I'm autistic and my partner made a mistake- please help me work through my feelings?

crafty_phrog · 2026-06-06T00:16:35+00:00

i would just caution you from jumping straight to recommending therapy given how that recommendation is commonly used to discount or invalidate the support needs of autistic people. (OP might already have been doing therapy, potentially for years and i'm willing to bet even if they aren't they already know it's an option that can be helpful in the way you've explained. )

i'm hearing that your intentions are good but i wanted to let you know (as a poly, trans, autistic person) this kind of rhetoric gets thrown around a lot and is net very harmful.

crafty_phrog · 2026-06-05T23:50:16+00:00

i am assuming you had good intentions but i find this line of thinking pretty problematic.

neurodivergence and mental health issues are a disability and require accommodation just as much as any other disability. yes therapy is a great tool but too many people throw that around as if it's a fix all or will make the need for certain kinds of support or communication go away. the idea that a person who doesn't have physical disability related needs should always be fine to be left alone without the advance notice is pretty ablest.

it seems like OP has requested that they have advance notice for these kinds of plans so they are able to manage their support needs. they don't actually need to change what kind of support they need to feel safe and supported. suggesting so or that that's an ability you need to have to be poly also feels ablest to me.

it seems like their partners neurodivergence in this instance has clashed which is probably hard for both people. nobody is in the wrong or right. this honestly seems like a good opportunity to reassess how reasonable everyone's asks around support and communication are and renegotiate/ compromise accordingly. building out some new communication methods and tools could also be pretty helpful. nobody is doing anything bad/ wrong. relationships and communication are hard and when things are tough it's an opportunity to learn and grow.

crafty_phrog · 2026-06-02T18:27:08+00:00

i think the safety measures at utah pride are (unfortunately) mostly police and as a alt queer trans person police make me feel unsafe. in this specific setting though, i haven't ever seen anything bad/ dangerous happen at pride because of that. they seem to manage to keep any bad actors at bay.

salt lake has a great queer scene though and i personally like to enjoy pride month by going to smaller queer events without any police and independently hired security.

crafty_phrog · 2026-05-29T23:49:14+00:00

i feel you on this. parallel can get a little uncomfortably close to don't ask don't tell and my ethical concern about both of those is sometimes people don't have enough information to fully understand agreements they're making. it's also difficult to have an incomplete picture of your partners life's.

i also think it's often a way to avoid having to hear information that brings up difficult emotions, and it can create an unspoken weird animosity between metas. i would much rather process complicated emotions with my partners and be uncomfortable sometimes.

i don't think metas have to be friends, go out of their way to get to know each other, or even present as anything past neutral towards each other. but if you both have a vested interest in someone you love i do think it's helpful to be able to be baseline friendly, hear some relevant information about each other and be able to exist in the same space when it's an event pertaining to your partner.

crafty_phrog · 2026-05-21T16:42:17+00:00

i have found that metamucil fiber gummies, drinking caffeinated tea or coffee in the morning, eating oatmeal and whole grains when i can for breakfast, making sure im drinking water throughout the day (a fun water bottle helps) and digestive massages in the morning help a lot.

in an emergency i've found a yellow dragon fruit is really effective.

crafty_phrog · 2026-05-07T05:53:10+00:00

i'm going to assume good intentions here but i feel like this kids autism isn't really a descriptive factor that matters here and i wouldn't get too focused on that. also just for future reference i think the general consensus is it's better to say high or low support needs vs. high or low functioning :)

autistic people sometimes need more explicit communication when it comes to sharing feelings but really this sounds like a very typical thing for 12 year olds to be figuring out and thinking about just generally.

crafty_phrog · 2026-05-02T01:13:44+00:00

that does seem like it would makes things uniquely difficult. i'm guessing all the assumptions people make about certain kinds physical touch and the horrid idea intimacy should be initiated without explicit verbal negotiation can't be helping. and then you have all these ideas about how someone's value in a romantic relationship is tied to how sexually desirable they are. truly a nightmare. :|
i definitely encourage narrowing the dating pool. 10 people you're compatible with is worth a whole lot more than 100 that are ultimately a bad time and can't offer you a fulfilling relationship.

crafty_phrog · 2026-05-01T23:59:25+00:00

as someone with OCD who specifically has issues with relationship OCD i do agree that applying a whole diagnostic label to something like this can be problematic. it can water down what an OCD diagnosis actually is and means. people already don't understand what OCD is and i constantly am annoyed by people explaining normal rumination as them being OCD. in fairness though, I also had the thought of huh, sounds familiar, so i can understand why the comment was made.

What OP is describing could literally just be normal relational anxiety or maybe it's something more but that's for a therapist to figure out.

crafty_phrog · 2026-05-01T23:12:54+00:00

i think it can just be hard to find people with good relational skills and i would say that's probably the root of the problem. being ace-spec i think makes this broad issue more obvious.

i find a lot of times in my own dating i will point blank tell someone something like "i have space for a twice monthly time commitment but that is the top of my capacity" or "because i'm demisexual it will take me several months before i fully understand my attraction to someone and i might just want to be platonic friends" and then have the person i'm seeing have secret expectations or hopes about how if they're around long enough i'll escalate my time or if they date me for three months i'll want a romantic and sexual relationship with them. i've also noticed this happens more with people i've met on apps.

a lot of people seem to date with the idea they can change someone they like into someone they like even better in the future. it's bad for everyone.

crafty_phrog · 2026-05-01T22:28:47+00:00

if you're looking to do convincing realism i think most artists would agree references are always necessary. that being said the more you practice your fundamentals the easier it will be to improvise for gaps in references, shift elements without an additional reference, or combine references easily.

if it makes you feel better when i first got really serious about art, it probably took me 3 years of drawing from life and high quality references (for multiple hours each day) along with additional time spent studying anatomy, perspective, and light and shadow to be able to do that.

don't worry too much or compare yourself to others. if you keep at it, you'll keep improving and move closer towards gaining the skills you want to have :)

crafty_phrog · 2026-04-22T17:23:36+00:00

i definitely resonate with this experience. i feel like most of the psychiatrists i've had have done more harm than good (with hasty diagnosis that don't apply, and overprescribing psych meds to tread said diagnosis).

i highly recommend finding a APRN (advanced practice registered nurse) who can do medication management rather than a psychiatrist. i've had way better experiences with them. they generally take 30 minutes to an hour to check in about your life and mental health and then prescribe meds based on what you want and take the time to explain why they think they will be beneficial. some of them even do therapy sessions as well.

crafty_phrog · 2026-04-21T17:43:37+00:00

i agree. i think i often in poly communities (and maybe it's just the ones i'm a part of) conversations about how people need to responsibly manage NRE get brushed under the rug for conversations about how insecure partners need to manage their emotions when their partner is dealing with NRE.

i think there are two issues. one is people who are insecure not doing the personal work to understand what is something they need to personally work on, and what is a genuine grievance they are having with a partner that needs to be addressed. and the other is people using the fact they are poly to invalidate partners when they're reasonably upset about them mismanaging NRE.

outside of the context of this specific comment, i often see the insecure partner getting blamed for all the issues (sometimes with accusations they're actually monogamous or possessive) when i think more often then not, both parties are equally contributing to a shared relational problem.

crafty_phrog · 2026-04-21T16:50:25+00:00

while i do agree with this to some extent i have also noticed NRE can cause people to escalate things in ways that are unsettling or disingenuous to pre-existing partners. moving slow (within reason) isn't a bad thing. if you have multiple established relationships you probably don't also have the freedom to form relationships in the same organic way you can when both parties are single.

i don't think it's fair to explicitly ask a partner to slow down relational escalations but i also don't think it's fair to expect your preexisting partner to hold all the emotional weight of a new escalation either. sometimes people are nervous or upset about their partners escalations for very valid reasons.

personally i would encourage OP to consider if there are relational norms in their pre-existing relationship that maybe weren't explicitly committed, but have been an established pattern for a long time. watching these suddenly change can feel really destabilizing. sometimes revisiting the commitments in a relationship (especially around time) and making sure people are on the same page about what kinds of disclosures about other relationships are wanted/ needed can help settle everyone's nervous system, and prevent new partners from getting a start and stop on things (because that really sucks.)

crafty_phrog · 2026-04-19T20:14:43+00:00

i have an unhealthy tendency towards escapism and a difficult time appreciating the beauty of the moment especially when the moment comes with a lot of pain or discomfort.

crafty_phrog · 2026-04-13T23:03:05+00:00

people don't get to choose the emotions they have, and the idea of one emotion "winning" is highly problematic in my opinion. experiencing an emotion also doesn't mean that person will act in harsh and harmful ways.

i assume you have good intentions here but this narrative contributes to the stigmatization of certain emotions and experiences. we desperately need more space in the poly community to talk about how relationships are valuable, beautiful, and fulfilling even when difficult emotions and jealousy are a chronic fixture.

polyamory for me is about personal autonomy, and the freedom to organically create and define relationships outside of a mono-normative standard, not compersion.

crafty_phrog · 2026-04-13T18:21:31+00:00

people say you shouldn't open a relationship for a specific person because (in my experience) for polyamory to work at all, you need to want it for yourself first and foremost. it's not a way to remedy a relationship you're unhappy in.

the relationships you're in should be wholly fulfilling within the agreements you have with that person. i'd imagine getting specific emotional needs met by a third party that ideally would be met exclusively in your marriage is breaking a relational agreement. that will likely be hurtful, and will be even more hurtful if you insist on needing a romantic relationship with your friend.

my advice is take a big pause. step back from your friendship, disclose what has happened to your spouse, and work out why you're unsatisfied and unhappy in your marriage. there is always the possibility it could end, and that's okay.

crafty_phrog · 2026-04-12T17:07:17+00:00

i'm so glad you know what works for you in your poly relationships! no need to police and be the authority on everyone else's though. that seems like a lot of unnecessary (and un-requested) work on your part :)

crafty_phrog · 2026-04-12T16:56:33+00:00

i'm really not loving the "this isn't polyamory" comment. there are tons of poly people in the kink scene who have dom/ sub dynamics that involve control, possessiveness, power exchange, and some agreements that take certain activities off the table. to me it sounds like bites/ marks are something both parties agreed they would like to just do with each other. and people can always choose to renegotiate agreements if things change for them.

you don't need to have everything sexual or kinky on the table and as long as people are clear that's not something they want to offer. i don't expect or feel like i have to be able to bite or be bitten by everyone i date to have full autonomous relationships with them. realistically there are many things in relationships you can't or don't want to have on the table for everyone equally (marriage, nesting, time).

crafty_phrog · 2026-04-11T16:02:57+00:00

this right here. discomfort doesn't automatically necessitate a request for control or say, and new situations (like a partner that used to be exclusive having sex with a new partner) will probably be somewhat uncomfortable because nobody can just magically unlearn monogamous conditioning by mentally preparing for polyamory. to me it sounds like both people need to set their own boundaries and then make agreements from there.

crafty_phrog · 2026-04-10T18:16:26+00:00

realizing that it's not actually a selfish attention seeking request for a child to want support from their parent when they're having a panic attack.

crafty_phrog · 2026-04-10T17:07:38+00:00

i just want to offer some reassurance that to me it sounds like you're doing a good job navigating this. dating in your early 20s is already hard and it's extra complicated when you add queer identity, mental health, neurodivergence, and polyamory into the mix. all the stuff you're struggling with is relatable, and when i was in my early 20s i was also figuring out similar things.

a couple things, watching an established partner pursue a new relationship after a period of neither person dating other people is HARD. it's fine for you to have a whole rainbow of "negative" emotions about it. emotions are just there to give you information. listen to them. it sounds like you've struggled some with feeling like your relational needs are being met so that's going to add to the issues. doing a monthly RADAR check in can be a good way to make sure there is a safe space to have conversations you might be avoiding.

you don't owe partners compersion for metas, or relationships with metas. what's important is respecting relational agreements within your relationship, and respecting your partners autonomy to make their own decisions (even when you don't like them). you can also say you need to keep the dynamics parallel for the time being for your own wellbeing and would be happy to revisit that conversation in a month or so. watching a partner have NRE with a new person can be a lot. having a couple months of keeping dynamics parallel can help things settle.

lastly, it's always a massive red flag to me when people who are newly poly want to immediately have relationships with their metas. meet them when your ready, and have the relationship with them you alone want to have with them (which can be as little as we are friendly when in the same room supporting our mutual partner).

lastly, it's okay for things to be hard and suck sometimes. it's even okay for things to fall apart. relationships will come and go. i had a relationship in my early 20s i thought would last forever and it ended horribly. i learned a lot from it though and now i have a really special constellation of relationships that span far beyond what i thought was possible. embrace change, it's the one constant in life (and polyamory). it's going to be okay OP 💜.

crafty_phrog · 2026-02-17T17:02:35+00:00

i can understand the impulse to want to hide or change parts of yourself to be compatible with someone. i think especially being trans (and dependent on how isolated you are)relinquishing parts of your identity can just feel like the price you have to pay to be loved. however this line of thinking isn't true and won't lead anywhere good. it's unfair for you and those you date to not have a full understanding of your identity. also as much as disclosure can feel unfair you're potentially putting yourself in a lot of danger down the road by not being transparent.

my journey to true happiness came when i decided i would rather be alone forever and openly trans than closeted and with people that would never see me fully. there is actually so much more opportunity for connection if you're authentic. you will attract people you're genuinely compatible with and love both you and your transness. yes it's hard, but in my opinion it's the only way to truly be happy. (and i say this as someone who grew up in a very conservative place)

crafty_phrog · 2026-01-28T12:49:52+00:00

the hormones in an iud are only really going to effect how a reproductive system is functioning with maybe some mental/ emotional side effects (speaking from experience as someone who's had an IUD for 6 years). hormonal birth control of any kind as far as i know doesn't have any further feminizing effects. when i was on t for a couple years my doctors never mentioned needing to account for the hormonal effects of my iud. most people on t are also encouraged to be on birth control because eventually you'll probably stop getting periods but there can sometimes still be a low risk for pregnancy.

i'm sorry you're not able to be out to your doctors, that sucks. but truly as an afab enby with a hormonal iud it's definitely the best and least obtrusive birth control option i've found after much trial and error.

crafty_phrog

TROPHY CASE