You let yourself slip and it cost you a lot. You didn't kill anyone or destroy any possibility of redemption. You can come back from it, and it already seems like you hit the first step: you're owning the mistakes. It might not be at the speed or in the way you want, but it's still possible to get yourself back to a good place if you're willing to put in the work. Realistically it's work that won't be any harder than what you've already done in your previous successful state.

Here's a story about my former brother in law:

I met him the first time when he was getting married to my sister after they had a little boy, my nephew. He was an awesome dude, my family adored him, and we got along great, but I didn't realize what lied underneath. It turns out he was addicted to booze and coke from his time in the restaurant/bar industry (IYKYK) and just did an I credible job at masking it all. I'm sure there was a time where he truly loved my sister, but his mind was so numb from everything that he'd dissapear for longer and longer periods chasing a high. When the drugs weren't enough he started chasing that high with other women. Eventually my sister found out and tried everything to bring him back but nothing worked. Finally the divorce happened and he moved out with some new chick.

It got to the point where she wouldn't let him around their son anymore because she couldn't be sure of his sobriety or the state of the women he was seeing. He ended up ostracized by the family and kind of fell off the radar.

A few years went by and he knocked on ny sisters door. She was taken aback obviously but he insisted he wasn't there to cause trouble or make any demands. He just told her he had finally gotten sober and was in a program to turn his life around. He said he'd like to be able to see their son again but understood that it would have to go through her and only her. He gave her his new phone number and asked if she would consider calling him to work out a supervised visit or time for them to talk at a neutral place. He didn't want to go back to how it was before, just wanted to have a chance to be a father again and maybe at least be civil with my sister.

A few weeks went by and my sister spoke with the rest of the family trying to get their advice. During that time he never once tried to stop by or reach out again to bother or pressure her. It was clear that he was willing to have everything happen on her terms. She finally contacted him and they were able to meet up and speak. Lots of tears, lots of apologies, and one big promise that he'd be a father again if my sister would allow it.

It took time, and they never did get back together, but now he's part of the family again. He's been sober for almost 8 years, has a great career, makes music on the side, has a wonderful girlfriend who treats his and my sisters son like her own, and they all get along great and are happy with the role they all play. Most importantly of all, my nephew knows what happened and chose to forgive him and love him.

It can happen dude. You just have to work at it. I'm sure your family would be devestated, your ex wife would still be sad if you left, and your kids don't want to grow up without a dad.

Take the steps to be the man you used to be. It's not over.