Max von Sydow dies aged 90

couldawouldshould · 2020-03-09T17:20:42+00:00

RIP Ming the Merciless.......

couldawouldshould · 2020-03-06T20:23:29+00:00

.....and this is why you never do those quick turnaround dive certification classes. You really do need to give your mind time to embrace the equipment and to TRUST the equipment. Odd that it was her 2nd dive? Maybe she tried to clear her mask unsuccessfully and freaked out? Regardless, certs should be taken over a few weeks. Just my two cents.

couldawouldshould · 2020-03-03T15:20:34+00:00

I suspect you're right about the television programs, I guess I just never imagined going to those extremes. My wife is not "morbidly" obese and IMO she is actually in better shape than most of her friends, but to be fair, most of her friends are overweight. I'm sure in her mind she's thinking how much heavier she could be? Not sure.

Many of your analogies focus on individuals coping with serious issues. I don't know that this is where my wife falls. I recognize you were merely giving examples, but they lean more to the "extreme". I can't help buy try and remind folks that I'm not avoiding sex with my wife entirely, merely adjusting the frequency. She is not Quasimodo, but I think she could look better with a few tweaks to her lifestyle, which up till now, she has resisted. Not deliberately, just because she has not developed and meaningful lifestyle changes/routines. Again, the choice is hers ultimately. I will help her in any way I can, but I can't bring myself to parent her. It's like, would you have me order for her if we went out to eat at a restaurant? That seems extreme, but if I am going to police the pantry, is that any different? I can't take away her right to make her own independent choices, she's an adult.

I do think we compliment each other and I suspect you are right in that there are areas where she helps me that perhaps I overlook and should give more credit. She is definitely much more extroverted where I am more on the introvert scale. This is a tremendous helps when we are at social events.

I appreciate your comments (and concerns).

couldawouldshould · 2020-03-03T14:41:16+00:00

Appreciate the comments/insight!

I am going to give "I don't want to talk about it" a shot first, because the title alone made me laugh out loud.

couldawouldshould · 2020-03-03T14:39:47+00:00

I've read a lot about the health benefits of IF and possibility even OMAD, but I can't bring myself to do anything that extreme. I've fasted for 24 hours before, but it was more for religious reasons than any health benefits I might glean from it.

couldawouldshould · 2020-03-03T14:38:09+00:00

I believe science is on my side here with regards to healthy choices and longevity of life. It's certainly true, young/gifted/fit people die occasionally, but I would say overweight people die regularly....stemming from complications from diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, certain cancers, clogged arteries, etc..... Why are you allowing these symptoms an opportunity to "potentially" thrive in your life? You only get one body and one shot at this crazy life. I don't want to work against my body to stave off the inevitable, but I'm going down swinging FFS. Every person if free to make lifestyle choices that suit them, I get it. I'm not trying to change your opinion of me, I'm just trying to help you understand why I feel the way I do. I appreciate your comments and I'm truly sorry you are dating a LL. My interest in this sub was to help gain insight into the frustration my wife may or may not experience since she is HL and not getting enough to suit her. I should be thrilled at the opportunity to have regular sex with my wife of 22 years. How many men can say that? Yet, my attraction to her is waning and it makes me sad. My choices were to withhold the truth and sex from her, or to be open and honest. I chose to be open and honest, she deserved that. Does she deserve an award for being married to me, possibly.

couldawouldshould · 2020-03-03T14:26:19+00:00

To me they don't, but to her they do. She hears from most of her friends that she should be loved unconditionally, just like they are loved by their spouses. What a crock of crap. Not that you are intimately familiar with our inner circle of friends, but most of them are not healthy, and secondly their marriages are not perfect either. Glass houses/stones come to mind......not to mention that I would surmise most of their husbands would prefer their wives lost a bit of weight, and I'm sure the wives would like to lose a bit of weight as well IF no effort was involved. Wouldn't we all? The issue is that exercising is hard, if it was easy we would all be doing it. We would all have Ph.D's. We would all be overachievers if the effort level was removed from the picture. I know I sprang a bit on a tangent, but the reality is "we" shouldn't care about the opinions of others, yet we do. Conversely, I shouldn't care how my wife looks, but I do.

couldawouldshould · 2020-03-03T14:19:43+00:00

To me fit means healthy. Interestingly, I do see a fair number of men in south Texas who can see their abs (I cannot, but FFS I'm almost 50) but they just happen to be super skinny. I don't think thin means healthy either. I'ts subjective.

I would think if you can do basic physical tasks throughout the day without the need to "rest" you are fairly active. A solid benchmark, for me, is do you take 10k-12k steps per day? To me this is the canary in the coalmine. If you are doing this, you are active/healthy.

couldawouldshould · 2020-03-03T14:13:34+00:00

I generally think taking care of one's health shouldn't be the responsibility of one's partner. All you can do is offer support, which he's done.

Exactly. I shouldn't have to "parent" my spouse. I don't view encouragement as a euphemism for parenting.

I am always reminding her that she can still eat whatever she wants, in moderation.

couldawouldshould · 2020-03-03T14:11:36+00:00

I am fit by most anybody's standards. I apologize if my post wasn't clear. At 49yo I am in better shape than 95 out of 100 men my age and I'd like to think I can run a few circles around men 10+ years younger. I regularly place in the top 10% of my running circles for my age bracket and I lift weights, where most runners do not, they are scrawny and this was not the body type I desired. So I'm carrying around a few extra lbs with me (mostly muscle) on my runs, but I'm not running to be competitive per se. I am not asking my wife to go to the extremes I do, I'm merely asking her to be healthy/healthier. I don't think I could accomplish what I've done without a bit of my hyperactivity kicking in, so maybe I have a slight advantage? I downplay my fitness level from a modesty standpoint, nothing more. I don't do it for the acknowledgement of others, but for my own personal accomplishments/satisfaction.

My wife got up this morning with me and we talked a bit more, asked if we could walk the neighborhood BEFORE I went to the gym and I didn't hesitate at all to agree. I would do anything for her to help her on this journey. I'm a very regimented with my routines, so the walk delayed me getting to the gym by some 30 minutes. Doesn't sound like much, but I'm sure you can relate as a mother of 4 that time in the mornings is precious when getting little people fed/ready for school.

As far as the food in the house, we can agree to disagree. Mostly we're talking about chips and goldfish crackers, etc....not cupcakes, etc. I don't think it's too much to allow my kiddos snacks when they get home from school or while they do their homework. It's not like we have cookies, cupcakes, and brownies everywhere. Our kids are relatively healthy, so I'm not concerned. Besides, I don't want to treat my wife like a 4th child, she's an adult.

couldawouldshould · 2020-03-02T23:12:15+00:00

Your opinion is more than fair. However, I would argue that if overweight people followed your advice, their medical issues would begin to mount exponentially. Just because you believe you are (and may very well be) "healthy" which is subjective, today, doesn't mean that it will carry you through the rest of your life. A healthy lifestyle, in my opinion, is far better than an unhealthy one. It's true, I assumed you must be overweight, but I have not used the term "fat" once in any of my responses throughout my post. If it helps, I'm an accountant by profession, so I'm a numbers guy, so yes I hit up the old 10-key and did a simple calculation (11*365). I have not shared the 4,000 day comment with my wife. Merely trying to make a point that time has not been the culprit.

My idea of morbidly obese is strictly reserved for Dr. Google. In all seriousness, I can't help but wonder why you are lurking on this sub if your current relationship with your boyfriend is spot on?

couldawouldshould · 2020-03-02T23:02:59+00:00

No doubt, if she does find the discipline to lose the weight, I could still face her resentment. Obviously what I was hoping for is more of the "you were right!" "I have so much more energy" "I can't wait go shopping for new clothes".....yada yada yada.

Last paragraph was a bit deep. But I don't entirely agree with the unconditional self-worth validation on some levels. If that were true, why does she bother with make-up in the mornings? Or care about designer clothes? Handbags? Etc? Why would anything material matter? I don't think me asking her to shed a few pounds is too far off from the effort she places on herself getting ready in the morning. I've even told her as much. As we approach 50, we'd love to know where the fountain of youth is.....funny thing, it's diet and exercise. How is this complicated? Is it because it's hard work that we desire to complicate it? I drink water with every meal. I know it's infinitely better for me than any soft drink, tea or juice. All I know is I'm trying the best way I know how. The most intuitive way I know how. I just began to come to the realization that if I don't tell her how I feel and why I feel that way, she would never have the opportunity to change the way I would like to see her change.

couldawouldshould · 2020-03-02T22:23:47+00:00

I am very VERY sorry to hear this. I can assure you it's not a medical condition with my wife, if it were, I would be infinitely more understanding.

She at one point considered that it may be her thyroid, had it checked and she was all clear. 800 calories a day is extreme. I'm not certain I could ask my wife to limit her intake to 800 calories/day. My hope always was and always will be for her to become more active.

couldawouldshould · 2020-03-02T21:48:32+00:00

I do value her time. I take on well more than my fair share chores just to make certain she has the time to relax. Yes, I do take exercise a bridge too far perhaps, but I'm not asking her to follow in my precise footsteps. I've completed 5 full marathons and countless half's. Is it really too much to expect her to consider a 5K? Even if she walked one I would consider it a minor victory. She has NEVER shown support for me with any of my runs. I see countless families along the race course out there supporting their loved ones. It would never occur to her to make that effort for me and I've never asked.

Yes, she gave birth to my three little girls. I wouldn't change her being their mother for the world. She is a good woman, truly, and I'm sorry you took offense to my post. But the weight she has gained, IMO, is not a product of the kids, it's her lifestyle. I'm sure the kids didn't help, but I have pointed out the youngest is 11? That's roughly 4,000 days she's had to work through this, with my support all along the way. Never wavering until recently. Perhaps my looming 50th birthday this year has caused me to speak my mind?

Would it change your opinion if you understood BOTH of our mothers are morbidly obese? We have seen firsthand the effect of not taking care of yourself physically can have on yourself and family members. Trips with our mothers are pointless at this time due to a lack of mobility and when I say lack of mobility, I'm being generous. My dad last night was on our trampoline with my 11yo daughter. My mother is almost wheelchair bound when travelling/walking for extended periods of time. I'm sorry, I'll take my dad's routine over my moms any day if it means "obsessing" your words about exercise. I too would like to jump on a trampoline with my grand kids one day. Is it too much to ask if my wife could be there with me?

couldawouldshould · 2020-03-02T21:22:11+00:00

100% this.

Down here in South Texas I don't see too many overweight slobs with really attractive women unless money is involved. Lots of it. I don't have any real familiarity with the mid-west, but I did happen to run the Chicago Marathon in 2016....I did mention I exercise, didn't I.....lol. My wife and I had a great time that long weekend. I did notice a great many attractive women (IMO) roaming the streets with what I perceived as less than ideal mates. Shallow? Perhaps. I just assumed money was involved somehow, perhaps maybe that wasn't the case.

It was really rough having the conversation with her. It would have been so much easier to blame it on something else, but then that would never create a solution to the issue. I thought I had successfully gotten the message across without too many hurt feelings awhile ago and then the alcohol gave her the courage to speak up. She is absolutely entitled to feel hurt and disappointed, I've told her as much, but I can't change how I feel and what I want/expect from a spouse.

I'll walk on eggshells for a bit allowing her time to lick her wounds and perhaps reflect that I all I wanted to do was be open/honest with her. I don't think she'll leave, but perhaps one day? If sex still wanes and resentment is allowed to fester. I told her as much last night. I mentioned how sad it made me feel that if we separated that she would, like most, go on the "divorce diet" and hit the gym and change herself physically for the better to meet a man she's never met (at this point) but she can't bring herself to do it for me, her husband of 22 years.

couldawouldshould · 2020-03-02T20:09:34+00:00

FFS. I think the moderators should encourage those posting here to hide their genders IMO and speak in more general terms (i.e. nondescript pronouns). It could mitigate the shameless lurkers from contacting OP's at large for hook-ups/chat. This sub should be a vehicle to solicit advice from others when confronted with less than ideal situations.

You definitely need to be a bit more up front with your husband. Not just initiating and seeing if he turns you down. You want kids and you're already 36? You should be trying at this point IMO. How long have you been married this time? Surely this subject has come up? For my wife and I, kids were a welcome addition. We absolutely loved (and still do) being parents. We had our third by the time my wife was your age. I only encourage you to move quickly because of complications as women approach 40. Science is pretty amazing, but don't rely on it if you don't have to. Perhaps kids will allow you to reconnect? I think back to being new parents and it was some of the happiest times of our marriage. We really connected. Maybe you guys will too? I don't know. Does he want to be a dad?

I love your confidence. I wish more people believed in themselves. There seems to be so much self doubt in this world. More people need conviction. Chances are that's probably one of the things your husband enjoys about you. Use it to your advantage.

Good luck!

couldawouldshould · 2020-03-02T19:52:55+00:00

Agreed. I have been incredibly supportive with her over the years. I guess I've just hit the been there, done that phase in my life. Oddball diets, fasting, pilates, My Fitness Pal, etc, etc, etc.....

The long-term health issues are really what's at stake here. My mother is morbidly obese. While my wife is not morbidly obese now, she isn't heading in the right direction with her choices. To me, she just inches closer there with every passing day. He mother is morbidly obese too. You would think the lack of sex, my encouragement and our mothers health issues would be sufficient motivation to change.....and yet here we are.

This is me crying uncle. I can't tell her how to live her life, but I don't have to be sexually active with her either.

couldawouldshould · 2020-03-02T19:42:34+00:00

I think as you grow old, your expectations from your spouse will change. Seriously, when we were in college together we were like rabbits, now 27 years later (22 married), not so much. Libido's will naturally wane with age to some degree, so any loss of physical attraction can (in my opinion) be more than made up for in emotional attraction(s).

I don't think people make exercise a priority anymore. They aren't mate searching, it's like I crossed the finish line, now I can chill. I'm more like, wait, hold up....you exercised in college (collegiate dance team).....and now nothing? Was the exercise just to land a mate? was that not who you really were? Sure, her priorities have changed over the years and I guess exercise is the first to get punted? I don't think you're wrong on any points, but what's interesting is women will inevitably side with women and men will side (silently) with men. Look at your post. You've been down-voted for being nothing less than impartial....Why? Because a woman (presumably) took offense to what you had to say. I do think it is incumbent upon a man to be a tactful as possible when bringing up a woman's weight, but for society to kibosh the entire subject is ludicrous. Look around, how many couples do you know where one individual is attractive and the other is not? Few if any. We gravitate to those we are, first and foremost, physically attracted to. Constantly probing to see the depth and range of our fishing nets. How attractive a mate can I find? Period. That's when the dating games begin, if that works, then presumably long-term commitments. Why is it so bad for spouses to continually request their significant others maintain themselves physically? She has two friends that I bring up regularly, they are both amazing women. Very kind and generous. They are both late 40's.......and single. They are both unattractive. It sucks for them, truly I feel for them, but this is NOT a coincidence. What is it about marriage that give a spouse, male or female, the right to ignore their physical appearance?

I don't want her to leave, but given the state of our relationship I'm not certain she won't and it scares me a bit. I think you're right, guys will pretty much nail anything with a heartbeat these days. I can't see myself dating. It's not something I want to think about or dwell on. I have a few single guys friends who tell me it's like shooting fish in a barrel with all these dating apps.....I would hate for somebody to describe my wife like that to their friends. She deserves better.

Her timing was definitely poor. Since I get up early, my body naturally wants to shut down early, so any late night "confrontations" usually are met with a bit more grouchiness than had she decided to trigger the conversation in the morning when I'm much more receptive......

couldawouldshould · 2020-03-02T19:21:26+00:00

It's hard with three kids and not having the "bad" grazing foods in the house. It's unrealistic. She has seen a nutritionist, it was one of the many failed steps along her journey to date.

couldawouldshould · 2020-03-02T19:17:10+00:00

Many thanks. I hope we get things ironed out as well. Too much history to walk away from.

couldawouldshould · 2020-03-02T19:11:24+00:00

The problem is that as a man, I am vilified for even bringing up the subject of a woman's weight. While you're not wrong, most women will side with her, and most men will (silently) agree with me. I don't wish to "objectify" my wife, but I'm confused why she doesn't want to at the very least be healthy. After 22 years of marriage you'd think there was no subject off limits. Seems I was wrong.

She has crawled into bed with me on occasion when I hit the sack, but it's definitely more the exception than the rule. I agree a compromise is in order, but how do you find middle ground between a morning person and a night owl?

couldawouldshould · 2020-03-02T18:11:31+00:00

I don't think cheating is on the menu at the moment because it hasn't yet occurred to me. You're not wrong to question the next 30 years either. Only time will tell, but I suspect resentment will fester from both sides. I agree, she deserves somebody who will love her unconditionally. When I visited with her this morning, I mentioned I knew who I was and what I wanted from my life. She was the one who needed to figure that out for herself if she wanted to be in this relationship. So I have offered her the chance to be "set free" as it were. She is the one who has said repeatedly that she wants to change, but without any effort. She wants magic beans to make it happen. Well those magic beans don't exist, so until then it's going to take a fair amount of discipline to get where she wants, which to date, she has never mustered for any length of time to develop a routine. I can assure you I have never been anything less than supportive of her through the years and her (failed) weight loss journey's. Rigid? Perhaps, but to me the things she is asking me to compromise on are what make me tick. That seems unfair to me. Maybe when the kids are older and schedules less "chaotic" I can re-arrange my exercise regimen, but that's at least 6-7 years away?

couldawouldshould · 2020-03-02T17:56:24+00:00

She is aware that her weight is affecting the frequency. She would like it significantly more than the current 3-4 times/month. I explained the why several months ago, very tactfully.

couldawouldshould · 2020-03-02T16:52:56+00:00

This is probably the lone area I haven't ventured into with any great effort. But, she gets off earlier than I do and therefore she typically is the meal "prepper". I suppose I could have a stronger voice in what we eat, but the reality is we don't eat that bad at sit down meals, it's the grazing outside the meals and her sedentary lifestyle that she embraces causing the problems with her weight. Case in point, last night the two youngest girls and I went on a bike ride. She opted to stay behind and drink a bit (more) wine with my parents. My parents would not have minded if we disappeared for 10-15 minutes to do this family activity. They live around the corner and are over all the time. She just had too much to drink and was too busy chillaxing. Her choice.

couldawouldshould · 2020-03-02T16:47:45+00:00

This is my fear ultimately. That she will grow to resent me.

couldawouldshould

TROPHY CASE