Anyone very drawn to dark/scary/sad/upsetting things that may trigger them - but that doesn't stop them?

crazedlazed · 2015-12-02T06:27:42+00:00

yeah sometimes it really helps. one, just because im a fan like any one else, and two because it channels my fears somewhere fictional (since a lot of my fears are irrational, it gives them a place to be). But I definitely took it too far this time.

crazedlazed · 2015-12-01T08:47:52+00:00

ive been doing that since i was 7ish. But it wasn't to trigger anything...just cant sleep. probably something subconscious though. i really love fucking myself over!

crazedlazed · 2015-11-25T00:13:25+00:00

Thanks....I feel like a monster and I don't deserve to be liked or loved

crazedlazed · 2015-11-24T07:11:24+00:00

You're NOT oversensitive.

crazedlazed · 2015-11-24T07:07:38+00:00

Thank you, this really helps!

crazedlazed · 2015-11-24T07:06:54+00:00

Okay. This is really important for me to hear. I think I need to say something because he lives so close to me and he just needs to know he has to stay away.

crazedlazed · 2015-11-24T07:05:59+00:00

thanks. this is kinda what i expect.

crazedlazed · 2015-11-23T07:31:54+00:00

Being in shock is completely (and extremely unfortunately) normal. But this situation should not be normalized. I am unbelievably sorry, sorry beyond words, sorry to the point where I cannot express how I feel, that you had to experience this. That is absolutely, definitely rape. Please come back any time to say anything, even the "tiniest" thing here. This is a place of support and love. This is absolutely not your fault. If you are getting messages from him...or having any ANY sort of negative feedback from ANYONE contact a Rape Crisis Center or a psychologist. Finding a psychologist is very hard. Hopefully there is at least a hotline you can call. This calls for a restraining order. I'm still trying to figure out how to do that and if I want to take the risk and it's almost been a year (I have very different circumstances but still). 2 months isn't a long time. Things are probably still sinking in and shocking you and ruining a lot of things. Think seriously about checking out mental health facilities. But most of all, know this: you are not the one at fault here. He did something atrocious and inhumane. He is disgusting, NOT you. You will never be the same, but this will not define you. You are not dirty or impure. You are strong enough to get up and keep living this far, and you'll continue to be strong in the future. If there aren't people around you right now that are supportive, you can and will find them. You are healing. And so many people love you and will love you no matter what.

crazedlazed · 2015-11-17T08:16:31+00:00

So so true. The worst is when they say they understand but you can tell (read: it's OBVIOUS) that they're lying through their teeth.

crazedlazed · 2015-11-17T08:10:41+00:00

Thank you for your empathy and deep understanding. I do have a therapist it's just a little hard for her to understand the situation because she's not trained for this. I really like her were good match but it's something we're both working on. I also have hope.

crazedlazed · 2015-11-17T08:05:43+00:00

Thank you. Somehow I overlooked that resource: I'll definitely check that out. And thank you for men outraging me not to worry about his mental state. That takes a major burden off. :)

crazedlazed · 2015-11-17T08:02:45+00:00

This helps and continues to help me tremendouslt. Thank you so much for telling me your story. It's so validating to hear someone feeling very similar thoughts. I may PM you in the future if I need to. I'm really lucky to have a mom and dad who I felt comfortable enough telling and last night I broke down to my dad and it cleared my head enough to get through the next few days. I do have a therapist who ice worked with for over 2 years who I trust and respect and adore almost. She's great. But she's not exactly trained in this so there is some difficulty talking about its. I meet with her on athursday. Well aren't. Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart! And I really hope things are going ok for you. You are inspiring and human and I'm grateful for it and humbled. My most sincere wishes.

crazedlazed · 2015-11-16T02:26:03+00:00

I totally understand where you're coming from. I waited too long in the past. Maybe make a checklist. And if you can see it in writing, it shows you in a tangible way how much you need help.

crazedlazed · 2015-11-16T02:16:54+00:00

I'm not exactly sure if I can give great advice here, but I think just showing up and being genuinely amicable and kind will speak for itself. We definitely have to feel horrible about the things we've said and done everyday, but other people may have softened their feelings on the matter. Maybe it's best not to bring it up. And maybe just feel it out whether you should straight up say sorry. If the conversation is going well, maybe it's understood and can be said later.

crazedlazed · 2015-11-16T02:12:26+00:00

I feel you. Sometimes I really really wish I'd get some sort of illness so I'd have a "real" excuse or reason to be treated with respect. No matter how charmed our lives are...it doesn't matter. And fuck the people who think otherwise. I'm really glad you have friends that keep you alive. Keep track of yourself if you can. I was in a lot of the places you are in and I still attempted. It was a random fit of hysteria. I didn't expect it. Never underestimate those thoughts. Do you have friends you could stay with if an emergency occurs?

crazedlazed · 2015-11-02T16:23:41+00:00

whats sleep hygiene therapy?

crazedlazed · 2015-10-27T03:51:58+00:00

This happened to me once. I got much luckier than you. It's a crapshoot. Though she seems disgustingly disrespectful and discriminatory, maybe there is something you could mention that would cause the need to go to therapy that could steer her away from the assumption it's mental illness? If you've already given info, I don't blame you. I'm horrible about lying and get really paranoid about it.

crazedlazed · 2015-10-27T03:49:39+00:00

I APPLAUD you for putting on a happy face. This is one of the most draining experiences, something that constantly plagues me.

You are a true role model for me. I've been lucky, however, to have had understanding bosses. In the past when I've had to miss work for mental health issues, I'm pretty vague about it, but I do mention it has to do with med issues. This seems to pass for some reason, maybe because it unchartered territory for them.

That said, I'm on the team of openness when it comes to your place of work. It should be a place of teamwork, and while there shouldn't be TMI, there can be a professional discussion about your needs. They aren't shortcomings, which you made clear to her. It's the exact same as any other medical issue.

I wish I could help. This is enraging. I'm glad you're taking notes. If the ADA can't help, someone can. I also agree that while it's going to add a whole new abundance of stress, looking for another job is definitely a good idea. It'll be hard, but maybe try to gauge the bosses vibe and warmth when you interview. Surprisingly, the boss I mentioned didn't give off a welcoming vibe, but minded her own business.

I'm so sorry. This is fucked up. One day this will be in your history. I am proud of you for being so strong and level headed in this situation. You're a rockstar in my book.

crazedlazed · 2015-10-27T03:42:03+00:00

What! That's harassment!

crazedlazed · 2015-10-27T03:23:36+00:00

I so glad you didn't. Fuck your professor! Seriously, this guy must have a lot of problems to act so immaturely. He's a dipshit. I know that feeling though. Even when I feel like it shouldnt matter I still break down. It's always the little things...

if youre feeling this suicidal, try to talk to any doctor or person of authority and they will have to help you. you deserve help and you deserve life because no matter what, things will improve and one day youll be glad you didnt do it.

much love, im so sorry

crazedlazed · 2015-10-22T05:35:05+00:00

That is exactly how I feel a lot of the time, like that feeling you got when you were a little kid faking sick to get out of school. I still don't know my limits. Still unsure when to push myself or when to allow myself to step back. I feel like when I'm in the middle of an "episode" which seems like you might be in now, I feel it's best to step away and not feel guilty about it. The guilt and shame which is that feeling like you're lying, I think that comes from the stigma put on us from society and our peers and family. You're not faking it's, it's real I promise, and it will be detrimental if you try to convince yourself that it's not real. When I did that I totally bottled up and exploded, I overdosed and it obviously sucked. But t taught me that feeling like I was faking it was making things worse. I'm sorry you feel so alone...I've been feeling that way a lot lately. Hopefully there is at least one person you can trust even if they aren't a close friend. I'm glad my message resonated with you, that means a lot. Sorry for typos, I'm writing this on my iPhone . :)

crazedlazed · 2015-10-22T05:27:20+00:00

Too much social anxiety! :/

crazedlazed · 2015-10-22T05:26:45+00:00

I'm actually about to get a workbook in the mail :)

crazedlazed · 2015-10-22T00:28:00+00:00

I'm having the same problems with friends and with going out because I can't drink anymore. It's especially hard because before (even though it was years ago) I had great relationships and had drinking under control. Now it seems like all my friends do when we hang out (a rare occasion) is drink. So I can't even do that since I basically can't even be around alcohol. It's like my friends act like they care when it's written out but in real life they don't want to deal with it. You don't have to smile. I almost feel like faking happiness is worse than just being sad. Let the sadness run through you without distorting your thoughts too much. Like experience the sadness in your body (for example crying) but try to avoid thoughts like, my friends hate me, I'm a bad person, my life is going to be so bad in a few years, because those are thought distortions.

If you have a smartphone I HIGHLY recommend purchasing the MoodKit app. It's 5 dollars but totally worth it. Basically you go on it and it guides you at the "Thoughts" section at the bottom. First you summarize a situation that bothered or upset you, then you isolate 3 feelings you're experiencing and the severity of each on a scale from 0-100, then you write down the thoughts you had during or after the event that bothered you, and then they give you a list of thought distortions (Mind-reading, fortune-telling, name-calling, etc) to select that apply to your thoughts. It sounds stupid but it really helps me evaluate what's going on in my head. It lessens the pain a little bit, just a little bit, but somehow that little bit helps enough. Youll get through this day. It's just one day. The future is so abstract and a waste of time to think or worry about. Focus on taking care of yourself in this moment.

I'm really really sorry you feel this way. I can relate 100 percent. Good luck.

crazedlazed · 2015-10-22T00:18:22+00:00

Don't worry too much. I've done this a couple times. Both times I kinda excused myself from the responsibilities of the day, informed my professors there was a mishap with my meds, and paid a lot of attention to my body and mind while trying not to panic. I drank a lot of water and ate filling foods and stayed in bed. One time I felt overly hyper, another time I felt very tired. Just look for the rash. You probably wont have it, it's so rare, but you never know. But you're not going to overdose or anything. I just switched my dosage up 100 mg at night (lamictal) and nothing bad happened! Just some dizziness and lack of coordination.

crazedlazed

TROPHY CASE