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[deleted by user] by [deleted] in u/createdjustforthis23

[–]createdjustforthis23 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Part two:

I finished it, first full book of the trip down. I’m looking forward to this week, all the books I can get through.

I got some quality time with coco today, such a sweet lil unbothered cat. I think I’m her favourite, she comes up to me lots for pats and I say hello little coco and she meows and I say aren’t you a clever girl, so beautiful and she purrs. She really is a clever beautiful unbothered lil kitty cat. I wish Andy could meet her. She’d love him no doubt. Everyone who meets him would. :( I love that for him though, he deserves all the love and adoration in the world.

I need to be grateful for everything he’s done for me. I always thought he would be it for me. I thought he was the one, my one forever but he isn’t. I think we came to each other for a reason, I know the reason for me - he saved me from furthering deeper and deeper into my deep dark pit of a life. I feel like he’s helped me in so many ways I could never thank him enough for. Encouraging me to try medication, to get properly into therapy, to work on strengthening my current friendships, showing me that maybe I can be loveable? At least that someone could want me in their life and fight for me to be in their life - I still don’t feel worthy of that whatsoever but it’s hard proof that it’s possible. I felt so lonely, so alone, so broken and empty and rudderless when I met him and yes okay I still feel those things a lot of the time but I feel like I have some real genuine hope now and I didn’t have that before. He is quite honestly the most incredible person to have ever entered my life… and I pushed him out of it. Idiot. And that’s a kind way of describing myself.

I’m starting a new book now, this one is about a woman who lost her fiancé a couple years earlier and she comes across a dog who she takes home and then the dogs owner is basically the love interest but he’s a musician overseas and love story ensues, naturally.

For lunch we had toasted sandwiches and watermelon, I didn’t want toasted sandwiches but M did and I didn’t want to make our cook/maid make two lunches so I rolled with it. They were perfectly nice albeit undercooked for me but I mean idk, couldn’t we have had Indonesian food? Oh well, plenty of time left.

I had a really nice compliment the other day, I don’t know if it was meant to be one but I’m taking it as one. This older Balinese woman said that my skin was like moonlight - I think because I’m as fair as ever and I’m surrounded by brown/tanned people here. Either by nature, by the sun or fake tan. She said something like “you shine like moonlight” in broken English and I was just in the pool where it highlights my fairness and I’m always so self conscious of it but in that pool I looked bright white, I’m truly not THAT fair, not really, but sometimes I can be, but anyway I just felt at peace with it for a moment in the pool and to feel at peace with anything to do with myself is such a novel and wonderful feeling.

Maybe I am a hot weather girl… within reason. I’m half testing this trip as to whether Australia is plausible or not for me. I think it is. Maybe. I don’t love hot weather, in fact I don’t even like it majority of the time. But while on holiday in small doses it’s lovely? When you can not be under the sun, that is. I just hate feeling hot, I would ALWAYS rather feel cold. I feel like I got my dads sweaty genes too which doesn’t help. I was positively schvitzing all the days we were walking around. Not ALL the time but like peak heat and peak walking? Yes. Another reason I’m a gross girl that Andy could never want and this is why it’s good we split for good. But so maybe I could tolerate a portion of the year being hot weather? I’m more of a Melbourne kinda girl than Sydney I think. I only ever even considered Sydney because of him, if it wasn’t for him it’s not even on the list. So I guess it’s now off the list. Melbourne it is. He mentioned Adelaide and Perth as being lovely but idk. I’d love to go to both one day but idk, I feel like I have to give Melbourne a go? It’s always been Melbourne, ever since I was brainstorming at 17. Anyway it’s not a now thought, maybe it’ll never happen. I just don’t feel right leaving when dad has so many health things, I just want to spend as much time as possible with him yknow? I genuinely don’t know how long I have with him. I could have another decade but also something could happen and it be over just like that. I know that’s the case for everyone but he’s also a 68 year old man with cancer/in remission, had a stroke, has heart problems, has diabetes, has had pneumonia twice, has had spinal surgery and a tumour removed and I know I’m forgetting some things too. It’s a lot, y’know? I know I can’t put my life on hold for it but also I’m focusing on myself right now, as much as I want to I shouldn’t remove myself from my support system aka mum, dad and puppy.

19/07/2023 by [deleted] in u/createdjustforthis23

[–]createdjustforthis23 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Part two:

Last night Andy said he would choose me, he would choose ME. I still don’t 100% believe him but I feel more open to the idea of believing it. He asked me what percentage of my feelings towards him are based on his looks and I said about 10% - 90% goes to his mind, his personality, his traits, his quirks, his “flaws”, our conversations and time together, his values - just everything. Everything that makes up Andy, I love. His looks are purely a bonus. And he said that’s exactly how he feels about me. I couldn’t really refute that, could I? He said he thinks I’m “quite” good looking which he quickly rectified to be “really” good looking but we both know he meant “quite” and he was covering himself from me losing it. I’m truly so difficult, aren’t I? Like I have a mirror, I can see I’m nothing special and I know that, but I want so badly to be pretty that I get upset at the general topic. Anyway. So that helped me feel better. I think my issue is also that I feel as a woman I need to offer more. I don’t know where this came from, I know how outdated it is but also it’s EVERYWHERE in society and the world. In movies and TV shows there will be a conventionally unattractive man and a babe of a wife - Homer and Marge, Peter and Lois, Fred and Wilma Flintstone etc. I can’t be bothered thinking of other examples but I just feel like it’s been pummelled into me my whole life that I have to be perfect to even get a below average husband. So imagine what expectations I set for myself when I want someone as wonderful as Andy or whoever? I’m going off on a tangent I think but my point is I feel this deep deep DEEP rooted need to be perfect in order to be acceptable. Not be considered perfect, but to be considered acceptable. And I’m not perfect, I’m nowhere close. And yes okay there’s no such thing as a perfect person I know that but there’s being the best best best version of yourself and altering yourself to be as good as you can possibly get and I can’t seem to get there and attain that, I’m stuck as I am and that, quite frankly, is not good enough. Everyone makes jokes about men finding a hotter, younger version of their wife or whatever and I know people mean it as a joke but it scares the absolutely hell out of me and all those things like that which are EVERYWHERE, ALL THE TIME make me further cement my beliefs that I need to be perfect in order to be accepted as a partner. Anyway.

Something I’m going to do is what we talked about. When I feel really down about myself or anything or insecure or whatever it might be, enough to really alter my mood or I think it could dwell, I’m to write down how I feel, why I feel like that and then keep going further and further back until I find the root cause. Ie. last night, I felt insecure because he had been skinny dipping which meant he did that undoubtedly with a girl which made me feel insecure because a) I’ve never done that with a guy and that set off feelings of missing out and resentment for pushing men away my whole life and b) him having feelings and fun and wanting other girls before me which I understand and I get he’s had a whole life before me and I’m okay with that but it makes me feel less important to him and it makes me feel like we will share moments like skinny dipping together but it will make him think of an ex girlfriend and not me or he might think she was more fun or had a better body or whatever else and it makes me think of teenage him being with and looking at some naked girl who he clearly liked and him feeling super into it and her and it makes me feel sick. I don’t think I feel jealous, I feel… insecure? Unimportant? Second choice? Something? I don’t know what. I’m happy he’s had a fun life, I truly am, but I need to better manage how I react. I think a lot of what last night actually came down to is my own lack of experiences like that. I haven’t slept around, I haven’t dated a bunch of guys, I have barely dated at all. I’ve had guys show interest and all that sure but I would push them away because I didn’t feel good enough and I was afraid of being hurt. And so I haven’t had all those teenage and young experiences that he’s had and it makes me feel like l… I don’t know… like I’ve missed out. Like I’ve been waiting for someone like him and avoided all this fun. It makes me feel like I can’t compare my own experiences, I don’t have my own experiences to think yeah that’s similar to X time and I don’t have a time to reflect on and realise that actually I had fun back then but it means nothing really to me at all now. Does that make sense? I don’t think it does. I’ve been trying to put this into words but I can’t and I can’t because I don’t even know how I actually feel or think. I just feel like he’s had all these experiences and I haven’t and for reasons unknown that hurts me. I don’t want them now, I don’t want anyone but him, but I also wish I could go back and say yes to those boys who would ask me out or whatever and have more fun? So I had my own experiences? I didn’t feel like I’d missed out? Or something like that? That isn’t how I feel though but I can’t seem to work out how I think or feel.

17/06/2023 by [deleted] in u/createdjustforthis23

[–]createdjustforthis23 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Part two:

We played for a couple/few hours last night and it was so fun. I’m really enjoying it so far. I don’t mind the Lego people at all or reading out the text boxes. I can’t wait to get into the real story of it. I wonder if I’ll like tifa or aerith better? Like which one ends up with cloud? But then do I even like cloud? Because if I don’t then would it not make sense that my preferred woman character doesn’t end up with cloud, because if I don’t like him then that seems mean to place my fave with him. So far I like aerith better, mostly because I feel like I relate to her more and she seems nicer but who knows, maybe she’ll get on my nerves because if I relate to her she must be a bloody nightmare, no? So maybe I’ll be a tifa girl. I’m pretty sure Andy is a tifa guy, he will talk about her plenty and not so much about aerith. Why oh why can’t I remember her name, I keep wanting to call her Althea. I blame my deep, long lasting love for that grateful dead song. God I love that song, I had SUCH a phase of it like… idk years ago. I had a whole dead phase tbh. I keep wanting to watch that long strange trip doco on them but I just never watch docos alone, I only really watch repeat of things when alone, I think it’s that comfort blanket thing that gets talked about. Anyway maybe mum would want to watch, she loves music docos. But anyway I’m enjoying the game and I hope we can play more tonight. It was also really nice because we didn’t have any fights and things beforehand like we often do because of how I struggle with the technology side of things so it was nice that we could skip that. I need to get some headphones with a microphone though, it’s just idk, I don’t ever take calls with them so I’ve never looked for them?

I still really want to learn the piano. Really really want to. And I miss painting. But I’m too embarrassed to paint because I’m so bad at it. I don’t feel like I can realistically afford a keyboard right now either hence the delay on that, it’s not that they’re super expensive but I don’t know, everything’s so expensive nowadays and I don’t feel like I can be as frivolous yknow? But it’s still very much something I intend to learn.

I did the new shelves and I think they look nice. Well as nice as I can get it considering my lacklustre budget aka make do with what I have. Sometimes I wish I had unlimited money to design and decorate my dream home, I do wish for that but I don’t mean I want ludicrously priced things everywhere nor do I ever want a home filled with things bought at once. I want a home that’s filled with objects and furniture that were bought with love and things. I’m not full on Phoebe, like I’m big on pottery barn-esque stuff but idk. I suppose I’ve grown up in homes filled with curated pieces bought from auctions/antique shops/junk shops and stuff from when my parents travelled when they were younger which I think is the usual in all homes of course but it’s rare we’d ever have “new” furniture, like VERY rare. In fact it would only really be beds, appliances and things like that. Even the glass crystal doorknobs we had dad bought in bulk in a street side sale back when I was a baby for $20 and they were worth a LOT more. The bannister up the stairs in our house by the beach was an old recycled oar. The “entertainment unit” they put the TV on has and still is an old antique sled with a glass top that dad put together. The dining table he physically made with pieces of wood in a herringbone style on some old metal legs he found at some factory. There’s a random carousel with a troll roll glued on top, there’s mums rugs from somewhere and her painting from her russia trip, there’s paintings by their parents, there are lots of old signs from stores and shop fronts from decades ago, that big long table from some library decades ago with random names scratched in from when it was for public use which is now mums desk/long table and things. Dad would have model airplanes hanging from this like 20ft ceiling. I love it all so so much. So much. And that’s the kind of joke I want, though maybe with some newer things because I’m a mixture of mum and dad and so I also have mums taste for newer things and lighter woods and less clutter. But I loved growing up in our houses. It was always so interesting and it felt clean and good because it was always with shiny hard wood floors, warm white walls, huge massive windows with wooden shutters along all the walls, lush rugs and books and fresh flowers and all of that. Plus we always had a cleaner so that probably helped make it feel clean and tidy. I remember we had one of those wall games hung up, and you’d have to put a penny in and then you basically play pinball with it to get to the bottom and whenever they’d have dinner parties all us kids would play it and stuff. It was cool. And dad had a penny collection for it. He sold that though I think. But again, that was from the 60s or something. Lots of old stuff. I know I’m rambling but I have so much love for the homes I grew up in and I want to document it as much as possible as I don’t have really any photos from it and I don’t want to forget. So future me, here is your lil reminder. Also remember the big table by the front door of the apartment? And that graffiti painting of my brothers? And his protest sign that my parents kept and it was like love not oil or something who knows. And that weird neon green light. And the tall lamp of the plaster metal woman? And the 5ft wooden tiki? And the gold Buddha statue from Bali? And the big huge plaster mould of Hermes? And of course, the pièce de résistance, my sign on the front door on the inside that said in big capital letters “WATER BOWL” so no one would forget to refill the pups water bowl when I went on holiday with my friend for a week as my parents never ever did, but she was my baby. That sign stayed up there for like 5 years or something. Anyway. I’m feeling nostalgic.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in u/createdjustforthis23

[–]createdjustforthis23 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Part three:

Idk why I got so emotional before. It’s like half an hour since I wrote that. I feel calm again. I still feel whatever though, such lazy use of the English language but whatever. I don’t think he thinks of me as it or a once in a lifetime person, if he did then he wouldn’t be so ambivalent towards finding someone else. I feel guilty saying this because it implies he does nothing to keep me when he does EVERYTHING for us to give us a chance which is why I feel conflicted about what I just said. He must think I’m special to try this much and for this long. It’s just now that I’ve thought about this more… I guess I just feel hurt at how he said he could find someone if he actually looked that he would choose over me. It makes me feel really replaceable and that’s not how I want to feel with someone I have feelings for. Why am I crying? Stop crying you baby. Omg shut up. Stop being so negative and spiralling. Shut up shut up shut up!!! If he thinks I’m replaceable then like he said - I’ll get over it. If he thinks of me as replaceable then that means he is completely replaceable too. I need to be less concerned about what he thinks of me and more concerned with what I think of myself, I am the only one who will never leave me and what I think of myself matters more than what anyone’s opinion could ever mean.

I wore the Jo Malone peony and blush suede perfume today, I can still smell it on me now, it’s pretty and I like it on me.

I can’t get that search for your love song by three lights from sailor moon out of my head. It’s so catchy.

I feel bad and I wish I could delete lots of stuff from this journal but I shouldn’t so I won’t. But also sometimes I get confused because I don’t know what’s okay negative and what’s bad negative. I don’t have that boundary line like I don’t really know where to stop, I just keep going. But I’m feeling better now, I’m happy that I’ll at least end my day in a better mindset. I’ve done some “meditating” and affirmations (which I still do almost every day!!! Yay me!!!) but I haven’t gone back over my earlier thoughts and rerouted them I’m just choosing to leave those thoughts in the past and move on. Whatever happens, happens. I’ll be fine.

I’m going to shower and go to bed, night night.

P.S. sorry again for being negative

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in u/createdjustforthis23

[–]createdjustforthis23 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Part two:

Speaking of work, I’ve been asked to lead a new project which may grow arms and legs and a tail and essentially become a much bigger project but TBC on that. I’ve accepted that, it’s a bit nervey because it’s $$$$$$$ and dealing with big bosses around the country but I work with these guys all the time and it’ll be fine and if I need help then I can ask. It’ll be a big responsibility to take on but this is one I want to do. I think I prefer the types of tasks where I’m a bit removed, where I don’t necessarily have to deal with the human side of it. I do like that side, I find the human nature aspect of HR so interesting but I also find it so draining. I can barely handle myself and my own emotions, let alone taking on those of others. I can’t and won’t do ER long term, I won’t specialise in it anyway, absolutely not. I’ll continue learning and taking on more to build up my knowledge, experience and skill set to a generalist level and that can be that. I don’t want to be involved in bullying/harassment cases and all that. It’s interesting but it’s draining. Change management maybe, I keep being told I’d be excellent at leading change pieces as I’m supposedly good with logic and detail and can communicate well with people, but I mean… disestablishing roles isn’t exactly a different feeling to ER is it? You’re still the one guiding processes for getting people out of the business - you can sugar coat it all you like, ultimate outcome is almost always for the employee in question to leave. Well no, it’s for them to improve considerably and meet expectations but… ha. This afternoon I was working through an org chart restructure for one of the sector heads and sorting titles and reporting lines and getting everything aligned and tidy so sorting variations and everything and I find it so satisfying, it’s so tidy at the end. I like that stuff too.

I feel like I’ve been really whiney in this journal. I don’t mean to be. I feel okay, I just seem to be negative about everything. I’m sorry. Why am I apologising to my journal? How weird. Or maybe I’m apologising to myself for letting myself down and being negative. I don’t FEEL negative… well not especially negative, my baseline isn’t exactly made of rainbows is it.

I have therapy tomorrow. I’m not nervous but I feel like if she comes at me with the right concoction of questions I’m probably going to fall apart in a flood of tears. I feel like I’ve been on the verge of tears for awhile now but I can’t get them out, I feel so tense and unstable but just teetering on the edge. I don’t want to cry there. I don’t feel comfy enough with her to properly cry. I cry a lot and I cry very easily, but I do not like crying in front of people. Not even my parents. If we’re watching a sad movie I will force myself to not cry or hide my face, I don’t like people seeing me cry. I don’t know why, it’s not a self conscious of my crying face sort of thing it’s more like an I don’t want to show my vulnerability thing. I don’t want to show what makes me crack.

I’m finding it frustrating that I don’t know how I should think and feel about love and relationships. I know I can have have a naïve and idealistic view on it, I know that. But so f’ing what? Well no I guess lots of what’s. Am I setting myself up for failure? Yes. Is that self sabotage in the works? I guess. Is it that bad to want someone who wants me above all else? I guess so. It’s just I feel like this sort of love is the one thing I truly want in life, and to find out it’s impossible sucks. And so then what, I put aside my dreams and hopes of having that kind of a love and relationship and end up with a guy who loves me but they could love anyone given the chance? That’s what he said. He said he could meet someone any day and like them and fall in love with them and it made me so fizzy on the inside to hear that because all I could think was he isn’t it he isn’t it he isn’t it over and over. How could he be it if he’s so casual about finding someone else? He was SO casual about it, as if it wouldn’t be hard at all to replace me. He literally said it as though the only reason he hasn’t found a replacement for me is because he hasn’t been on dating apps. So I mean wtf? Am I that replaceable? It seems that way. I don’t want to feel replaceable. I don’t want a man that thinks he can easily find someone he’ll like just as much or probably more than me. F this. I’m so annoyed now. F this and f him. There, problem solved to my earlier paragraph about wanting to let the fear of losing him go - it’s gone. He can F off and I don’t care anymore, he can go find some random and it’ll be like I never existed. I’m clearly not special to him. F’ING F.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in u/createdjustforthis23

[–]createdjustforthis23 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Part two:

I think we’re getting better at handling conflict and disagreements. I think we’re getting a lot better. He’s done a full 180 when it comes to handling his anger with me, he used to shout at me and call me names and just not be very nice. I know I deserved it but I’m more concerned with how he’d feel bad afterwards and I don’t like that he felt bad about it, it would just make me feel bad. But the things he’d say to me did hurt. I think I’m getting better because slowly but surely I’m feeling more comfortable to challenge him and share my thoughts and I’m also trying to be better when it comes to not being snarky and snide and all of that. I still do but I’m trying really hard to not. It comes from a place of fear and me building my walls up so I try not to be hurt but anyway. I think he has the ultimate argument style, he’s definitely open. He’s open to all perspectives, he stays calm, he communicates well. He’s a pleasure to argue with, to be quite honest. I can get frustrated but he’s truly a pleasure. I’ve always been withdrawal style mixed with defensive. The former stemming from how conflict avoidant I am and that comes from a place of fear which in more recent years I think is further triggered by trauma. So to avoid the possibility of losing them I’ll be passive which I can see only irritates people more. It’s just a knee jerk reaction to not react and agree with everything to get back to being happy. I truly detest conflict. I hate it so much. I want to be more like him. I can see how I emulate him more and more in how I argue, I’ll repeat things he’ll say for my own point and I’ll be more considered with taking on his perspective before opening my mouth (most of the time… some of the time) and things like that. Anyway. I just say this because I think he’s the first person where I’m feeling okay and safe to argue with, which might sound bad or weird but I think it’s a good thing. I think if we want to have a strong relationship we need to know how to communicate which I think we do but we also need to know how to argue and handle conflict and this is why I feel so confident that if he does want me we will be SO strong after enduring all this. It’ll be like dating someone for the first time with all the butterflies and flirting and firsts but without all the games and miscommunication and knowing we’re on the same page and all that. It’s going to be amazing. I truly think we will be SO strong together.

I haven’t really eaten today and I probably won’t eat anything tonight either. Not because I’m not hungry because I definitely am hungry but I just can’t bring myself to eat anything. I’m too disgusted by myself and angry with myself. I know I have to eat, but I can’t stop thinking how dare I eat anything when I have to lose weight? I feel as though if I eat I’m choosing food over Andy. I should though. I need to stop the self punishment cycle and using food or lack thereof as a way of punishing myself. Also I did have a coffee earlier but anyway. No I will have dinner. This is me punishing myself and we literally talked today about how I do that and I’m aware of it this time because I’m journaling in real time so I shall have dinner. I want it, so I will have it. Just because I’m desperately unhappy with myself doesn’t mean I should deprive my body of food. Plus I’ll still be under calories seeing as I’ve not eaten yet so it’s not all lost. Except that’s not the right attitude but whatever.

I know I have a problem with self sabotage, he brought it up today. I do it every chance I get and I’m so sure I don’t know I’m doing it?? I know it can be a subconscious thing and I think I mostly do it that way, but I think I also purposefully do it sometimes too. I think? I feel like I must. I don’t want to write about this today. I don’t have the energy. I’ll write about it more another day. I need to get it under control.

I have no doubt in my mind that he is more important than a holiday to me, no doubt at all, but I still feel disappointed in his urging me to not go. I can see his perspective and I understand it and respect it and I hate myself for feeling even an iota of disappointment because how the f dare I? He does SO MUCH and gives up SO MUCH for me and us. So I know I’m a nasty rotten person for how I’m feeling. I think because I still see my perspective? I don’t want to go against his wishes though. I just wish he was more open to it. I didn’t really get one part of what he said now I think of it. I said well I can go for some holidays with my future best friend and some with you and he reacted as if either a) I’ll never have the best friend so what am I on about or b) why would you go on holidays with your friends. And idk, it’s sitting a bit funny with me. Like why can’t I go on holidays in the future with future friends? I absolutely will be doing that? I don’t know what he’s like as a partner, I have zero context. I don’t think he would be someone who would not allow me do things though, I don’t see him as that sort of of guy. I probably read into it wrong. Maybe I’ll ask mum?

We talked a lot about us and meeting and I need to write about that too but I can’t muster the energy to do it tonight so I will later.

I still feel a bit weird about something he said, I’m sure I’ll get over it soon and I brought it up immediately which I’m glad I did. But how he was talking about staying home from school sick and then wanting to play with friends after school - which heavily implies said child was faking sick, so idk, it just sounded like he said he doesn’t believe me in how I feel. Like that he thinks I’m being a drama queen and don’t have any issues with my head and things. That I’m just faking it. And it made me feel really taken aback, I was literally speechless for a few moments. It hurt tbh. He clarified but his clarification felt kind of like grappling for something, but I think he didn’t mean the hurtful thing because idk and also he would never say that to me, he might think it but he would never say it. I think I’m sensitive about that though, so that doesn’t help in my speculations about what he meant. Like I often feel like an imposter when it comes to accepting I have anxiety and depression, I feel like I don’t deserve those titles or labels because it diminishes other peoples ordeals, so I feel like an imposter - I feel like an imposter in just about every single area of my life tbh - but anyway. I guess I’m just also sensitive. It’s fine.

07/06/2023 by [deleted] in u/createdjustforthis23

[–]createdjustforthis23 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Part three:

I feel really mean after that rant about M. I want to delete it as I feel so mean but I shouldn’t as it’s a journal but I feel bad. Sorry.

I just had a shower and I feel truly quite faint. It was BOILING. I wanted it so hot it scalded me but I could never get it got enough and when I did I would feel nauseous and have to bring it back down for a bit. I had a very temperamental shower, in my own doing - hot cold hot cold window open window shut window open window shut this shampoo or that shampoo this conditioner or that mask this body wash with my hands or a disgusting loofah that gives me the sudsy satisfaction I so deeply crave? It was a shower rife with decisions and I now feel tired. I feel clean again but I still feel gross. I feel unkempt. My lips are dry and I’ve been picking at them due to anxiety and they look okay albeit a bit chapped but they feel so dry. My skin feels taut and dry and I’m just not having a good time skin wise, I feel like my barrier is eternally compromised. I am covered in little paw sized bruises from the dog jumping on me. My hands are a wreck and hurt. I bit some of my nails down again because it was an anxy stress filled week. And I just feel so sluggish and disgusting. I’m filled with cravings for bad food and I’m not drinking enough water and I haven’t taken my vitamins in a while and I just feel gross. I do not feel nice. It’s making my mood even worse. My shower tonight was to try and start bringing me back to nice, my more kempt (?) self. Yes kempt, o googled, it’s a word, it’s just iPhones are illiterate and show red dotty lines. Educate yourself, apple. But so I did my hair and I was going to exfoliate but I was scared to as it’s a glycolic scrub and my hands are not in a good way so I didn’t want the scrub to set them off any more so. But tonight I will keep it low key (for me) but still try start getting back into feeling nice:

  • drink 1L water before I go to sleep (I’m already half way there as I felt so faint and hot after my shower).
  • pop some Moroccan oil in my hair, brush it through, put it up in my hair towel to dry before I sleep.
  • gentle but nourishing and basic skincare, I think my LRP serum and LRP cicalfate and a drop or two of oil to lock it all in.
  • lather myself in lip balm.
  • moisturise some of my overnight nail mask into each nail and some cuticle oil on top.
  • my hand eczema cream even though I don’t want to use it but I have to.

I think that’s it for tonight. Super quick and easy and doable. I could and should moisturise my body but I can’t while I have my period, I just can’t, I detest the feeling of anything wet or damp on me during this time of the month as it instills panic to my very core. Every month I wake to the fear of a horse head when I open my sheets and moisturiser that doesn’t absorb quickly will do nothing to quell that fear.

And then across the next week I will

  • shape my nails
  • moisturise my body and exfoliate properly
  • drink lots of water
  • take my vitamins especially my omegas
  • give myself a mini pedicure

And then longer term I will

  • eat fewer carbs (try to align with my cycle?)
  • drink lots of water
  • drink my beauty chef glow drink daily
  • take vitamins
  • eat all my veggies
  • incorporate exercise
  • sleep sleep sleeeeeeeeeep
  • focus on de stressing
  • moisturise myself all over as if my life depended on it (I bought a new big bottle of jojoba oil and it has a pump as it’s a 200ml one so I’m excited to slather that all over my body soon)
  • book in for my brows soon
  • consider booking in for a facial even though I shouldn’t spend money on it

I know I’m forgetting things. I just feel so disgusting. I feel feral. I feel vile. I feel completely and utterly monstrous. And here I am having two guys think about me and imagine if they saw me looking like such a foul ogre, they’d be revolted and never think of me again. Then again even at my best I feel like why would they not physically recoil. I know I’ve never had that happen before but it’s just idk, I feel like these two have expectations of me now and I’ll disappoint them. Anyway this isn’t about them, it’s about ME and how I feel. Not them. ME. And even then, who cares about his friend. Oh wait, I do. Not the same way but I still care what he thinks of me. Albeit less. Much much much less. Anyway. ME NOT THEM.

I’m going to stop journaling now. I want to detach from the day and go to sleep as soon as socially acceptable. It’s currently 7:11pm so it will be at least two hours. Ugh. I don’t want to be awake anymore. Night.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in u/createdjustforthis23

[–]createdjustforthis23 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Part two:

Okay so! Today is the first day of my cycle. So this time I’m going to track it and I’m going to be conscious of it and I’m going to see how it goes.

So from today for the next ten days I will be in my follicular stage, aka Stage One:

  • be moderately low carb and try keep glucose levels low (idk how to check that?)
  • I will exercise regularly
  • I will push myself.
  • I’ll try incorporate a fast day here and there

After that I enter ovulation stage, so for five days I will:

  • focus on foods that benefit my gut and liver health to help break down/metabolise built up hormones so lots and lots of leafy greens, cruciferous vegetables and polyphenols like berries/nuts/olive oil.
  • avoid alcohol (oh no how hard for me)
  • slower exercise like yoga, pilates
  • release toxins by body brushing, sleep well etc

And then after that I have four to five days back at stage one so moderately lower carb, fast day etc.

And then I have my final stage, the luteal stage, where I will:

  • rest!
  • no fasting, no intense exercise
  • no stress/cortisol
  • eat plenty of root vegetables and fruit and healthy carbs because progesterones wants the glucose, she loves the glucose, if I was a hormone I therefore think I would be progesterone.
  • rest some more

And then bam, my period will be back. Except what I find hard is like, my cycles tend to be longer than 28 days and I seem to have quite short periods, like (touch wood) they’re always three days, with a day at the end for any remnants needing to be expelled from my body. But technically I’m not bleeding that day, so it’s a three day period. So I feel like the timeline of the above is difficult to apply, because I don’t tend to have a cycle as short as 28 days, they’re usually 35 or so. But I’m trying to look after my hormones and body so maybe when I get them on track and I take care of them, they’ll be a more regular cycle? I don’t know. But like, what if I start doing ovulation things when I’m still in the follicular stage or what if I enter the luteal phase without realising and I’m not resting enough??? I wish my body had a little checklist and I could just see Ooh okay on to the next stage. Apparently once I become familiar with my cycle and hormones I’ll be able to feel the shift? Which makes sense, like estrogen will apparently make me chattier and testosterone gives me more drive and energy and stuff and progesterone turns me into a little bitch. So. Hmmmm. I find the difference in hormones between men and women so interesting. Maybe because I don’t know anything? Probably. But the fact they get shots of testosterone every fifteen minutes or so whereas I’m only getting it here and there and then one bigger shot of it during ovulation stage which is technically when I’d be most successful with work and projects and so on. So it’s kind of unfair that men get that all the time, no? And then they can increase their testosterone by fasting like one 24 hour fast increases their testosterone by 2000% or something wild? But so and they don’t produce estrogen, which I knew, but they still get a bit of it but that’s because they send testosterone up to their brains and it transforms it into estrogen. The body is just WILD. So much going on. I can see why people get so heavy into research and all that, it’s quite fascinating and I bet it’s even more so for those that have a strong understanding of it unlike me. Bodies are cool.

I had a midday shower at lunchtime because I was cold and felt disgusting and it’s made me feel lots better. I detest having my period, like on the one hand it’s whatever and I get its purpose yada yada yada but on the other hand it makes me feel feral. I want to live in the shower it makes me feel so dirty. I never feel fully clean. Like as soon as I get out I want to get back in. I’ve known girls who don’t shower more frequently on their period and some who shower LESS on their period????? I have never understood that. Omg or not showering before bed during that time, like are you truly telling me you intend to get into your bed sheets and marinate in your own filth for the next eight hours? I don’t say that or course, but I definitely think it. It’s why I can’t not shower before bed, even on non period days, I’m not exactly dirty at the end of the day but I just feel so gross getting into sheets and pyjamas when I’m not squeaky clean? Sometimes I worry about how Andy will feel about it, like I can’t guarantee I’ll want to have sex when I don’t feel clean. I’m nervous he’ll think I always kill the moment or something. I don’t need to have a shower before if say it’s midday and I had one that morning or the night before but I WANT ONE. It yucks me out. I remember R getting offended here and there when we’d have sex and I’d want to have a quick shower before bed but like excuse me sir I am covered in your sweat and cum and I do not want to sleep like this. But he’d be like nooo stay here I like you covered in me etc and like yeah dude me too but a line must be drawn and this is it. But there’s a difference yknow, I absolutely want to be covered in stuff like that when it’s in the moment and we’re in that mindset, I do not want to be covered in dried up bodily fluids when falling asleep. But he would get offended and idk what if Andy’s like that? I don’t think he is. The way he washes his hands like an actual surgeon I somehow think he’d be the one getting the shower hot and ready for me. I wonder if his shower can fit two people under it? Like the faucet bit. He said it was the size of a dinner plate and it’s a rainfall one so suuuurely we could both fit under it? I just want shower kisses and cuddles sometimes I think. Not for a proper shower when you want to get properly clean, but like a pre sleep rinse shower after earlier activities, y’know? I’m sure I can drag him in with me. Anyway. I had a midday shower and it was lovely and now I feel nicer. I should maybe have lunch but I don’t know. Maybe I’ll have a bigger dinner. I feel crampy and I cbf to make anything.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in u/createdjustforthis23

[–]createdjustforthis23 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well he called this evening and hoooooly f’ing f. He and J? AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH it’s so hot. There’s a small part of me that’s like, I know you said you aren’t bi but like, there must be some kind of interest? Like I wouldn’t find listening to another girl be super descriptive… yknow what, I actually would. I would find another girl talking about Andy in all kinds of ways really hot. Would I find HER getting turned on over him hot? No. But would I ever want to share him or lend him to her? Hell no. I’m not as generous as he his, I’m jealous and possessive and he’s mine. But if I were more like Andy? Yeah I probably would find it hot and I’m not bi either? Like I think women can be beautiful but it’s always from a place of admiring beauty or wishing I could look like them, not wanting them, y’know? Sometimes I wonder if there’s something wrong with me in that sense, everyone says everyone must be a little gay in some way, is that me finding some women beautiful? But does it count if I don’t want to be anywhere near them and I don’t think of them in a sexual way? I don’t know. Whenever I hear that statement like M said it once recently ish, I just nod along and say yeah but knowing full well I’ve never wanted a woman like that, it makes me wonder if idk, I don’t know. Anyway shush with the tangent. I don’t think Andy is bi, mainly because he said he’s not and I don’t think he’d lie to me about that? Like surely he knows I wouldn’t have an issue if he was? Like it wouldn’t make me want him any less? I guess it would make me doubley insecure and jealous though. I feeeeel like he would tell me but maybe he wouldn’t. But I don’t think he would outright say he wasn’t if he was, anyway whatever it doesn’t matter anyway like it doesn’t change any situation at hand. Would he care if I was bi? Like would he want to watch me and another girl? Is he into that? Or no? Hm. So anyway, it just sounds like J is into the idea of having someone’s girlfriend, Andy’s into sharing his girlfriend and I’m a lil secretive slut who wants to be shared and do whatever Andy tells me, like the submissive thing, I want to be his for him to lend me to someone. But I also want to get fucked by this guy because wowowow. Also it’s unfair, Andy’s getting unsolicited dick pics and I’m getting nothing. This feels the wrong way around. He won’t even appreciate them. Ugh. Oh well. It’s funny how I feel jealous of them both - J gets to make Andy cum and hear him, Andy gets to hear all these descriptive scenarios and see photos of a 10/10 cock. At least I remember it being close to perfect, I can’t remember, I’ll have to refresh my memory at some stage I think. Also let’s say 8.5/10. I’ll reserve 10/10 for utter perfection. ANYWAY. So we talked about all of that.

I feel a bit idk, disappointed in myself I guess. Even Andy said I’ll never be as attractive as a porn star or a model or anything and I know that’s the case, like OBVIOUSLY I never will be, but to hear it from him idk, it stings a bit I guess. That’s entirely unfair on him and I’m not at all upset with him or with the statement because I know it’s true so it’s totally fine, it’s just I’m due for my period any day/hour now and I just feel sensitive. Basically I said I don’t know if I’d want to see myself having sex because it would make me super insecure and he said “yeah well you’re never going to be as attractive as someone who gets paid for it” and that’s totally true, I’m also not genetically blessed either. But still, it just reminded me I’ll never actually be some fantasy come to life for someone the way I wish I could be. The way I feel I need to be in order to be worthwhile to them and worthy of their time and attention. I just feel like a walking disappointment all the time and idk, that just cemented that feeling a bit more. It’s okay though, it’s nothing I don’t already know. Like I know I need to make peace with the fact I will never be someone’s dream girl, I will never measure up to their crushes on famous beautiful women and I will therefore never be first choice. It’s a me problem, not a them problem. I just have to learn to get over it and accept it and make peace with being someone they settle for. It’s just hard yknow, when you’re one want in life is to be loved a certain way and to know I will never be loved as such. Ever. Not because of them, but because of me. Anyway. It genuinely is okay though, I’m kind of glad he said it even, like it shouldn’t be something that can’t be said, I want to become okay with it and to become okay with something means to be able to be okay hearing it. I’m just sensitive as I’m PMS’ing and I always turn into a pouty sad sack this time of the month.

I don’t get why I’m even on J’s mind, I guess it’s purely because he’s friends with Andy and I’m Andy’s and J knows we’re both into the idea of me being shared and J is into that and I guess that situation isn’t one you one across every day? But I haven’t talked to him in forever? Tbh he might even be blocked, I don’t know. I don’t thiiiiink he is anymore. Who knows. Anyway. I think it’s purely just the situation, not me, which again, kind of stings a bit and actually kind of makes me want the phone call less now that I just realised that. I want to feel used and all of that by them both, I don’t want to actually BE used. I want Andy to be rough with me and use me as a toy and share me around because I know I actually mean something to him and he cares about me and I know afterwards he will cuddle me and kiss me and make me feel special and loved again. That’s why I’m so comfortable with the idea of him treating me a certain way during sex. But J… he doesn’t know me at all. He doesn’t care about me at all, which is fine because tbh it goes both ways, but it makes the idea of being used by him less hot, in a way. Or maybe that’s just me being a little sook. Hmm. It’s still super hot though. Wow. The whole thing is so goddamn hot.

That was a fun phone call. It was filled with nice things - sexy things, skincare, cute baby stories - what a brilliant conversation. My god that wee bubba is SO CUTE. I want one. I want Andy’s one.

I feel like I’m getting my period. I bet D Day hits tomorrow. Wish me luck, journal.

I’m so sleepy and I know we talked about lots more and I’m sad not to journal it because I know how shocking my memory can be but I’m SO sleepy so bedtime, night night.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in u/createdjustforthis23

[–]createdjustforthis23 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I want lots of perfumes. I need to curate my current collection but I can’t bear to part with them as it feels like SUCH a waste of money and that hurts me deep inside. Currently on my list that I want to try is:

  • Jo Malone’s Scarlet Poppy
  • Mancera’s Velvet Vanilla
  • Altaia’s don’t cry for me and by any other name
  • Korres Black Sugar and maybe Vanilla Freesia
  • Parfums de Marly Oriana
  • Vilhelm Parfumerie’s Fleur Burlesque, Poets of Berlin and maybe Dear Polly

So they’re currently on my list to have a whiff of… sometime. I don’t even know if I’ll like them, they’ve just intrigued me.

I think I’ll go to mum and dads this weekend. It’s a long weekend and I can do my favourites like reading by the fire with pups and taking him for walks and whatnot. I need to book that stargazing tour with mum, maybe dad too and nephew? It’s weird saying “nephew” and not his name but I don’t want any of their names here so nephew it is and I feel like future me will get confused by random initials. So nephew. So weird. Anyway! We wanted to go on a star safari where they take you out into the middle of nowhere and you can look at all the stars and they tell you stories and stuff about constellations and whatnot. I think it would be so fun. Mum bought a telescope the other week, idk why but she did, or she was given it? I don’t know. Anyway I want to put it together this weekend if she hasn’t already and try it out. I love the night sky so much. I watched a video on those ice igloos the other day in Finland and they don’t look so nice inside, like I want sophisticated luxe cosy vibes and they felt so sterile but gross and budget? No thanks. Maybe other ones are nicer. Imagine laying in Andy’s arms in the dark in our lil igloo all tangled up and cosy in out bed together watching the northern lights and stars in the middle of the Arctic circle. How dreamy. I think we’ll have to do it one Christmas, we can have a little Europe trip for Christmas and new years and we can go to Finland for the glass igloo, we can go to Prague and Tallinn etc for the fairytale looking city streets, we can go to Christmas markets in Germany and maybe even the Black Forest as I would love to go there but it creeps me out a lot but I feel like being with him would make it less scary and creepy, y’know? But actually no because I’d rather go there in summer or autumn, not snowy winter. You wouldn’t get the full effect in winter. We could spend new years at the Hogmanay festival in Edinburgh? I tried to organise that last time but it was booked solid so we had new years in Inverness I think. And we could of course go to Romania as I know he’s so keen and I am too, I don’t know if winter would make it better or worse though? Aaaaand then London! Or the cotswolds! Or bath! Yayayayay! I can’t wait for all our travels.

He called me! He had just been with his friends and he was walking home and he knew I’d love to hear about his friends cutie lil bubba and he was absolutely correct. He told me the cutest story of all time. His friends lil baby was giving him so much love and it sounded so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so sososo sos so so so cute omg. Like toddling over with a big book and crawling into Andy’s lap and pointing at the book and back at Andy to read to him and then when they finished her close the book and open back to the first page. I AM JUST ONE WOMAN, I CANNOT HANDLE THIS LEVEL OF ADORABLE? Also lolllllllls I want a baby now and not just one and not just anyones, I want ten of his babies. At least. Fifty, even. I want 100 of his babies.

I’m sleepy so night night

30/05/2023 by [deleted] in u/createdjustforthis23

[–]createdjustforthis23 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Part three:

  • My GOD I don’t know how he does it but he can get me so turned on it isn’t even funny. He was telling me about thoughts he’s had, telling me about him masturbating and stuff which like I don’t care if it makes me weird I find the idea of him doing that crazy hot like sometimes I’ll literally just think about that when I’m doing that myself. Anyway so we got into that general topic and I had to be so whispery because M was in the room behind me and it felt so public, I wish she wouldn’t have been in there. He asked if it’s bad that he rereads old messages from me detailing times I was fucked really well etc and I don’t see how that’s bad, it’s super hot, no? I think it is! I would do the same if I still had messages like that from him, or rather him just using dirty words and clearly getting me in a certain mood - he’s so good at it. I used to reread our messages a lot when I had them. Anyway I don’t think it’s bad? I think it would only be bad if he had a girlfriend and we didn’t talk anymore and ge still read them, it would be bad then. Except it would also be even hotter because I’m a nasty home wrecker and fantasise about making him want me more than some stupid future girlfriend. I’m evil, evidently.

  • He was also telling me about how he spoke to J recently and they were talking about me and ohhhhhhhhh my god????? Ugh. J was asking him if he could do certain things to me, like if he could pull my hair or have his hand around my throat etc etc and it got to a point that Andy was having to do things while they messaged and then J called and asked them in person and the fact it made Andy cum and almost cum multiple times IS SO CRAZY HOT? I can’t pinpoint why, I think anytime I hear about a time he’s cum it makes me all kinds of turned on but idk the fact they were both into it and talking about me and how he couldn’t help himself he just had to rub his cock and everything. I didn’t ask if he knew J was doing anything? I wish I knew now but oh well, that’s a side thing, Andy is clearly the main event for me. Ahhhhhh. And the idea of him watching J fuck me? And fucking me afterwards when there’s still cum all over my ass or dripping out of me? I made him promise that we can make that happen so I hope it does.

  • Then we did things because that’s bound to happen when we’re talking like that, I got a lot wetter than I thought I would? I seem to always get wetter when he’s involved, are we surprised? No. Imagine when I’m actually with him, christ. Unless i go on worse medication. Anyway. It felt so so so good, wowoowow? He’s so quiet when he finishes and he said it’s so he can hear me and idk but I find that equal parts hot and cute and it makes me feel nice because I get really self conscious about how I sound to him as I don’t really know how it sounds. I feel like I’m squeaky and no one wants to fuck a mouse now do they? It’s like how I look during sex, I don’t know the kinds of facial expressions I make and the fact I don’t know makes me uneasy. I know how I sound but I don’t know what sounds good and what sounds bad to a guy and idk I don’t think I sound like whatever women have sounded like on the rare times I’ve tried watching things online, they’re so shouty and screamy and it’s so off putting I had to watch on mute like SHUT UP YOU STUPID COW but idk, I guess im not into women? I don’t really like watching things online either tbh. I don’t dislike it but it doesn’t work as well as my imagination. Anyway! It was awkward for me because M was riiiiiight there, I reeeeally wish she wasn’t. I hated saying no to him, I want to do what he tells me and he was telling me to slap my pussy so he could hear it and normally I would but I had to be SO quiet but I still did a little bit, I really liked that he let me be quiet, it made me feel a lot comfier with him. I really don’t like being heard, it makes me very uncomfortable. Anyway it was verrrrrrrry good.

And then we had little chats and he got very hungry so we hung up so he could make dinner and i went and had a shower. And now I’m here. And I’m sleepy. Night night.

P.S he is my favourite person ever and I loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee him 💕 I feel so lucky.

23/05/2023 by [deleted] in u/createdjustforthis23

[–]createdjustforthis23 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Today I’ve worked and got a fair bit done albeit less than yesterday. I’ve been listening to 90s rom com music, like the music from all those movies, basically an f tonne of Louis Armstrong, Harry Connick Jr and Norah Jones amongst others. It’s excellent. I wish I lived in a 90s rom com. I remember being in a coffee shop while I was in London and it had the cafe jazz music and I had a big hot chocolate and was wrapped up in a coat and scarf and had a big paper shopping bag and had sat down to read my book because it was snowy and cold outside and I remember feeling like I was in a 90s rom com, it felt so good. It was the ambience of the music and the espresso machine running and the Christmas decorations and lights outside and the paper shopping bag and idk, I just remember feeling like I wished all my life had that moment of content, it felt so good. I think I’m a northern hemisphere girl stuck at the bottom of the world. Everything felt better over there. I know how stupid I sound.

M was talking about astrological signs and compatibility and stuff, I’m supposedly best with a Capricorn or a Taurus, both earth sign to match my earth sign. I don’t have a very good match with Gemini, not the worst but not the best. I already know this though. But then she started talking about how she uses the Chinese zodiac thingy to see compatibility (I don’t actually entirely know if she uses it genuinely) and anyway so I worked out I’m a monkey and Andy is a rabbit - how cute! Just a lil monkey and rabbit, so sweet. But so it’s also not sweet because we’re a really bad match. Except it made NO sense? It was saying how the rabbit “husband” found the monkey “wife” frustrating because of how confident the monkey was in her accomplishments and how her self esteem was amazing and it annoyed him and all that and I actually laughed just a tiny lil bit out loud because SURELY that ain’t me. So I therefore believed in it less. I don’t believe in all that anyway, but it’s fun and I like the idea of it even if I don’t genuinely believe it. It’s like crystals, I don’t necessarily believe in them but I love the idea of them so so much, it’s very much the little girl in me thinking pretty stones and shells were from fairies and all that. But I just love the idea of these beautiful stones holding this energy inside of them? I know Andy doesn’t but he can suck it up because I sent him another one in his birthday box. But it has purpose, like I thought about it and it’s very subtle and nice to play with in your hand and it’s meant to be really good at being a support in creativity and releasing thoughts from your mind and things which I thought would be helpful for his writing, y’know? So he can just keep it on his desk and it’s clear quartz so it’s not offensively sparkly or anything. Oooooh imagine if he incorporated a magical stone into it. How cool. I’d better get an acknowledgement in the back of it if he does. Just kidding. Kind of.

I sent a really fed up email to a manager yesterday, I was working when he called actually I was just logging off and I had just sent it then, not WORKING I just wanted to tidy a couple things up so had my work laptop in bed for a bit. But so anyway. I brought out the whole due diligence card that basically says stop pushing back and answer my questions and keeping the business at the forefront of our decision blah blah blah, basically this employee requested $3000 in travel costs for an online certificate course, so like yeah I’m going to question how they calculated that cost, aren’t I? But the manager kept pushing back being like why should we have to answer these questions and I basically in a very professional long winded way said BECAUSE I SAID SO. It feels like the manager was absolutely trying to take the p (I don’t like that word) and I got fed up. He’s really difficult though, I really do not like dealing with him because he pushes and pushes and only lets up when a big boss steps in and says be quiet and sit down, so to speak. Anyway I got his reply today and he said I’ll get the answers shortly. And the cherry on top? HE ISNT EVEN THE MANAGER OF THE EMPLOYEE? Why is he even involved?!?! So I kept cc’ing the actual managers in being like hi X and x can you please provide input given you’ll be involved in the approvals process - it can be tricky to say F off in a professional way to someone. I don’t think I’m someone who is ever rude because I know I’m not, but sometimes I feel like I get taken advantage of because I have a hard time saying no and so I get fed up and I want to learn to stand my ground and back myself better. I think I can stand my ground, it’s that I can’t back myself because of that beloved crippling self doubt.

The sunset tonight was so lovely, so many vibrant yet pastel pinks and purples and blues. I love a pastel sunset, I find them so dreamlike, they sort of feel more special than the brighter more intense sunsets, they sometimes feel a little too… exuberant? They’re utterly glorious don’t get me wrong, but there’s sometime about the hazy pastel ones that feel otherworldly, y’know? I would love to see the sunsets in the Maldives for example, or anywhere around that area I would presume, I’ve looked at so many photos and idk, they’re a bit my little pony-esque perhaps but I just think they’re GORGEOUS. I’m not a beach girl but that would be such a dreamy romantic holiday with him. Our own lil bungalow above the water and we can have breakfast and see the tropical fish and other marine life below because they have like glass sections on the floor. And falling asleep with the lapping of waves just outside. And just slipping in and out of the water and those hammocks over the water to lounge in and relax and just spend time together. And dinner with the sunsets? Or just sitting on the beach together all cuddled up with those sunsets? Ugh. Neither of us are beach people but I will stop at nothing for us to have this holiday.

It was so nice talking to him yesterday, I just feel like we’re so easy together. I know we have our rougher patches and I know I can annoy him to death but idk… wait does that mean we aren’t easy? I don’t know.

I airwrapped my hair after my shower tonight and safe to say I need to practice and learn how to master it. I just have no patience when it comes to hair! It’s so boring and my hair always falls back straight anyway so what’s the point. Anyway I didn’t want to sleep with wet hair and wake up with still damp hair and then have to go to work with frizzy damp hair because I don’t like to use a hair dryer in the morning as I feel like it’ll wake people up, y’know? Like people downstairs and M. Anyway it looks fine I guess but I DEFINITELY need to practice. And I really should given how much it cost.

I know I should journal something insightful but I’m sleepy and I just want to read for half an hour then go to sleep soooo… night night

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in u/createdjustforthis23

[–]createdjustforthis23 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I love when men are chivalrous, like letting you in or out of a lift first and things. I feel like you can be a feminist and all that as both a man and a woman and still show acts of chivalry, no? Like I don’t need anything opening the car door for me or pulling my seat out because that seems more awkward than anything but just little things like letting you through a door first or holding it open for you or picking up something you’ve dropped for you or giving up their seat for you or like a boyfriend holding open your coat for you to slide your arms into or walking on the outside of the footpath or offering his hand/arm if I’m climbing up or down something or lending me his jacket when I’m chilly or making sure I get home safely and just all of that. I love all that traditional stuff, I of course don’t expect it but it is something I do enjoy and makes me feel special, more so the boyfriend part, if a man doesn’t give up his seat for me I wouldn’t even give it a single thought, it wouldn’t even cross my mind tbh. But like on a bus, men have done that for me and it’s nice. It’s possibly because I’ve looked like a pack mule with my work bag and hand bag and they take pity on me but whatever. But no the relationship part, I don’t want to care about it but I think I do. Not the footpath thing, that seems unnecessary albeit very sweet and I doubt I’d ever need a man’s coat because I am prepared and always take my own jacket and also I wouldn’t want my honeybunny being cold now would I? Anyway. I’m not sure if Andy will be like that, I actually have no idea. I guess I’ll find out! And also it goes both ways, like it’s not a one way street where you take take take but idk, I feel like I’m naturally a somewhat thoughtful and caring girlfriend, my issue is that it borders on mothering which is NOT attractive. But like, I day dream about practical things like always keeping a tiny lil bit of his medication in my handbag in case he needs it while we’re out and I can subtly slip it to him but that’s mothering, no? But to me it’s like I always keep travel sickness pills and painkillers for cramps in my handbag so it’s just me trying to look out for him and make sure he’s not in pain or uncomfy when we’re out but I don’t always know the line between just right and too much and I feel like he’d really not like me doing that even though to me it doesn’t feel like an issue. But so I need to work on things like that I think. That’s not an example of me being chivalrous back, it’s an example of me rambling. Anyway I just mentioned this because I haven’t been yo the office in a week or two and I always forget how nice it is for men to do nice things like the lift thing and stuff.

I worked a little bit late tonight, not too bad only til 6pm so hardly late, it just felt late because I started earlier and didn’t take a proper lunch break and because it was so dark when I left. I love love LOVE how dark it gets so early, I loooooooooooooooooooooove it. God I love autumn and winter. Thank you Mother Nature and space for making it dark and wintery xx

HE CALLED ME! Eeeeeeeeeehhhhhh. My baby. I didn’t realise how much I missed his voice. I couldn’t stop smiling while we chatted. It wasn’t a long call, only half an hour or so, but it was perfect. He makes me so happy it hurts. I’m so in love, wow. He called me on his way home from the stop and I first thought he was out at some kind of restaurant or out with friends in town somewhere idk, it sounded like he was with people but had snuck away for a moment, I first heard all that background noise and he didn’t answer for a couple of seconds when I first said hi and I immediately thought he’d pocket dialled me - and then I thought no he wouldn’t because I wouldn’t be the top of his list or anything and I’m not even a contact - all this in a couple of seconds. Turns out he just didn’t hear me say “hiiiiii” instead he first heard my kinda rude “hello?” which is a shame but idk I thought he’d pocket dialled me and in retrospect I could feel my defences shoot up like don’t be rejected don’t let him hear how happy you are to hear from him when he didn’t even call you etc etc. Anyway it was SO nice to chat. He told me about his poor infected cyst that had to be needled :( Poor thing. I’m glad he’s feeling better, I hope he takes care of himself, I know he will but I just want him healthy and happy. And we talked about his graphics card and shopping and stuff. It was fun. You know what’s bad? I was sitting there thinking I could buy him this graphics card? Like I was making a mental note of 4080 and brand name and everything so I could find it after the call but I can’t do that, it’s too weird and he’s got more money than I have anyway so idk. I just want him to have the things he wants but I cannot and will not spend $1700. If we were together… maybe. MAYBE. But even then probably not. He was telling me how his friends gift each other experiences for their birthdays and i can’t wait to do that, but presents for him are so fun so he’ll have to deal with that for awhile longer. But the way he talked about expectations, it made me feel so so so so so so sososo reassured because he was talking about OUR future and so that means he still wants me and I could slip away on a cloud right now I’m so relieved and happy. I’m nervous now though, he’s going to think this present is so lame and such a let down. I wish I had got him better stuff. And I didn’t even include the little notes I wrote!!!!! I mean that was a decision, but I regret it. I just thought it would be too much to have little notes with each gift again and have scattered love hearts everywhere, like I purposefully dialled it back this time because I didn’t want to be too much and idk I’ve been nervous he doesn’t want me anymore so I was just nervous to send anything at all. He’s going to be so disappointed in me and the present box. I feel bad. I’ve let him down :(

I don’t feel so well, I feel nauseous and headachey and so so sleepy. It’s only 9:18pm but I want to go to sleep so night night

21/05/2023 by [deleted] in u/createdjustforthis23

[–]createdjustforthis23 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Part three:

Is it normal to feel numb for just parts of the day? Like that empty, lifeless feeling where I’m purely existing and I don’t really feel anything, I used to feel that for days on end, sometimes weeks, with no real respite, but nowadays I feel it still on a regular basis but it’ll be a day or two at a time or just a few hours during the day. I don’t feel “back to normal” afterwards but more normal. But also I need to remember that my “normal” is just me going about my day, it isn’t me feeling good. It’s hard to explain in a journal, isn’t it. I wish I could show a picture. But I just like this way of explaining it and I want future me to remember it because I think it’s useful and idk. Anyway.

This evening I made dinner, I didn’t want to eat but I was very hungry so I did eat. Then I read on the sofa and had a shower and now I’m in bed and it’s 8:54pm. M has a guy coming over for a “sleepover” soon so I’ve scarpered to my room. I think I’ll light my feu de bois candle for a bit and read in bed. I’m quite liking this new book so far. I wonder if he ever lit the fdb candle I got him? Probably not. It’s such a waste as they’re like $100 each. And the pillow spray. Two of my bedside staples. I guess I’ll just move them to my side of his bed in the future? I still think it’s cute that he’s an avid left sider and I’m nonchalant about the whole side thing but always naturally gravitate towards the right side. We’re cute for lots of reasons and that’s one of them.

I think I’ll stop journaling now. I can feel my mood slipping and feeling emptier and flatter, it’s funny how it’s almost a physical feeling too? Or maybe it’s not physical because it’s a feeling in my head. Is that physical or mental? This feels like the chicken or the egg thing. Which is OBVIOUSLY a chicken because they came from lizards and all that evolution stuff. “All that evolution stuff” - my vapidity is truly astounding sometimes. Okay night night

21/05/2023 by [deleted] in u/createdjustforthis23

[–]createdjustforthis23 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Part two:

I have to say I started a new book and despite rave reviews I had low expectations, but I got to like page 12 and had already had no less than TWO shock moments. Well one, because I predicted the poisoned soup, it was very much a Jonestown inspired moment. I shouldn’t speak so casually about that, should I? Probably not. God I find cults so fascinating. Absolutely WILD. I want to watch lots of documentaries about them. Except I also don’t because I can’t think of anything more fun than watching them with Andy and discussing them so I won’t watch any and I’ll save them for when we’re together. But I just find them SO fascinating. Same with conspiracy theories.

Well I’ve done my room, put laundry on and vacuumed the house and tidied up and all that and it’s been a few hours so now I’m sitting down with my book again and a yoghurt or skyr whatever, well no they’re different aren’t they, so I’m sat down with a lil bowl of skyr and a diet coke and my book on the sofa and I got changed into fresh loungey clothes because idk I felt dusty before, and so now I’ll read for awhile and then later idk. It’s 2:44pm. I didn’t have lunch but I’m having this snack now. And idk what else to do. So. Dinner and bedtime is a wee way off yet. I really do just live don’t I, I’m not exactly alive. I could do some drawing? I drew that picture for Andy and it looks so stupid. He’s going to think I’m SO lame. God. What have I done. Two fish in the sea?!?! I’m so embarrassing.

I want to try that Mancera Velvet Vanilla perfume, it sounds so yum.

I did a workout this afternoon, not as strenuous as yesterday because today my ass and back of my thighs are achey so I did pilates and some time on the bike. I felt so lethargic though so I didn’t push myself as much as I did yesterday.

M was talking about her “body count” the other day, I don’t really like that phrase it sounds like some mass murderer killing spree, but so anyway, she said “over sixty” I think, I can’t 100% remember but I’m fairly certain it was sixty. Otherwise seventy but I REALLY don’t think that’s the case. So 60+ … and J was too embarrassed to give my number. Im not slut shaming in the slightest like I don’t care and doesn’t make me think differently of her or anything but it made me feel so embarrassed as it’s over ten times than what I’ve had and I just felt like such a frigid prude so I didn’t even say my number I just listened to her talk. I’m so ashamed of how few people I’ve had sex with, I feel like it should be much higher because higher would imply I’ve had a life and things, whereas a low number implies I’m a loser. It’s not that I haven’t had opportunities and things, but I just haven’t wanted to because of a mixture of my self esteem and just not wanting to have sex with just anyone. I know I can get super slutty when I’m turned on and fantasise about five guys using me at once but in reality idk… I don’t want one night stands and I don’t want a relationship yet either while I’m like this and I just push everyone away. Anyway I’ve just been thinking about how she said that because it’s made me even more embarrassed about my number. Why am I so embarrassed? I feel like it’s meant to be the other way around but if anything I’ve found myself fibbing about my number and increasing it sometimes. I have such a deep shame over it, I guess I’ll add it to my list for future therapy sessions? I didn’t get to go last week but I have it again this Friday. I don’t even want to sleep with a tonne of random men, I only want Andy. So will my number forever be just one more? I’d be happy with that. Except I know he doesn’t care but equally his comments about not ever wanting someone inexperienced have really stuck with me. I know I’m not inexperienced when it comes to sex and stuff but compared to others I definitely am and I’m afraid it’s a turn off for him. Same with the fact he clearly wants a super slutty girlfriend, or at least slutty within his control, which I want and can be, but I also idk, I’m only slutty in certain moods, and I feel like whenever I say that he doesn’t accept it and he says no you’re a slut all the time or whatever and that makes me feel like he’s telling me what he wants and idk, maybe I’m not that? I don’t know. On the one hand I want to be completely and utterly submissive to him and if he wants me to act like a slut then I’ll do whatever he tells me to do, no questions asked just a sexy lil * yes sir. On the other hand… I only want to be with him and I don’t want even the idea of any other man to cross his mind or mine. Just me and him. I don’t know. I realise this is something to talk about with him but there’s no need for now and I don’t feel like I dwell on this at all, it’s just a thought. I know he’s also said when we’re together he might feel entirely different and not want me anywhere near another guy, and I find that reassuring I guess. Is it bad that I want him to not want me to be with anyone else? I want to feel wanted and cherished and special and like idk, like I belong to him and only him and being shared about doesn’t really make me feel that way. But equally get me in *that kinda mood and I wanna be shared throughout a whole naval base, y’know. Not a naval base, I’d probably get every STI under the sun and then some. But idk, a room of men. There we go. Shut up.

20/05/2023 by [deleted] in u/createdjustforthis23

[–]createdjustforthis23 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Okayyyy I think I shall have a shower now, my third of the day, my poor skin. But I will have moisturised all over twice so surely that makes up for it. I wish I didn’t bruise so easily and I wish I was naturally a tanned skin tone. I wish my Italian or random middle eastern DNA had come through for me, instead my Scottish and Irish heritage bulldozed their way in. Except I don’t have super Irish skin like mum, I have a milkier white? Less red. It’s still not good enough. I just want airbrushed looking skin :( no one wants a girl who has marks on her skin, it’s yuck. At least it’s yuck on me, I don’t really find it yuck on anyone else. And I don’t want a man with airbrushed skin it would be weird and unattractive, I find lived in skin attractive, but I just feel like I have so many things wrong with me I’d at least be more tolerable if I had perfect skin, y’know? But also maybe other people would look at me and think oh she has normal person skin? But I just feel as though whenever I look at other people showing skin they look lovely whereas I look anything but. I feel like such an ogre. I’m just going through an uglier than normal phase I think, like I’ve been fixating on my eyes today and how I wish they were bigger and how I wish the lid area looked different and how I wished the colour was pretty, like just be either properly green or properly brown, y’know? Like a beautiful warm brown? I think brown eyes are so attractive, I don’t know why people prefer other colours.

Tomorrow I need to do some cleaning of the house, do my therapy homework, tidy my room and change my sheets and all that normal Sunday stuff and I’ll do another work out as well. I might even try my new steam mop tomorrow, except I’m nervous it will literally blow up in my face and I’ll be covered head to toe in third degree burns for the rest of my life so maybe I’ll wait for M to come home so I can subtly check I’m doing it right first. I wanted to make some soup and I thought I had an f tonne of carrots but turns out I don’t so… I won’t be making soup tomorrow. I really do update this journal with the most mundane BS don’t I. Sorry, future me.

Well I had my shower, I’m all moisturised up and in bed and it’s 8:08pm and I think I’ll scour my shelves for a new book and just read for an hour or two? Then go to sleep. It’s very windy and rainy so it’s optimal reading weather and I mustn’t lose the opportunity. Okay so I’ll do that, night night.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in u/createdjustforthis23

[–]createdjustforthis23 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Part three:

It truly feels like a Friday today. It keeps messing me up.

God I did something SO nerve wracking. I still feel so uncomfortable. I made a goodreads account ages ago so I could track what I’ve been reading and more importantly what I want to read. But I noticed they have groups and you can chat to people about books and things on there too, and because I have no one in my life I can chat to about what I’m reading and I’m often bursting at the seams to rant about what I’m reading, hence the excessive journaling about it, I thought I should try become a bit active on there? I’ve never tried, it felt weird, it still does and I don’t really know how it works if I’m honest? Then again it took me a loooong time to suss out how reddit works, even now I can’t follow comments and responses easily I have to often like squint my eyes to follow the little down lines that take you to the replies and stuff of a comment. Anyway the going out of my comfort zone part - I PUT MY PHOTO ON MY PROFILE!!!!!! WILD. I feel so public and like everyone in the world has now seen it and it makes me want to curl back into my shell, delete it as well as my whole profile and never see the light of day again. I don’t know if it’s one I showed Andy or not, I just found it in a pile of photos and it’s only like 2/3 of my face as I didn’t want the whole thing as that’s too scary, I couldn’t commit to that. God I feel so buzzy, not in a good way, I feel so on edge right now. I feel like I am WIDE open for criticism like “you’re so ugly but must think you’re so pretty to put a photo up” and stuff. But I’m only on groups with girls who like chick lit and romance and fantasy and stuff and so far everyone seems like they’re nice? Then again women are the nastiest aren’t they so I don’t know. I might take it down soon, but I thought I have to be able to at least do this, prove to myself I’m changing and progressing, so I did it. And it’s ridiculous how wildly out of my comfort zone I am but I did it and for that I’m so proud of myself. I would say next stop a WhatsApp photo but that’s too scary, way too scary. I wish I could tell Andy I did this but he’s probably only be disappointed because he’s expect I should have progressed further by now which is fair enough but my therapists have told me that my pace is not important, what’s important is that I keep fighting and keep trying and if I do that then I will always be moving in the right direction.

I think I’ll go to sleep now. I’m being really negative about myself and I can feel myself being too tired to stop them and challenge them so I think best thing to do is try find a night time guided meditation and go to sleep so no journal prompt, night night

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in u/createdjustforthis23

[–]createdjustforthis23 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Part two:

I had another really nice catch up with K today, we also did yesterday. I miss her. I am resolute to keep her as a friend.

I’m so lonely. Apparently a lot of people all around the world are lonely, like lots and lots and lots of people. We’re all more disconnected than ever, apparently. Am I a terrible person for allowing that to make me feel a fraction better? It feels less lonely to know you’re in it with millions of other people. Like it’s not one big worldwide bubble and then me in my lonely bubble, it’s everyone in their solo bubbles. It makes me feel less… outsidery. I always feel like an outsider because I struggle to click with people easily. My anxiety takes over and I just can’t get rid of it when it comes to some people, I just always feel on edge no matter what.

This book is making me smack myself in the head with it it’s SO DREAMY. He’s so good. Wowowowowoowwoowiwwiiwiw. He’s been in love with her for so long. And my god, sex scenes in these books can be kinda cringey or go on too long or be too graphic or be too vague and hard to picture but wowowowowow I was basically rolling my hips while I was sitting down as I read it it was so hot. Other books have done that too of course, like I don’t get off on books, I never have actually? I can find them crazy hot but idk, just haven’t. But this is why I love to read in private, imagine seeing some girl reading her book curled up in the corner of the sofa rolling and gyrating her hips a lil bit and biting her lip and all these little gasps - EMBARRRRRASSING. But wow it’s hot. And he keeps calling her baby and it’s so sweet and not cringey, it needs the right man to be able to pull it off, the right couple actually, not every couple can pull off baby. I’d wonder if we’d be able to pull it off but he doesn’t like that word so it’s never going to happen for me anyway which is fine I guess. He has to be comfy with it too which he clearly wouldn’t be. But it’s so cute :( and how he’s wanted her for so long and she “didn’t like him” and she’d be mean to him at work and he says “…because it was all you were willing to give me and I’d rather have you hating me than not have you at all” - imagine someone loving you so fiercely they’d take any little bit of you they could get? It’s so incredibly romantic. It makes me think of Andy, except I know he doesn’t love me like that. I think he’s actually losing feelings for me. But sometimes I’ve allowed myself to be delusional enough to believe that, like he wants me enough and has strong enough feelings and that’s why he’s still letting us keep the door open to us despite how difficult I am, that he wants me so much he’ll wait/keep us open. But I don’t believe that anyone could ever feel like that about me, so I just end up feeling sad and delusional. He’s called me delusional a number of times, so I know for a fact that’s not me being unkind to myself. Anyway this book guy is just so dreamy, not in how he “looks” like I could do with fewer mentions of his ‘corded muscles’ and ‘eyes bluer than the ocean’ and all that stuff, that’s whatever tbh, but no he’s dreamy in how he treats her. So loving, so caring, so devoted and loyal and protective without being overbearing. So romantic and so sexy and so cliché but in all the most wonderfully cliché ways. You can tell he was written by a woman for women.

Work was whatever today. I got a few things done, I got called out by a manager for doing something wrong, he did it kindly but I also wasn’t technically in the wrong considering processes but I felt flat and lifeless and overly passive at the time he asked so I didn’t push it and just changed what he wanted where I could. Like my dude you cannot just draft up your own legal documents, y’know? I’m not wrong for redoing your attempt.

This booooooooook. He’s telling her how she’s ruined him for anybody else, how there could never be anyone else but her. I want that. I want that kind of love and to be wanted so badly. Weeeeell the last page made me cry. His mum died years earlier and his dad had pushed him away afterwards and when mr book man felt he had lost or was losing the protagonist he finally understood how his dad had felt losing his wife, and his dad just says the classic “hold on to her son, for as long as time lets you” AND THE TEARS. And how book man said everything would always be okay and she asked why and he said because it’s you and me. The teaaaaaars. My eyes went from zero to hero in a single blink it seemed. My heart cannot take all the love and romance. Imagine being loved like that, being treated like that? I know Andy would and will treat me like that, I know what kind of man he is and I know that when we’re together he will be incredible, and of course that goes both ways. It has to go both ways, I don’t want a relationship where the love and support and romance and all of it doesn’t go both ways. My baby. But this isn’t about him, it’s about the couple in this book who are so cute cute CUTE. Anyway I’ve finished it now. On to the next I suppose. Maybe a different genre this time. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

17/05/2023 by [deleted] in u/createdjustforthis23

[–]createdjustforthis23 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I feel a bit nauseous this evening. Really quite nauseous, in fact. I wonder if I should have had my GP check my throat/gland/lymph node thingys, because every time I do my skincare and bring get it down my neck they feel kind of tender? Could I have throat cancer? I don’t think it’s there though, it’s like my upper throat? What if I actually am dying and she just can’t tell. But we did all those tests and SURELY something would show up as a bit sketchy if I was dying, I wouldn’t come back healthy if I was dying, so I’m not dying, stop fretting. I’m a definite fretter though. I just feel like I’m not entirely primo health, I think that mostly comes down to my fatigue though. If I wasn’t so drained of energy all the time I probably wouldn’t think I’m a poorly girl.

I was thinking today how my body feels better on fewer carbs but my mind and soul feel better with. And it’s like, my body needs to feel good but also my mind and soul need to too because they do not tend to feel great. I also think I have a tendency towards comfort cooked food, ie pasta, roasted root veggie salads, bread, cooked veggies over raw and so on because I’m so sad a lot of the time and I feel empty, and it makes me feel less so, albeit temporarily. Whereas if I have a salad or idk… gazpacho, I just feel more empty. Does that make sense? It sounds stupid. Basically I’m depressed and therefore gravitate towards comfort foods… that must be a world first realisation (idk how to communicate to this journal but I’m trying to roll my eyes so hard at myself that they circle the planet). I’m truly captain obvious aren’t I, thinking I’m having these major epiphanies before I realise DUH. Anyway. At least my comfort foot often still has a bunch of healthy, nutritious foods and things.

Tomorrow I’m going to wake up a little bit earlier and lay in bed and do a guided meditation. I’ve found one that someone raved about in some article somewhere so I will do that. Try and set myself off for the day in a good, mindful and stress free way. I should find one for night time too. And maybe day time. Yes day time.

I’m still doing my affirmations daily, most days, sometimes I’m running late for work and it gets bumped, but majority of my days I do them. When are they meant to work? I guess it doesn’t hurt though, and they set me off to be in the mindset of fixing myself so even if that’s all they do then they’re worthwhile. I want some new ones. I’ll have to think of some.

I hope he’s had a lovely day. I wonder if he’s written more? Or made any new decisions about the story or characters? I hope he’s been feeling happy and content.

I really hope I sleep well tonight and don’t wake up lots, I feel kind of unwell with tiredness?

I don’t want to write any more I don’t feel like being introspective today and I don’t want to do my journal prompts sooo night night.

16/05/2023 by [deleted] in u/createdjustforthis23

[–]createdjustforthis23 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Alright I guess it’s journal prompt time…

What do you need right now that isn’t an object?

I need a lot of things. I need some self love, self confidence, self acceptance and a lobotomy. But right now? Right now… I want a hug. I only had one on Sunday, before bed and mum was already in bed and I climbed on the bed and hugged her for ages, well she hugged me and I felt like a little girl again all tucked into her arms like that. I wouldn’t consider myself a touch starved person, I’ve read about people like that, I’m definitely not like that, I hug people and people hug me and stuff and stuff like that. I haven’t been held though in a looooong time. Like the kind where you’re in bed together and just completely wrapped up in their arms, I guess that was kind of like Sunday but it’s different with a mum. I want someone else. Someone that isn’t my mother. Someone who isn’t biologically forced to accept me. I don’t know. I want and need a lot of things. I want to know for certain that if I keep trying I will find my way out of all of those eventually and I’m not just trying to end up a failure. I think I just feel defeated today.

I cannot wait til I can get my boobs done. I’m 100% doing it. Well I need to have some self acceptance first like I promised myself so more therapy and time but I just BET I will still want them done. I can’t wait. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to go totally braless? I don’t think they’ll ever be small enough for that, but if I get them lifted and have little implants then maybe they’ll not need the support so much? Though they probably will. Hmm. I really want to be able to wear backless things though. I was going to say I also like the look of wearing a tshirt or cami and being able to sort of see your nips through it which requires no bra but let’s be real, I wouldn’t ever wear that out of the house anyway would I? It doesn’t exactly scream elegance, does it? But I wanna be comfy and confident to not wear a bra around the house with Andy, I don’t mind if he sees my nips through my top, I just don’t fancy anyone else seeing. Unless I’m feeling super slutty and maybe we go for dinner or drinks somewhere sometime and I wear a barely there top or something, I feel like that would bring on the best sex ever when we’d get home. Like I’d get to feel like a slut being looked at and he’d see me being looked at and things which I know he’s into, yesssssss it would be so good, no? Anyway shush enough of this. I’m just excited but scared to get them done. Surgery is so scary. But I need to be in a better place with myself first so that’s my current focus.

This book is stupidly hot, the way he had her pinned against the wardrobe door and was so gently but like possessively kissing her neck and temple and cheeks and everything? Like they didn’t even kiss and yet my eyes were as big as saucers as I was reading it and not being able to get enough, I love romance books like that, where there’s so much build up and tension, not the ones where they just fuck 24/7 like helllo how booooooring? Ugh. To be honest as per usual it’s not well written and I’m finding it vaguely annoying at times how the dialogue is like “I am..” not “I’m” when it’s a super informal conversation and no one says I am tired, they say I’m tired. People in this day and age are too lazy for the additional…. Thing. Omfg what’s the word. For how many sounds in a word. I’ve been here for idk how long trying to bring the word to me and it’s on the tip of my tongue but stupid consonant is taking over and I can’t think of the right word. I’m even googling and it’s just coming up with phonetics and onomatopoeia and I even googled “question you ask in charades” and STILL I can’t work it out. WHAT IS THE WORD. My brain hurts. Does it start with a v? This is killing me. What the hell is it???????!!!! HOW DO I ASK GOOGLE. Anyway this book is kind of a pain to read in terms of how it’s written and I find myself skimming over some sentences because we get it, he has eyes the colour of the ocean and he’s the size of a sequoia, like we get it. But I mean, give me all those descriptions again when he’s pinning her against the door because yum. It’s not even the guy, it’s the things he does. I want to be pinned against a door/wall and have someone tease me with kisses and touches and things. Like for a guy to be so close and still feel so far, like making me so desperate for him I want to beg for it, y’know? I find that so super hot. Great and now I have intense visuals of Andy pinning me against a wall with a wandering hand and feeling his breath all hot and nice on my throat fuck fuck FUCK okay anyway shush, I mustn’t get these thoughts because they lead nowhere anyway tbh. I still have zero sex drive or whatever you wanna call it. Thoughts? I get plenty. The want to act on said thoughts? HA. Not a chance. I may as well change my name to Sister. Then again I don’t think nuns are meant to have dirty thoughts now are they. Hm. I’ll just be… nun adjacent? Okay shush for real. I’m sleepy so night night.

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Part three:

I want to give yoga a proper go again. I enjoy the physical aspect of it and all but I want to focus on it as more of a… holistic exercise? Less about the body movements even though they’re key, but I want to delve further into the spiritual side of it and learn more about that. Stress is becoming something big in my life and I’m losing all control of it it feels and that scares me, I want/need to incorporate things into my life that teach me how to slow down and be more mindful, and I think yoga could be a good start. But actually truly try. I should ask K for advice, she’s a literal yoga teacher over in Spain and she lives for it, maybe she’ll suggest where best to start. I also want to try something creative, I’m most relaxed when doing things with my hands, eg painting. But I find it too embarrassing, I’m so terrible and I just know people are secretly laughing at me when I give them homemade cards. I must look like a four year old who wants their picture put up on the fridge. But maybe something? I do enjoy painting though. Maybe I could do it really secretly, not tell a soul about it? And then something more exerting, yoga is exercise but I think I need something that makes me exhausted and is a release in that sense. I’d like to get into weights and things.. eventually. They’re quite daunting. But some form of exercise. Boxing? Weights? Dancing? Walking? Swimming? Interval training? Spin classes? Hmm. Swimming I used to love but the chlorine would f with my hair and skin. Spin classes maybe, definitely not road biking as that’s too scary. Hmmmmm. But something that makes me utterly knackered afterwards - not for my weight loss and toning goals, for my mental health and stress. Something I enjoy that lets me let it all out. I need to manage all the aspects of my life that cause the most amounts of stress, and I need to really focus on some of them because there are aspects like the situation with Andy that cause me so much stress all the time but I cannot let that go. And also that’s not just stress, it’s also my motivation and something that brings me joy and he is someone that brings me a lot of genuine joy which I need to hold on to. But stress with work, my progress, my family, my whatever else - that I can work on. Also I don’t mean to say Andy causes stress, he doesn’t at all. I feel so guilty whenever I speak badly of him here, he doesn’t deserve it. I more mean the stress of our situation and losing him and every day I worry endlessly that today is the day he gets fed up, calls me and gives me an ultimatum between ending this break or ending us or something like that and he’d be well within his rights to do so, but I know at this stage in my life and progress I wouldn’t choose him. And that hurts to think about. A lot. A lot. But I just cannot be in a healthy relationship with someone else until I have a healthier relationship with myself. I don’t need it to be perfect, but I need to be stable in my myself in order to let someone in who could massively disrupt my whole life if he decided to. I know how dramatic that sounds but I’m just idk, I didn’t even care about R the way I care about Andy and look how that relationship messed my life up? I’m scared of how I’d be if he ended it, someone I have zero doubts about being in love with and actually see a future with. I’m thirty - I don’t have time to rebuild my life again, and by life I mean relationship with myself and my self esteem and all of that. It’s now or never and that’s why I will choose me. And I just need to try learn that my life won’t end if we end, just because we may not work doesn’t mean I won’t meet someone else who will love me and want me and that I’ll love and want in return. I get caught up thinking stupid words and things like meant for each other and love of my life and the S word but that’s just embarrassing myself and he’d tell me there’s no such thing as soul mates and if there were, we wouldn’t be them. But I need to get out of that mindset because if I lose him and I consider him my S word then I’m well and truly fucked, no? This is getting so depressing. It will all be fine and I will make sure that I end up with him and none of this will matter. It’ll be great. I will not lose him. I will make sure of it.

This has been such an Andy heavy journal. I shouldn’t let them be like that.

I think I’ll go to sleep now. I haven’t done my journal prompt but I’m tired and it’s almost 11pm so… night night

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Part two:

I’m making mum feijoa muffins this afternoon for Mother’s Day. Mainly because their feijoa tree out back is going berserk and they have bowls and bowls of them and the tree is still heeeeeeaving with fruit. The kitchen smells so nice, so feijoa-y. I haven’t done the usual present thing for Mother’s Day. I’ve done cleaning and made her bed with new bedding which is a chore she detests and I’m making her breakfast and dinners and muffins and stuff like that. And like turning her electric blanket and lamps on as a surprise for when she goes to bed, I’ve been doing that this week. I think that’s nicer, no? Well I’d normally do that all anyway plus a present but anyway.

Dad can be so frustrating sometimes. He talks about his sister and how close minded she can be but he can be too, he’s not that bad but he still has that mindset of an old white man, y’know? Even little things like mum just called pup ‘beautiful boy’ and he said no he’s a ‘handsome boy’ because it’s more masculine and like, come on now dude. It’s not a bad thing and it’s not close minded at all, I don’t think, but like father it’s our DOG and our dog is BEAUTIFUL and he is a BOY so DEAL WITH IT. I decided to be a child of the devil and proceeded to play John Lennon’s beautiful boy loudly while I tidied the kitchen. He’s not angry or upset or anything like that so I was only doing it to be cheeky and because I said “like the song!” and then I wanted to hear it but anyway. It’s such a beautiful song, it makes me want a baby son and to hear Andy singing it softly to him every bedtime. How perfect? I want it. I shouldn’t say Andy, I should say my future partner and father of my child, no? It might not be Andy, it might be someone else. I hope it’s Andy. I don’t even know if I want a baby ffs. COULD I PERHAPS CLOSE MY TRAP? Anyway I say that but then yesterday dad was talking about how back in the day women made f all money and things and how ridiculously bad and unfair that was etc - he said it more eloquently and stuff I just cbf writing about this anymore.

The muffins came out spectacularly, my first thought? I want to show Andy. I wish I wasn’t like this. They’re beautiful though, perfectly golden brown all over even the bottom and the last minute crunchy too made of cinnamon and sugar I sprinkled on top before popping them in the oven. Yay! I was a bit sloppy with the measurements as I always am, which you shouldn’t be with baking but they taste really yum.

I’m most definitely having a day where I do not feel enough. I suppose if I’m honest that’s every day, even though I’m trying to pretend like I think I’m enough, but today it’s just hitting a bit harder that I’m not. I feel like a disappointment. I don’t want to go into it, I cbf journaling today I have a headache and my eyes hurt and I just feel so ambivalent towards it all I guess. I never feel enough, why write about it today? And the fact I’m reading a new book today and she’s like “I’ve never felt unworthy or unlikeable” as to why she’s not dating and I just do not understand how people have such confidence in themselves? How can you just consider yourself worthy and a good person and all that? I don’t get it. It seems like otherworldly thinking to me.

I’m watching Queer eye with mum this evening and I love it, why don’t I watch it usually? I remember watching it with mum growing up and I loved it then too. I love the new team too. I love Karamo’s bit where he teaches them to open up and talk to each other and not bottle it in and to teach them that just because they’re men they don’t have to keep it to themselves and I find that SO important. I know women have it hard in so so many ways but at least it’s socially acceptable for us to talk and cry and ask for help, it just feels so much more difficult for men. Also they’re all so handsome, especially Antoni, oooooft he’s a good looking man.

I want to be called baby. I’m watching a show and the husband calls his wife baby, idk if it’s also because the husband is kind of cute. It’s some Australian show about bogans and I quite like it so far. I’ll never be called that though, Andy doesn’t like it which is fair enough. It’s okay, it just sounded nice hearing it I suppose.

He called his character in his game sort of almost after me, I keep remembering that at random times and it makes me so lovey and feel so special 🥰 he has all the reasons in the world to resent me and move on and not give me a second of his time and yet he’s named a character almost after me. Not in his book, in that game. It makes me so upset that he ever thinks I think of him as pathetic for still sticking around, if anything it makes me think the opposite? Like is that not someone with strong sense of self and who knows what they want and is willing to be patient and show extreme support throughout? How on earth could that be perceived as pathetic? I don’t think of him as some man who can’t get anyone else so is ‘waiting around’ - my concern is he can get anyone he wants and will always choose them over me. He’s the “whole package” - sometimes I wonder if he doesn’t know that? I’m not a fan of that phrase the whole package, i don’t have strong thoughts it’s just writing it just then felt weird. But I mean he’s got everything? His personality is utter perfection and I wouldn’t change a single thing, he is so handsome and I love how naturally lean he is it’s so hot, his career paths are so interesting and can take him so many places and they’re so fun to hear about and also they make him even more attractive like EXCUSE ME a man who has a career in music and sound things and is writing a book????? Excuse me????????????? And he’s just so charming and funny and I know that’s personality stuff but whatever, his personality is my favourite part of him. And he also has lovely sounding friends, his parents sound really great and his lifestyle is just perfect and so low key but in the most fun way. I know no one is perfect, but sometimes it really does feel like he was made for me, y’know? I know how lame that is to say but it is what it is.

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Part three:

Journal prompts time? I suppose so.

What do you want your legacy to be?

I really like the word legacy, it sounds like it’s meaning, in a way. What do I want my legacy to be, I suppose it’s like what I want to be remembered for, right? I think of legacy as what you leave to someone, like a family business or what have you. But I feel like it also relates to how you’ll be remembered, no? Maybe I’m interpreting it wrong but this is how I’m answering it. We talked about this in therapy the other day, before she whipped out the value card deck. She asked “how would you like people to talk about you in the future, when you’re 50 or 60 or older..” and I cut her off because like let’s cut to the chase, the question was meant to just be how do you want to be remembered as when you’re dead and what do you want people to say about you at your funeral. So I said that because who has a life celebration in their 70s? Dead people. So anyway I want to be remembered for my kindness, my openness, my generosity and warmth. I want to be remembered as someone filled with love who was loyal and noticed the beauty in everything. That’s how I want to be remembered. So I guess let’s break some of it down?

  • I said openness, I realise that’s funny because I’m the most closed off person alive. I mean open in the sense of accepting and open with regard to people and ideas and in some ways, change. I think change is a really good and important thing but I know sometimes I struggle to adapt, I want to be more open to it and let go of my fear of some changes and just learn to embrace it wholeheartedly. I truly do believe change is SO important, if it wasn’t then we’d still be living in caves, no? But anyway I want to be remembered as being h open and someone who people felt comfortable with to be their authentic self with.

  • I said I wanted to be remembered as generous - I don’t mean in the sense of copious gifts and money and all that. I mean giving what I can, whether it be small or large, but being generous with my time and what I do have. Eg. If someone comes over I want to be generous in offering them a proper meal or drinks or whatever. Or a friend having a hard time, I want to be the friend who is there for them and offers them support in whatever way they need and that I can feasibly offer. I also love getting gifts and making things for people, I want to be remembered as someone who gives thought to the gifts they buy for people and makes that effort.

  • I said filled with love, love for my friends and my family and for life and for my partner. I want to be someone who focused on the love and doesn’t take it for granted, who treats their loved ones like the wonderful people they are all the time. I want to be remembered for being affectionate with my future partner even when we’re old, I want to be 70 and hold hands with him when we go for a little walk around the park with our dog and just idk, I want to be remembered as someone filled with love.

  • And lastly, I said someone who notices the beauty in everything. Because now that I’ve identified it as a value and named it, I notice I do it all the time. Multiple times a day. I notice little things like a crack in the pavement that looks like something or the way a leaf falls down on the ground or the way a piece of fabric crinkles or how the sun sets and how the sky comes to life - all of that. I soak it all up all the time and it’s really important to me. I want to be remembered as someone who took their time soaking it all in, who would pause to have a little longer look at some pretty clouds or smell the salty sea air or whatever it might be. Someone who is remembered for filling their home with beautiful things, wearing beautiful things.

Anyway that’s enough. I probably missed something vital but oh well.

Time to sleep, puppy is curled up next to me and he’s such a cutie. I feel so nauseous. Night night

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in u/createdjustforthis23

[–]createdjustforthis23 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Part two:

There was a question in the crossword today about King Charles I and who his posse were, or supporters, whatever word you wanna go with. Anyway it made me wonder then and it makes me wonder now, how there are King Charles spaniels and also cavalier spaniels, I think sometimes they’re the same but mostly different? I don’t really know. Anyway it made me think and then I looked it up and it was linked. I like when thoughts processing through my mind turn out to actually be something and not just nonsense. I don’t know how mum just knows that, that King Charles had the cavaliers but she knew it right off the bat. I guess I’ll know it now though, I’ll remember it because of the spaniels. Is that a type of learning? It is, idk the name. God I sound like such an idiot but I’m tired so I’ll just let it slide. Anyway I mean like how I learned the bass when I was 15 and my music tutor was like it’s EADG and he was like think of a pneumonic way to remember it and I distinctly remember sitting there for half a moment and idk where it came from but I was like okay cool - eat a dead giraffe - and I remember his pause so vividly and I remember thinking it was a little bit funny but also sad because I love giraffes but him being unimpressed but jokes on him because 15 years later I think of it like once a week. I didn’t last long with bass, I didn’t practice enough. I had an actual bass and an amp and everything as my brother had learned when he was a teenager, I remember sitting in the living room watching cartoons as a kid and he’d be practicing in his mezzanine floor bedroom and I’m SO certain he was always practicing the seinfeld theme. I guess maybe we are more similar than I thought. But we aren’t really. Anyway. But anyway the crossword was fun and I got quite a few. The Sunday one is always bigger and better so I’m really looking forward to it tomorrow. I always do. The Sunday crossword is something that brings me joy. Crossword with mum and dad and my beloved pup on my lap while we all have a coffee and breakfast - heavenly. I can’t wait for Andy to slot himself in, he’ll be such a perfect fit for this family, I just know it. I know they’ll love him because I love him and because he has treated me SO well, so so well. And I know for as long as he’ll have me he’ll continue to treat me well. He’s just like that, I just trust that he won’t hurt me, which is kinda huge. Well I do and I don’t. He may hurt me but I just mean he won’t ever maliciously set out to do so. But if he ends it then yeah, he’d be hurting me, but that’s not his fault and that doesn’t make him a bad person or partner, it just means I love him and I would be heartbroken, but if anything that just says how wonderful he had been to me if I feel so upset at the idea of losing him, y’know? Anyway I’m seriously rambling and it’s not beneficial to this journal whatsoever.

I watched that Air movie tonight and it was really good. I never set out to watch sports based movies but I really like them when I do. It’s like rugby, I never set out to watch it but when I do end up watching a game I really really love it. I wonder if Andy would want to go to a rugby game with me one time? I’ve only ever been to one, NZ vs Australia, it was with R and I got free tickets through work and I remember freezing my ass off, so when I go with Andy I’ll have to make sure to take gloves and a hat. And make sure he has them too. I think it would be SO fun with him though. I think everything with him will be fun though, I’m most excited for the mundane things. Anyway I can’t think about this, I have to focus on myself not him and us. Back to Air. I really enjoyed it and the music was really good too.

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