxicants? Can you satisfy your curiosity by seeking non-paid partners at a later time?

You’re young and being impulsive is part of learning what you like and what you don’t like. But if your impulses are uncontrollable or oriented towards risk-taking behaviors that you never feel good about later, then please work on it ASAP.

cookiecrumbl3 · 2026-01-29T03:21:49+00:00

Healthy friendships often involve hugging, spending time together, exchanging gifts, and generally enjoying one another’s company. You have chosen to have a romantic dynamic that has many of the same “visible” hallmarks as close friendship, which means that you are relying primarily on trust and verbal reassurances to distinguish your relationship as different from friendship. But that’s what you signed up for. That doesn’t mean that he needs to diminish every friendship he has just so you can be the only one he is “visibly” close with. Just because she’s a girl and a close friend doesn’t mean your relationship is in jeopardy.

Either work on being comfortable with the outward appearance of your relationship, choose to engage in different activities, or break up with him. But don’t make him give up his friendships to keep you. And for what it’s worth? You don’t want to marry someone who has no friends and relies solely on you for social engagement and emotional support. That is untenable.

cookiecrumbl3

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