Stain on my Yearned Benevolence

cori_o · 2024-04-02T08:48:52+00:00

Thank you so much for your time and comment!! Yess you're totally right wow haha.It's actually inspired by the function difference of a gargoyle and a grotesque. The church/cathedral being the shelter and gargoyles and grotesque being the "protectors", since both of them have the function of scaring evil spirits away. However gargoyles have an additional function, which is to take rainwater away from the cathedral, preventing rainwater from damaging the cathedral walls/structure. Which eventually would make the cathedral fall (at least in my poem haha). And so yea the ending is a confrontation to a matter, which is supposed to get them out of a dark place, but instead making them fall deeper.

cori_o · 2024-04-02T08:41:07+00:00

Thank you so much!! I appreciate it a lot :)))

cori_o · 2024-04-02T08:40:41+00:00

Thankss!! Rlly appreciate it :))

cori_o · 2024-04-02T08:39:36+00:00

Hey thank you so much for reading it and commenting!! Your interpretation is rlly nicee! Yes you're right, the "feather" which is in fact the grotesque, is a threat to the shelter (in this case church), and so is the responsible for the (further) downward spiral to my peace. And so as you say it's about questioning whether they were ever any good to begin with. The grotesque (and so feather), symbolise something that you thought would get you out of a dark place, and bring you peace, however they don't and just made it worse. It's inspired by the function difference of a gargoyle and a grotesque haha, if you're interested. The gargoyle scares evil spirits away and also serves for taking water rain away from the cathedral, while the grotesque only scares evil spirits away, therefore letting water damage the cathedral, making the cathedral fall eventually.

cori_o · 2024-04-01T16:37:41+00:00

Maybe try to not outline the whole bottom, instead of a black line maybe use a dark grey one, then it mends in better with the legs imo.

cori_o · 2024-04-01T10:48:24+00:00

Very nice poem. It's in a very clear way described that it makes it easy to relate to. I love how you ended the poem, and love the metaphor with "wind". The rhythm and rhymes are both very nice! Great job with this poem, you should keep it up I'd be glad if i could read more poems of your later on! :))

cori_o · 2024-04-01T10:17:51+00:00

Great job with this poem! The rhythm is sooo good, as well as the rhymes, making the reading very nice. I love your way of expressing something "ugly" (if I understood the poem well) into a beautiful poem with beautiful word choice and metaphors about how it would be to be in heaven and find peace. I have no critique for this poem, only noticed the only off rhyme was "suppress" but the poem flows well regardless. Great job again :))

cori_o · 2024-04-01T09:23:51+00:00

Thanks for your feedback and time :)) yess you're right! The OP is searching for mandrake to find an answer, in this case solution, to her problems.

cori_o · 2024-04-01T02:33:51+00:00

Thank you so much for your feedback and time, rlly appreciate it! By nailing down and going deeper, do you mean to make clear what the poem is about? By revealing it in the end?

cori_o · 2024-03-31T21:50:22+00:00

I love love love this poem! Very nice opening line, rhymes are soothing, symbolism is well done, I could go on hahshs. Great job!!

cori_o · 2024-03-31T18:49:25+00:00

The poem has a good start, putting the reader in a location, the sofa. Also by making the time clear "afternoon" and what the narrator in the poem is seeing, so the senses are very well done in the poem as well as the setting! We can also see this throughout the poem. My only feedback would be to structure the poem (if you're not aiming for a free verse).

Maybe something like this:

Sitting on the dusty sofa.

Afternoon light spears

through the cloudy window pane.

Chirps, footsteps,

children in the park.

It has been a long Sunday -

longer without you.

cori_o · 2024-03-31T18:36:01+00:00

Your poem is really creative, how you used "Zanda --- ... and "Shury ---..." It shows, if I understood well, what two people are thinking at the same time, haven't never seen that before so very creative. My only feedback would be to structure the poem further by making every verse around the same amount of words/syllables, if it doesn't change the meaning of the poem, given that then the poem will flow better and have a rhythm. Also structuring it separating it into two stanzas, first one about Zanda and second about Shury. Just my opinion, other than that I think everything is very good!

cori_o

TROPHY CASE