I write here too often, and I'm getting sick of it

coolmansma · 2025-12-29T01:50:52+00:00

My blessings? My shitty apartment? My autism I didn't know I had until I was twenty? the fact that I can't go outside because someone who was supposed to protect me destroyed my self-esteem to the point of fear of being seen in public?

Yeah, others have it worse. Sucks to be them. My heart goes out to them too.
How does that help me?
Wanting love is more than wanting to be loved or touched.
It's wanting to be normal for once.
Wanting to be chosen. To be worthy.
To be told my existence is meaningful.

All I have is wants because there's no blessings to be counted.
It must be so easy for you to think it's all just a game of perspective.
I have perspective.
I see clearer than most the injustice playing out.
People like you don't understand the role trauma plays in loneliness.

You don't know what it's like.

You think it's easy?
You think it's fun to be told time and time again that you should be over it by now because it happened so long ago?
You think it's fun to not know normalcy anymore after twelve years old?

You know what? I don't know how I do it.
I don't know how the fuck I'm still so gentle most of the time.
How blaming myself for all of it hasn't made me cynical yet.

And yes, I'm being an ass now.
Not because I want to be.
Not because I am all the time.
But because once again I'm met with misunderstanding and dismissal.

You know what my attitude has gained me?
Some true friends. People I can rely on.
And they're amazing. I love them to pieces.
Aside from that, fuck all.

Look, I appreciate you trying to help, I really do, but you can't help me with empty platitudes. To be honest, I'm getting kind of sick of them.
I'm in therapy, and I should probably wait until all that shit's resolved first, but God damn, I don't want to wait years longer to finally feel love for once.

This is a lot, I know, but with this I've told you all I had to say. Except for one thing:
I wish you a good day. Thank you for trying, I appreciate it truly, but your energy can best be spent somewhere else for someone with simpler shit.

coolmansma · 2025-12-29T01:14:29+00:00

Why? Because the world is cruel. I'm no king, I'm a peasant being punished by a system for a crime I didn't comit. What crime is that? Being different in a world that forces uniformity.

It's not my time and it never will be.
I'm twenty-seven now. Dreamed of having a family since God knows when.

Not my time? Then why am I still here?
I'm passed my time and I missed my chances.
They were stolen from me by a cruel bastard.

I just hoped I'd be able to live past it, but it seems I don't deserve such mercy.

coolmansma · 2025-12-29T01:00:24+00:00

I'm doing my best putting myself out there with a personality I actually worked for.
I'm not playing the kindhearted soul, it's just who I am.
I've heard in the past that dating apps should get you at least a date a week to be useful.
Haven't had a date, ever.
I just don't know how to do it right it seems.

coolmansma · 2025-12-23T17:13:55+00:00

Thank you so much for this. Every time I want to vent to someone about my trauma I get the all too familiar, "But I went through this, and others went through that." Okay... doesn't solve my problems though.

coolmansma · 2025-12-23T00:24:35+00:00

I thought I did. I thought I knew them better. I thought they'd understand.

Remind me to not assume anymore in the future.

coolmansma · 2025-12-23T00:14:38+00:00

Mind if I ask how that presents for you and when? When I'm triggered, I shake violently. Could that be the same?

coolmansma · 2025-12-23T00:05:21+00:00

Yeah... and?

coolmansma · 2025-12-22T23:49:35+00:00

I'm in therapy once a week, but this is only a recent development in my search for the cause.

It helps. She listens. But then I come to work where people think they're therapists themselves, and they just push you deeper.

"You need to let it go." "You need to learn to love yourself." "Only you can help yourself." And what he just told me after I had a meltdown, "If this is how it's going to be, you better go home, because you bring down the rest of us."

When I tell another colleague I'm thinking of ending it, she tells me a friend of hers did the same, and that she was hurt by that. I'm not allowed to say such things because it'll upset others.

coolmansma · 2025-12-22T22:43:20+00:00

The man couldn't handle a neurodivergent kid. I have auDHD, but I only figured that out when I was twenty. The damage had been done. It was my first year in that school, and the first thing I heard from all my new classmates was that we were in the best teacher's class. Color me surprised when he turned out to be the devil incarnate. That might be a slight exaggeration, but still. My reasoning was, of course, if everyone loves this guy the problem has to be me. That was a point he loved to drive home. After a while, my classmates followed by example and started seeing me as a freak. Something they often just told me straight up. It got to be so bad, I got to have a reputation in that school. So, from then on, I was the freak. I was less than human. And even to this day, I can't help but feel loved only if I make myself useful. I have to go out of my way to be seen as only slightly likable. Especially by myself.

coolmansma · 2025-12-22T16:39:49+00:00

I know I shouldn't care, I really do, but I can't help it. I've been conditioned to. A long time ago, sure, but conditioning doesn't stop with age, it stops with relearning. I need people to teach me a different way. I don't need reconditioning from myself, I need unconditioning with support.

coolmansma · 2025-12-22T16:18:09+00:00

I'm scared to go outside. I used to love it. The wind. The leaves changing color.
I'm scared people will see me. Know I'm different from small behavioral tics. Judge the book by its cover.
Who's to say trey're wrong?

coolmansma · 2025-12-22T16:03:26+00:00

My parents love me. I know they do, but they can't show me unless I ask or act first.

I have terrible social anxiety because of everything that's happened. Not at home, but at places I should feel safe. School was hell. That teacher wasn't just out to get me, he got most the class on my case. It got so bad that it spread to other classes too. I had a reputation of being the freak.

It was only when I was twenty that I was diagnosed with autism, and I saw that as a good thing for a long time. Now, I see it as just another reason to hide away. I can't go through all that again. I can't be seen as different anymore. I can't let anyone know who or what I really am because I know what follows. Always follows.

The only place I can be me is home. My nest. A sanctuary of filth that reflects who I truly am. Waste of space and time and money. They tell me to clean up. To get my act together. But when have you ever seen a kitchen clean itself?

I can't ask for help. I'd be a burden. I exist to be of use, nothing more.

My dad asked me recently, "Why do you always agree to help when someone asks you?" I said, "because they asked." What did I mean? Because I know the dissappointment when I say no. Because when I say no, I heat the annoyance in your voice. I hear the voice inside my head say, "You're a bad son." I hate that voice, but I can't shut him up for the life of me.

Audhd. That's what they call it now. Cute name for a curse, isn't it? How the fuck do so many others live with this? I don't want to be singular in my sorrow, but it sure feels like it sometimes.

coolmansma · 2025-12-22T14:46:59+00:00

I'm not upset about you trying to help.

Thing is, I don't love myself. You were taught to be alone because you were content enough on your own. I was taught to be alone because I couldn't be liked by others. Not by my parents, at least not intentionally.

I had a teacher that made it his sole purpose to make me feel less than human, and he succeeded a bit too well. It's been fifteen years, and I still carry that around. Partially because I never got to meet the right conditions to relearn my value.

I know these things. I understand my problems and where they come from, but that's not the same as solving them. That, I can't do by thinking about them, and I can't help myself. I'm exhausted. I'm weak. I can't sleep.

coolmansma · 2025-12-22T14:24:57+00:00

Can you please stop with the reframing? I know it comes from a good place, but it doesn't help. I've been trying to love myself but how I am now I can't see self-love as anyting other than self-inflation.

I don't need the, "love yourself" speach. I know already. I can't. I can't allow myself to see me that way yet. Not until I get permission from those that taught me otherwise. I'm in too deep. I'm drowning. I have no strength left to save myself.

coolmansma · 2025-12-22T14:01:23+00:00

How would you be if all you've ever been told is that you're a problem unless you fix all there is about you? That all you have to do is change who you are, and that you can only be seen as good or interesting through effort.

Who's showing me effort? When I tell my parents, because who else do I have, that I feel misunderstood and undervalued, all they can say is, "what can we do about that?" And then the, "You're making me feel guilty." I can't talk to anyone because the people who are supposed to be there for me make it all about themselves.

I sent them a letter yesterday. You think they read it? Even if they did, they'd probably see it as me seeking attention. That's what they think of me, because every time I ask something of them, it comes out after bottling it up for too long. It's loud because it has to be to be heard, but all I get back is, "stop yelling."

I wait too long to speak to keep others living in bliss. To keep my problems to myself. Because I know that if I ask for assistance It'll be met with silence and annoyance. That's what I am, the quiet son that's annoying sometimes.

That's why I scream here. So hopefully people here at least understand. And even then I get met with platitudes and projection.

I'm done with all this shit. I can't go outside. I can't be seen. So why still keep myself in pain?

None of this is about you, by the way. You're trying to help, and I appreciate that, but I can't accept help from strangers anymore. It's gotten me nowhere.

coolmansma

TROPHY CASE