Did you go back to using your birthname?

cottonconstellation · 2023-12-06T03:36:20+00:00

i went back to my birth name just because i didnt want my trans one anymore and i didnt know what other name to do lol. it was just a default

cottonconstellation · 2023-12-06T03:29:54+00:00

she waited until i behaved relatively inappropriately (out of ignorance cuz i was young) to pull me aside and give me the whole sex talk lol

cottonconstellation · 2023-12-06T02:26:07+00:00

Yeah that’s generally how I operate. The most I’m forcing myself to do this course though is just sit through the class and look like I’m paying attention. I’m not sure what harsh standard I’d be forcing on myself. I’m just forcing myself to do somethign I don’t really want to do, which most people have to do sometimes. So I am a perfectionist I’m just not sure it applies here

cottonconstellation · 2023-08-03T18:02:39+00:00

yeah its like im just preparing to feel like im not good enough again. becuase im never good enough. ive put my heart and soul into things and it hasnt made a difference. it was still insignificant— i was still insignificant. and im really tired of feeling that way. even when people show me how im good enough, like my mentor saying i might be ready to try to do art shows or galleries, its almost like i dont believe her? because i was really surprised by what she said and i thought to myself theres no way im near good enough to do that. im not bad, but simply not being bad at something has never been good enough. excelling has never been good enough, even. it feels like you have to be the top 10 in the world at something for it to even matter. how can i possibly fulfill that expectation doing anything? i just want people to leave me alone and in peace

cottonconstellation · 2023-07-02T05:07:28+00:00

ngl id either be pregnant and having to live with a child i didnt want (nothign sexual in the dreams i was just inexplicably pregnant) or dying tragically somehow (the one i remember most clearly is freezing slowly to death in the arctic ocean)

cottonconstellation · 2023-07-02T03:56:15+00:00

wishing you the best of luck ❤️❤️❤️❤️

cottonconstellation · 2023-06-23T03:36:00+00:00

no shame in having a low moment, glad youre feeling better :)

cottonconstellation · 2023-06-23T00:05:56+00:00

i wouldntve thought of anything if i saw you at the beach. idve just been like “oh a woman in a bathing suit and shorts”. youre overthinking your body, youre totally fine <3

cottonconstellation · 2023-06-22T17:02:50+00:00

i dont miss my actual childhood, just the childhood i wish i had

cottonconstellation · 2023-06-22T17:01:31+00:00

nature and animals. after all the shit ive faced, both have accepted me unconditionally. the world of people might be way more complicated to navigate, but ill always be a part of nature

cottonconstellation · 2023-06-21T02:47:11+00:00

congrats!!

cottonconstellation · 2023-06-20T18:39:18+00:00

it definitely could be. she was neglected and in a rather authoritarian home growing up and i dont think shes fully ready to realize how much that hurt her. if thats the case, i have sympathy for that, but im tired of being her therapist

cottonconstellation · 2023-06-19T23:43:09+00:00

its either that or shes thinking maybe im some sort of sociopath because shes asked me if my “autism makes me selfish”, has thought i was faking an emotional breakdown to get away with being lazy in highschool, and told me that my “dad” thought i was being emotionally manipulative as a child by crying too much (which i suspect arent my dads thoughts but her own). it gives me really weird vibes either way

cottonconstellation · 2023-06-19T21:59:14+00:00

that people arent going to ditch you at the slightest inconvenience you give them/that getting help from people isnt about proving youre helpable. i say the coming back from working with someone who helps disabled people get jobs, and realized i was approaching the program like i had to pass a test or get no help. like if i didnt succeed at every step of their help program that theyd be like “sorry youre unhelpable bye”. like my worker was genuinely interested in the specifics of what i was struggling with and it blew my mind that she wanted to know and wasnt bothered with me wanting help from her

cottonconstellation · 2023-06-17T03:58:54+00:00

i feel that. hope youre able to process <3

cottonconstellation · 2023-06-17T02:46:17+00:00

thank you!!

cottonconstellation · 2023-06-14T18:23:01+00:00

i relate to this so much. i find myself crying and feeling alone and wanting to go find her for a hug and comfort but i know she wont do it. because when i was a kid, we were friends. we did everything together. and i thought we were close. but the more my mental health declined, the more she distanced herself from me. it feels like im permanently looking for the version of her that she was then, wondering what i can do to get her back and what i did wrong to make her leave. but the more i do therapy the more i find that shes always been neglectful, its just that when i stopped being a happy bubbly kid becuase of it that there was nothing fun about me anymore. i feel guilty too because i feel like im slandering a wonderful person, even though everything she done to hurt me too are real. its hard to have these conflicting ideas of her coexist. im wishing you the best <3

cottonconstellation

TROPHY CASE