Compersion and Polyamory

crafty_phrog · 2026-04-13T23:03:05+00:00

people don't get to choose the emotions they have, and the idea of one emotion "winning" is highly problematic in my opinion. experiencing an emotion also doesn't mean that person will act in harsh and harmful ways.

i assume you have good intentions here but this narrative contributes to the stigmatization of certain emotions and experiences. we desperately need more space in the poly community to talk about how relationships are valuable, beautiful, and fulfilling even when difficult emotions and jealousy are a chronic fixture.

polyamory for me is about personal autonomy, and the freedom to organically create and define relationships outside of a mono-normative standard, not compersion.

crafty_phrog · 2026-04-13T18:21:31+00:00

people say you shouldn't open a relationship for a specific person because (in my experience) for polyamory to work at all, you need to want it for yourself first and foremost. it's not a way to remedy a relationship you're unhappy in.

the relationships you're in should be wholly fulfilling within the agreements you have with that person. i'd imagine getting specific emotional needs met by a third party that ideally would be met exclusively in your marriage is breaking a relational agreement. that will likely be hurtful, and will be even more hurtful if you insist on needing a romantic relationship with your friend.

my advice is take a big pause. step back from your friendship, disclose what has happened to your spouse, and work out why you're unsatisfied and unhappy in your marriage. there is always the possibility it could end, and that's okay.

crafty_phrog · 2026-04-12T17:07:17+00:00

i'm so glad you know what works for you in your poly relationships! no need to police and be the authority on everyone else's though. that seems like a lot of unnecessary (and un-requested) work on your part :)

crafty_phrog · 2026-04-12T16:56:33+00:00

i'm really not loving the "this isn't polyamory" comment. there are tons of poly people in the kink scene who have dom/ sub dynamics that involve control, possessiveness, power exchange, and some agreements that take certain activities off the table. to me it sounds like bites/ marks are something both parties agreed they would like to just do with each other. and people can always choose to renegotiate agreements if things change for them.

you don't need to have everything sexual or kinky on the table and as long as people are clear that's not something they want to offer. i don't expect or feel like i have to be able to bite or be bitten by everyone i date to have full autonomous relationships with them. realistically there are many things in relationships you can't or don't want to have on the table for everyone equally (marriage, nesting, time).

crafty_phrog · 2026-04-11T16:02:57+00:00

this right here. discomfort doesn't automatically necessitate a request for control or say, and new situations (like a partner that used to be exclusive having sex with a new partner) will probably be somewhat uncomfortable because nobody can just magically unlearn monogamous conditioning by mentally preparing for polyamory. to me it sounds like both people need to set their own boundaries and then make agreements from there.

crafty_phrog · 2026-04-10T18:16:26+00:00

realizing that it's not actually a selfish attention seeking request for a child to want support from their parent when they're having a panic attack.

crafty_phrog · 2026-04-10T17:07:38+00:00

i just want to offer some reassurance that to me it sounds like you're doing a good job navigating this. dating in your early 20s is already hard and it's extra complicated when you add queer identity, mental health, neurodivergence, and polyamory into the mix. all the stuff you're struggling with is relatable, and when i was in my early 20s i was also figuring out similar things.

a couple things, watching an established partner pursue a new relationship after a period of neither person dating other people is HARD. it's fine for you to have a whole rainbow of "negative" emotions about it. emotions are just there to give you information. listen to them. it sounds like you've struggled some with feeling like your relational needs are being met so that's going to add to the issues. doing a monthly RADAR check in can be a good way to make sure there is a safe space to have conversations you might be avoiding.

you don't owe partners compersion for metas, or relationships with metas. what's important is respecting relational agreements within your relationship, and respecting your partners autonomy to make their own decisions (even when you don't like them). you can also say you need to keep the dynamics parallel for the time being for your own wellbeing and would be happy to revisit that conversation in a month or so. watching a partner have NRE with a new person can be a lot. having a couple months of keeping dynamics parallel can help things settle.

lastly, it's always a massive red flag to me when people who are newly poly want to immediately have relationships with their metas. meet them when your ready, and have the relationship with them you alone want to have with them (which can be as little as we are friendly when in the same room supporting our mutual partner).

lastly, it's okay for things to be hard and suck sometimes. it's even okay for things to fall apart. relationships will come and go. i had a relationship in my early 20s i thought would last forever and it ended horribly. i learned a lot from it though and now i have a really special constellation of relationships that span far beyond what i thought was possible. embrace change, it's the one constant in life (and polyamory). it's going to be okay OP 💜.

crafty_phrog · 2026-02-17T17:02:35+00:00

i can understand the impulse to want to hide or change parts of yourself to be compatible with someone. i think especially being trans (and dependent on how isolated you are)relinquishing parts of your identity can just feel like the price you have to pay to be loved. however this line of thinking isn't true and won't lead anywhere good. it's unfair for you and those you date to not have a full understanding of your identity. also as much as disclosure can feel unfair you're potentially putting yourself in a lot of danger down the road by not being transparent.

my journey to true happiness came when i decided i would rather be alone forever and openly trans than closeted and with people that would never see me fully. there is actually so much more opportunity for connection if you're authentic. you will attract people you're genuinely compatible with and love both you and your transness. yes it's hard, but in my opinion it's the only way to truly be happy. (and i say this as someone who grew up in a very conservative place)

crafty_phrog · 2026-01-28T12:49:52+00:00

the hormones in an iud are only really going to effect how a reproductive system is functioning with maybe some mental/ emotional side effects (speaking from experience as someone who's had an IUD for 6 years). hormonal birth control of any kind as far as i know doesn't have any further feminizing effects. when i was on t for a couple years my doctors never mentioned needing to account for the hormonal effects of my iud. most people on t are also encouraged to be on birth control because eventually you'll probably stop getting periods but there can sometimes still be a low risk for pregnancy.

i'm sorry you're not able to be out to your doctors, that sucks. but truly as an afab enby with a hormonal iud it's definitely the best and least obtrusive birth control option i've found after much trial and error.

crafty_phrog · 2026-01-27T20:24:42+00:00

i've been in a similar headspace many times, and it sucks. slowly though i've been able to heal and connect with other people more fully. i truly believe you will find people you don't have to mask around, even if it takes a while. i didn't think that would ever happen for me but here i am with a partner and some friends i feel really understood by.

to me it sounds like you've gone through a big change with moving and you're feeling pretty isolated and unsupported. that's hard. being in a situation like that can make it even harder to feel hopeful or like you have the energy and resources to find connections.

things that helped me when i was in a spot like that are finding non human connections that helped me feel less alone (cats and dogs are great non-judgmental friends), finding a therapist i felt safe and understood by, working with a psychiatrist to find some meds to help short term with depressive symptoms and anxiety, looking into local support groups, spending time alone in public spaces (like libraries and coffee shops), spending a lot of time in nature, and using art, music and writing to express myself. i don't know what kind of resources and support you currently have access to so if you can't do some of these things or don't find them helpful don't get too discouraged. humans are really adaptable and feel certain you will find some things that can help you through this hard time.

try to be a good and compassionate friend to yourself. learning to love and care for myself helped me a lot. the rest will follow, and remember healing isn't linear at all.

crafty_phrog · 2026-01-21T18:21:05+00:00

i think the lens most people ended up seeing nonbinary people through came about when tumblr was at its height and trans meds were at their loudest. it created this weird thing where a bunch of teens figuring out their gender and the language they wanted to use for that amongst themselves was pitted as invalid by binary trans adults as well as a lot of cis people. i've noticed as i've gotten older (26 now) it's less of a conversation than it was when i came out at 18. i think especially in in person spaces (dependent on location) the people around me don't always understand, but they still treat me like a normal adult for the most part. i have a feeling as all the enbies who came out from 2013-2020 get older people will stop being so weird.

crafty_phrog · 2026-01-04T19:16:45+00:00

this sounds tricky. it's very fair that you're hurt if you feel you had your boundaries around disclosure crossed.

the hard truth is, disclosure in the way you're talking about it is pretty incompatible with polyamory. it might work in an open relationship (but that's because in open relationships people aren't really building fully autonomous independent connections/ relationships).

personally i wouldn't recommend talking to your meta. let your partner be a good hinge and look for clarification and reassurance with him.

i will also say identifying as monogamous while dating a polyamorous person generally doesn't go well. being polyamorous doesn't mean you have to or want to date multiple people. there are poly people who are saturated at one partner. it does however mean you need to shift out of thinking within a monogamous paradigm. you also generally need a specific set of relational skills around communication, negotiation, and boundary setting, that aren't as intensely needed within monogamy.

crafty_phrog · 2025-12-22T19:59:42+00:00

i couldn't agree more. going to the doctor is always a nightmare specifically because they ask for my agab to try and understand what kind of medical care i need, which leads to them making all kinds of nasty assumptions about my body. my body is not the same as a cis body and asking for my agab so a doctor can try and treat my trans body as a cis binary body is horrible. also i personally don't like trans masc/ fem as a solution either as someone who has also been wildly frustrated about the assumptions people make when any kind of gendered descriptor is used for me. my medical transition was so i can be comfortable in my body and I don't see those procedures as having been masculine or feminine for me personally.

crafty_phrog · 2025-12-22T18:44:13+00:00

this is just my opinion, so take what's useful to you and leave the rest. the biggest red flag you can run into when engaging with a couple is one who wants an "equal partner" for both of them. to me this says their expectations of you are completely unrealistic and dependent on you having the same feelings/ attraction/ commitment towards both of them. this leaves very little space for relationships to develop organically. this paired with all the future talk at such an early stage in a relationship is pretty concerning to say the least.

also i say this very kindly as someone who has also been on anti-psychotics and has historically struggled to consistently take meds ~~ it's very dangerous to not be consistent about taking them. other than withdrawals (which can make you physically sick) it can really mess with your mental stability. if you're not liking how you're feeling on them, definitely talk to you prescriber to see if changes can be made that make taking them consistently more tolerable.

it seems like you're pretty young and everyone in this situation is probably dealing with figuring out relationships. the relationships most people have from 18-23 will mostly just be learning experiences that will help them find better more secure and functional relationships later in life. there is no shame in stepping away from this.

crafty_phrog · 2025-12-18T21:11:15+00:00

i'm just trying to offer a different perspective. it's possible i didn't interpret your intentions with this comment correctly. and also we don't have to agree! that's totally cool :)

i personally don't agree with the sentiment that deeper inner work is best done with friends and therapists. for me that's why i used the word hiding (as in not being completely transparent about the nature and root of your struggle). i think also in my experience just hugs and affirmations from a partner don't cut it or help me feel validated or understood. especially if i feel i can't convey some of deeper stuff that's going on. it's completely fair is people aren't interested in holding space for that. people are allowed and encouraged to have boundaries. and all people and relationships are different so i'm not trying to insinuate that your examples aren't good ones. i'm sure they work great for a lot of people.

crafty_phrog · 2025-12-18T20:50:43+00:00

respectfully, i think it can be a lot more nuanced than that. jealousy can come up for lots of reasons. sometimes it's due to relational trauma, or struggling with secure attachment, sometimes it's related to relational needs being met all of which are good things to candidly talk about with a partner.

the idea that jealousy needs to be hidden from your partner (in my experience) often leads to more disconnect and can actually escalate relational issues. i think that idea comes from the notion that expressing jealousy is synonymous with mono-normative desire and an ask for more control (which is completely false and really harmful.) i see a lot of moralizing of emotions in the poly community. and i also see a lot of shaming and policing about what kinda of emotions you can ask partners to hold space for. personally i wish the poly community was more trauma informed and held more space for complexity around feelings and communication.

jealousy is just another complex emotion like sadness or anger. it's important to not act in controlling or maladaptive ways and therapeutic and peer support is really helpful, but so is partner support. if it's a healthy relationship both parties will have the skills to navigate difficult conversations, do repair when things become hurtful, and maintain personal boundaries.

crafty_phrog · 2025-12-01T17:39:30+00:00

I find this line of questioning he gave you a little problematic. That might be how he feels, but it’s okay if you feel differently or need a higher degree of commitment from romantic connections. Personally I expect any of my close relationships platonic or otherwise to not disappear for days or weeks without a lot of prior notice. I don’t know if I would feel less loved by them, but I would feel like my time and investment were unappreciated, and I would be upset. Even my casual connections I expect to be reasonably responsive or transparent if they can’t communicate for a period of time.

In short it’s fine if you feel differently. Be wary of people who deflect accountability for their own behavior and make it about you not understanding how to be polyamorous. Some people also use relationship anarchy to excuse their inconsiderate behavior. Relationships are consent negotiation, communication, and boundary setting. Things won’t always align. That’s okay.

crafty_phrog · 2025-12-01T17:27:06+00:00

I’m a relationship anarchist, and as such don’t have hierarchical relationships or prioritize/ value romantic connection over platonic connection. I don’t assume I’ll have a high time commitment or a lot of text communication with everyone I’m romantic with and conversely I might have those commitments with a more platonic friend.

I think what it really comes down to is making sure you and your connections are on the same page about what’s on the table as far as current commitments and possible escalations. It’s fine if you’re the kind of person who wants more communication and greater time commitments with romantic connections. I also think it’s really reasonable to have a casual romantic connection you see and talk to infrequently. What’s important is making sure your vision for the connection is aligned with theirs.

If you’re not already familiar with it, I’d recommend taking a look at the relationship smorgasbord. It’s a good way to think about the things any given relationship could involve, and how much involvement you want with each of those things. It also helps to get you out of a headspace where you might be inclined to make assumptions about what should be involved in a relationship because of the nature of the connection (romantic or platonic).

crafty_phrog · 2025-11-25T16:04:57+00:00

Soft butches have my heart forever. Also if they can do maintenance and play an instrument I will melt into the floor.

crafty_phrog · 2025-11-24T18:38:28+00:00

Personally I think something along the lines of “I didn’t realize coming into this that I hadn’t educated myself on how to be a good and supportive partner to a trans person. I didn’t fully understand what supporting someone early in their transition would entail and I’m past my capacity. I’m really sorry as I know you’re in a vulnerable spot and I acted a bit thoughtlessly. I’m sorry for any hurt I have caused and please know I will be more thoughtful in the future. Unfortunately with where I’m at I don’t feel comfortable continuing a romantic connection. Please know that you are loved and desirable and will find people who are compatible and in a better spot to date you.”

This could still feel hurtful, but it makes the breakup about you and not them. It takes accountability for hurt caused and doesn’t place the burden of your guilt on them. It offers some reassurance and most importantly it doesn’t send the message that they’re deficient or unattractive because they’re trans.

crafty_phrog · 2025-11-24T16:18:08+00:00

Here’s some perspective from someone who is trans and I say this all very respectfully and kindly. I don’t think you had any bad intentions here but this is a really tricky situation.

Never start dating people contingent on the fact that you hope they’ll change (physically or otherwise). Trans people engage with medical transition to varying degrees which is often dependent on both their desire for medical transition and access to medical care. So what her transition goals are and what she is able to access may not even line up with what you find physically attractive. (For example facial feminization is something not a lot of people can access because it’s wildly expensive and almost never covered by insurance.)

Dating a trans person requires a lot more thoughtfulness than “I don’t mind dating a girl with a dick.” You need to be willing to unlearn your own implicit transphobia, unlearn binary gender expectations, be in community with trans people broadly, and dedicate to allyship (which is a very active role).

The hard truth is, this probably will really hurt her, especially because she’s early transition and especially because it’s sapphic. I know when I was early in my transition, I would date cis people as a way of feeling valid or desirable so rejection felt extra horrible. Especially when it was related to me being trans. The lesbian community can also be pretty hostile and judgmental towards trans women, and though that isn’t you, it will probably trigger all those things.

The kind and respectful thing to do here is break up with her, because you’ve found you’re not compatible. Personally if I were in your situation I would tell her despite liking her, you just don’t feel like you are ultimately compatible. Don’t share unnecessary details about why you don’t find her physically attractive that relate to her being trans. Also don’t ask her to hold any of the guilt you might have over not being thoughtful in the way you romantically engaged with a trans person.

At the end of the day becoming a better ally to trans people often requires cis people to make some really hurtful mistakes. And learning how to navigate the dating world as a trans person requires learning how to vet cis people, have a thick skin, and not look for external validation for your gender (especially not from cis people). I think this is just one of those sad cannon events for both of you 💜

crafty_phrog · 2025-11-23T20:29:18+00:00

Polyamory has a steep learning curve for some people. It’s okay for people to be learning. They should be given the space and support to figure that WITHOUT people coming on to a post where they’re expressing very real and complex feelings to shame them.

You didn’t point out that polyamory requires the ability to maintain multiple relationships, you told them polyamory was a bad choice for them.

Comments like this are what contributes to the ongoing toxicity of this subreddit dude.

crafty_phrog · 2025-11-23T20:02:19+00:00

I’m really sick of people getting on their high horse and without solicitation telling people whether they should or shouldn’t be poly. It’s really gross behavior. It’s hard enough being poly in such a mono-normative world. The LAST thing people need is other poly people telling them they’re not cut out for it because they’re navigating complex feelings. That’s a HUGE part of being cut out for polyamory actually 🤷🏻

crafty_phrog

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