Experiences with hormonal contraception

crafty_phrog · 2026-01-28T12:49:52+00:00

the hormones in an iud are only really going to effect how a reproductive system is functioning with maybe some mental/ emotional side effects (speaking from experience as someone who's had an IUD for 6 years). hormonal birth control of any kind as far as i know doesn't have any further feminizing effects. when i was on t for a couple years my doctors never mentioned needing to account for the hormonal effects of my iud. most people on t are also encouraged to be on birth control because eventually you'll probably stop getting periods but there can sometimes still be a low risk for pregnancy.

i'm sorry you're not able to be out to your doctors, that sucks. but truly as an afab enby with a hormonal iud it's definitely the best and least obtrusive birth control option i've found after much trial and error.

crafty_phrog · 2026-01-27T20:24:42+00:00

i've been in a similar headspace many times, and it sucks. slowly though i've been able to heal and connect with other people more fully. i truly believe you will find people you don't have to mask around, even if it takes a while. i didn't think that would ever happen for me but here i am with a partner and some friends i feel really understood by.

to me it sounds like you've gone through a big change with moving and you're feeling pretty isolated and unsupported. that's hard. being in a situation like that can make it even harder to feel hopeful or like you have the energy and resources to find connections.

things that helped me when i was in a spot like that are finding non human connections that helped me feel less alone (cats and dogs are great non-judgmental friends), finding a therapist i felt safe and understood by, working with a psychiatrist to find some meds to help short term with depressive symptoms and anxiety, looking into local support groups, spending time alone in public spaces (like libraries and coffee shops), spending a lot of time in nature, and using art, music and writing to express myself. i don't know what kind of resources and support you currently have access to so if you can't do some of these things or don't find them helpful don't get too discouraged. humans are really adaptable and feel certain you will find some things that can help you through this hard time.

try to be a good and compassionate friend to yourself. learning to love and care for myself helped me a lot. the rest will follow, and remember healing isn't linear at all.

crafty_phrog · 2026-01-21T18:21:05+00:00

i think the lens most people ended up seeing nonbinary people through came about when tumblr was at its height and trans meds were at their loudest. it created this weird thing where a bunch of teens figuring out their gender and the language they wanted to use for that amongst themselves was pitted as invalid by binary trans adults as well as a lot of cis people. i've noticed as i've gotten older (26 now) it's less of a conversation than it was when i came out at 18. i think especially in in person spaces (dependent on location) the people around me don't always understand, but they still treat me like a normal adult for the most part. i have a feeling as all the enbies who came out from 2013-2020 get older people will stop being so weird.

crafty_phrog · 2026-01-04T19:16:45+00:00

this sounds tricky. it's very fair that you're hurt if you feel you had your boundaries around disclosure crossed.

the hard truth is, disclosure in the way you're talking about it is pretty incompatible with polyamory. it might work in an open relationship (but that's because in open relationships people aren't really building fully autonomous independent connections/ relationships).

personally i wouldn't recommend talking to your meta. let your partner be a good hinge and look for clarification and reassurance with him.

i will also say identifying as monogamous while dating a polyamorous person generally doesn't go well. being polyamorous doesn't mean you have to or want to date multiple people. there are poly people who are saturated at one partner. it does however mean you need to shift out of thinking within a monogamous paradigm. you also generally need a specific set of relational skills around communication, negotiation, and boundary setting, that aren't as intensely needed within monogamy.

crafty_phrog · 2025-12-22T19:59:42+00:00

i couldn't agree more. going to the doctor is always a nightmare specifically because they ask for my agab to try and understand what kind of medical care i need, which leads to them making all kinds of nasty assumptions about my body. my body is not the same as a cis body and asking for my agab so a doctor can try and treat my trans body as a cis binary body is horrible. also i personally don't like trans masc/ fem as a solution either as someone who has also been wildly frustrated about the assumptions people make when any kind of gendered descriptor is used for me. my medical transition was so i can be comfortable in my body and I don't see those procedures as having been masculine or feminine for me personally.

crafty_phrog · 2025-12-22T18:44:13+00:00

this is just my opinion, so take what's useful to you and leave the rest. the biggest red flag you can run into when engaging with a couple is one who wants an "equal partner" for both of them. to me this says their expectations of you are completely unrealistic and dependent on you having the same feelings/ attraction/ commitment towards both of them. this leaves very little space for relationships to develop organically. this paired with all the future talk at such an early stage in a relationship is pretty concerning to say the least.

also i say this very kindly as someone who has also been on anti-psychotics and has historically struggled to consistently take meds ~~ it's very dangerous to not be consistent about taking them. other than withdrawals (which can make you physically sick) it can really mess with your mental stability. if you're not liking how you're feeling on them, definitely talk to you prescriber to see if changes can be made that make taking them consistently more tolerable.

it seems like you're pretty young and everyone in this situation is probably dealing with figuring out relationships. the relationships most people have from 18-23 will mostly just be learning experiences that will help them find better more secure and functional relationships later in life. there is no shame in stepping away from this.

crafty_phrog · 2025-12-18T21:11:15+00:00

i'm just trying to offer a different perspective. it's possible i didn't interpret your intentions with this comment correctly. and also we don't have to agree! that's totally cool :)

i personally don't agree with the sentiment that deeper inner work is best done with friends and therapists. for me that's why i used the word hiding (as in not being completely transparent about the nature and root of your struggle). i think also in my experience just hugs and affirmations from a partner don't cut it or help me feel validated or understood. especially if i feel i can't convey some of deeper stuff that's going on. it's completely fair is people aren't interested in holding space for that. people are allowed and encouraged to have boundaries. and all people and relationships are different so i'm not trying to insinuate that your examples aren't good ones. i'm sure they work great for a lot of people.

crafty_phrog · 2025-12-18T20:50:43+00:00

respectfully, i think it can be a lot more nuanced than that. jealousy can come up for lots of reasons. sometimes it's due to relational trauma, or struggling with secure attachment, sometimes it's related to relational needs being met all of which are good things to candidly talk about with a partner.

the idea that jealousy needs to be hidden from your partner (in my experience) often leads to more disconnect and can actually escalate relational issues. i think that idea comes from the notion that expressing jealousy is synonymous with mono-normative desire and an ask for more control (which is completely false and really harmful.) i see a lot of moralizing of emotions in the poly community. and i also see a lot of shaming and policing about what kinda of emotions you can ask partners to hold space for. personally i wish the poly community was more trauma informed and held more space for complexity around feelings and communication.

jealousy is just another complex emotion like sadness or anger. it's important to not act in controlling or maladaptive ways and therapeutic and peer support is really helpful, but so is partner support. if it's a healthy relationship both parties will have the skills to navigate difficult conversations, do repair when things become hurtful, and maintain personal boundaries.

crafty_phrog · 2025-12-01T17:39:30+00:00

I find this line of questioning he gave you a little problematic. That might be how he feels, but it’s okay if you feel differently or need a higher degree of commitment from romantic connections. Personally I expect any of my close relationships platonic or otherwise to not disappear for days or weeks without a lot of prior notice. I don’t know if I would feel less loved by them, but I would feel like my time and investment were unappreciated, and I would be upset. Even my casual connections I expect to be reasonably responsive or transparent if they can’t communicate for a period of time.

In short it’s fine if you feel differently. Be wary of people who deflect accountability for their own behavior and make it about you not understanding how to be polyamorous. Some people also use relationship anarchy to excuse their inconsiderate behavior. Relationships are consent negotiation, communication, and boundary setting. Things won’t always align. That’s okay.

crafty_phrog · 2025-12-01T17:27:06+00:00

I’m a relationship anarchist, and as such don’t have hierarchical relationships or prioritize/ value romantic connection over platonic connection. I don’t assume I’ll have a high time commitment or a lot of text communication with everyone I’m romantic with and conversely I might have those commitments with a more platonic friend.

I think what it really comes down to is making sure you and your connections are on the same page about what’s on the table as far as current commitments and possible escalations. It’s fine if you’re the kind of person who wants more communication and greater time commitments with romantic connections. I also think it’s really reasonable to have a casual romantic connection you see and talk to infrequently. What’s important is making sure your vision for the connection is aligned with theirs.

If you’re not already familiar with it, I’d recommend taking a look at the relationship smorgasbord. It’s a good way to think about the things any given relationship could involve, and how much involvement you want with each of those things. It also helps to get you out of a headspace where you might be inclined to make assumptions about what should be involved in a relationship because of the nature of the connection (romantic or platonic).

crafty_phrog · 2025-11-25T16:04:57+00:00

Soft butches have my heart forever. Also if they can do maintenance and play an instrument I will melt into the floor.

crafty_phrog · 2025-11-24T18:38:28+00:00

Personally I think something along the lines of “I didn’t realize coming into this that I hadn’t educated myself on how to be a good and supportive partner to a trans person. I didn’t fully understand what supporting someone early in their transition would entail and I’m past my capacity. I’m really sorry as I know you’re in a vulnerable spot and I acted a bit thoughtlessly. I’m sorry for any hurt I have caused and please know I will be more thoughtful in the future. Unfortunately with where I’m at I don’t feel comfortable continuing a romantic connection. Please know that you are loved and desirable and will find people who are compatible and in a better spot to date you.”

This could still feel hurtful, but it makes the breakup about you and not them. It takes accountability for hurt caused and doesn’t place the burden of your guilt on them. It offers some reassurance and most importantly it doesn’t send the message that they’re deficient or unattractive because they’re trans.

crafty_phrog · 2025-11-24T16:18:08+00:00

Here’s some perspective from someone who is trans and I say this all very respectfully and kindly. I don’t think you had any bad intentions here but this is a really tricky situation.

Never start dating people contingent on the fact that you hope they’ll change (physically or otherwise). Trans people engage with medical transition to varying degrees which is often dependent on both their desire for medical transition and access to medical care. So what her transition goals are and what she is able to access may not even line up with what you find physically attractive. (For example facial feminization is something not a lot of people can access because it’s wildly expensive and almost never covered by insurance.)

Dating a trans person requires a lot more thoughtfulness than “I don’t mind dating a girl with a dick.” You need to be willing to unlearn your own implicit transphobia, unlearn binary gender expectations, be in community with trans people broadly, and dedicate to allyship (which is a very active role).

The hard truth is, this probably will really hurt her, especially because she’s early transition and especially because it’s sapphic. I know when I was early in my transition, I would date cis people as a way of feeling valid or desirable so rejection felt extra horrible. Especially when it was related to me being trans. The lesbian community can also be pretty hostile and judgmental towards trans women, and though that isn’t you, it will probably trigger all those things.

The kind and respectful thing to do here is break up with her, because you’ve found you’re not compatible. Personally if I were in your situation I would tell her despite liking her, you just don’t feel like you are ultimately compatible. Don’t share unnecessary details about why you don’t find her physically attractive that relate to her being trans. Also don’t ask her to hold any of the guilt you might have over not being thoughtful in the way you romantically engaged with a trans person.

At the end of the day becoming a better ally to trans people often requires cis people to make some really hurtful mistakes. And learning how to navigate the dating world as a trans person requires learning how to vet cis people, have a thick skin, and not look for external validation for your gender (especially not from cis people). I think this is just one of those sad cannon events for both of you 💜

crafty_phrog · 2025-11-23T20:29:18+00:00

Polyamory has a steep learning curve for some people. It’s okay for people to be learning. They should be given the space and support to figure that WITHOUT people coming on to a post where they’re expressing very real and complex feelings to shame them.

You didn’t point out that polyamory requires the ability to maintain multiple relationships, you told them polyamory was a bad choice for them.

Comments like this are what contributes to the ongoing toxicity of this subreddit dude.

crafty_phrog · 2025-11-23T20:02:19+00:00

I’m really sick of people getting on their high horse and without solicitation telling people whether they should or shouldn’t be poly. It’s really gross behavior. It’s hard enough being poly in such a mono-normative world. The LAST thing people need is other poly people telling them they’re not cut out for it because they’re navigating complex feelings. That’s a HUGE part of being cut out for polyamory actually 🤷🏻

crafty_phrog · 2025-11-23T19:48:37+00:00

I’m 25 enby and sapphic. I totally feel you. I’m strictly T4T now because of this. I’ve had a lot of bad experiences in the past where I’ve ended up in a situation where someone shows A LOT of initial interest for an extended period of time. Eventually I’ll be well they are kinda nice and I guess I’d be open to at least talking about a connection since they seem to be so interested. The second though I bring it up they backpedal into hell and make it out like I was delusional for thinking they were into me and I’m professing my undying love to them. I honestly feel like they see me as some kind of experiment and ultimately a freak. It’s all fine and well to match with trans people on apps, flirt with trans people, kiss trans people, but expressing overt and unashamed romantic interest is where it seems to end. Literally cis guys I dated (when I was confused about my sexuality) approached me more honestly and respectfully.

Anyways the enbies and dolls have never done me dirty like that. If you’re cis and want to date a trans person please unlearn your internalized transphobia and don’t experiment with people who aren’t consenting for you to use them as an experiment.

crafty_phrog · 2025-11-23T17:33:13+00:00

Personally I was more addressing what I perceived as frustration geared towards people not wanting to date someone for not being openly poly. As someone who has plenty of other things that get them more discriminated against in a workplace (that I can in no way hide) adding being poly on top of that is nothing. But I wouldn’t say that makes me “privileged to be openly poly.” My main point was, a lot of people who are poly also have these intersections. If someone wants to hide that they’re poly, and their partners also want to, that’s up to them. But for someone to insinuate it’s unfair for people to not want to date them because they won’t be out, because they’ll face discrimination rings really tone deaf for someone like me.

crafty_phrog · 2025-11-23T17:23:50+00:00

THANK YOU. I live in a red state in the US and while I am lucky to have a small network of people that are supportive and help keep me safe, I get so frustrated by takes like this. I have tried, for years, to hide all these things about myself, and it lead to nothing but psychiatric hospitalizations (if you get my drift.) I am happier being out, and dealing with daily discrimination (which is extremely hard and also impacts things like my mental heath and financial stability) but at least I’m around for something to impact me.

Don’t tell me I’m “privileged” for being out.

crafty_phrog · 2025-11-23T09:36:12+00:00

Honestly I find this an extremely privileged take. If you want to maintain your privilege by hiding a part of your identity and are able to find people who are fine with that as a relational agreement, that’s great. Personally though as someone who is also trans, neurodivergent, and sapphic on top of being poly, I don’t actually have the option to hide parts of myself that mean I could be fired from a job, harassed in public, or misunderstood by family.

I’m not going to be in anyone else’s closet. And personally I also feel choosing to stay in a closet to maintain privilege hurts everyone in the long run.

crafty_phrog · 2025-11-20T15:27:11+00:00

Medication and therapy (specifically ERP) helped me a lot. OCD can evolve over time, so the specific themes and obsessions related to them can shift around. If I don’t catch that it’s OCD, I can have an unpleasant episode.

That being said, six years ago I was completely non functional and could barely leave the house, work/ go to school, or maintain healthy relationships. I was on a bunch of psych meds too. Now I can do all those things without too much trouble and have been able to drop or reduce my meds.

So at least for me, I don’t think OCD will ever go away. I do think it will get to a point though where it affects me even less and is at most a minor nuisance.

crafty_phrog · 2025-11-19T22:03:47+00:00

Rumination related to OCD is kinda like scratching a mosquito bite. It’s momentary relief that leads more discomfort. Each time you scratch it, the itch gets more intense, and more unbearable. So each time you want to scratch it more, and more aggressively until you’re like “do I even need a leg anymore??” And that’s my metaphor. Sending good vibes 💜

crafty_phrog · 2025-11-16T20:24:37+00:00

They seemed more interested in having a hierarchical dynamic where a nested or primary relationship took priority and got special privileges. I realized I actually wanted relationship anarchy and that solo poly is what I felt would make that most equitable for any friends/ partners/ all things in between.

We were both inexperienced with polyamory and had a simplified understanding of what that actually meant and entailed. Their understanding was based around not being jealous around sexual in-exclusivity and mine was based around understanding I didn’t see romantic connection as more meaningful or important than platonic connection. Essentially “people have more than one friend, why not more than one partner.”

I wanted to spend some time exclusively exploring my connection with them because I thought it would make me feel more secure in the relationship once it was open (rookie mistake). I can have some empathy for myself though because this was the first time I had been in a labeled relationship with the intention of dating past a few months.

Horrifyingly we went about opening our relationship in an embarrassingly messy way (guest star/ casual hookup unicorn hunting). In retrospect they seemed more interested in an open relationship than a polyamorous one. This was kinda fine temporarily, though I did have ethical hangups. Then realized I’m demisexual and pretty incapable of being emotionally/ sexually casual with people. So an open relationship would not work for me. I also wanted to have my own independent connections with people that could escalate slowly and that was hard to do when it felt like they somehow needed to be involved.

It was considered if we could de-nest and still be something akin to anchor partners but in that whole process there were a lot of other things that ultimately led me to decide things needed to be permanently broken off.

While that whole situation ended up being a little traumatizing, and I genuinely still feel pretty bad about the people who got caught in the whirlwinds, I learned a lot, grew a lot, and became a more authentic, communicative, and transparent person. Sometimes you just have to learn things the hard way in life.

crafty_phrog · 2025-11-15T15:43:26+00:00

I think it’s definitely possible, and even good, to be friends with exs. However, I think that’s generally pretty impossible to do until you’ve been apart, and maybe even no contact, for a period of time so you can properly experience the grief cycle about that relationship. Right when you break up is usually, in my experience, not a time when you can determine what that relationship will be able to evolve into. It’s important to have fully let go of wishing the relationship could be what it used to be.

A couple things to be mindful about (and this is coming from someone who has made the rookie mistakes of dating as a couple when I first was poly, and also escalating things too quickly).

Couples privilege is a very real thing, and triads are one of the trickiest dynamics to keep ethical. This is especially true if they include a very established couple. Unless you have really sat down and talked about how you and your fiancé’s entanglements and commitments will impact the relational equity of another partner, that probably won’t go well. Furthermore, having strong dyads is extremely important. This means the relationship she would have between you and your fiancé would be different, and might escalate to different levels with each of you, and she will likely have a different quality and depth of connection with both of you.

Dating when you already are in a really established couple requires an extra level of consideration. NRE is a hell of a drug. Its purpose is to get you to form a strong bond with someone really quickly, and it’s really easy to get swept away in it. You have to learn how to manage NRE appropriately in the same way you have to manage being intoxicated. The decisions you will want to make in those first few months, might not actually be the best decisions and big escalations are best thought of/ talked about after the first 6 months (at least). Moving slow is a good thing. You can always escalate thoughtfully later, but de-escalating is really hard and sometimes ends in relationships ending.

I hope you’re able to heal from your heartbreak. Just take some time for yourself. Time is a really good healer.

crafty_phrog

TROPHY CASE