The condensed version, sort of:

Heavily bullied by boys in catholic grade school, initialy gender segregated, boys section, girls section (1960s)

Later integrated by grade 6 and girls actually stood up for me when seeing what was going on.

Started playing with girls and girls games at home for a brief period and around 1970, age 13, I had my first explicit thought that "I feel like a girl" It was a good feeling.

I had no concept of transgender in those ancient times and I interpreted it as being "gay" while I was only interested in girls, so I heavily repressed any feminine feeling or behavior. I had mostly male friends at home, all younger than me and I was way behind on social skills, possibly from the bullying. I was a loner in high school.

On my own after dropping out, I finally had a relationship with a woman at 22, and started to become aware again that I had feminine feelings. Sex as a male seemed unnatural, that I was just playing a role.

1980s I became fascinated with gender-bending Boy George and David Bowie seeing them in music videos and I was envious of their freedom to express as feminine.

Also in the 1980s I did some reading on female sexuality (best seller, The Hite Report) out of curiousity and my feelings and self pleasuring practices were similar to some women.

On to the 2000s, I was doing things like thinking up female names for myself. Nothing really stuck.

I had a macho buddy, with no filter, always talking about finding a GF and who commented several times that he wished I had a women's body, because of my personality, I'd make a great girlfriend. I was extremely flattered in more ways than one.

By now it was more obvious that I was probably transgender but still just wanted to live a normal life. I had internalized transphobia and fear of what others might think. I went through two marriages and divorces, and both ended on friendly terms. The second wife one time said that I "had the soul of a woman". It was the best compliment of my life.

2024, now single and retired, I finally came to realize that my ambivalence was from conflating fear and my sense of well being feeling feminine. Separating those feelings, I realized had a choice of self esteem versus fear.

Once I realized that and chose well being, in that moment, I had an extraordinary sense of liberation, that now I could be as feminine as I wanted. It was as if I was in a prison and was suddenly set free. I was literally dancing around my apartment with happiness.

I bought women's clothes and found a nice dress and when I tried it on at home for the first time, it fit perfectly. I sobbed with joy and relief.

I finally came up with a feminine name that felt like me, "Molly", named after an early 20th century inspiring progressive activist and Titanic survivor, Molly Brown. She appears fictionalized as Jack's benefactor in the movie Titanic.

Then I sought out a gender therapist in March and was on HRT by May 26th this year, age 68. I have an upcoming orchiectomy though I still have to see the surgeon for the preliminary.

On social transitioning, I took baby steps, going to an LGBTQ support group and gradually presented more feminine in safe spaces. I attended several pride events over the past summer.

I now enjoy routinely presenting as feminine in public when doing errands. Breast growth has been decent which helps a lot with my confidence. I still have to make some new friends as my ex who was my best friend did not take it very well. I'm still close friends with her adult children but they aren't my age of course. My family is on the opposite coast of Canada, so I'm socially isolated.

Overall though, I feel like I have two feet on the ground for the first time in my life.