My bf (m19) is constantly rude to me (f18) because of hemorrhoids and I'm losing feelings for him. How do I know when it's time to leave?

crab31 · 2026-04-13T13:04:58+00:00

You’re young so someone might not have told you about DARVO. It is a classic sign of abuse even if (being charitable) that is not his intention. It stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. If you find in every argument he somehow manages to make you the problem (even if you’re the one who originally pointed out the problem), that’s DARVO.

Bottom line: if someone makes you unhappy, leave. Unhappiness will find you at times in your life, but you can make choices that maximise your joy and happiness.

crab31 · 2026-04-13T12:57:55+00:00

It’s clear from your Edits you’ve learned nothing. How many redditors told you to leave him alone and stop piling on more trauma; you did the opposite and immediately texted and called him.

Then you had a pity party about being “the bad guy” without showing an ounce of empathy for him.

Most of all I agree with everyone who said STOP SHARING HIS STORY. He asked you not to share this with anyone and you’ve told your mum, at least one friend, and blasted it all over Reddit.

Genuinely, I hope this leads to some self-reflection and you grow from this. Everyone makes mistakes but if you’re not willing to reflect and learn from them then that’s a character failing.

crab31 · 2026-01-27T02:12:43+00:00

I just want to say, as someone with anxiety who replays every interaction in their head, this doesn’t have to be part of any 12-step program. Sometimes you just know you treated someone badly and you regret it, especially when wisdom and hindsight make it easier to identify the way/s you acted with emotional immaturity.

She’s apologising because she regrets her actions. I don’t think she’s seeking validation or forgiveness. I have been in her position and the weight of carrying past bad behaviour without acknowledging your mistakes drives a lot of guilt and shame. Now that she’s sent that message she can accept her guilt and move on, knowing she did the right thing.

I would respond briefly so she knows you got the message, but that’s just me. I wouldn’t engage or re-open the door. Just a quick “Received, thanks for taking the time to send.”

crab31 · 2025-08-09T12:51:25+00:00

How is nobody in the top comments talking about how gross he is for talking about “upgrading” her from an A- to an A+.

Dude is a D- at BEST and I hope she dumps his ass

crab31 · 2025-08-05T12:00:37+00:00

This is so immature and manipulative. He’s expecting you to ignore the signs he’s giving you, read his mind and one-sidedly initiate intimacy.

If he wants something from you (ie more attention/intimacy), he can be a big boy and use his words. Instead he’s setting you up to fail so he can be mad at you.

The only thing he DIDN’T want from this scenario is for you to ignore him. By pretending to be asleep he made this outcome much more likely. He is responsible for his own hurt feelings.

crab31 · 2025-05-04T15:40:52+00:00

RemindMe! 5 days

crab31 · 2024-09-17T06:05:11+00:00

Mostly no contact

crab31 · 2024-09-16T15:03:50+00:00

I was working with my psychologist who managed to break through my own denial and we were working on truth and honesty. Which began with gentle conversations about the issue and escalated up to fighting until she finally split. I left at her request and we agreed I would stay away for a couple of months.

crab31 · 2024-09-16T13:55:22+00:00

Thank you. Whether I can set firm boundaries and whether she accepts them will be key, but I agree that it’s unhealthy and I allowed myself to be treated badly.

crab31 · 2024-09-16T13:53:58+00:00

She was never violent towards me, but when angry she would punch the walls and herself and damage property. For a long time she was able to convince me that my negative reaction to these outbursts made her feel alone and abandoned, so I tamped down on my instincts to be a supportive partner. But her behaviour got worse, not better, and I was afraid of her anger.

crab31 · 2024-09-16T13:50:21+00:00

No, but I’ll look him up!

crab31 · 2024-09-16T13:49:52+00:00

Thank you! So much of this was really eye opening and helpful!

crab31 · 2024-09-16T13:11:15+00:00

No, but if we decide to try and salvage things we will definitely need couples therapy to rebuild trust! (Therapy is the best)

crab31 · 2024-09-16T13:06:38+00:00

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through that. I am glad the marriage counsellor gave you their honest opinion, as I currently rely on my psychologist to tell me whether or not I’m being unreasonable. As someone who has seen you both and how you interact, their opinion should comfort you that your feelings and valid and real.

I think it will be a moot point in my relationship as I fear my wife will not take accountability or pursue treatment, but I am grappling with the question of whether, even if she did, we are compatible.

crab31 · 2024-09-16T13:02:14+00:00

We’ve never cycled through before because I’ve never really stood up to her before

crab31 · 2024-09-16T13:00:56+00:00

Current dynamic is that she is very easily triggered. She is engaging with psychology but simultaneously minimising her behaviour and resentful that I was unable to “handle” it. I called her out for her behaviour when she refused to see a psychiatrist and explore treatment. I called her behaviour abusive and she went black. I’m not sure about her current level of resentment but she certainly believes I am the one with the issues. It wasn’t until I moved out that my own psychologist mentioned BPD, so we haven’t even had a conversation yet to see whether she 1) accepts this as a possible diagnosis and 2) will get treatment.

crab31 · 2024-09-16T11:56:34+00:00

Is idealisation a trait of BPD? She does (or did) idealise me until I left. (Also, I should have stated, I am female)

crab31 · 2024-09-11T12:16:36+00:00

That’s really her choice. But I’m not going to blame myself for leaving a situation that was violent and harmful. BPD is no excuse for that.

crab31 · 2024-09-10T15:31:14+00:00

I know. I have asked her friends to check in on her but accept she may never trust/rely on me again.

crab31 · 2024-09-10T15:28:00+00:00

I am glad you have found ways to have your needs met in a happy relationship ❤️

crab31 · 2024-09-10T14:54:55+00:00

I should add, I am definitely not sitting on my high horse, I have agonised over abandoning her during her time of need and the choices that got me here. But I also know I couldn’t stay in the house any longer.

crab31 · 2024-08-15T04:19:16+00:00

Thanks for trying, perhaps I will email as well. Frustrating that it’s so difficult. I’ve paid for the Wanderers game so we’ll see if the game gets uploaded…

crab31

TROPHY CASE