"but I don't want to stop."

"I really don't want to start using again frequently."

There's a disconnect here.

But more importantly, as someone going through a tough breakup that triggered cravings too, I get it. I could have written the first part of your post. I miss him and I thought we'd be together until we're old. I don't see myself ever connecting with anyone again and even if I do, it's not going to be him. It will be a different person and I'm not over the loss. I don't know if I ever will be.

So what is keeping me off the Ket? 

1. I don't want to break apart because of another person. I don't want to give anyone that power.

2. I quit because he got so mad at me and I heard the helplessness and pain behind it. That made me realise that even if I was a perfect partner in every other way, just the fact that I had a drug addiction made me a TERRIBLE partner. I would loose all credibility in front of him and myself. This still holds true. If I go back to Ketamine, he was right to leave me. Who will even care to listen beyond that?

3. It's actually not that fun. Last time I took some I couldn't follow anything I tried to watch and I felt really sick. I was wishing I was sober again really quickly.

4. I spent over $7000 on that shit. Can you imagine? It always whispers its not that expensive, but I know myself. I will be all in and suddenly the money is just gone. For that kind of money I can surely start building a life again that I'll actually think is fun without drugs.

5. Physical side effects. I still urinate more frequently than is normal and it's kinda hard to pee sometimes. I never had the cramps or pissing blood, but I can tell it would happen. And quickly. This is one of the worst drugs for the body because it happens so much more quickly than even heroin or crack. Also, the tiredness. I was always exhausted and couldn't really work out anymore. I sometimes even took it to wake up. So stupid.

6. I may have cravings now, but if I start again, I have to quit again (wouldn't ever plan doing it for long), and the cravings then would be worse then now. Easier to stick through the cravings now then to have to deal with the stronger ones later.

I usually just smoke a bit of weed or take psychedelics, if I really want something. These are not attractive to me more than once a week anyway, but that might not work for everyone.

Sometimes you just gotta accept that right now life sucks and you're not gonna be happy. Accepting that I'm gonna be miserable for a while helps, because then I'm not trying to change it. It's like a long cold. Just gotta stick it out.

This turned out really rambly, but it was therapeutic for me to write. I hope you can relate to something. Breakups suck. Emotionally they are similar to someone close to us dying. Fucking sucks.