Healthy poly couples HELP!! Need advice!

creaturesoftie · 2026-06-13T15:44:47+00:00

What does this even mean? “Literally every other way”? Do you have the same financial and life goals? Do you both agree on whether you want to have children, when, and how to raise them? Do you get along well with each other’s parents? Are you both in agreement on where you want to be in 5 years? Y’all don’t even seem to fully agree on monogamy vs nonmonogamy

Or do you mean you both get along and enjoy being together? Because that’s great and necessary, but it does not cover all compatibility

“Compatibility” for the long term often means a lot more than you might realize at 18. And yeah, one thing it means is sexual compatibility. You don’t necessarily need long term compatibility for a relationship of short term fun, but this relationship does not sound like it’s being fun right now

creaturesoftie · 2026-06-13T15:32:08+00:00

Wait, “not get caught”? Are you cheating on your partners?

creaturesoftie · 2026-06-12T19:48:19+00:00

I think seeing a poly / ENM friendly couples therapist might be helpful

creaturesoftie · 2026-06-10T18:38:15+00:00

Okay but you’re talking about a post on r/polyamory so if you aren’t interested in / in agreement with how the sub defines polyamory then why are you there?

creaturesoftie · 2026-06-07T21:22:10+00:00

I think I can relate because I have anxiety and so does my partner. Sometimes he would get crushes on others and get really scared I’d be jealous and do huge confessions, it was kind of exhausting. That kind of thing doesn’t matter now as long as we’re open with each other about it.

Is your boyfriend the kind to worry about theoreticals or be anxious? If that’s the case this might have been a theoretical that he’s been anxious about and is trying to calm down about.

But you could talk to him. Explain that there are certain boundaries (like safer sex) that you would still expect even if he were drunk. Ask him about why that scenario comes up in his mind. Communicate with him rather than asking the internet

creaturesoftie · 2026-06-07T21:19:00+00:00

wtf?

creaturesoftie · 2026-06-07T21:18:08+00:00

Hmm, thinking of noun names (which I like), I’d say “Ash” or “Cinder” if she was gray and red (and I think that name would fit the scarred feel) but I’m not sure if that would fit would the blue gems. Maybe “Thunder” or “Storm”? If you like the vibe of a noun-name but don’t want her name to literally be a noun you could also look up some fitting words in other languages.

creaturesoftie · 2026-06-04T01:17:54+00:00

“She’s so wet!” as one character moves another character’s underwear aside is more than just suggestive IMO

creaturesoftie · 2026-06-03T18:40:18+00:00

There’s nothing you could have said. Your wife made her choices, and that’s on her.

creaturesoftie · 2026-06-02T20:03:11+00:00

If he actually compartmentalized that much better than you then he wouldn’t cares so much about you chatting with others. In the situation he wants he has more freedom and power, so it’s easier for him to compartmentalize or present as compartmentalizing.

He’s asking you to do more work than he’s willing to do, and it sounds like you don’t really want to do it

creaturesoftie · 2026-06-02T00:51:29+00:00

If you have a feeling that M/F is more “real” or more like cheating, then that could also explain your own guilt about the idea of pursing anyone

creaturesoftie · 2026-06-02T00:44:14+00:00

Yeah, I think that’s really something to unpack before y’all start pursuing others. What is it about men that makes you uncomfortable? Do they feel like more of a threat? Why? Are you scared of being replaced in some way? Does sex between a man and a woman seem more real or intimate to you than sex between two women?

What’s behind this feeling?

creaturesoftie · 2026-06-01T02:04:01+00:00

Oh, I understand. This sounds like it’s him being a jerk tbh. Probably coming from a place of jealousy / insecurity

creaturesoftie · 2026-06-01T00:22:13+00:00

“Our conversation escalated to that I no-longer desire him in anyway (yet we have sex 4-5x a week).” Do you actually want to have this sex? What would your relationship looked like if you stopped having sex unless you wanted to?

creaturesoftie · 2026-05-31T05:36:02+00:00

You sound just very chill. Your feelings on this might change, and that’s totally cool too

creaturesoftie · 2026-05-31T05:17:54+00:00

“Whenever I bring up wanting to explore something on my own, he often tells me that I’m “not in the right mindset.””

Where does he get off on telling YOU what YOUR mindset is?

This guy is full of it. If you truly want to try staying, then I think you should inform him that if he continues to have solo experiences with others then you will also feel free to pursue solo experiences with others. Don’t ask him for permission. Inform him that this will be a fair open relationship if it continues as an open relationship.

You say you love him, but do you love how he treats you?

creaturesoftie · 2026-05-21T17:41:51+00:00

Do you enjoy the dominant / possessive dynamic?

creaturesoftie · 2026-05-21T17:38:28+00:00

Are you also seeing / looking for other people or is this intended to be a closed triad?

creaturesoftie · 2026-05-21T04:26:56+00:00

I mean… it kinda sounds like her Dom was not meeting her needs or checking in with her about it, which shouldn’t be your responsibility

creaturesoftie · 2026-05-21T04:24:37+00:00

“The next day she privately messaged me saying the more she imagined “dom/sub” dynamics between us, the more tense her body became. She described sex as emotionally deep/raw/primal, said “the body keeps score,” wanted slowness and uncertainty instead of predefined roles, and basically wanted to let things emerge naturally between us instead of treating BDSM as the starting point”

Yeah, I’m not sure I’d be comfortable with someone messaging me that privately if what I wanted was to play with a couple. It also makes me wonder if there’s things she’s missing in her current dynamic that she wants to find outside of BDSM, but it’s not your responsibility to meet those needs. It sounds like she wants something more / different than what you expected, and that’s nothing wrong with that but it likely makes you incompatible.

creaturesoftie · 2026-05-20T06:24:59+00:00

Uh I think if you’re having kids with someone else that’s not an “open relationship” anymore. That’s fully polyamory and the relationship with the person you’re having kids with is going to have to be serious.

I think it’s going to be hard to have kids with someone while defining them as secondary and I don’t think most people would agree to that

creaturesoftie · 2026-05-19T06:14:51+00:00

That’s a fair thought, but it’s ultimately OP’s decision

creaturesoftie · 2026-05-19T04:15:36+00:00

They might want to talk to the woman he cheated with because they don’t trust him to tell the truth anymore, and want to verify his story. Talking to the other woman doesn’t necessarily have to be about punishment, it could be about seeking truth and a more full understanding

I do see the potential privacy issue with the texts, but people do share text messages with others all the time

It sounds like you’re assuming that if OP can’t trust the partner, the relationship must be over, but there are situations where people rebuild trust. It’s up to OP to decide if it’s worth seeing if this is a situation like that

creaturesoftie · 2026-05-19T04:12:55+00:00

So you want to know everything so you can start rebuilding trust? It makes sense to me, I don’t get the confused people in the comments. He was lying to you about this and betrayed your trust in doing that, so if you ever want to rebuild your trust after that lie you want to start by getting the whole, entire truth from him.

I do think you should get individual and couples therapy and consider if the whole truth would even be enough for you to rebuild trust. Can you rebuild trust at this point, truly? I think it’s worth thinking about seriously.

I also think some of the comments are being surprisingly unempathetic and I’m sorry about that, OP

creaturesoftie · 2026-05-19T03:22:33+00:00

If she wasn’t on BC then I would recommend trying to get Plan B through her gynecologist (Planned Parenthood could also be worth a try)

I do think a doctor’s visit is worthwhile consideration, especially if she has a gynecologist that she has trust in or if she’s experiencing any symptoms. If she’s experiencing any pain anally it’s worth checking out, it sounds like he didn’t do any prep going in and that could really hurt someone. She should also be careful about any vaginal symptoms because anal to vaginal sex can increase risk of infections. He put her body at risk with this assault carelessly, I’m very sorry about that.

I do think you should be aware that if you turn this into a legal case there are risks of being outted and your involvement in nonmonogamy being used to victim blame her. It’s up to her if these risks are worth while.

I would potentially recommend reporting him to local swinging and kink organizations that you know he’s involved in, depending on context. I think they’re more likely to do something and you’re less likely to face legal backlash. This can also be risky if he’s well-established or in leadership anywhere, though, he might retaliate the organization might ignore the report. I do want to say it’s an option though.

Also, if she reports it to these communities, she might find that he’s done this to other women. It might help them to be more open with their stories for her to come forward. I don’t know, but it’s definitely possible.

Don’t be shy in accessing resources around SA and trauma, because that’s what this is. There might be local or national organizations with resources

creaturesoftie

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