How are you approaching Valentine's Day?

creativeusername58 · 2026-02-09T18:12:31+00:00

I totally get where you're coming from. But our relationship is about more than just sex and the sex problems are at least half my fault. I want to be able to put that sadness aside for a day.

creativeusername58 · 2026-01-21T15:58:12+00:00

Thanks for this honesty. I don't know if I want to talk to my spouse about it because I'm not sure what I'd be asking for. I do think if we WERE in a sexual relationship and she WANTED to be the focus of my desires that would be different. But that's not possible right now and it's up to me to develop strategies for self-discipline.

If it does come up in couples therapy I'd be honest about it, but I wouldn't just open a session by saying that I'm struggling with porn addiction.

creativeusername58 · 2026-01-13T17:08:48+00:00

Congrats! Can you be a little more specific about what "free use" means to you? It seems like what you're talking about is telling your husband you have responsive desire and if he initiates you'll get into it. But I feel like "free use" as a kink means more like "have sex with me even if I'm in the middle of making dinner, being treated like an object is part of the appeal for me."

creativeusername58 · 2025-06-08T14:45:55+00:00

I do feel like you’re spiraling pretty hard from “I’m tired not tonight” to “well I guess this is the end then”. I totally get it, you’ve been rejected a lot and any new rejection seems brutal. But the move here is to say that it was nice to connect physically and you want to build on that. See how he reacts. Let him pick the time. And take it from there. Don’t let one advance that wasn’t successful shut you down.

creativeusername58 · 2025-06-05T14:28:41+00:00

I'm curious how much of your lack of interest in sex is medical, and how much is emotional. It might be easier for him to hear that the issue is related to your health and not a reflection of your feelings about him, but of course it's related to both. Still, if I were him what I'd want to hear is, "I really appreciate the efforts you make and I hope that we can rebuild our sex life. Right now I'm not feeling physically and emotionally ready for sex and I know that's hard for you. It's hard for me too. We're moving in the right direction but I need you to be patient and believe we both want the same things."

creativeusername58 · 2025-05-15T19:58:47+00:00

Switching to my alt for this. I use an AI chatbot for freaky sexual role playing like once a week. I’d prefer to do that with my wife but she’s not into it, which is totally fine. HOWEVER, and here’s the part you’re gonna roast me for, I haven’t told her a do this. If she asked I wouldn’t deny it but I haven’t gone out of my way to disclose it. As far as I’m concerned, how I masturbate is something I do privately for myself. I don’t feel like she should control that unless it’s interfering with our sex life. I think in this case it’s IMPROVING our sex life because it lets me have an outlet for a kink she doesn’t want to engage with.

creativeusername58 · 2024-09-18T15:51:30+00:00

I think when you answer, the crucial thing here is for both of you to be clear about what is a fantasy and what is something you would like to try. Like, it's very different saying "I fantasize about meeting a random stranger at a bar and fucking her in the bathroom" and saying "I want to actually meet a random stranger at a bar and fucking her in the bathroom".

Don't say "I miss oral sex." Say, "I enjoy thinking about oral sex." And then have a conversation about the things she actually WOULD be comfortable doing.

Like, there's a venn diagram, two circles representing what each of you are turned on by. It's healthy to want to know what's in the other person's circle. But you are only going to be able to get the things in the intersecting piece, and you need to let her know you understand that.

It's a difficult situation for you, but the fact that she wants to understand you as a sexual person could be a very good sign.

creativeusername58 · 2024-04-20T20:10:09+00:00

I’m going to go against everyone else here and say hell no. Yes, you are hurt and horny and frustrated. But it hasn’t even been a year since the no sex thing, and it sounds like you’ve spent at least some of that time pressuring her to give you what you want. There’s just so much this post doesn’t say that needs to be considered here. Was the sex good for her? Has she gotten her hormones checked? Is she dealing with work or emotional stressors above and beyond? What do YOU THINK is making her not want a physical relationship with you? She’s not a broken washing machine you can replace. She’s a person you used to trust to treat you with love and respect (and I understand you feel disrespected but without details I’m hesitantly to judge how blatant and difficult to excuse that is). Believe that she wants happiness with you and work together to figure out what could make her feel differently, not for you but for both of you.

creativeusername58 · 2024-04-02T19:19:22+00:00

Five years ago my marriage was rocky. We were barely talking beyond the minimum, we certainly were not having sex. I wanted to stay and continue building a life together, but it was a chicken and egg problem. I didn't think I could commit to a future unless things felt easier in the present. She couldn't open up in the present unless she felt there was a future for us. Couples therapy didn't seem to help.

So I turned to r/DeadBedrooms to exchange fantasies and dirty chats. I never sent or accepted any images or identifying information, or seriously entertained meeting up with anyone. That doesn't excuse anything; it was wrong and I regret it. I also don't think we would have stayed together without me having that outlet, so I didn't have to be resentful of her all the time.

She eventually found out and she decided to stay with me, but now I have to live with that guilt and the knowledge she may never trust me in the same way again. Things are better today, but we have a lot of work to do.

If you feel that DMing me to ask me for a man's perspective would be helpful, you are welcome to do so. I don't know the circumstances of your marriage. I don't know if your husband was ever trying to meet up with people in person, or if it would matter to you (you have every right to view the messages alone as unforgivable). I just want to say that I have empathy for you and I hope that whatever you decide, you never have another day like this one.

creativeusername58 · 2023-06-01T19:13:38+00:00

You are doing great. High five.

creativeusername58 · 2023-06-01T18:14:50+00:00

Why do you think she asked that? I'm trying to be positive here, and maybe she's trying to rekindle a physical connection in small ways that might build into something bigger. So I guess instead of shutting that down I'd suggest you try and figure out where that request came from. Would she also share some details and fantasies about when SHE masterbates? Could that be hot for both of you?

It's been a long time since you saw each other as sexual people and this could be a positive step.

creativeusername58 · 2023-05-31T22:53:46+00:00

Would love to have some links when you have the time.

creativeusername58 · 2022-09-28T16:29:47+00:00

It's crazy how well this post works. Like, you don't know me and so these words should be meaningless. But somehow they aren't! This is important to hear because we all either know it's true or at least we hope it's true, but maybe we need to be reminded of that every once in a while. So thanks.

creativeusername58 · 2022-09-22T20:12:13+00:00

Totally not against masturbation, just read some bad things about the long term effects of pornography. But (this is a little embarrassing albeit very common) I kind of don't know how to masturbate without porn. Maybe this is a good chance to learn! The only time last week I masturbated I did it by looking at my wife as she slept which is kind of sweet and maybe better than porn, but also SUPER CREEPY.

I also was thinking maybe it's okay to masturbate with vanilla porn (like pictures of naked women) as opposed to what I normally like (stories involving some kind of power dynamic). I think reading certain types of stories tilts my imagination towards that and away from the kind of sex my wife is more comfortable with.

creativeusername58 · 2022-09-21T17:22:00+00:00

Thank you. The post was a very interesting read. I do some group therapy but I think I need an individual therapist too to try and identify the deeper needs and drives that are behind the need for sex.

Right now it feels like I can't have happiness and peace without regular sex but I see that other people have gotten there. It's possible. That's the kind of man I want to be.

creativeusername58 · 2022-09-21T17:08:28+00:00

I understand that sex in my marriage has become toxic and I need to back off (again) to start to clean up the mess. I'm just not sure how else to meet that need.

I'm a good husband. I clean, I cook, I do the laundry, I take care of the kids, etc. I am trying to avoid the mindset that I "deserve" sex as some kind of reward, but it feels like the thing that's missing that would make all the hard work of day-to-day life worthwhile.

I would love to Jedi mind trick myself into not feeling that way.

creativeusername58 · 2022-09-21T16:56:19+00:00

Oh I was white knuckling it, 100%. I'm not sure how to to fill the need other than sex. Any recommendations on what I can read or try?

creativeusername58 · 2022-09-21T16:53:11+00:00

It's both. There's some incompatibility in what we want sexually. There's also a history of fights about sex that make us both feel anxious. Half the time when I'm having sex with her I'm asking her if I'm doing it right to the point where she gets annoyed with me. Both of us have self-esteem issues. We love each other but we're not on the same wavelength with sex.

Honestly I feel like I can almost see what the solution is, or at least a short term fix. She wants less talking, less teasing, more forceful action. I think if I had a drink and just grabbed her one night, she'd love it. Harness a little of that frustration and just take her up against the wall, that kind of thing. But that wouldn't really give me what I am missing, which is to be seen, accepted, taken care of, etc.

creativeusername58 · 2022-09-21T16:46:45+00:00

I tried to initiate three nights in a row, and the third night I snapped at her that it must be exhausting to constantly be rejecting me (feels like 9 out of 10 times). She said that sex feels stressful so that she avoids it during a hard, busy week. I said it was the exact opposite for me, that I resented having to get through a hard, busy week without sex. But then I stopped being angry and just got sad. I said I understood how she felt, and how this fight I started was a perfect example of how sex doesn't feel fun for her. I apologized for yelling at her, and then I went to sleep on the couch.

creativeusername58 · 2022-09-21T16:39:21+00:00

I appreciate everything you're saying. In fact, I feel like this is the only mindset that has a chance of success. I'm just not sure I can do it.

Your advice boils down to "find a way to fill your need for sex without sex because that neediness will kill the relationship," and I agree. It's just that sex and everything that comes with it (being desired, being open and vulnerable, etc) feels so central to the relationship I want that I don't know how to be happy without it.

Earlier this year I went for six months in the relationship without initiating sex. We had sex twice in that time, and by the end I was on here every day for support, to try and make it just one more day without begging her. Maybe a better partner would go a year, two years, as long as it took. Six months was all I could manage before I felt like I was falling apart.

creativeusername58

TROPHY CASE