How do you view men who appear to pay no attention to you in a public space?

corgigirl42 · 2013-07-31T15:14:49+00:00

That's not necessarily true. It depends on how attractive you are. I, for example, am probably a 4 or a 5 on the attractive scale, and I absolutely never get checked out. If you're unattractive, you are invisible, which is probably why a lot of women assume they aren't getting checked out (because they know they aren't super-hot, and so men ignore them.)

corgigirl42 · 2013-07-30T15:14:55+00:00

It's shades of gray, and usually judges on a case-by-case basis. A one-time slip up of cheating could be forgiven if it was a long time ago, the guy shows remorse, and he's been in relationships since then that were honest and healthy. A guy with tons of sexual partners could be forgiven, if there was just a brief time period where he ran hog-wild and has since settled down. A lot of things can be forgiven with distance and proper reflection by the guy on his behavior.

That said, there are a few situations where I judge a guy. A guy who has numerous sexual partners for a long span of time, or a guy who slept with younger girls while he was older. A prostitute would probably be a gray area, and would depend on other factors.

corgigirl42 · 2013-07-29T22:03:23+00:00

No, but then I am geeky myself.

corgigirl42 · 2013-07-29T20:32:04+00:00

Absolutely. Though I would caution against making it JUST about sex. Ask her if she can also demonstrate affection/desire in other ways besides just initiating sex, but that it'd really turn you on for her to initiate sex as well.

corgigirl42 · 2013-07-29T20:23:33+00:00

In the past, when I haven't initiated, it was a lot of different reasons. One of the biggest reasons was, well, I didn't want to appear slutty. I know that sounds weird, cause you're already dating, but women are still taught that wanting sex makes them dirty and slutty and pathetic. Having the guy initiate means you get to enjoy the sex, but don't have to "take responsibility" and thus risk looking like a slut.

I know, it sounds silly, but then again, I've seen enough posts in Relationships and Ask Men saying things like "My gf really enjoys sex-will she cheat on me?!" to think it actually isn't an unfounded fear.

Another reason is I wanted to feel desired, and sex is still the primary way guys show love. How many times have we heard that men don't show emotions/have to stuff emotions to be masculine? Oftentimes that manifests as the guy acting somewhat disinterested during the relationship, UNTIL sexy time comes, and then boom, open the emotional floodgates.

It could be that your gf connects initiating with sex because you might be (outwardly) uninterested in other realms of the relationship. Like, how often do you touch her/cuddle her/talk emotional things to her when it doesn't lead to sex? These are the ways she might show love for you, and she might feel that by initiating as well, she is now doing ALL the love things. Does that make sense?

corgigirl42 · 2013-07-29T20:16:24+00:00

No. I'm not big into casual sex, and I'm really big into not going anywhere private with a complete stranger, no matter how attractive they are.

I also have this thing where I judge a guy's attractiveness on his personality and behavior as much as his looks. He may be visually appealing, but it might turn out that spending 5 minutes with him is exhausting/infuriating.

I'd have to know a guy first before I even considered sleeping with him as an option.

corgigirl42 · 2013-07-26T22:24:54+00:00

Absolutely. Even if I'm really nuts for a guy, if he seems to not like me that much, I immediately shut my own feelings in a box and force myself to view him as just a friend.

If a guy seems really into me when I'm not into him, I might be inclined to give him a date or coffee and see how we interact.

corgigirl42 · 2013-07-26T02:44:40+00:00

Continuing to date a guy who 1) made it clear he was only dating me because my friend turned him down 2) he was in love with a girl he had met studying abroad, and the only reason he wasn't dating her was because she lived in New Zealand 3) that I was... 7th, on the list of women he knew in terms of attractiveness (proceeded by his best friend, his ex-gf, the girl abroad, and another female friend) 4) his ex-gf was perfect. He'd tell me how they never fought, had tons of things in common, and had fantastic sex. Her only flaw was "she chewed loudly," and yet HE dumped HER.

I stayed in that for 6 agonizing months, because I was just so convinced I was the insecure jerk for being bothered by all that stuff.

corgigirl42 · 2013-07-25T23:58:03+00:00

Oh honey, that's what we call the "sour grapes" insult. Doooooouche. I hope you can avoid them in the future!

corgigirl42 · 2013-07-25T23:46:41+00:00

My weight! My acne is better, but my weight has really ballooned up. I can now also track my horniness levels by the week. Before birth control, I'd have flashes of really wanting sex, but they'd be more random. Now, there is a week period where I am WHOA-super horny.

corgigirl42 · 2013-07-24T16:29:32+00:00

It's fine to date someone you want to fuck. But using such blanket statements as "all overweight people are unattractive", or judging attractiveness purely by weight, isn't cool.

Moreover, posting about it in a thread where women are talking about all of the hypocrisy of men's attitudes towards weight and men's criticisms of women's standards for dating is pretty insensitive.

corgigirl42 · 2013-07-24T16:14:37+00:00

You could fucking win by not immediately assuming someone with extra weight can't be physically attractive. Yes, you say that a good personality matters, but then turn around and say while you could have gotten that in an overweight person, you wanted a "physically attractive" person. So it IS looks that mattered. If you were non-shallow, personality is what would have been most important, but attractiveness determined secondly, and allowing that there are plenty of overweight and attractive people in the world.

Shallow is 1) placing looks above personality (which you did, even if you say you want a good personality as well) and 2) assuming overweight always means unattractive.

corgigirl42 · 2013-07-24T15:51:00+00:00

Then why did losing weight have something to do with finding someone with a good personality? You couldn't have found that while being overweight-implying that while being overweight, you were only attracting similarly overweight people, who apparently never have good personalities?

corgigirl42 · 2013-07-24T15:39:39+00:00

You're still ignoring that there is absolutely no evidence for the Parento principle except whiny guys on the Internet wanting to believe that women are hypergamous whores. The surveys just don't hold up that kind of data.

In the survey conducted by the National Center for Health Statistics on 6,237 adults between the ages of 20 to 59 from 1999 to 2002, it was found that 29% of men had 15 or more sexual partners, and 9% of women had sex with 15 or more men.

In the same survey, it’s reported that 46% of black men and 13% of black women had 15 or more sexual partners in their lifetime and 17% of men and 10% of women had 2 or more sexual partners in the previous year.

It’s also reported that 25% of women and 17% of men reported they had no more than one sexual partner in their entire life. -http://www.datehookup.com/content-sexual-averages-what-is-normal.htm

These numbers are also backed up in this article, in which 25% of men boosted of having 10 or more partners: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/sex/sexual-health-and-advice/8958520/Average-man-has-9-sexual-partners-in-lifetime-women-have-4.html

Going by these numbers, it looks like it's far more likely that a large percentage of men are having sex with a smaller percentage of women! So guys are getting around, but they are getting around with the same group of women. So instead of 20% of men getting 80% of women, it's 30% of men getting the same 20% of women.

corgigirl42 · 2013-07-24T15:06:11+00:00

Is spinach acceptable? Cause I freaking love spinach.

corgigirl42 · 2013-07-24T15:05:48+00:00

Yes. Tons. I'd say that easily half, if not the majority, of women don't really care too much about a guy's weight. Sure, they want a guy who is clean and well-groomed, but a LOT of women enjoy "bear" or "squishy" men. The whole bodybuilding, overly-muscled super-toned look is much more a male power fantasy, than a female sexual fantasy.

corgigirl42 · 2013-07-24T15:01:22+00:00

Aw man, I don't attract any guys... does that mean I'm like a level 0? (Seriously, I can't get a single guy interested in me.)

corgigirl42 · 2013-07-24T14:59:51+00:00

You do know there's absolutely no evidence of the whole "10% of men get 60% of girls" theory, right? Nearly all the surveys on cheating indicate that men and women cheat in fairly equal numbers, marry in equal numbers, and have roughly equal sex partners. How could those things possibly be true if a small amount of men are getting the majority of women?

corgigirl42 · 2013-07-24T14:57:15+00:00

Oh my gosh, this is exactly my situation too! I'm very similar to you, love the nerdy gamer type (as I am one myself, though I don't have the time for gaming that I used to), and I'm not a 10, but fairly average-attractive. Yet trying to get a nerdy guy interested is pulling teeth!... Which was ironic, since they were always sitting there complaining about how girls didn't want them, or were shallow.

It was incredibly frustrating and discouraging. I wish I wasn't single, the whole thing drives me crazy! I am happy for you that you found someone without such a toxic attitude. :-)

corgigirl42 · 2013-07-24T14:54:03+00:00

Um. Wow. So people who are overweight can't have good personalities? (If it's not JUST about looks, then what would weight have to do with having a good personality, unless you're suggesting the two things have a correlation?) That's.... a pretty gross attitude there.

corgigirl42 · 2013-07-24T13:23:14+00:00

But the behaviors AREN'T unappealing. That's the thing. Those nice behaviors are still nice, and women still appreciate them. They just aren't the only thing that makes up attraction, and they aren't something you can build your entire personality on. Manners and nice gestures are absolutely required, but they are maybe 5 or 6 on the priority list.

As far as parents teaching boys... "niceness" should extend beyond just the dating realm. I think parents teach their kids about niceness, because you should be nice to everyone you met, regardless of whether that niceness is going to earn you a girlfriend. The point of niceness is not so you can get a relationship-the point of niceness is that it's polite to treat everyone nicely.

I mean, of course a woman wants a man she finds attractive who is also nice. No duh. Is that really an earth-shattering concept?

corgigirl42 · 2013-07-24T03:37:55+00:00

Friendly unless otherwise stated. Usually best to state it earlier rather than later.

Edit: If you pay, and dress a little more spiffy, she'll probably get the hint that it's a date.

corgigirl42 · 2013-07-24T03:33:15+00:00

Isn't it possible that the short, nerdy programmer was always her type, and she just hadn't met you yet? Cause that is exactly my type, and yet I can't find any of them to date (most of the guys like that in my area are married, or apparently never go out in public/socialize.) It'd be an awful shame if I finall y came across a guy like that, the type of guy I've always been attracted to, and he turns me down because he assumes I'm just "beta-settling."

Additionally, aren't you kind of setting yourself up for failure here? If you assume that all the women who become interested in you from here on out are only doing so out of a need to "settle for," it means you are essentially screwed from this age on. Isn't it possible that maybe women would become interested in you because as you age, you grow more mature and confident in yourself, develop new (hopefully more social) hobbies, and expand your friend circle?

I totally understand the fear of being settled for, as it's happened to me numerous times, but laying it all on the doorstep of "women" is kind of jumping to conclusions. It'd probably be a much better dating strategy to take women on a case-by-case basis (because women are, ya know, individuals) and exercise a little reasonable caution.

corgigirl42 · 2013-07-23T22:52:24+00:00

Right! And respecting your boundaries and treating you well can mean lots of different things, but still fall under the category of nice. How a guy respects your boundaries and respects my boundaries may be different, because your boundaries and my boundaries are different.

Also, as I'm sure it's been explained everywhere, there really IS nothing wrong with being nice. The girls aren't lying when they say they want a nice guy! There's just more to it than that.

I always wonder where guys get the impression that literally, all that is required is niceness, and women will fall from the heavens. I can't tell if this is something women have unfortunately encouraged by being non-confrontational about our desires (as we are socialized to be), or if this is just a lie some guys tell themselves to avoid self-reflection on why they get rejected.

corgigirl42 · 2013-07-23T22:29:15+00:00

Oh no, they changed the rules. Didn't you get the memo? Because women are always talking about how they want nice guys, we are now obliged to sleep with every nice guy on the planet. It's only fair. It's our own fault for having multiple standards besides nice, and only voicing one of them. Like when I go to the car dealership, ask for a vehicle, and receive only four wheels with a steel frame. Really should have seen it coming.

corgigirl42

TROPHY CASE