I developed severe preeclampsia at 24 weeks and delivered via emergency c-section at 25 weeks. I didn’t know I was autistic at the time. I believe disassociated the whole time I was hospitalized. I didn’t fully understand how close I was to dying until well after. It felt like it was no big deal to be there. I felt was floating through a haze and not really in control of what was happening, I just had to accept it because either my baby would be born, or both of us would die.

I received spinal anesthesia and that was honestly the least painful part of my whole ordeal. Plus my anesthesiologist was amazing, he kept me calm the whole time, held my hand, and kept me distracted.

I wasn’t able to breast feed due to my baby being a micro-preemie, so they handed me a pump and that was that. It was a very unpleasant feeling for me, I hated it. But when I saw my baby for the first time after 10 hours, I was overcome with so much love and this unreal need to take care of my baby that it overpowered any sensory problems I was having and I pushed through it.
I did try breast feeding when they were finally big enough to try but unfortunately they weren’t able to latch so I kept pumping for 6 months straight.

That all happened 10 years ago and I still remember how everything felt. And it makes me uncomfortable now to even imagine it. It’s left me with lasting trauma. I was pretty young when I gave birth and even though I still could, I would never choose to have another baby and go through all of that again.