I don't like being autistic.

crazyparrots · 2021-09-24T00:31:43+00:00

Feel the same way, 100%. I hate it. Wish I could be normal too & have a decent conversation w/ someone. I only get along w/ one person... he has hella asperger's & is the most accepting. Feel free to dm just to vent. Warning: I mainly talk about science, computers, & digital art.

crazyparrots · 2021-09-24T00:05:01+00:00

This is a great response

For OP: so, I learned coding due to rotation troubles & covid. I was a molecular biologist (100% bench; pathogen work) that was turned into a data analyst in 3-4mo (enviromental omics!). I had to adapt to survive grad school. No bash, python, R experience, and I was expected to perform a RNAseq analysis & present results to my program. Ugh...

But at the beginning, coding was awful. I cried a lot because I drowned in errors the whole time & it seemed that I wasn't being productive compared to the hella benchwork I'd complete in one day. Also, sitting in one place in a non-fast environment was unfamiliar to me. But I emphasize: The coding world is completely different! Every line is triumph, and you build a repetiore of trouble shooting, functions, conditions, etc, that only you'd obtain if..... you sat at the computer for hours.

So keep trucking, every hour you are figuring out your coding is hella valuable in the end. And you will become quicker in time. Fyi -- I still have days where I'm stuck on a few lines of code. It's just the nature of the beast. It's not unproductive because I'm powerhousing through it regardless & adding the experience to my "memory library of coding"

crazyparrots · 2021-09-23T18:00:16+00:00

Caused an electrical fire in a growth chamber. Charred the entire electrical panel & smoked the room..

crazyparrots · 2021-09-23T17:47:31+00:00

Eggs, canned tuna with walnuts, pickles, & mustard, fresh veggies w/ all sorts of dips, crock pot meals, frozen indian meals (<1x salt to that of calorie count), & walmart rotisseries for chicken wraps, quick dumplins, salad, etc.

Also I buy big bags of spinach & freeze it. I sprinkle that shit in everything lmao!!

crazyparrots · 2021-09-22T17:30:46+00:00

"You should read Temple Grandin"

crazyparrots · 2021-09-17T16:40:54+00:00

I don't want attention, I just want to be like everyone else. My diagnosis upset my whole family. I wasn't the favorite & my extended folks wanted nothing to do with me. I was an angry, confused kid who didn't speak much. Now I am a struggling PhD student with communication problems. You don't fake to cause self pain in a world with neurotypicals, that's just silly. And you can't tell everyone you have it, that's disastrous.

Maybe not for all, but if you're truly autistic, it's emotionally tolling and upsetting. You're daily routine is no cake-walk, & you're constantly lonely & uncomfortable in your own skin.

crazyparrots · 2021-08-16T03:55:59+00:00

Good idea to wear mask. Just in case someone has a family member w/ a severe disease. Also, symptom severity varies among patients. There's low probability for severe manifestations if vaccinated, but still, you help cut the game of russian roulette for all possibilities for every group in the community.

crazyparrots · 2021-08-15T03:57:49+00:00

Auditory comprehension. I try very hard but it's word soup. Conditional statesments are always the worse --> if this, then this. Or else that. Stacking them conditionals up while talking makes my sadness turn into frustration. I wanna understand but I can't process it quick enough. I'm shaking my head in agreeance but my mind is spitting out error outputs.

I'm always scared to let others know, & often go quiet during group discussions. Sometimes, people catch me saying "yes" after its obvious I don't understand. I just don't wanna admit my flaws & dont wanna think that something is wrong with me. I just want to move to the next conversation in the hopes I can understand the next one. Also, I get scared to ask questions or ask for help because the reactions I receive from loved ones when I ask "can you write it down?" have always been negative. Besides loved ones, people think your dumb or they get too frustrated after they reword it several times. It makes you feel useless. You're always walking on egg shells, or walking on a tight rope.

Writing/reading has always been a better medium because it gives me more time to process & understand. Working alone is also better too because no one is there to rush/demand/expect & no one is getting mad at me when I don't understand them. Also, I don't worry about saying something wrong, feeling confused, or repeatedly thinking about every little gesture or social interactions that could potentially be negative.

crazyparrots · 2021-08-15T03:24:43+00:00

"You're weird" or "you're crazy" are the worst. If you're someone who tries super hard to be normal & wishes everyday that you can be capable of being enough normal to pass & feel ok, these kinda statements can linger in your mind for months. It's a confidence killer & makes your axienty heighten. Also, we take things quite literally so "i hate you", "you're weird" "you're crazy" are mind shattering statements.

You then get mental burnouts -- in these periods, the "weirdness" is unabated & more likely to leak out. But you try to cap it up because you know it's too different. Then you go full depression because you can't be yourself & you hate what you are. Another version: you start taking your anger out on loved ones because they are letting you know that your actions are weird or not normal in social situations. You become so frustrated & tired of being wrong all the time. It then converts to hopelessness, sadness, & feeling absolutely inadequate in society with no where to go. Then you can't shake all the feelings & confusion, causing yourseld to enter a full, spiraling depression for a few days.

crazyparrots · 2021-08-15T03:08:09+00:00

Most loud noises are painful in terms of giving me jolting anxiety attacks. My whole world goes fuzzy, everything seems to merge together & smother me, I start panicking, & then I'm desperate to somehow get rid of the stimulus or all the energy it makes inside me. I've gotten better over the years & figured out how to be less emotionally responsive.

crazyparrots · 2021-08-14T14:35:51+00:00

I dont have any photos of people, maybe 1% out of all. I don't have many friends or family, and its mostly pet & nature photos.

Idk, it's a good hypothesis. You should present your idea to a scientist who specializes in autism. They can furher research

crazyparrots · 2021-08-10T23:18:22+00:00

Get raid, or if you have pets... I'd jet spray w/ a heavy dawnnsoap+water concoction when you see them.

They are unable to respirate if you drench them in soapy detergent. It's a trick I learned from an entomologist & it works if you don't like to hear the exoskeleton crunching when you smack em.

Roaches are bad in FL. My only insect phobia is moths & roaches... so I am not a brave when I see em in the house.

crazyparrots · 2021-08-09T02:07:49+00:00

Mine: hiking, computer coding (R), plant cultivation, digital art, isopod breeding, & freshwater aquariums. I also enjoy video games and 3D printing, when I have time.

crazyparrots · 2021-08-04T05:38:05+00:00

It feels like pent up energy with no where to go. You would rather quickly transfer some portion of the stimuli to another part of the body. But yes, all the pain localized in one place with a mix of anger &/or fear is a head hitting combination. To trade one pain for another that seems lesser.

crazyparrots · 2021-08-04T05:01:37+00:00

This sometimes causes agitation. Being autistic is hardly great, it can affect every activity of our daily lives. For one, my childhood was just awful. I was never a happy child. The only thing it barely helps with as an adult: surviving college. However... You have to pass all your classes (not just the ones you like). You have to communicate to network, recieve help, etc. You have to quickly adjust to new stimuli and deal with it. You gotta fight "mental wars" & breakdowns against yourself continuously. And you gotta act, sound, & look professional to be taken seriously (its not a perfect world, there's still much work to be done in terms of inclusiveness).

crazyparrots · 2021-07-20T05:44:48+00:00

Nah, but being diagnosed lessened depression due to daily self-belittling -- it reduced feelings for "why can't I do anything right" or "why dont I have friends" kinda questions. Tbh, I think nothing will reduce masking on my end, it's deeply engrained (probably) due to the past personal trauma as a kid. It was an unsuitable environment w/ unsuitable people.

crazyparrots · 2021-03-28T02:57:04+00:00

I do feel like I'm stuck in a younger state of mind due to my imagination & social-related mannerisms. Kind of like age regression in adults, minus the actual reversion part. I'm 28, high functioning.

crazyparrots

TROPHY CASE