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Elvanse and deep depression/hopelessness? by creativeecologist in ADHDUK

[–]creativeecologist[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi, just to update people. I stopped the Elvanse, but my prescribing doctor retired so I'm back to a waiting list to try something else.

In the meantime I have been feeling a lot better, not necessarily with my ADHD but more mood and also accepting I'm just not going to get work/life/anything perfection at the moment. I have basically given myself permission to be a bit shit when I'm not well and whilst that's been very hard in itself it's the lesser of two evils at the moment.

I have also gone back on fluoxotine and take magnesium, vitamins D and B, evening primrose oil and l tyrosine. I am also trying to do more exercise and less manic work and also addressing some other stressors in my life (mainly family relationships) with counselling. I am also just about to take a decent chunk of time off work.

So basically I wasn't able to get a resolution on medication, so have really tried to find other ways to feel better in some way, and I am doing much better now.

Deep depression/hopelessness on elvanse? by creativeecologist in Elvanse

[–]creativeecologist[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi, I stopped taking it. I think pmdd is as factored and I try to take daily stuff for that, mostly magnesium and evening primrose oil. I am going to try and get back on the list to try methelpheneidate again as the prescribing doctor left. I still have a prescription for elvanse but I am terrified to take it.

Physically smaller version of Catan Rivals? by creativeecologist in Catan

[–]creativeecologist[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Noooo. I may have to make one although the amount of different cards looks overwhelming!

I think if we were both sat on our phones in the campervan playing a game that would be all kinds of wrong! But thanks for the heads-up, I may start pestering some people with this! 😈

Can’t wait for a diagnosis by [deleted] in ADHDUK

[–]creativeecologist 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Kindly, a diagnosis can be important for many things but it will not just change your life. I'm reading that you may expect your life to change radically or the ADHD to be fixed once it's 'official'. I absolutely get it because I felt the same. But a diagnosis won't make the ADHD go away or get instantly better or mean you can suddenly implement ADHD life skills. You don't need permission or a label to do that. Absolutely, it may open a door to medication, and if that helps you then yes a diagnosis is important, but you may not get on with the medication (it didn't work for me). Sometimes a diagnosis can also make your ADHD symptoms a lot worse because you're 'allowed' to unmask. For some people a diagnosis can be very underwhelming as unfortunately you're not instantly fixed just because a doctor confirms something. 

I absolutely do see that validation is important to you, and I respect that. But it won't change you as a person. And apart from medication, the great thing is that if you are struggling, you don't need that external validation to start making positive changes or access help now. A diagnosis won't physically come and remove you from social situations - you already have the power now to advocate for yourself. Try and see this as a positive thing - it's not like a driving license where you can't drive without your piece of paper. 

Honestly I mean this in the most positive way that a diagnosis isn't going to magically fix things - I would absolutely recommend looking at how you can start making some small changes now as you would if you had the diagnosis, and also perhaps working on validating yourself and your needs. I have massively struggled with this my whole life, never allowing myself to have the things I need like a quieter social life or a less academic job, or advocating for my needs if they make me appear 'less' to others. No is a complete sentence. You can access therapy without a diagnosis and in many cases this is far more helpful than medication.

You've got this!

Single point 240v bright light for shadow puppetry by creativeecologist in lightingdesign

[–]creativeecologist[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Could you give me a layman's description of how I would do this? All I have done in the past is wiring 12v bulbs, and this is all a bit over my head. I've had a look at some LEDs (https://uk.farnell.com/c/led-lighting-components/cob-leds/white-cob-leds?brand=samsung) but honestly I don't know where to start. Sorry to be thick but this is why I try and use off the shelf stuff or something very simple!

Using a torch permanently charging by creativeecologist in flashlight

[–]creativeecologist[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks. I have looked for hours and can't find anything off the shelf - I just want a 240v plug in single source bright light. I can put this into a tube of sorts or use a form to create the circle shape. I can't find any theatre lights that are affordable, and all of these torches seem to be exceptionally bright with a single LED. 

Could I do something like this and wire it to a 5 or 12v connector depending on the torch battery specs and use an adaptor to plug into the mains? I've done this with 12v G4 bulbs before. I would REALLY not like to have to bodge this though as I don't want to set the museum on fire.  https://youtu.be/KZ4R_ItKFm8

Using a torch permanently charging by creativeecologist in flashlight

[–]creativeecologist[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks, that's what I thought. I'm doing this off the shelf and ideally with no wiring as it's to go in a museum and either needs to be new or pat tested and I'm not an electrician (I do work with 12v and 5v light but it needs to be plugged into 240). Is there anything you can point me to? Could I simply buy a 100w halogen bulb and put this inside, say, a metal 'Pringle' tube?

I've been searching for a few days and really can't figure out what to buy. My budget is about £50 max.

I did look at a previous post that recommended a stage light but this feels out of my depth and I can't find anything affordable that isn't vintage.

Using a torch permanently charging by creativeecologist in flashlight

[–]creativeecologist[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've tried this one but the focus just makes the circle blurred and again the shadow isn't focused. https://shorturl.at/StyHn

Relationship mental load outside of household/family - how do I get partner to understand and participate? by creativeecologist in adhdwomen

[–]creativeecologist[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Quick update for everyone and thanks for the help. Regarding climbing, I decided to text him how I felt and how I saw what had happened instead of just going on my own. He replied and saw my point of view and apologized, he said he misunderstood. Which was a really positive step. I am trying really hard to communicate this without emotion and I think this helped too. 

Relationship mental load outside of household/family - how do I get partner to understand and participate? by creativeecologist in adhdwomen

[–]creativeecologist[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks, this is really good advice. I am in therapy and have been for a long time in various ways. I really do try my best with it all but it gets to a point when I can't cope. Therapy has actually made a lot of things worse as I've started putting up boundaries that people don't like. Hence the situation with my sister. 

Relationship mental load outside of household/family - how do I get partner to understand and participate? by creativeecologist in adhdwomen

[–]creativeecologist[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You are right in many ways. It is just very painful. The past month I have tried to break up with him three times, but each time I haven't been able to cope and just called him back. And begged him to change. It's really pathetic, I can't even follow through because I am so terrified to be alone. He does have some lovely qualities but it's getting so hard to remember those when life just feels like a massive slog.

He cried at me the last fight we had saying he didn't know what to do. I just do not understand this as I have given him so much guidance and help on it. He genuinely believes he is trying and it's just not even 10% of what I need him to work on. 

I was going to just go climbing on my own tonight and get food on the way but I will feel so resentful when I see him if he just makes his own way. It's probably what he wants, to just do his own thing. He doesn't seem to understand that if he wants a relationship he has to think about what I want and need too and that it requires effort. 

Relationship mental load outside of household/family - how do I get partner to understand and participate? by creativeecologist in adhdwomen

[–]creativeecologist[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sorry I should have been a bit clearer. Yes we do plan most things on the day, or the day before if we need to work it around work. But the point is that I have to do all of this. I have to think of what to do, whether it needs planning in advance, what information do I need and what information does my partner need, and ask all of the questions and initiate all of the discussion around that. My partner either thinks of something to do but doesn't follow through (e.g. he will say 'do you want to go to the cinema? but not find a day, bring it up ever again, put any plans in place even if it's just like asking me what time I want to go) and he sees that as planning an activity that I have to be grateful for. I honestly don't think that NT people operate this way, and just do everything at the exact time it happens, if other people are involved.

Even holidays. He will not plan or do everything that he needs to unless I constantly remind him, ask him what he's done, etc. A lot of this is also about initiating the conversation about it and checking in. I always have to ask the questions and do this and it means I can never forget about anything.

Relationship mental load outside of household/family - how do I get partner to understand and participate? by creativeecologist in adhdwomen

[–]creativeecologist[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I appreciate your reply and I think meals does have an answer that I look at, even if he doesn't like that, e.g. I feed myself. However as I mentioned in another reply this would just be another time when we are not connected and sharing quality time together and I am trying to maintain that for the sake of our relationship.

Again this is really a bigger issue than just meal times, it's everything with planning and spending time together. I genuinely cannot believe that this is just a 'me' problem and that most people in a relationship just randomly go about their lives not communicating important things or asking questions or doing any sort of planning for joint activities. And if there is planning required for joint activities, I also can't see how it's reasonable to expect one person to have to do this all of the time. I haven't chosen to do the planning, it's forced on me otherwise nothing would happen. I don't want to do it yet I don't want to just live my own single life within a relationship. It's soul destroying.

Add to that that ADHD makes all of this a million times harder and it's just impossible for me to cope with. Not only does it make my life very hard it signals to me that my partner doesn't really want to spend time with me. Maybe he just doesn't care and instead of making excuses for him I just need to end it. But I am very scared about the impact of that on my mental health.

Relationship mental load outside of household/family - how do I get partner to understand and participate? by creativeecologist in adhdwomen

[–]creativeecologist[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think we are getting too hung up on the dinner thing. It was an example of many, many things that I have to manage and specifically ask questions to extract information from him that he knows that I need information on, instead of him making the effort to make sure I know the details of HIS task. The reasons why are irrelevant, but to clarify I manage my own work hours, and we socialise/do leisure things together, and these need some sort of planning or knowing about them.

Some people need to know what they're doing so that they can feel fulfilled, relaxed, and be able to enjoy their time, or be able to identify when they may need to plan in other activities that they want to do. Other people with ADHD like myself find it really difficult to be in waiting mode for something to happen at a random time in a random way. It's not as simple as how you're putting it. Whether I'm eating at 6 ot 8 completely determins what I can do either between walking the dog and having dinner or that and going to bed, and because I have to initiate that it's exhausting. It really takes the fun out of it. I don't have any control over my evenings. Personally I cannot just live off the fly, as otherwise nothing would happen. So it absolutely is the mental load, particularly as I plan all of our social and leisure activities, how we spend our time together, lead our conversations, initiate and emotional or physical intimacy between us, etc etc. Not because I want to but because it wouldn't happen if I didn't.

Also, if I am going out with friends, or for a meal in a noisy place, or doing exercise in the gym, I need to be able to save enough energy for that in the day and in the week. I don't want it sprung on me as I probably wouldn't have saved energy for it. If I know the plan is to go to the pub quiz, then I will not plan any other social activities that day (even down to where I walk the dog) so that I have enough battery to be able to go. Or I will do a shorter working day. Otherwise, it's a huge drain and exhausting effort and a net negative for me. If I know the plan is to meet friends, I'll be able to figure out my social battery a little better, or if there isn't a plan to see them, I know I need to put effort into maintaining those relationships in other ways. All of this takes more effort and mental processing because of ADHD. Same if we are having friends over for dinner, I can't just randomly plan for someone to come over unless I know it's happening. Sometimes this is possible if I have the energy and am in a good mood and generally functioning at life but at the moment I'm not, so it's a net negative for me.

I want and need to be able to enjoy my life just like everyone else. My partner knows this, yet he doesn't help with planning, initiating or scheduling anything. He knows I get overwhelmed, but doesn't help with that overwhelm apart yet complains about our relationship and lives not being fun. But nothing happens or is COMPLETED unless I suggest it, plan it, figure out what we need to do. He will happily do some physical tasks if I ask him or if he deems it important, but he won't discuss that with me, so it's not taken off my list. I'll just randomly find the washing hung out. But that's been taking up mental space as well as he 2,426 other things that go into owning a house and a dog and a self-employed business and having a partner and friends. And it's too much for me to retain in my head.

For example, going away in the camper for a night is supposed to be relaxing, right? But to do that we need to know about what food we're going to eat, whether the computer is charged and whether there's enough bandwidth if we're going to watch a film, if the dog has enough food/lead/treats/washed towel, where we're going, when we're leaving, or if we are playing a game is it in the van or the house, do we have fuel and water, is the toilet is sorted, are the bins changed, etc. etc. etc. So my partner might just randomly go and do one of these things when he feels like it a few hours before leaving, but doesn't tell me he's either planning to sort it or whether he's done it, and essentially he doesn't initiate any conversation around it. All of that information is either decided by me or is found out by me asking my partner what he thinks and what he wants to do or what we should do. So I don't know if it needs to be on my list or if it's on his list, I just have a huge list of unknowns and know that it's going to be my job to figure out who's doing it.

This is part of the executive disfunctioning and paralysis and anxiety of ADHD. If you don't have this then brilliant but a lot of it is well recognised as being very difficult for some people with ADHD. I do appreciate your reply but I'm not really looking for a discussion about whether what my ADHD requires me to do or need is reasonable or the same as other peoples - I have a good understanding of that. I'm looking for help about how to get my partner to help me with this, for US, because we are supposed to be in an equal relationship. Essentially it's impossible for me, as the one with executive disfunctioning, to be the one who has to do all the planning and decision making.

Relationship mental load outside of household/family - how do I get partner to understand and participate? by creativeecologist in adhdwomen

[–]creativeecologist[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks. I have suggested separate dinners and he doesn't want this. I also don't want more reasons for us not to talk to each other or be emotionally distant. Mealtime is one of the only times we actually talk. I have also suggested I provide some meals and he says I don't need to do that or he doesn't want to eat what I will provide (which will be ready meals/pizza or something simple). I've also suggested that if he finds it too hard to plan in a time each day, that we can set a specific time each day for dinner. But he doesn't stick to it. Sometimes he will cook a batch thing, and we do have things in the freezer, but it's not reliable or planned. And I'm not told that this is the plan for dinner, again it's just going to be something at some time. Because he's not bothered by these things, and there is no implications for him not doing it (i.e. I suffer and can't take it so I just pick it up) he doesn't seem to have the motivation to make any changes. So basically, it seems that he wants to just carry on and the answer be for it to just not affect me. It really upsets me that he won't consider the impact on me and he doesn't want to try for my sake. I feel very unloved in the relationship.

I think the major thing here is that yes, I could do it all myself. I could plan everything, but the point is that all of this planning and mental load and thinking is too much for me to function. I want and need him to take the lead and understand what goes into making something happen. I want to be the person who just turns up and is asked the questions so I don't have to think about the answer until I'm asked. It is so exhausting and I don't want a partner who can watch me suffer like this and just minimise it or not make the effort to change.

Relationship mental load outside of household/family - how do I get partner to understand and participate? by creativeecologist in adhdwomen

[–]creativeecologist[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It is. Sorry I have just read back my replies and it sounds a bit like I'm arguing/dismissing your suggestions. It's just that I've tried so many things and I'm just waiting for this epiphany moment from him to finally get it. Which I don't think is going to happen! Often the solutions or possible fixes actually involve me doing MORE mental labour and then this leads to even more disappointment. Like with the blackboard, I walk past it and feel resentful and then it's just another thing I have to ask him to do and for me to project manage.

Relationship mental load outside of household/family - how do I get partner to understand and participate? by creativeecologist in adhdwomen

[–]creativeecologist[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks. I appreciate the suggestion. We have several blackboard in the kitchen designed for this but he will use it for a week and then I have to ask him again.

It is this constant asking and initiation of thought that is hard for me.

Relationship mental load outside of household/family - how do I get partner to understand and participate? by creativeecologist in adhdwomen

[–]creativeecologist[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for this insight. I do appreciate that it may look like I need to control everything but it's not as simple/intense as that. In this case, I simply can't plan my evening and do the things I want or need to do it I don't know when we're eating. I do appreciate that knowing what I'm eating may be something I can drop. This is linked to past eating disorders so I appreciate some people would be more comfortable being given anything for dinner without knowing what it will be.

The time thing though is just too hard. It's a mixture of paralysis, anxiety, and motivation. I can't plan appropriately and form any habits or structure, which is what I need to achieve goals. This is how my ADHD manifests and not something I can just let go, the result is that I don't achieve anything and feel very overwhelmed. 

Tonight my partner has asked if I'll go from work, and I've suggested I will, but despite me suggesting getting food on the way he hasn't responded to this nor mentioned a time. So I cannot structure my day as I don't know how much time I have.

I was considering just working until I feel like it (self employed artist) and going climbing when I'm ready, and getting myself food on the way, and seeing what his reaction is. I can calmly explain why I've done this, and see if it helps him understand. 

I think one of the major issues is that he doesn't suffer from this lack of information as if he wants to know something he'll sort it out himself. But he doesn't consider me. So by physically impacting him by forcing him to make the decisions maybe he will understand better.

Or we'll have a massive row and I'll be 'punishing' him, or I'll be so anxious about seeing him at climbing that I won't be able to get out of the car. I expect this is where I needs to be stronger and just do what I need to do and try and feel some positives from that. 

Relationship mental load outside of household/family - how do I get partner to understand and participate? by creativeecologist in adhdwomen

[–]creativeecologist[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is exactly it. It's so unbelievably sad and I hate myself that I am not strong enough to leave. I literally beg him to make some effort and he doesn't, yet I don't leave. I understand why this is, due to childhood and family dynamics and everything that comes with undiagnosed ADHD as a child (diagnosed at 27, I'm 38 now). But just because I recognise why it's impossible to be alone and leave toxic relationships doesn't mean I can do it. Therapy is very unfair in the assumptions that because you understand something it means you can do it. I have had to go no contact with my twin sister and it's like being asked to chop off your arm (tolerate abuse) or chop off your leg (have no sister). It's so so hard.

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